Boyfriend has become increasingly rough in bed, is this becoming an abusive relationship? What do I do?

[Anonymous]

From the get go my boyfriend has always been the one to initiate sexual contact. When I first started giving my boyfriend oral I noticed he took charge immediately and enjoyed controlling how fast or how deep I took him. Then he started forcing himself so far in that I started to gag and tear up, but he wouldn't stop. When I tried to move away he pushed my head down and told me to choke on it. This now happens every time he makes me go down on him. At first I thought it was just a little turn on for him to do that kind of stuff to me, but it's no longer fun to please him when he's being so rough. During sex he used to be gentle and passionate, but now he'll flip me over and force me into awkward, usually painful positions. He stopped asking or caring if I was in the mood, and now he'll just have sex with me whenever he wants, whether I'm "ready" or not... When I tell him I'm not in the mood he'll get really mad. Usually he'll kiss me, and go ahead anyway. I enjoy sex as much as the next, but this is no longer fun or enjoyable for me. He'll use me until he's done, and never gets me off intentionally. I love my boyfriend, but not in bed. When we're out of the house we always have an amazing time. He treats me well enough and says he loves me every now and then. But whenever we're at home alone, especially in the bedroom, it feels like I'm just there for his personal, sexual pleasure. Does this relationship seem strange to you? What can I do to make him stop using me in the bedroom?

[BlueCoyote]

The way I see it, your problem is that you don't follow through on your words. You say that you've told him many times "please stop, you're hurting me" and things like that. But you don't seem to connect your words with any kind of actions. This is like really bad child care. Imagine you've got this naughty child who loves to break expensive china all the time (or throw soccer balls through windows or something like that). You tell the child "don't break my china, I don't like it!" but you don't do anything to actually enforce your request. What's going to happen? Nothing! The child won't give a fuck because... why should it? It knows exactly that "mommy won't punish me", so it can just continue as though nothing ever happened.
Translated to your situation, this means you have to ENFORCE your words. Standing up for yourself doesn't just mean telling the guy that you don't like something, it also means following through on your words. In German we have a saying that goes "people who can't listen have to feel it". Your boyfriend seems to be one of those people. Make him FEEL it. Refuse to have sex with him. If he tells you "this is your job as a girlfriend", reply by saying "What kind of fucked up opinion is this? I'm not your slave. I'm not your employee either. This is not a job I'm doing here!"
As long as you just humbly beg for mercy, nothing will ever change, I can tell you this right now. Stand up for yourself by declaring "That's it. I'm not gonna take this crap anymore. If you want to be with me, treat me with respect." If he tries to make you feel guilty, stick to your guns. Stay hard. Just leave. This way, he might wake up and realize "oh shit, I think she might actually be serious this time". If you get all soft and go back to him, he will think "Hehe, and there she comes crawling again!"

Also, one great way to make him stop might be to publicly humiliate him. This however only works if you can really stick up for yourself. The way you do it is this: wait until you're outside together and you're together with some people whose opinions he cares about (for example his parents or his best friends). Then, wait until he gets all pseudo-sweet and starts his bullshit about how much he loves you. Once he says that, you reply in a voice loud enough for everyone to hear "You keep telling me that you love me. Why do you disrespect me and treat me like shit every time we have sex?" This will embarrass him and make him re-think his actions.

[Asker]

That whole "stand up for yourself" is a great idea, but it's easier said than done. Especially because I care too much about his reaction and opinion. We've known eachother since pre-school and his parents know and love that we're together. I could never publicly humiliate my boyfriend as you suggested we.

[BlueCoyote]

Alright, then I guess you need to find another way. I know it's easier said than done to stand up for yourself, I'm fully aware of it. But you still have to do it. Like I said (and like almost everyone else here told you): as long as you don't enforce any consequences, he will just continue to walk all over you. And if you fall for that whole bullshit about "oh I love you so much" when you guys are out together, you're eventually the dumb one. Cuz trust me, I'm a guy and I know how guys like him work. Some guys will do EVERYTHING to get the kind of sex they want (especially if they have been brainwashed by certain genres of porn). If that includes hurting you, they will hurt you. I have girls like you in my own friend circle. They've dated assholes for the longest time because it took them forever to see what's really going on. There's this one female friend who was beaten by her boyfriend and regularly wanted to leave him but every time she was about to break up, he would tell her

[BlueCoyote]

some sob story or make her feel guilty etc. and suddenly, everything was forgiven and forgotten and things went back to square one again. She's 32 now and some time ago, she once told me "it's crazy... it took me until my 30th birthday to realize how many idiots I dated". As a kind-hearted guy who's been in a great relationship for 6 years now, this boggles my mind. I just thought to myself "how can you be so stupid that it takes YEARS to finally realize you're being treated like crap?" I don't get. And there seem to be a lot of young girls like that out there. It's like the mother who doesn't do anything about her child destroying the expensive china but later complains to her friends how shitty children are. You need to change this. Make him feel the consequences and if gets all sweet and romantic suddenly, do not give a fuck about it (because if you do, you'll remain his puppet).

[BlueCoyote]

And I'm sorry if this came across as harsh but I just feel that girls like you need to hear it this way. Otherwise you'll let men walk all over you for another 10 years or so. Now me and everyone else here told you this. If you continue letting him treat you badly, it's frankly speaking your own fault.

[Asker]

You did come across a little harsh, but the truth hurts. I completely agree with everything you said, and I got up the nerve to end this crap in it's tracks. I broke up with my boyfriend today and as hard as it was to leave him, I was more afraid of the cycle that you spoke of. He was pretty upset, and he even cried, fortunately I had the nerve to stand my ground.

[BlueCoyote]

Wow, I really didn't expect that :-). Congratulations. Seriously. I can imagine that it must have been hard and I'm very sorry for you that you had to go through this. But believe me when I say girls like you deserve better. And in a few years you will look back at this and think "thank god did I not let this continue forever". I genuinely wish you all the best of luck to find a guy who treats you well and respects you in all parts of life - including sex. Just one more thing: don't become weak again. Don't give in to your ex-boyfriends apologies and crocodile tears. Like I said... I'm sorry you have to go through this but already in a few months, you will realize that there are many other men out there ;-).

[AustinMan]

It sounds to me like he's had this Dom fantasy for a long time. I wouldn't call it abuse but if you don't like it and he won't stop, move on. You'll want to talk to him about it all first, thought:

www.girlsaskguys.com/.../a10152-how-to-talk-to-your-so-about-sex

[tinyclit]

It doesn't seem strange at all. A lot of women enjoy those activities. More power to 'em. As I was reading, up to a certain point there I was thinking yeah baby, I love that! I'm submissive and I very much want my husband to use me for sex. But what you describe would be too much for me as well. If he's not listening to you and doesn't care what you think, then likely the only thing you can do is to dump him and find a guy who can still be dominate, yet will also listen to you, very much care what you think and what your needs are and who will not go overboard. Sexual compatibility is extremely important.

[Polaroidbabe]

You need to make yourself heard with him. If you're not in the mood you can't just give in because he kisses you or you feel bad making him mad. Most importantly you need to make him understand how it makes you feel when he doesn't respect you or your wants and needs in bed. Something like this will never go away or get better unless it's discussed. I wish you luck, you deserve better than to be used by someone who says that love you.

[BellePepper]

End the relationship. He's done.

He's hurting you without permission. That's not okay. Kick him out of your life. 66.media.tumblr.com/.../...69kVop1rj2phto1_500.gif

[Asker]

Done and done... time to press the reset button.

[BellePepper]

Good for you!

[cpzpbx3]

That is not okay. Rough sex and blow jobs can be great, but only when BOTH parties are into it. If he's being forceful AND selfish in the bedroom, continues after being told no, and gets angry when you try to refuse... those are major red flags. However he treats you outside of sex is irrelevant if you're being treated this way when you guys are alone. Not remotely okay.

[cpzpbx3]

Honestly, you need to get out before this turns into something really bad. Relationships like that ONLY ever get worse, not better. I understand you don't want him to slander you for leaving him, but you need to weigh your options here. Not only are you massively wasting your precious time with someone who doesn't respect you, but you could end up seriously hurt. Think about it.

[lexythelou22]

That's fucked up. If you say no, tell him to stop or wait, or try to get away, he should let you be and not do this shit. I understand the oral part, because you can't really communicate what you want as well, but when you flat out tell him to wait and he goes on anyway, that's borderline rape. Tell him to start respecting you and letting you decide when to have sex or you need to leave him before he ends up abusive elsewhere, or even just hurts you badly in bed.

[Asker]

I've told him straight up that I don't like what he's been doing. I'm afraid to leave him because I don't want him telling everyone I'm a whore or anything. I was his first, but he was my third and he knows it.

[cpzpbx3]

It's not just borderline rape. Forcing yourself on someone when you tell them no is literally exactly what rape is.

[lexythelou22]

I'd much rather see you safe with a bad reputation than see you get seriously injured because he gets too rough with you and messes up a body part badly. You need to do what's healthy for you, even if it means you'll get some shit talked about you. Three guys aren't even that bad. I know girls my age who have already hit 5. Be safe, hon.

[lexythelou22]

@cpzpbx3 I didn't read correctly, I had read it as more of a just too rough too soon situation. I made the mistake of skimming in the beginning, my bad. I did read through again though

[cpzpbx3]

By the time I was 20 I had been with 15 people. And you know what? Idgaf what anybody has to say about it. Three people is nothing. You're an adult. You reserve the right to have your boundaries respected by someone who is supposed to love you.

[AriadneSky]

@When I tried to move away he pushed my head down and told me to choke on it.

thi is when you stop and tell him this is unacceptable and you do not have sex with him until he learns to resect your boundaries.

[AriadneSky]

you dont wait fir him to ask if you like something or are in the mood you tell him. and i dont see why he gets to do whatever he wants., if its painful stop him if you're not liking it dont do it. why dont you speak up? him getting mad when you say no is not ok. this is not ok. this is normalizing going against your will. he's not trustworthy. you have to have a SERIOUS talk before he rapes you. he's completely disrespecting your will. and so are you. stand up for what you want/ dont want. the relationship and sex booms to you you're not a rag doll. if you dont like it TELL him.

[Asker]

I do tell him, I tell him to stop, I tell him he's hurting me, I tell him I don't like what he's been doing. He doesn't seem to care. Sometime's he'll lay off for a little while, but always eventually finds a way to get his way. When I try to leave he always makes me feel bad or guilty for not wanting to stay with him. He'll say, "that's your job," as a girlfriend, to be here.

[WassPoppin]

Good answer. Right now he's using you as a tool, either fix the relationship or get out of it.

[mooky06]

It just sounds like his being selfish when it comes to sex. I'm unsure why, maybe he likes being the dominate one. But you need to tell him that, that shit ain't cool. Literally tell him, it's not cool. If he wants sex, it needs to be a two way thing, and to lay off the roughness.

[Spermdumster666]

if he gets too rough then jam three fingers up his ass you get him to let up

[FingerDancer]

What can I do to make him stop using me in the bedroom?
Do not meet up there.

[AndyOh]

I highly doubt that he will change, ever. He might promise he will, but he won't.
So you have two choices, either learn to deal with the current situation and the future more abusive sex...
OR
Get yourself out of it now and hope he is not a nutjob.
Love it nice, but abuse is never nice. Goof Luck

[Intraluminal]

He's not going to change except for short periods. This is him. You have three choices: learn to be totally submissive sexually, learn to live with it, or leave him.

[idkwtftoputhere]

You need to have a legit serious talk with him and tell him to cut that shit out. If he can't even bother spending some time getting you ready, why are u bothering dating an inconsiderate bastard like him? Lol?

[Princeofanons]

Put a leash on him and if he does it again, no more treats.

[4465loveyou5577]

Just tell him how you feel

[HonestWhiteGuy]

My question is why you allowed it to go on for so long, sit him down and talk to him about it

[Asker]

I've talked to him many times and told him I don't like how he's been treating me. He'll apologize and promise not to do it again, but somehow never follows through...

[HonestWhiteGuy]

Tell him if he does it again you break up with him simple as that

[HonestWhiteGuy]

Now you know why guys say girls prefer assholes over nice guys

[Decentguy]

just express your feelings towards him and tell him that you dont like that and its causing you pain and if he really loves you and cares about you then im sure he won't do it again

[bcromartie]

Oh dear.

[Popo21]

Lol TELL HIM how you feel and threaten him that you're gonna leave him if he doesn't stop
Once my man was hard and brought it near my face and I gave him oral, and he kinda pushed my head in and I was pissed
I told him that he was disrespectful and I DID NOT like that
He was embarrassed and texted me that he was sorry and it's never happened again
That's him disrespecting you
Tell him that you're gonna stop having sex with him and that you feel used. And abused.

[ButteredToast]

Fuking troll.

[Asker]

Why the hell do you think I'm a troll?

[ButteredToast]

I just know how to sniff out trolls. I'm 99% sure you're a troll. Srs

[Asker]

We'll you've got a messed up troll detector then.

[wow989]

You need to dump his ass. Don't put up with that.

[Momof2015]

U could be being abused me n my man have been together for 4 years but when I go down on him he knows I was forced and raped so he doesn't force me. Do you tell him no and he still does stuff with you?

[Asker]

Yes, but it doesn't seem to matter.

[Momof2015]

he's rapeing you then get out now one day while he's gone just go.

[GAB61]

Run.

[Anonymous]

I think you two are incompatible.

I also think that he's dangerously unconcerned with your consent level.