Boyfriend went to a brothel, how do I trust him again?

I have been with my boyfriend for nine months and I love him, but I recently found out in July he got drunk and with some encouragement from his friend saying it was emotionless and it wasn't cheating but he did cheat. i feel really destroyed by this but decided to give him a chance, as he told me around three weeks later mainly because I knew something was wrong plus he was concerned about stds even tho he wore a condom. He has been checked and he's fine, so we are both clean. He has done this once but I did find he looked on different websites after this happen so I asked him was he tempted and he said no, just curious which doesn't ease me. our relationship when this happened was great, we booked a holiday a week before this happened and talked about buying a house, sex life was great and we had no arguments. He said it was a stupid drunk mistake but I did tell him if he does this again then we are over for good as I already overlooked the fact he did the same thing before we was official (but as we wasn't officially dating I overlook it). i thought I would forget and move on quickly because I'm not the nasty type but for some reason this has really destroyed me, I don't want to leave him. I really want us to work. So I'm just wondering has anyone been through the same thing? I don't want comments saying I should leave him. Right now I'm a emotional mess because this has completely blind sighted. If anyone boyfriend or girlfriend had a one night stand how did u get over?
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Most Helpful Girls

  • welcome to my world! i was with my partner for 4 years when i found out he went to a brothel! i get your pain! my boyfriend had gotten me pregnant too so it was an extra sting, but none the less it f**kn HURTS. its been almost 9 months since i found out and i still struggle to move on from it, its probably the hardest thing you will ever face.
    most people will say its easier to deal with because he paid for it and there wasn't an emotional connection... i see it differently... if there was no emotional connection then why was it worth loosing someone they claim to care about? he didn't even know the girl so there was no attraction before walking in there and picking her out like a piece of meat. at least if there was an emotional connection he would have reason to feel attracted to another person?
    ultimately its going to come down to you as a person, how forgiving you are and if you honestly believe you can fully trust him again..
    personally i still get mad about it, still cry about it, and haven't healed from it..
    cheating is a horrible thing to do to someone.. it rips people apart.
    how did you find out about it? did he lie? has he been trying to make you feel better about the situation or just tried to pretend it never happened?
    i really feel for you! but you need to know that you deserve better than to be treated like s**t from someone you have completely given yourself to.

  • As an ex working girl, I can tell you the punters usually frequent the places, some more often than others, as they can have string free, Sex with a hot girl of their choice! The men see it as stress relief and guilt free cheating as it's not emotional but many do get attached to certain girls/women.

    If it has happened twice I would be worried as he obviously liked it and has a taste for it, and there's always new girls popping up on the scene daily. Once you know your man does this you can't unknow it and most are decent family men/boyfriends who you would never guess and it is way harder to prove than a normal affair as they can be in and out in 20 minutes/half an hour.
    They only way you would notice is financially and decrease or even increase in sexual it has you and wanting to try random new things!

    I'd dump him before you get an std as u don't know which girls he's seeing and if he is using protection and even if he is and getting a blow jobs there are oral stds and cancers that can be passed on!

  • Well, not exactly the same thing... my guy has this friend, who's a friend of mine too, who really likes titty bars and stuff. So sometimes they go out together, get really drunk, and end up at a titty bar... He'll tell me he went there (like your guy told you - that kind of honesty is important!). I don't even bother asking him what they get up to, coz I know he loves the crap out of me most of all.
    Oh yeah, and a million years ago, he apparently got with his ex at a party - maybe they were just kissing, I don't know, it doesn't matter anymore at all. He makes me feel special every day of my life, no way I'm giving that up!
    We're all human and make dumb mistakes.
    The betrayal is so raw right now... maybe give it a few weeks, see how you feel then... it could all work out fine if that's what you both want

  • If your partner respects you as a human being and values your relationship, they wouldn't even be putting themselves in the position to cheat. Let alone actually do it. Your boyfriend has NO respect for you and I promise you, it will happen again. Maybe not now, maybe in 10 years time or 5 or less. But once someone has the evilness inside of them to cheat, they will find it again in some form. His respect for you is lost.

    The only way you can make it work, is if you forget about it and make the decision to forgive him. There's no magic words or actions that will suddenly make it disappear or suddenly changes anything. It's on you to deal with it if you choose to take back a guy who blatantly can't love you that much if he was willing to do it

Most Helpful Guys

  • So basicly he has done this twice? Break up with him. If he did it when you "weren't official" and then it happened again as a "drunk mistake" then its going to happen again. Its not a one night stand its cheating plain and simple and he has already done it before and gone to websites according to you so clearly he is tempted to do it again because that sounds like its his plan. Break up with him and find some one who not only is trust worthy because from the sounds of it if you stick with this guy not only is he going to cheat on you again but also give you some kind of STD as well. So for your emotional well being and your physical health break up with him and find some one who is trustworthy and loyal.

    • But surely because we wasn't official the first time don't count anyway.

    • What constitutes official? And even if you pretend that didn't happen he did it again and that one no matter what you say is cheating so you still have that problem. And both times he made an excuse and both times you let him make those excuses you enabled it which tells him he can do it again and again and again and you will continue to make excuses for him cheating on you. This will end poorly and the best thing for you would be to break up with him. He cheated on you, cheated on you again and then started looking around online to see whom he was going to cheat on you next with. If that's what you want fine but that's not a healthy relationship and again its going to end poorly for you (him cheating on you and you getting an std if he is fond of going to brothels its going to happen eventually and not all STD's are minor issues).

  • i think this is hard to get over. for me it would be a combination of soliciting a prostitute and of course the cheating. also him not coming forward immediately but only after prompting should make you question whether or not you can trust him to be honest about making mistakes

    if you are going to stay with him you have to A. forgive him and B. find a way to restore your trust in him

    neither are easy things

    also since he was looking at sites offering similar services afterward has to make you wonder how much it was or will be a one time occurrence since clearly he has interest

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What Girls & Guys Said

8 14
  • I wonder why he really did it? I mean, he says that his friends encouraged him to do it and he was drunk but he managed to get an erection and have sex. You will have to go by his behaviour and let him prove to you that he wants the relationship to work.

  • I had mentioned this in another post, drinking or not the cheating HAS happened. Where's your self-respect and dignity? He did it while he was not in a r/s and then he did it while he was in a r/s... obviously the bond you guys have isn't strong enough for him to stop putting his dick into other chicks. After a deep and intimate betrayal like this, my question is why should YOU stay?

  • You can't, if he did this once he'll more than likely do it over and over again because he'll think you'll always forgive him and think that he can get away with it every time.

  • He destroyed your trust! He told you he wouldn't do it again and he did. Once it happens it will continue to happen most of the time and seeing as this is the second time, there will probably be a 3rd, a 4th, a 5th and so on. The second I found out the last two boyfriends were cheating on me, I dumped their ass and never spoke to them again.

  • Don't. He's done it once, he'll do it again.


  • Its called grieving. You grieve whenever you lose something. You lost your good beliefs about him. You lost what you thought you knew about his sexuality choices and values. You have been betrayed. And getting through the grieving process is just that. A process. Takes time. Google 'grieving'. Good Luck.

  • Well you could do one of the following...

    1. Turn a blind eye, forgive and forget
    2. Stay with him and be suspicions, watch him like a mother and use it against him when ever you feel like it.
    3. Go out and hook up with a guy you've been interested in and tell him "we're even".

    I personally wouldn't trust them any more and would leave them... probably by hooking up with her sister or BFF... so it would hurt more.

  • The deed has been done - at this point you will probably never trust him again - that is typically impossible in these scenarios. Either you live with it, or you move on from that cheating shit.

  • I wouldn't be able to get over something like this. Nope

  • You don't.

  • Any girl having such a problem will definitely feel disappointed. Her boyfriend has a habit of going wayward. I think she should sit with him an tell him what she expects from the relationship. i think he will understand the situation and cooperate.

  • Skip the months of internal turmoil and just dump him. Move on. Get over it. Find someone else.

  • 1. He cheats.

    2. He even downplays it instead of admitting his mistake.

    This means he feels no guilt about it. The only guilt he feels is that he got caught. Break up and move on is your best bet.

  • You don't unless he gives you reason to trust him again

  • this will turn out very sour and bitter. I can reek it from here.

  • If someone made an agreed commitment then broke it... How can you trust them? They are not a loyal person.

  • I wish there where brothels where lived

  • i think the brothel was a place to run away with a boring sex life with u
    u thought the sex was great maybe he didn't think that too
    anyway at least he was honest either u move on with him or without him

  • how do I trust him again?
    you dont. dump him, he's not marriage material

  • become friends with the prostitute?

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