I wish to adopt a more masculine and dominant mindset, particularly when it comes to women. But is it necessary to mentally dehumanize women to do it?

[Anonymous]

Hey, sorry about the length.

I'd just like to clear up that I'm NOT talking about an official BDSM agreement. I'm talking about a simple, passionate, fiery relationship where she is my little girl.

We good there?
Yes?
Epic.

There has always been something that's bothered me though about being more dominant with women. In almost every instance of a girl talking about her man being dominant with her.. the way she describes it makes it sound like he's dehumanizing her. Like, not caring what she thinks or how she feels as long as he gets his way.

Granted, most of the time it doesn't cross into rape territory, but it's still enough to make me wonder just how much the guy values himself over the girl, or if he even sees the girl as a truly living breathing human at all.

This question was made all the more prevalent in my mind by an experience I had recently. I was talking to this girl I was very attracted to (who I knew liked me) and decided I'd go to her place. Almost as soon as I got there, I immediately started doing things that I knew turned her on and things heated up.

The thing about that was, I was suppressing a good amount of my empathy when I was doing that. I wasn't even considering the possibility that she wouldn't want to do anything. Hell, when I first approached her at her house, she tried making some conversation with me when I interrupted by massaging her body in a way I knew she liked. That night, I was thinking almost exactly like I imagined the more dominant guys I hear about thinking.

I don't know. I want to be more dominant but something about the prospect of thinking of my girl as owning her, as my plaything (almost, not quite but still), really doesn't sit right with me.

No doubt this is the result of my extreme Liberal "the woman is always in charge" upbringing. So I ask you to please snap me out of it.

Maybe I'm mistaking my own masculine energy as some kind of evil? I'm clueless.

[Anonymous]

I didn't vote, I think there's truth in both.

I think that you shouldn't feel bad for recognizing what will make someone truly happy and satisfied, which is not necessarily what pleases them most in the moment. On the other hand you should be aware of where they are mentally, how they are handling it, if they are consenting and with you, etc.

I think you will find a lot of situations where you may have to mentally believe you know what's best, but that -doesn't- mean you're doing things without her consent. You are leading her not forcing her, and if she doesnt' follow, then she's not the right girl for you.

It's not dehumanizing, but it can be a bit infantilizing, in that in some ways you need to sometimes treat women like children. You know what's best, but it's not like you don't care about their thoughts and feelings. You are very sensitive to what they need to be happy, and guide/lead them there.

[Asker]

That's exactly how I saw her at that moment, like a child who needed to be "taken care of," so to speak. Thanks for helping me organize my thoughts on this.

[Opinion Owner]

Oh, I read your exchange with austinman. A couple thoughts that maybe will help a little? To a large extent being a dominant non rapist means that you run things, you take what you want and you also make sure she gets what she needs, if you're caring about her. Note that what she needs is in this sort of relationship not, primarily, to receive equal pleasure to you. You might want to make her cum sometimes. Rather you recognize not only your own needs, but that she feels a psychological need to be submissive to you. So you're not an out of control animal. You're in fact the seat of power, recognizing in the relationship that you have a need to, whatever, fuck her, be rough, treat her like prey, and she also has that need. But there's also a need to not break her, push her too far. And you take all those needs into consideration. Things like safe words are to help you calibrate your decisions...

[Asker]

I like it. The only thing I don't understand is: "Note that what she needs is in this sort of relationship not, primarily, to receive equal pleasure to you. You might want to make her cum sometimes." Maybe it's just in how you worded it, but I'm not sure what you mean. For the most part, I'm the one who prefers to do most of the pleasuring. I've gotten some conflicting views on that. Some people say that you can't be dom if you do the pleasuring because you're aiming to please or something like that, whereas others say being dom and being the one who does the most pleasuring aren't mutually exclusive.

[Opinion Owner]

I think the Dom is more about who is steering. And there may be an overt focus on doing -apparently- what the dom wants. Some of this depends on the particular sub. Some guys seem very fixated on exactly what they want to do. I have some things I definitely want. But others i'm flexible based on her reactions, kinks, etc. I could dominate a pose able doll but that wouldn't excite me - her mental response is so critical to me. I'd worry less about wording and more understand what you like and want and then think about finding a partner who likes that, whatever it is. Sometimes you stumble on things, what appeals most to me is -sort of- in the daddy-dom space, in the sense I like to mix tender with rough and want affection outside of sex, and don't want to treat the person like an object or slave, but I do want to be hard on them sometimes. If you like to be in control and make her cum helplessly a lot, there are girls who'd go nuts for that.

[Asker]

Thanks. I understand now.

[AustinMan]

Wow!! You're going through almost identically what I went through in my late 20s. This is going to be a longish conversation but I think I can shed some light on the situation.

First a question: have you ever heard the expression she's a lady in the street and a freak in the sheets?

[Asker]

Okay, thanks! I'm at work so I won't be able to reply often, just a heads up. To answer your question, yes I have.

[AustinMan]

Good. Maybe you can access the site after work so we can move this along. I'm no social scientist but I have found a few things to be true in my encounter with over three dozen women. Women are raised, largely subconsciously, to be submissive sexually. Submitting doesn't mean they give up their value or dignity. It's really just the opposite so don't dwell on them feeling lesser. How much do you know about sexual power exchange?

[Asker]

I understand the basics of the concept, but that's about it. I don't really like the idea of it. Mostly because it feels patronizing. I've had a power exchange thing offered to me before and it really turned me off. If there needs to be an official exchange of power, do I really have true power anyway? That's my view.

[AustinMan]

Whoa there, cowboy!! Let's take a step back. I firmly believe in the inherent value and dignity of each individual. I'm a free man but I engage in renting my behavior for money. It's called employment. It doesn't detract from my value. It's an exchange I agree to. Right? The same is true in sexual power exchange. It seems to me that you are operating under the false assumption that the woman gets nothing from the exchange by agreeing to submitting to you. Am I correct?

[Asker]

Not correct. I know what she gets out of it. What I'm operating under is that it's an act. It's staged.

[AustinMan]

It's staged the same way it's staged when you go to work, how you closed on your house, how you got your degree. The only thing that's necessarily staged is the agreement between the parties and I don't see that as "staging." Negotiating around sex doesn't take away from it. In fact, in my experience it dramatically enhances it. Does that make sense?

[Asker]

It makes some sense, yes. Perhaps I don't understand what she gets out of the agreement as well as I originally thought. All this time I thought the power exchange was what happened when they want to play those roles but one or both parties don't have the skill to do so without making an agreement around it.

[AustinMan]

If you're going to dominate sexually, you need a minimum of two things: informed consent and a safe word. Once you have those, it's game on. However, if you want to get exactly what you want and it's a bit outside the mainstream, as mine very surely are, then a conversation works wonders. It clarifies what's going to happen and what's not. It's very titillating and serves as a warm up to the real thing. Tell me: you say you want to adopt a more masculine and dominant role, if you'll pardon my paraphrase. What does that mean to you? Better yet, tell me a fantasy that you'd like to live out. Darker, kinkier and nastier is better.

[Asker]

I can't pardon that paraphrase, I'm afraid. I don't want to take a "role." A role is just that, a role. An act. I want to BE dom, not simply ACT dom. Like I said, a girl I knew offered to be my sub and it turned me off severely. That's why I hate the idea of "informed consent," and deep conversations. Where's the spontaneity? Where's the pleasure of seeing that "I didn't expect this at all but I love it" reaction from her? Down the toilet, that's where it is. It's also why the idea of safe words annoy me. Having a safe word means the dominance is simply an illusion. What's the point of enjoying the supposed "loss of control" if she still has the control? Feel free to correct me on both of those things if you feel the need. I know that makes me sound like a huge rapist, but the entire way that BDSM is set up almost seems as if it was intentionally designed to make me cringe.

[AustinMan]

I'm beginning to understand your dilemma more clearly. You just want to meet a girl and have your way with her, regardless of what she wants. It's no wonder you're concerned with her losing her value. We all play roles in all parts of our lives. Why does sex have to be so different?

[Asker]

That doesn't make too much sense to me. If I wanted to have my way regardless of what she wanted, why would I be concerned about her value? The thing is that, in order to sexually dominate, I have to lower her value in my head. On one hand, it's really hot to see her in a state of submission. On the other hand, I feel guilty that I need to devalue her in order to bring out my dominant side.

[AustinMan]

Okay. I think I may, hopefully, understand what you're asking. If you want to dominate a woman sexually and she wants you to, can you do that, within reason, without seeing her as devalued because she certainly doesn't feel devalued? To the contrary, she sees her sexual submission as a benefit, a positive element of sex.

[Asker]

I can, but I'd be less aggressive. Meaning I'd over think what I'm doing.. I'd over think her reactions (is she 100% comfortable, is she not).. I'd be a tiny bit paranoid about her boundaries.. things like that. It inhibits my performance.

[AustinMan]

To my way of thinking, you're gonna have to get past that negotiating somehow reduces the fun. Talk to her away from the sex. Then go in there and tear her up. She'll love it.

[AustinMan]

Or let's put the shoe on the other foot. She cums, er I mean comes to you and tells you a bit shyly that she really needs you to go all cave man on her--turn loose that animal in every man and give it to her like you stole her. How would you react?

[Asker]

I'd be a little pissed at myself for not knowing that's what she wanted, but I'd agree to do it later.

[AustinMan]

Why would you be pissed? We are NOT mind readers. We have to communicate overtly, usually by speaking. Are you less of a man because you don't have a super power?

[Asker]

I feel like I should be able to.

[AustinMan]

Well you're wrong and making a mistake trying to read a woman's mind may well be disastrous. Accept that you're human and get with the program.

[Asker]

Okay

[Asker]

No hurt feelings, right? You helped me understand it a lot as well and I appreciate it. Thank you.

[AustinMan]

It's my pleasure. Feel free to message me or reply here. I finally concluded that my "real life" persona (head usher at a large church, perfect gentleman) was not at odds with my sexual persona (S&M, spanko, lots of pain). They are independent. We can be a different person sexually.

[Popcorn3]

I think that a lot of girls out there get turned on and appreciate a guy that shows certain levels of dominance. I think that, if you are not certain if that is okay or not, simply ask her if she likes what you are doing and while you're at it if she says stop or that you are being too harsh then you must listen to her wishes and talk about what she likes and dislikes etc. Don't be shy and just be direct, talk to her and it will all work out.

[msfuntastic]

Actually I really like it when he is aggressive and treats me like his plaything. Bering thrown, yanked by the hair, demanded to do whatever he wants. Huge turn-on. It's not just him having control, but having authority. Basically, like he is the master and I'm the servant. That's how I like it... and I like when he unleashes his dark side on me, being just a little unnerved about what that side is like and what he'll do.

[Anonymous]

I'm really attracted to masculinity and I love when a man takes charge it turns me on I don't see anything wrong with that as long as it wasn't rape it's kl.

[NJ_Casanova]

If you're not raised/born like that it is difficult to do. You almost have to not care about/act selfish toward the girl to act like that if you normally don't.

Sometimes I almost have to get angry to get in a Dominant mindset with some girls. Normally I get more aggressive/dominant if the girls is a tease/likes to play and rile me up.

[HungLikeAHorsefly]

Once you start being more dominant, you may find that most women like dominant men and that being that way is actually a lot easier and more fun than not, for both people in the relationship.

[Asker]

So basically the more you do, the more you are?

[HungLikeAHorsefly]

Yeah, something like that. I mean, there's a fine line between being dominant and being domineering, but once you figure out the difference, you're gold.

[Asker]

Thanks a lot. Guess practice makes perfect.

[DaddiesLittleToy]

It's all about your thought patterns/perception. Change your mind you change yourself.

[Anonymous]

You can't really adopt a masculine mind set. It comes more naturally. Either you have it or you don't. If you truly have that type of mind set - You will "never" question it.