How can I stop being sexually submissive?

Question

Okay so like many girls out there, I do get turned on from being submissive in the bedroom however, I don't want to be like this because it makes me feel weak and ashamed and I just can't remove this mindset. Is there anyway, I can "train" myself, in a sense, to not be sexually submissive?
Also, before anyone might be offended, I'm not trying to imply that being submissive in the bedroom for either men or women is a bad thing or is weak but it's just a problem for me personally. How do I change this? Any advice?

FakeName123 · Accepted Answer

Sexuality doesn't happen in a vacuum, but is an extension of your personaltiy as well as influenced by biology.

First of all lets go with the biology of things. Women are by nature meant to be receivers. Hence, even the sex-act itself is one person penetrating and the other being penetrated. This is how biology created us and nothing is wrong with it.

Secondly its personality. Depending on your type of personality certain things can enhance or decrease your desire for submissiveness. For example very shy and insecure girls tend to be submissive, because they don't have the confidence to "take what they want" or to take responsibility. They want the quality of sex to be the responsibility of the partner. Interestingly though girls who are pushing themselves to be very assertive (job-wise, feminists, whatever comes to mind) tend to be quite submissive - probably due to an act of balancing itself out.

Now to the most important part though. What is submissiveness, what is the appeal in it and how exactly does it interfere with being a confident person?

To make it short, the desire of submissiveness is less about submission or even subjugation (it can turn into that when the drive is increase due to other personality factors), but rather its the feminine desire to let go and give herself all to a loving man. There is a little, but important difference between that and submission. It's not about having to submit, but about wanting to give yourself to your man. Not because you get aroused through it (even though that happens as well), but because it turns into a bonding experience of pure trust.

And that is perfectly fine. That's the beauty of man and woman getting together. The beauty of the differences of the sexes, because when it all comes down men and women are very different and instead of trying to become the same - which would be boring - we should embrace our differences and learn from each other. That means there is nothing wrong with you also being active sexually, nothing wrong with being confident, but ultimatively it will turn into a hopefully healthy expression of your desire to give your all to your man.

On the other hand all that BDSM hype and whatnot is often quite an unhealthy way of living out said submissiveness. It's not about the beauty of nature and connecting, but plain hedonistic lust being expressed.

broadsword · Accepted Answer

Find a guy that likes to switch. Who will willingly share the things you enjoy equally. I can understand your feelings don't be to hard on yourself its natural for the woman to be slightly submissive in the bedroom as the physics of sex are the man is the giver and the woman is the receiver. Just nature expects the natural balance to be this way. We as humans and with the equality of women can now reverse this. Encourage women to explore their sexual freedom be more assertive. show what they want , need and desire.
It's wonderful to have a woman take the lead , give your body to her. Let her enjoy herself whilst giving you great pleasure.

redeyemindtricks · Accepted Answer

Please don't try to do this -- you could literally ruin yr life.
Not exaggerating.

DO NOT ASSIGN MORAL OR POLITICAL SIGNIFICANCE TO YOUR SEXUAL PREFERENCES.
Do not.
Do not do it.

In the generation of women who came of age in the '60's and '70's, there were LOTS who made the same mistake yr making right now -- the mistake of thinking that feminism, and/or being a "strong woman", is incompatible with sexual submission.

You know where that eventually leads, right?

It eventually leads to a growing, festering sense of discontent. First sexually, then with life in general.
If the woman is deep enough in denial, it can lead to this vague, undefined feeling of "I'm bored". When that feeling builds up enough, she'll start stirring up fights with her husband, or just fucking things up in some other way. Eventually it can lead her to tear her own family apart -- because she's "bored" or "unhappy". When, in reality, her thwarted sexual desires are taking over, and she's too deep in denial to recognize or acknowledge them.

In a BEST case scenario, yr personal/family life will remain intact, but you'll still be doomed to a life of tepid, unsatisfying sex. Is that what you want?

Is that worth it, all just so you can avoid "feeling weak and ashamed"?

This is bullshit, girl.

Whoever or whatever first taught you to feel this sense of misplaced shame is a fucking idiot.

Get rid of the shame.
SEX IS NOT POLITICAL.
SEX IS NOT MORAL.

Also, whatever the source of the shame is, eradicate it from yr life completely.
If it's a person, NEVER talk to him or her ever again.
If it's an ideology, religion, or other school of thought, LEAVE it, NOW, and stay away from it forever.

Don't ruin yr life, for the sake of this stupid bullshit sense of shame.

Anonymous · Accepted Answer

Hmmm, well, your preference isn't something you should be ashamed of.

If you want to be more aggressive, try positions where you're on top or try teasing him, tie him up and please him but don't let him touch you and hit him if he tried to thrust.

Also, tell you guy to lay off a little and be more tender vs dominant. That would definitely take away feelings of shame and weakness. If you aren't feeling respected, tell him so. In one of my relationships, the guy would just flip me around and go away at it, and I would feel like my brain and body were a million miles away. There was no consideration. I didn't speak up. And it caused me to resent him. Speak up, and tell him your feelings and what you want.

Anonymous · Accepted Answer

Maybe you've had sex with the wrong people and they made you feel that way. If you do it with someone that respects you and yout needs your opinion on it will change. I personally am both submissive and dominant in bed, depending on my mood and when I dominate someone I don't see them as weak and I don't want them to feel ashamed. They trust me and give me permission to pleasure their body how I chose to because they know I'll make them feel so good. So maybe it's not you but the others, think about it.

BlueCoyote · Answer

I totally agree with @intraluminal. I'm very submissive myself in the bedroom (not a macho though ;-)) and I don't think you can influence/change this trait. Of course you can act a role and pretend to be dominant but I strongly doubt that this will actually influence your true feelings. Sexual fetishes are usually something you're stuck with, almost like sexual orientation. You could pretend to be into girls and you might even have sex with a few girls but if you're straight, it won't change the fact that this just doesn't really turn you on.

AustinMan · Answer

Whoa!! Take a deep breath. Breathe. How we act sexually is completely independent of who we are in real life. I'm a courtly head usher at a big church but when the clothes come off, I'm a Dom with a love for moderate S&M. It took me years to reconcile these but I finally figured out that they aren't related aside from the fact that they're both me.

If you take this approach, can you be okay with being sexually submissive but an empowered modern woman in "real life?" I hope you can. Then go give it up to him with gusto and enjoy whatever that dominant son of a bitch does to you!!

Does that help?

accomplice · Answer

As others have said, please don't put moral judgements on your sexual desires. Also, consider that your sexual persona will continue to develop as you mature. You may "try-on" many things before you settle into what fits you best. Perhaps you might experiment switching, and being more dominant -- see how it feels for you. When you find what fits, enjoy it, don't judge it.

Visko · Answer

Focus on education. Learn/read a LOT of history, psychology, and you might gain some insight into why people end up with desires and feel the way you do. At the same time, the more you grow this way, the more confident and powerful you will come to feel.

I can't say what WILL end up happening. But avoiding sex for now and occupying your time with other activities should have a positive effect.

Tdieseler · Answer

who said its a bad thing?
you get fucked right, you won't care WHO was the sub or dom lol...
you wana become more dominant? start initiating sex, tell your partner exactly what you want done, and oh... learn to get on top..
while being submissive is not bad, being dominant once in a while is refreshing...
same way over here... being dominant all the time gets boring, its nice to be sub once in a while.

cahdee · Answer

I know two women that figured out late in life how bad of an idea this is. One in her late 30s, the other in her 50s! Don’t feel bad for that stuff. It’s okay to be how guys like, that’s why we like it, because that’s how you are. You see how it’s a cycle not a one way demand being met? Feminism has been good, but too much makes women miserable and lonely. There’s a balance. My wife is COMPLETELY submissive in bed and about 50% outside of bed. She fought it for the first 10 years and I supported her because I too thought old fashioned stuff was wrong. WE were way wrong. The last 3 years have been the best in either of our lives. She’s so much happier and a joy to be around and her being that way makes me want to serve her in every way. So I may be driving... but she is determining where we are headed. That’s kindof how to approach it imho.

angelagunning · Answer

Why fight it? I have been sexually submissive since I was 14 and did feel guilty because men were taking advantage but I just accepted that was the way I was

AceOtana1 · Answer

I've met and been intimate with both submissive and dominant.
If you want to be more dominant, you've got to pin the guy down, control him physically, sit on him. Just dive straight in and have fun.

I know a dominant woman who randomly grabbed me, pinned me to the floor then sat on my face. She was in total control over me and it was brilliant!
Apparently they feel empowered when they do that. If that's what you're after, just make sure the guy is under you. And stays there. ;)

Mesonfielde · Answer

It helps if you see abuse as abuse, and not as dominance.

GingerGuy · Answer

If it's just the way you are there may not be much you can do. But if it's making you feel bad about yourself maybe you need to see a professional and work on your self confidence and self esteem?

joeb73 · Answer

it helps to start with someone you trust. just let them know you want to try something new and go for it. be the one to kiss first and push him down on the bed instead of him doing it to you. then undress him and do what you want with him ( as long as it is in his comfort level) i bet he will love it that you are going after him in this way

AdamThomas · Answer

Probably not. If you try to stop you'll probably just crave it more. It doesn't make you weak and it shouldn't make you ashamed either, there's nothing wrong with being submissive, just enjoy it.

Intraluminal · Answer

Unless you're a a switch (you go back and forth between submissive and dominant ) I'm pretty sure it's a life-long trait.

Consider the macho guys who are submissive, and they exist, they have a *lot* at stake to "get over" their submissive desires, but they never do. I think there's a setting in our brain that gets set before birth probably.

That said, just don't do it. People do without sex all the time. You can still have sex, just not thrilling sex.

Alan180188 · Answer

women are naturally submissive, nothing to be ashamed of, but if you are looking for a way to change it then you can try to be on top more and do the job your self and challenging him once a while.

xslope · Answer

I don't think you can. Well to be more accurate... you can, but you might not enjoy it and still grave to be submissive if that's in your nature. Depending how strong the pull is. Some submissive types are fine having power balance in bedroom and they just silently wish to be put in submissive role and some grave it a lot. There's several different shades of dominant and submissive and further you are in the extreme ends of the scale, the harder time you will have enjoying sex that is in the middle or opposite end of the scale.

SakuraCherryBlossoms · Answer

Have you tried being dominant at all?

WombRaider · Answer

You can't. It's part of your biology.

Deadpool7699 · Answer

Just try things out... Try being on top, in doggy style, reverse missionary etc... try giving him orders during sex. but if you don't like it as much as being submissive that's fine, nothing t be ashamed off