How would you feel about dating a guy who'd jerked off to child porn?

[Anonymous]

IMPORTANT CONTEXT- I did so when I myself was a child, between the ages of 12 and 14. Back then, older women really turned me off- there was no such thing as an MILF IMHO. I couldn't jerk off to women who looked as old as, or older than, my mum and aunts, and I was most attracted to girls around my own age, so I secretly got child porn images (sneaking into the school library one evening, using the admin password, and printing it off before erasing the search history and sneaking back out- a loli-shota hentai tankoubon, since the guys I saw in the real life child-porn photos grossed me out even more than the older girls in mainstream porn), and jerked off to them instead. After a couple of years, the paper started wearing thin, and I disposed of it in the papier-mache mix for an art project. But in my mind, the memories of them are still deeply ingrained. You can't forget the images associated with your first orgasm, let alone your first few hundred orgasms in a row. And I can't deny that, as a child, I enjoyed jerking off to those images. That was more than half a lifetime ago now, and the image of my sexually idealized girl aged as I did- to an extent. I still prefer petite and athletic girls to curvy and full-bodied girls though, and I've nearly been jail-baited enough times that I now make sure to always find out what a girl's age is before asking her out, even if I have to straight-up ask her "How old are you?" The fact that I have a baby-face, and that people still ask for proof that I'm over 18 when I'm now 28, doesn't help matters- the only girls who ever seem to flirt with me turn out to be 17, 16. And while the age of consent's 16, I'm not comfortable with dating an under-18 girl. I'm still a virgin by choice, because I want a vanilla relationship with a girl my own age- always have, always will. But would any girl be able to look past my past if she ever found out? How critical is it to makes sure that no girl ever does?

[renogaza]

if you were a child at the time then i suppose its natural that you would be attracted to your age group than to pornstar age groups, but that doesn't mean that its ok for you to watch child pornography (i'm hoping its not under age 13), but since your preference matured as you grew up then i suppose its fine, just don't go back to it (at least not real child porn)

technically speaking reading loli tankoubon or doujinshi doesn't necessary have any red flags, because loli only actually refers to small bodied girls (that are.. flat) and not necessarily underaged, but fakku does love to delete them all nowadays (and yes i read doujinshi and some tankoubon as well, porn in general turns me off)

to answer your question, i don't think you should tell people outright, because they might misunderstand or not let you finish, its better if you're already in a long relationship with them, or preferably when you've been married, and know that they love you before you tell them about that part of your past :)

[renogaza]

what I'm actually more concerned with is that the only way to get child porn pictures or video's is by going into the dark web, that's really dangerous (not illegal), I'm surprised you skimmed the dark net for that long with your sanity intact, assuming you went to the dark net to get it.. i wouldn't go back there if i were you xD

[Asker]

I only did it that one time, and didn't go back (didn't even use the 'dark web' to do it- this was back in the Internet's dark ages, before Google). The actual child pornography, featuring photos of real children doing sex acts, was thankfully something which I only have the faintest wisps of memories of, because I only saw it that one time in the library, and found it repugnant enough never to go back to it or fap to it. That's not to say that I haven't skimmed the dark web since then- Fakku, and the questionable applications of their 'pettanko' tag back in the day, certainly rings a bell. And I've seen some pretty messed-up shit there. But my sanity's pretty resilient. And I've always been a visual reader, blurring the boundary between novels and graphic novels for me- some of the M-rated fanfics out there can be just as bad or worse...

[Asker]

By the way, thank you for being so polite and understanding. It's just that, the longer that time goes on, and the longer that those remain my most important and memorable sexual experiences, the more that I hate myself for having done that, all of those years ago. Do I even deserve to be loved, after what I did?

[renogaza]

i see so you did that before google, its been so long i almost forgot that the dark net used to be the regular web - the dark ages of the internet, its good that you didn't stick around with it since that part of the web got pretty corrupt since then lol true about the pettanko tag, but it wasn't fakku that did it rather the community did it so they could try to fool fakku's automated system and gm's, its all messed up there now so i don't bother reading there anymore :\ you're welcome, i know some women would not be as understanding because they'd rather jump the gun without understanding the circumstances of the time, especially since most girls (and all people really) don't actually spend any time in the dark web or try to understand, but there are some who'd rather listen than talk first, you've done well to preserve your integrity and i hope that you continue to, and i do believe that you deserve to be loved :)

[renogaza]

(only serial rapists and mass murderers and trump doesn't deserve to be loved xD) (not a Hilary fan either)

[rosey_bananas]

I would not think about that. You were young yourself and it looks like you have managed your urges, which I know can be something very hard to do. Like you were saying, you stay away from it. So, you don't have to tell anybody about that, but after reading that I'm not too concerned to be honest. Why? Because you aren't acting on it! As long as you stay not acting on the urge and stay away from young girls, I say you're fine.

[alicewhite]

never talk about it if you have stopped feeling this way to any girl you decide to date in the future (your age or some years younger/older). this why scare any person.

[Asker]

And understandably so. But the thing is, I can't be totally certain that I have stopped feeling this way; the memories are still sexually arousing even now, and I'm worried that my sexual preference for girls with petite figures may have been influenced by those images I fapped off to, during my sexual awakening. And since I'm still a virgin, I've never formed any new sexual memories potent enough to place those ones in the shade. If someone's had underage sex, and still finds the memory of those underage sexual encounters sexually arousing more than a decade later as a grown adult, never having had a comparably intense sexual experience since then, would it make that person a pedophile? I believe that it wouldn't, so I believe I'm not. But if you believe that it would, then I suppose I would qualify as a pedo in your eyes.

[Love2Jackit]

Any man that jacks off 2 child porn. He's a sick man that needs help. U should either try 2 he him help. Better yet report 2 the sexoffenders. Reason i say that if he jacks off 2 child porn. Then probably sometime in life he has sexual encounter with a child. Only reason nobody knows. He has told that child if he tells. Then something bad would either happened 2 them or family member. Jacking off 2 child porn is totally evil. Cause Gods children are suppose 2 be pure. Meaning if they are robbed of thier innocence. It totally change them for ever. Thinking about what I am trying 2 say. Any man that does what he does should be casterated. By doing that it helps ease his mind of the Devil sickness.

[Anonymous]

I would take that to the grave

[Asker]

Think I will, hombre.

[AngelLily]

If you are a grown man who watches child porn then I would never date you because you would be a sick bastard.

[TheButterfly]

Given my childhood experiences I would run the other way and never look back

[Asker]

Given your age, as I've already said, I wouldn't feel comfortable dating you anyway. You're too young for me.

[TheButterfly]

Yeaaah I wasn't asking so

[Asker]

The sexual activities which people may have engaged in during their childhoods, whether by choice as I did or against our will as you did, do not define their sexual identities in the here and now, in the present day. You should understand that better than anyone.

[TheButterfly]

They may not define you but they can certainly haunt you

[Asker]

Is it fair that they should haunt the other people you come into contact with as well? I may not have experienced even a fraction of the trauma which you did, but we both know how it feels, knowing that most people would decide to run the other way and not look back due to our childhood sexual activities. It doesn't feel good, does it?

[Asker]

And given this knowledge, knowing that most people would run and never look back if they knew, do you/would you tell the person who you're in a relationship the details of your childhood sexual history? Could you? Would you trust any guy to be capable of looking past that, if he ever found out? Or do you feel that it's important to keep it to yourself, to keep it secret from guys to avoid inevitable rejection?

[TheButterfly]

I've never been rejected because I was sexually abused. It doesn't work like that. All I'm saying is, best to keep it to yourself

[Anonymous]

You were a child yourself, I don't think it's bad that you fantasized about someone about your age. I wouldn't necessarily mind.

[Anonymous]

That's alarming