I love my girlfriend, but I really want to sleep with other women. What should I do?

Question

Me (29) Her (27)

Just wondering. We have been together for almost 2 years now, and living together over 1 year. I love her a lot and I do find her attractive, but I just can't stop thinking about other women. I really just want to have sex with another woman here and there. I know that is terrible, and I try to stop myself from thinking this but I can't. I see beautiful women everywhere, and I just can't help myself. I have not cheated on her though, and don't plan too, but...

I have thought about opening up our relationship, but I'm not sure if I could handle her sleeping with other guys. I wouldn't mind women though, she is bi. I know that is hypocritical, but maybe I would be ok with another guy as long as I didn't know about it and she was safe. I don't know. But it seems fair if I slept with other women. But if we do that shouldn't we just leave each other? Are we just scared?

I am just really confused, I could see us together forever and having kids, but at the same time, I can also see a life without her. I am just afraid I would miss her. Our sex has dwindled and it just makes me want other women even more. She is on anti depressants and it has made her a better person, but she can't cum while on the medication, and it takes the fun out of sex. 

She has talked about threesomes, and swinging before, but it was all just talk. Maybe being able to watch her with another woman would fill that hole, but I would also feel like she is getting to sleep with other people but I don't. What the fuck do I do? Can I make this work, or am I just delaying the inevitable?

hellionthesage · Accepted Answer

Thats not going to fix the relationship thats just going to drive a bigger wedge between you to. If your not satisfied with the relationship and then you have her having sex with other people and you having sex with other people then now you have removed yet another thing that helps keep you connected with each other. Its like removing another nail and assuming its going to hold it together better instead of worse. You are feeling this way because you have been riding the high of the relationship (when you first get with some one the brain releases a lot of chemicals that make it pleasurable to be with them). Now those have worn off and you think that this is an abnormal feeling rather then the previous euphoria being the abnormal feeling. Communicate with her and try to work things out. If you stick with it eventualy you will become more satisfied with this relationship then you where when it first started (this has been shown in many statistics for marriage, after those who last past this low patch end up reporting much higher levels of happiness then previously reported). The brain rewires itself so that you actually start feeling better about the relationship, but only if your communicating and resolvign issues. Sex with other people will only cause you two to drift apart more then you already have.

ksoma · Accepted Answer

you have three choices:
threesomes, where you find a mutually desired woman, bring her into your bed, and share her.

getting over it and settling for monogamy. do you think the rest of us feel no desires for what we are not having? of course we do! but self control and our commitment matter more.

leaving her. if you can not stay true to her, leave now, and be honest as to why, before she catches you cheating. Because you will cheat, judging how you are writing, and there is no just reason to excuse putting her through that.

Lovenotdrama · Accepted Answer

From a woman's perspective
If I thought my man was having these feelings it would be enough to make Me want to leave.
Call me too mature if you like but your considering being intimate with someone other than your partner. In the end do you think she will be able to trust you? I couldn't and the thought of my man getting his things with someone other than me... Eww. I'm sorry but it's a huge no and you obviously can't love her.
I'm just being honest..
Two options
1) concentrate on bringing the fun back onto the bedroom, explore what makes her tick.. Bring in props, get creative, make her feel sexy.. The high of making her Cum will be better than any high with another women
2) leave, do her a favour, allow to find someone who will truly love her and Want to be with her and only her

Jasmine777 · Accepted Answer

Men always lust over other women. Lusting and taking action are two different things. I would say you obviously don't love her enough. However, as I've gotten older, I see a lot of different relationships that work. However, if you plan on swinging, be careful. I'm concerned about her being on antidepressants and how she feels about herself. Swinging can bring out serious insecurities including jealousy or you may run off with the 3rd party. It's tricky business. Do you think time out would help? You are obviously not getting something from this relationship. Maybe see other people and get it out of your system. It sounds like you need to finish sowing those oats before committing. Reading between the lines. I'm not sure you know what you really want. Good luck.

Offthelist · Accepted Answer

I think you could make it work. Ultimately i think id be flexible with some of those options if i were her. I think just establishing boundaries and rules of what you can and can't do with or without eachother is the main thing. Just establish a sexual code of things you save for eachother. Id understand if my boyfriend wanted to swing. Id be cool with it. I think it could add a different dynamic. Maybe Save a few certain things you only do with eachother or just in your presence etc.. A strong bond between you is the important thing. I think if you trust your love and commitment between eachother before anything else then bringing others into the equation i think its something you could do without much problem.

Lioness · Accepted Answer

The most alarming thing I read was "She can't cum, which takes the fun out of sex." That is your whole justification for wanting other women. That is a red flag because it should be you are concerned she can't cum for her own fun, but no this is about you and what you are not getting. This relationship is Over.

Realistic07 · Answer

I say talk with her and let the dice fall where they may, but be prepared for the door you might be opening.

lericah · Answer

Well you need to negotiate with her and find out what she is open to first. I think an open relationship is a great way to not only open new perspectives and see different sides to your partner but to challenge both of you to strengthen your own relationship. I think her being with another guy is something you just need to get comfortable with rather then something you'll know immediately before hand what you think of

In my opinion the best open relationship is one were both couples are involved with guests to the relationship and guests are ok'd by both parties before hand. The healthiest open relationship is more of a multi-person relationship then one night stands and individual partners.

BuchitaBuchys · Answer

You're delaying the inevitable.

Sara413 · Answer

Maybe bring up the option of having a FMF threesome with her?

bryon · Answer

Split up. You may feel like you love her but in reality you must not , or the urge to have other women wouldn't be too hard to squash out

OlderAndWiser · Answer

Have you talked to her about the current state of your desires and the problem it presents for your relationship? This is something that you should be working on together.

Sigh82 · Answer

So she should be okay with you sleeping with other women but you couldn't fathom her sleeping with other men. So don't dish it if you can't take it. If you want to be single and sleep around be honest with her. Don't keep her around because "you're afraid you're going to miss her" at the end of day you're a guy most of you are horn dogs, but is it really worth it?

SarahsSummer · Answer

Sounds like if you both are attracted to other women, invite a bi girl over for the both of you together.

CheerGirl38139 · Answer

I don't know. I'm still laughing about "fill that hole". LMAO But it sounds like you should follow the swinger conversation to see where that takes you maybe...

pogicraft · Answer

I need to tell you that you don't love her dude. Your whole argument is self centered (in a literal sense) and you don't seem to realize this must be even harder on her than it is on you.

My suggestion is to go with the open relationship idea. Hopefully you'll both find someone else and make the breakup easier. And hopefully you can still be her friend because it doesn't sound like you're the type to leave her alone in her time of need.

WhatTheHellAmy · Answer

FFM 3some is the way to go, tell her  also, give her good sex and she won't need medication

WalterRadio · Answer

If you have open communication, just tell her you will sleep with other women. She can be with the two of you are not.

LifeEqualsLove · Answer

If you were really in love, would you really be having those feelings for other women? Maybe deep down you know that the problem is in the relationship itself. Maybe you need some space?

HeresJames1 · Answer

Open relationship

sparkly-crystal · Answer

be emotionally monogamous but physically polygamous.

orphan · Answer

the only thing you love is a sure thing... not your girl.

Mimi_8 · Answer

You're not ready for a relationship. You don't want to settle down, don't waste her time.

thewhiteballer · Answer

I don't think you really love her because I said the same thing then I actually ended up cheating with her bfast a few months after I started feeling that way. Trust me man just do the right thing and save her the pain.