Sexual Relationships
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Do you feel someone having sex with their spouse while they're asleep, is essentially rape?

I was watching an old episode of Dr. Phil where this couple was on there and the husband admitted to having sex with his wife while she was sound asleep. He said "he wanted to see if he could do it without waking her up", he also thought it would be "funny". So, do you believe if a spouse has sex with their spouse while they are fast asleep, that it could essentially be defined as rape (since they are not awake to give consent)? What do you think?
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Most Helpful Guys

  • It depends on two factors.

    1. Was there communication beforehand? In my last relationship we had a conversation about the topic and then it ended up happening a few times from waking up with oral to sex. She did it more than me. Though neither of us could really sleep through it all.

    2. Their relationship. I mean if you had sex and generally are really sexual with each other I doubt either spouse has essentially a problem with it. I remember all the girls around here asking about waking up their boyfriend with a blowjob - I am sure they didn't communicate something along the lines with said boyfriend beforehand. It's the same situation.
    If you are comfortable with each other that shouldn't be a problem and worst case is the receiving end says he/she doesn't want that and end of the story.

    That being said I can relate why people think it's weird, aweful, whatnot. When I was younger I didn't get that as well, but with time and with having a partner it definitely clicked - because a partnership is based on trust and mutual understanding.

  • Ok, first of all Dr Phil is just a tv show. Don't believe everything you see on tv, k? When you get married, do you not give yourself to your partner? Isn't getting married the only permission you need? If you don't want someone having sex with you, why would you marry them? So if my wife makes me take out the garbage when I don't want to, should I call the police and charge her with harassment? WTF is wrong with you? Couples are married because they love each other and want to please each other. Any spouse that thinks they were "raped" by your description obviously doesn't love their spouse and has no business being married.

    • Dr. Phil is on tv but it's not like the Jerry Springer show or Maury, Dr. Phil is a doctor and his goal is to help people hence why people go on there. Also, there's a lot of people on here that have screwed up view of marriage. Sure you marry someone and love and trust are apart of that but you don't stop having the right to say no or being a person because you married someone. You're not their property.

    • I understand what you are saying and yes, any unwanted sex should be considered rape. But I think you are wrong to classify all acts of sex on a women by her husband when she is asleep as being automatically rape. You are going overboard and you also victimizing all women and criminalizing all men harshly and unfairly. Any normal and loving marriage, this is accepted and welcomed. If a woman doesn't like sexual advances from her husband then the marriage obviously has serious problems and in all likelihood they should not be married. If you personally feel a wife has to give verbal or written permission every time they have sex then you are living a loveless and mechanically cold life. Please do a guy a favor and clearly explain this to him on the first date so he won't waste his time on you with a second date.

    • truthbeknown, I agree.

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Most Helpful Girls

  • I don't think it is rape. Sex between spouses and willing girls/guys should have all the adventures. If sex while one is sleeping is considered rape, fun evaporates. Yes, if wife is not physically fit to response positively, husband's forceful action can be termed as RAPE.
    Many a times during my sleep, my husband have had sex with me. Surely when woman's sensitive parts are touched, she wakes up. Her reaction and response tells if she welcomes sex at this odd moment. For me, it is always pleasant.

    • Thanks for selecting me MHG.

  • If they wake up and stay stop that they don't want it. It definitely is rape. If they talked about sleep sex or being woke up that way before and seemed ok with it I don't think that is rape. If they are having problems in their relationship, if she's been told by a doctor to not do it for awhile I think that does count as rape. If she isn't in a normal sleep meaning she was drinking or had drugs I would consider it rape.

  • I'd be a little weirded out, like why would you do that to someone when they are asleep? What pleasure are you getting from it? I wouldn't go running out screaming rape, but I'd definitely tell him not do that again. Married or not I still have rights to my own body and he needs to respect that.

    • I agree.

    • It's the same mindset I had when younger as well. Once you do have (had) partner with whom you got intimate and share a bond of trust and vulnerability it changes things a lot. If sex has become as a natural and normal aspect of your relationship something like this above is no different than your partner cuddling at you while you are asleep. What to get out of it? Well, with my ex where it happened a few times neither she nor I slept through it so it was a sense of waking up to have sex while already having sex (if that makes sense). When you are still half-asleep it's a weird sensation. Nothing you want to do regulary, but it is fun every once in a while. Essentially the same as when girls around here ask for "waking my boyfriend up with a blowjob" That being said, we both communicated about it beforehand and I think since not everyone would be fully comfortable with it, there should be a talk about it.

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What Girls & Guys Said

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  • Yes it definitely can if the parter wakes up and is NOT okay with it.

    • or finds out and is still not okay with it.

  • Not rape. Absent an explicit refusal, marriage is a form of implied consent within narrow bounds.

  • I can't imagine sleeping though anyone fucking me. I'd have to be passed out drunk or drugged for that to happen.

    I'm kind of old school when it comes to marriage and each person's role in the marriage. I believe it's a woman's duty to avail herself for sex whenever her husband wants it therefore a man can not rape his wife.

    • So you're ok with spousal rape? I'm not talking about this case, but in abusive relationships etc. How nice

    • @Napoli If a marriage becomes that abusive it's time for divorce. My birth mother was in what I would consider an abusive marriage but she took her licks and shut up about it as did my father's wife.

  • Unless it is something that is explicitly discussed and agreed upon as something that is OK to do, it is rape.

    Sex without consent is rape. A sleeping person cannot give consent.

  • No, its weird but not really rape as when you are married sex between each other is normal and the marital contract is in my opinion de facto consent (until other wise stated) Otherwise any attempt to touch them would be sexual assault and any attempt to talk about sex with them would be sexual harassment. The person married them and by extention stated that this was their mate that they trusted them and their judgment and that they believed that the person would do no intentional harm to them so in my opinion its not rape in any way. I guess I would liken it to if a woman was having sex with her guy and then decided to be risqué and put a finger in his butt because she heard about prostate orgasms. Is that rape? No, is it something you should not do with out forewarning? Yes. So awkward and weird but not rape.

  • Depends on their intentions. My husband wakes me up with sex and I love it. I think it's something you need to give permission on. I told my Husband if he ever gets horny and I'm sleeping, that he can go ahead. If the woman has not specified that she is okay with that, it may be considered rape

  • Not if you have given prior permission and your aware its something your partner want to do.

  • Technically yes.
    I wouldn't appreciate that. But would i completely freak? No

  • well the sleeping partner clearly did not consent so yes it is definitely rape in my opinion

    now it depends where you live if the law considers it rape but in my opinion and by law in America it is rape

  • Yes it is because it was without consent.

  • If they didn't had sex before that at all, then it's really awful thing to do, otherwise, I don't really see it as such a big deal, but ya it's might technically count as a 'rape', but it's only shows how easy is it to accuse people for raping, as it's an quite grey case.

  • Well if they both agreed before that they are both okay with the other having sex with them when they are asleep then it's okay. But if they never talked about then it's not okay.

  • Is this episode the one where the husband wanted to get his wife pregnant to hold on to her?

    • Yep.

  • duhh unless he got permission or something beforehand

  • That's his damn wife lmao. He can fondle her while she is sleeping all he wants. If it was penetration then she would of been awake at that point unless she was heavily sedated on some hardcore drugs. Either way I would totally do that to my wife for lulz. If I get married we are going to be humping each other day and fucking night.

    • She got pregnant because of that and didn't know how, since they hadn't had sex in three months. So, imagine her shock when she found out how that happened.

    • Well that is unfortunate if she had a kid like that and didn't want to. I guess that could change the circumstances.. either way.. it's his wife brah

    • It's your wife but you don't own her so you can't treat her like that unless you talked about doing those this before hand.

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  • Due to the subjective situation it then depends on intent and dynamic of the two. But this guy is acting all creepy and shit. What's the wife's opinion on this? Did she see it as rape?

    • Well, being as that she become pregnant from it and was shocked since they hadn't had sex in three months, she felt violated by it.

    • Well that's an extreme point and it's an obvious one. Its abnormal, creepy actions, lets not lose sight here. He creepily sexed his wife while she was sleeping and got her pregnant. Yea Id feel violated too. But it does fall back on intent and dynamic. Because a lot of people probably have woken up to sex and just went with it. Whateves, I never really hear complaints about that. But this was different and it depends on her point of view of him. Does she see something unusual, is it something she'd expect from him... or is this completely a behaviour thats out of the blue...

    • @loveisbeautiful if she didn't had sex with him for three months, he could had divorce her instead, so I guess the real reason that he did it, is because she was drying him.

  • No consent then it's rape by definition.

  • In my opinion this is shades of gray area. My ex would not have cared, and would have most likely actually enjoyed it. She woke me up with her mouth on more than an occasion. That's how a healthy relationship goes. If the relationship was troubled and he felt he wasn't getting sex enough so he would take it when she was asleep, then it's rape.

  • No it's fine.

  • If they have never said it's ok, I guess technically it is

    If they've said it's on then no

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