Girls, I was raped and my big brother is taking care of me and for some reason I always want him to touch me, why?

Anonymous
A few days ago I was raped, and very violently at that. I tried to resist at first but then stopped when I realised I couldn't overpower him so I let he had his way with me. But after he was done he threw me to the ground and repeatedly stomped me into a bloody pulp. I lay there on the floor for about a day before I called my brother. I remember when a friend of mine had been raped, if you tried to pat her shoulder she would shrink away, but (instinctivly without thinking) I hugged him and it made me feel so safe. He drove me to the hospital where I was swabbed for evidence and gave my testimony to the police. I asked if I could stay with him for a while and I always sought pkysical contact with him for comfort. I always want to be in the same room as him, I always hug him, I sit on his lap or spoon when we watch tv together and I sleep every night wrapped up in his arms. But one day I was changing (I was in my underwear) and I had a flashback. He ran into the room and as soon as I snapped out of it I jumped into his arms. But this hug felt 10x better than the other ones because I could feel his arms on the skin of my body and it made us feel so close. I held on for about 10 minutes. Later I asked if he could massage my back (with my shirt and bra off) and OMFG it was soooooooo soothing. Later, he was sitting on the couch and I asked him If he would hold and carress me curled up on his lap in my underwear. At first he was weirded out but after I explained he let me and when he carressed my flanks and thighs it was hypnotic, I fell into a trance. I swear it feels soothing but I wasn't turned on at all. Last night I asked him if we could cuddle with my shirt and bra off (he had his shirt on and the lights were off so he couldn't see or feel anything) and OMFG the feeling of his big hand holding my tiny waist and his other one carressing my back made me feel so secure and relaxed I went right to sleep. Is it weirdthat I have these feelings?
Girls, I was raped and my big brother is taking care of me and for some reason I always want him to touch me, why?
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