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Could you date someone (male or female) who was raped or sexually assaulted?

I haven't been, just FYI, but there are people who I am close to who have experienced sexual assault during periods of their lives and I'd be lying if I didn't feel bad for them. I could only imagine their experience, so I did, and it inspired me to beg the question: "Would it scare someone away if I told them I was sexually assaulted?" Note, I would never do such a thing, but I can only imagine how many assault survivors have to ask themselves this question, and how many don't speak up out of fear of scaring someone off. So my question for you today is: could you date someone of your preferred gender even if they had been sexually assaulted/raped? Why or why not?
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Most Helpful Girls

  • Not if the experience altered their world view and sense of realism. If they are strong enough to pass that phase, maybe. If it changed them, absolutely not. Most people aren't strong.

    I would also advice my sons to avoid abused people of all kinds, mentally and/or physically abused people. All of them. Raped, beaten, mentally abused and indoctrinated. All of them have a high chance of being dysfunctional in some way. I will not gamble with the health, wealth, and stability of my family, nor will I grow my children up with an altruistic mentality to do that.

    My mother was a psychologist, and a psychiatrist in the last years of her life. She told me "brain is like glass, most people are mentally ill. mental health is a luxury." She was a biological determinist and believed all mental illnesses, minor and major, are physical and related to very minor to major damages to brain, or hormonal changes, or certain changes in brain function.

    I follow her line of thinking.

    Though I don't believe that people can't change, and that as soon as you get abused you become dysfunctional, I still don't let my children get close to such people before teaching them to read them and examine their mental health like a psychologist. And even after that they have to see why and how they got abused. I will probably just tell them to avoid all of them.

    Like I said, I don't gamble with the health, wealth, and stability of my family.

  • You'd be ASTONISHED what the right man can do for a girl. Even if it ain't a forever thing.

    I mean... you can have "a girl who'll never get over what happened", but, that's girl version 1.0. Girl 1.0 is fucked 4lyf.

    Then, Girl 1.0 meets the right man and she doesn't even have to anymore -- because she's a NEW woman. Version 2.0.
    Thanks to him.

    "What happened" is a problem that Girl 1.0 is stuck with. Girl 2.0 can basically give 2 shits, because all that mess happened to someone else entirely -- it happened to Girl 1.0, who by this point is a complete fuckin' stranger.

    Really. That's a thing.

    We talk about cutting our hair, etc. with breakups, because THAT kinda helps to shed our old selves.
    With REAL love, though -- the kind of love that makes you put it ALL on the line -- the opposite is even more true. Real love creates a new woman entirely.
    New woman.
    Version 2.0.

    It's not just "the first day of the rest of her life".
    it's actually the first day of her life.

    Yep.
    That's a thing.

    That's how you boys get a girl through shit like this. By NOT getting her "through" it.

    You know how diamonds are made, right? You press on shitty carbon -- coal -- so fucking hard that the molecules rearrange themselves into diamond.

    THAT's how you solve this problem.
    You love that woman so damn hard that she starts to SHINE. Like she's brand new.
    Because she is.

    <3

    • So much truth.

    • @farscryer0 Recognize!

  • No way in hell I could date someone who lets that ruin their life and become a really sad, depressing person.

    Yes what happened was horrible but sitting around mopping about it isn't going to change the past. There are people who have seen worse things in life and are still going. You have dudes from the military seeing their friends get blown up right in front of their face. That or they had parts of them blown off and are not handicapped. One of the dudes that had his face horribly burned was driving a Humvee when its left front tire hit an Improvised Explosive Device; Martinez suffered smoke inhalation and severe burns to more than 34 percent of his body. He was evacuated to Ramstein AB, Germany for immediate care and transferred to the Army Institute of Surgical Research Burn Center at Brooke Army Medical Center (BAMC) in San Antonio, Texas. He spent 34 months at BAMC and has undergone 33 cosmetic and skin graft surgeries. Despite all of that he went on dancing with the stars. So he didn't let the traumatic experience he had hold him back from living.

    • Never use what happened to you prevent yourself from moving on with your life.

Most Helpful Guys

  • I would categorise it as you would have to be in that situation. First of all, I would like to think I could but in reality you don't know how it will affect a person. I was in a relationship with someone who suffered domestic abuse and it raises so many issues, half of which you couldn't think of. We eventually broke up over a myriad of issues, how many if any were tied to the abuse, I don't know, I just know I had to leave for the sake of my sanity and health (yeah it was that bad).
    I know you have very good intentions asking the question but in truth I can't answer honestly. I have an aversion to categorising things, I feel each case is different and how it affected the girl/woman will never be the same. Even for example I might be better equipped as a person to deal with person As situation to person Bs situation.
    On the whole I don't think if I made a connection with someone and they said that, I would walk away but I would try to stay and say lets talk about it. That said nothing in life is a guarantee and can I say I'll be there forever, no I can't but I would try.

  • Of course I could. There are very few instances of something called "rape" which can in any way be blamed on the victim. I would feel a need to be particularly sensitive to the residual effects of their trauma and that would be potentially uncomfortable for me, but every relationship requires some type of effort.

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What Girls & Guys Said

12 40

  • Yes, and in fact I have. Rape can be an absolutely traumatic thing and the psychological damage can affect future relationships, so I understand why someone might be hesitant to be in a relationship with someone who was raped. But, the truth is, many people come into relationships with some sort of emotional baggage, whether that is from assault, or abusive family members, or dealing with addiction or depression. Almost all of us are damaged in one way or another and it is a sign of maturity that we can accept people for who they are and be in relationship with them while providing them the support they need as they seek healing.

  • well, my boyfriend is dating me, so.

    i probably could, though i would have obvious concerns about his or her mental health.

  • Sure. The last thing I would do is abandon them after revealing such a personal piece of information about themselves. I'd be open to dating them, and if it doesn't work out, it won't be because they told me they were assaulted.

  • My ex-wife had been date-raped by an ex-bf. My wife had been sexually molested by an uncle. So, yeah...

    It is, unfortunately, more common than one might think.

  • If I’m being honest I probably would not because sometimes the trauma could be too much. I’m someone who lived in a household where a sibling had a mental health issue that broke my whole family. I probably would not be okay with dating a man if he had lots of trauma and couldn’t really function. I feel like my own mental health would deteriorate while trying to help him. I just don’t think I could go through that.

  • Absolutely. It'd be quite distressing to learn that someone I thought cared for me decided not to date me because someone else violated me 10 years ago... that's awful!!

    • Agreed <3 <3 <3

  • Why not? Of course.

  • Yeah.

  • Sure, there are more people that went through that than you know. You see them everyday and probably know or have dated one before. I think probably 15% of people have had something happen.

  • Absolutely. It's nothing they did. That would be like not being friends with someone cuz they got beat up in the parking lot.

  • I would, I don't mind helping her get over her fears, but I would only date her if she's willing to change.
    I can't marry a woman that is never gonna get over what happened, cause in the end she's gonna drag me down with her.
    I'm not a therapist so I don't know if what I'm doing is the right thing, I'm not prepared to deal with that kind of stuff.

    I'm ready to help, but I'm not gonna risk my health and happiness for someone else. I know some people will think I'm selfish and whatever, I don't care, but I've already suffered trying to help others, and their problems weren't as big as rape or sexual assault, so I don't wanna go through that again, cause in the end I would be trying to make someone else happy, while making myself miserable.

    • If "yr health and happiness" still exist independently, then, that ain't love anyway. So I suppose it's all good.

    • @redeyemindtricks You need time to love, you can't just love her right when you meet her, it takes months, and during those months your health and happiness suffers. And you can never love someone that is draining you and not making you happy.

    • "And you can never love someone that is draining you and not making you happy." ^^ Yeah you can. Sincerely, Anyone who's ever had children (at least some of the time, anyway)

    • Show All

  • Yes, I could date such a person... and I have.

  • i hope someone could, but yeah I can.

  • Without a doubt yes. If that person were a sweet girl I wouldn't even hesitate.
    One thing that could be a worry, though, would be if the person herself would be ready for a relationship :o
    But even if not, I'd be there as a good friend and give it time :D

  • Well... I guess it would be kind of something that we'd share. So I'd be able to understand a little better. I still think it might be difficult tho. I mean you'd essentially have 2 damaged people trying to start a relationship.

    • Why would anybody want to glue 2 things together, unless each of them was obviously missing something? Fuck "undamaged" people. Their lives haven't even started yet. They're not even alive. They're deadstock. They're only "undamaged" because no one's ever picked them up off the fucking shelf. I'll take "alive" any day, tyvm. <3

    • @redeyemindtricks we're all damaged in one way or another.

  • A lot or my exes came from a bad background, and yeah in the back of my mind I was concerned, but I still liked them so I tried to work it out. I try my best to not bring up my past experiences, but I have almost been raped by a woman believe or not. At the same time, I am not going to allow that to stop me from having a relationship.

  • I could, but I would worry about her mental health.

  • Yeah. I think most of us have been sexually abused in some way. I know I have.

  • Yes, I could. It would not dissuade me in any way. Consent is already important to me.

  • Yes I would (and I have )

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