My boyfriend doesn't want to have sex with me and would rather watch porn. Why?

[Ck167]

Let me start by saying that in all other aspects our 6 month relationship is great. We kiss, hug and show affection all the time and is very open about how he loves me and tells me I am beautiful.

When it comes to sex though, after the first couple of months it really started to dwindle. We used to have it daily and now it's down to 1-2 times per week. He initiates it but I feel that he just thinks he has to, to keep me happy.

He used to give me oral and spend time on foreplay but now when we do it, it's just sex and that's it. If he finishes and I have yet to have an orgasm, he won't make any further attempt to 'finish me off'. He also doesn't like me giving him oral or handjobs.

A few times I've tried to initiate sex by touching his penis over his clothes and he has moved my hand away. I no longer try to initiate sex at all. It is always him but only twice per week at most, on a Wednesday and Saturday as if he had scheduled the bare minimum to try and keep me happy.

I got upset one night and asked him about it and he said he just doesn't have a high sex drive and it's not about me. He has health issues which regularly gives him an upset stomach and he said this can affect his sex drive.

I check his phone regularly and he looks at porn and probably masturbates nearly every day. He also googled yesterday "I don't want to have sex with my girlfriend" and "I would rather masturbate than have sex". I can't tell you how that made me feel inside.

Do I ask him about it or be patient and accept that this is how our sex life will be? I feel that if I initiate it, then it will just be even more of a turn off for him.

I just want to know what's going on in his mind. Is it the lack of thrill now that we are in a serious relationship or is it that he just finds me less attractive or sexy than before.

I've never felt the way I do about him and there are too many other good things in our relationship to keep me from leaving.

[Aguywithanswers]

Hey there. So, that sucks. Sorry you’re dealing with that. I can imagine that it’s really frustrating and hurtful. It sounds like he has fallen into a common problem for a lot of modern men. It might be that he was single a lot over the years, or didn’t have a lot of opportunities for actual sex for whatever reason, and became accustomed to porn instead in order to satisfy that drive. Whatever the reason, his brain now associates porn with satisfying that drive and generating excitement, more so than it does with real sex. Porn is very sensationalized in its depictions of sex acts too, so he’s not getting the same dopamine boost from actual sex. It’s completely likely that he does love you, and doesn’t intend to hurt you, but the impact is definitely important as well. The obvious answer is for him to work on addressing that addiction. You can be supportive of that and make a good outcome more likely by trying to remain patient and compassionate with him rather than submitting to emotionally-charged reactions that come from a place of hurt. Watching porn is not wrong, and it’s not abusive. All of that being said, it also sounds like it’s coming from a place of insecurity for you, because I would be remiss if I didn’t let you know that it’s never ever okay to check your partner’s phone, no matter what you suspect. Unfortunately you have been digitally abusive by way of a pattern of violating those healthy boundaries in the name of control. Even if you’ve agreed that it’s okay, it’s still considered abusive and unhealthy. Trusting your partner is the foundation of a healthy relationship. That means believing in your partner without resorting to controlling tactics. A lot of people think sharing phone access will promote trust and accountability. However, as an inherently mistrustful act, It can’t magically generate trust. If you don’t trust your partner, and talking about it in a healthy way doesn’t help, then you always have a right to exit any relationship at any time and for any reason. But going through his phone, whether he has cheated before, or you’ve been cheated on before (most of us have at some point), it’s just never going to be a healthy or sustainable way to navigate those concerns or a relationship. I am a former advocate for domestic violence survivors (I am an LMSW — Licensed Master of Social Work). Just want you to have a healthy and happy relationship, either with your boyfriend, or a partner who better meets your physical, sexual, and emotional needs. I’d say, talk to him about what you feel, what you want to see happen, and try to do so in a way that won’t cause defensiveness or shame, and see what happens. If it doesn’t work out, that’s okay. Hope this helps!

[Aguywithanswers]

Just wanted to add that if it doesn’t work out, that’s not a reflection on you or your desirability. It’s a legitimate addiction and all things being the same, if it wasn’t for the addiction clouding his decisions, you’d likely have a stronger sex life together. Ask him what you can do to be supportive, and if he wants to change in the first place. Don’t make threats or give ultimatums, as that can be emotionally abusive. No healthy way to control what another person does. Those kinds of approaches will only lead to resentment and resistance to change and ultimately, the likely implosion of the relationship.

[burlen]

It seems your boyfriend's brain has been hacked by years of masturbation to porn. His behaviour towards a woman evidences the consequences of excessive porn watching.

He really needs to acknowledge the problem before working on a recovery programme. He will need to abstain from masturbation and porn watching for at least 3 to 6 months to reset the neurological pathways in the brain.

Right now his brain has a dysfunctional understanding of female beauty and sexual attraction. Right now you cannot match the images of the porn girls stored in his brain. The problem is not you but him.

You must confront him bluntly with your concern. It seems he is puzzled by his low sexual desire for you. He prefers digital porn stars than the real deal (you). You may explore these websites for additional help:
www.reddit.com/r/nofap
www.reddit.com/r/pornfree

[NyomiMcClinton]

Sounds like he is just losing interest in you sexually. I would not try to stress over this, I think that its something that he should of bought to your attention. This can cause him to cheat and you will be even more devastated. Its good that you are now finding this out before things take a drastic turn, I dont think you all will be together for long.

[genericname85]

i´d just break up with them. i mean you can try to figure out why it is that he doesn´t want to but if it can´t be fixed, it´s not worth staying with them in my opinion.

[SteamBuns]

I know, His brain is addicted to the grip strength of his hands, No vagina can grip a dick as hard as his hands so Therefore, He need to NOT masturbate for like a week or two N get his self together So he can enjoy sex afterwards, Try to help him to resist masturbation

[SteamBuns]

HE IS NOT LOSING INTEREST IN YOU!!!

[LastNightmare]

he's lazy and want more excitement. I have got same problem and then My partner came up with an awesome idea. now I do a lot

[MrExtremely2Kinky]

Gotta talk to him... maybe something in the porn he wishes you would do... just talk to him about it.. maybe even watch porn together n masturbste together... that can lead to good sex.

[MEDINHO]

Variety

[Anonymous]

why the fuck I don't have any girlfriend, I would fuck her all the time... I don't watch porn nothing but no girls seem to talk to me. I go everyday and fuck hookers, lucky me daddy got money. <3 you daddy

[Anonymous]

He isn't your boyfriend if you do not have sex.

[Anonymous]

he is addicted