My Boyfriend Lied About Being A Virgin?

[Anonymous]

I'm a 20 year old girl and I have a 25 year old boyfriend, we dated for 4 months. We love each other so much. We had sex for the first time last month, I lost my Virginity to him. I knew he had sex with 6 girls before me, he's even had stories and names for each women. Eventually I found out he lied and I was the first girl he had sex with. I saw photos and videos of him as a pastor preaching in a church on Facebook, I didn't even know he used to be a pastor so I questioned him.

The truth is this.
His church was a Very Traditional Hispanic Church, with 1 Head Pastor and 3 Youth Pastors. Youth Pastors worked with Kids and teens. He was one of the Youth Pastors from the age of 19-24. He only had 1 girlfriend for 5 years. They never had sex since 'sex before marriage' is a sin in his religion, so they were waiting until marriage. Around the age of 23 he started question his religion, by the age of 24 he lost his faith and left the church. Around this same time him and his girlfriend broke up since their views weren't compatible anymore. He spent a lot of time "Soul Searching". Eventually he became an Atheist. He currently goes to college where he eventually he met me. When I asked him why did he lie about his virginity he told me it's because he's seen many situations where people make fun of virgins, especially older male virgins, that he's even had people make fun of him when he was a virgin pastor waiting until marriage.

He even brought up how one day a while back he hypothetically asked me "What do you think of people who are virgins till the age of 25" and I told him "It's a bit weird" and my response scared him. I just meant weird as in it's odd and not something I see everyday, I had no idea he was talking about himself back then, I didn't mean it that way.

On some level I feel hurt he lied to me, On some level it would have been nice to know that my first time was also his first time. But on another hand I also understand him.

What would you do in my shoes? How would you feel?

[btbc92]

As a Christian who believes in saving sex for marriage: GET OUT OF THERE!

He is a wolf in sheep's clothing. I'm 25 and is still a virgin. Is celibate and never dated. He has a serious problem. A person who loves you would never have to lie to you. Especially about that! Who knows how true it is with all of those stories. That means he used you for sex and the experience alone because he wasn't happy with himself. He doesn't love himself, and sadly this is going to cause problems down the road. You lost your virginity to a liar. Let me tell you, my friend did this before and all it will turn into is lies, lies on top of other lies. You may not see it now, but I see it already. I cannot tell you what to do, but you would have done better to wait till marriage to have sex. Premarital sex is selfishness. He didn't think about you. He thought about himself. And he will never admit that unless it's to win your sympathy so you'll stay.

[Asker]

I don't believe in god either wtf are you talking about?

[btbc92]

This has nothing to do with believing in God or not. I'm talking about the lying. And the consequences of it. He had no excuse to lie the way he did and as I said, who knows what else he's going to lie about next. If you want to deal with that, then it's on you. That is not something petty to lie about at all. At the end of the day, you will have to be responsible for now knowing this.

[TyroneTerminator2229]

@btbc92 #1 - "A person who loves you would never have to lie to you" Not true, that's a fallacy, you can still love someone and lie to them. You shouldn't lie to someone you love but it's ignorant to say it's impossible to love and lie to someone at the same time. #2 - "That means he used you for sex and the experience alone because he wasn't happy with himself. He doesn't love himself, and sadly this is going to cause problems down the road" No it doesn't, again fallacious argument. Just because he lied about his virginity doesn't mean he's using her for sex. He could just truly care about her but was simply scared to be honest, life doesn't work in cliches. Also lying doesn't mean someone doesn't love themselves. And lying about 1 thing doesn't mean they are going to lie about many things down the road, you keep equating things on fallacious reasoning. #3 "Premerital sex is selfishness" Ummmm no it isn't. It's not selfish to have sex before marriage, but it's also not selfish t

[TyroneTerminator2229]

#4 "He didn't think about you. He thought about himself. And he will never admit that unless it's to win your sympathy so you'll stay" Again fallacious argument. He could have been thinking about her. Or he could have been thinking about himself and her. You keep using false dichotomies and fallacies. #5 "He will never admit that unless it's to win your sympathy so you'll stay" You are using strawman fallacious, and false dichotomies and cliches against him. You do realize that human beings are a bit more complicated than false dichotomies and cliches right? He could just simply feel guilty of lying, and truly feel bad, you can't tell what's going on inside him. You don't know how he's been treated for being Christian and a virgin. GTFO Your whole response is based on false assumptions, cliches, strawman , false dichotomies and fallacious in general. And he wouldn't even be in that situation if it wasn't for your stupid religion in the first place that guilt trips people

[btbc92]

@TyroneTerminator2229 If you have to lie, it doesn't mean love. Period. Nobody says it's impossible. Never have I said this. Honesty is better than to lie about and wait till it's all done for you to say something. It's dangerous. A person who loves themselves doesn't have to lie about themselves to feel accepted. The person either does or doesn't. I understand fully well what premarital sex is. And what I said is the truth. It is selfishness. If it weren't selfishness, it wouldn't have happened the way it did. Even if they made that choice, the lying wouldn't have happened. Being scared has nothing to do with it. You play around with sex nor lie in that way. And after reading the situation that was given lets me know where the problem is. Again, this is not my relationship. But she asked what would we would do. And I suggested that she get out. As I said before. I've witness a similar situation, and nothing good comes out of it. Sorry. But I'm respectfully sticking to my opinion.

[TyroneTerminator2229]

I'm not saying lying is right. He shouldn't have lied and been honest from the start, and he should never do it again. But that doesn't mean he's a bad person or that every other good quality about him is useless now. If you actually analyze his reasonings, it's pretty understandable, especially when you consider how he's been treated. You wanna treat him as a potential bad boyfriend because he lied. Well your religion never excuses lying but the world doesn't work that way. SO according to your religion those who hid jews during the holocaust and lied about hiding jews were wrong for lying. LOL again GTFO As for this guy, I will say he was wrong, because they actually had a commitment, a relationship but he shouldn't have lied, it was wrong but it's understandable. Not everything is black and white in this world, and the world doesn't work with cliches and false dichotomies.

[btbc92]

don't play around*

[TyroneTerminator2229]

"If you have to lie, it doesn't mean love. Period. Nobody says it's impossible. Never have I said this" You literally just said that in the first few sentences. You literally said "If you lie it doesn't mean love" as if it's impossible to love someone you lie to. You are ignorant. People lie for many reasons, not just for evil selfish reasons. But your bible says all lying is bad. So even lying to a kid about santa or the tooth fairy is considered a lie according to your bible. You keep using false dichotomies, and also anecdotal reasoning isn't a fact. There's nothing wrong with you wanting to wait until marriage, it's your body and your rules who you lose it to and I hope your happy with your partner, but what you are claiming is just ignorant and false. First of all we don't know this guy, so obviously we are guessing only based on whats written but the world doesn't work in the way you paint it

[TyroneTerminator2229]

"A person who loves themselves doesn't have to lie about themselves to feel accepted" Not true, that's literally not true, that's a false dichotomy. If I am in the middle east guess what, I'm going to lie about being an atheist, because I don't want to be punished, It doesn't mean I don't love myself, it just means I'm doing the best that I can to survive in the world I live in. Same way a person in school might lie and say his dad is a police so other students don't bully him. And in his case, many people in his shoes would lie to survive a very judgmental world that will ridicule him for being a virgin waiting because of his faith. But he shouldn't have lied to his partner since he at least has an obligation to be honest with her because that's what a relationship is. He doesn't have an obligation to strangers or the world that judges him. Again it's wrong what he did, but that doesn't mean he's a bad person or bad potential boyfriend or that he will keep lying in the future

[TyroneTerminator2229]

I take back the part about calling your religion stupid, I feel that part was too aggressive, I'm sorry but I still stick by everything else I said about your reasoning being based on Strawman, False dichotomies, cliches and fallacies. And that you are painting morality and human behavior with a black and white brush when in fact it's very much more complicated with that.

[btbc92]

@TyroneTerminator2229 There is no gray area. We're the ones who make things complicated. If we keep thinking that it's grey, the more problems will occur. Even in the middle east, what you described in selfishness for your own life, not the fact that you love yourself. I have not said that he was a bad person overall. Just that he being a wolf in sheep's clothing. Even a good person can be so. Either way, it becomes a habit. He has a problem with self. And that can strain the relationship.

[TyroneTerminator2229]

WTF is wrong with you? Are you that ignorant? Somehow lying to protect my life is a selfish or bad thing? If you and I were in the middle east and ISIS asked me "Hey is @btbc92 a muslims" and I know they would kill you, I would lie and say "Yes she is a Muslims" So actually not waiting you to die is selfish? I'm selfish because I'm willing to lie to ISIS so they don't kill you? Again GTFO And there are grey areas, ok, the world doesn't work in the way the bible tells us. Phycology and science show us there are many grey areas. "Either way, it becomes a habit" again false dichotomy, just because someone does something, it doesn't necessarily mean it's going to become a habit. Can you please stop using fallacies? "He has a problem with self. And that can strain the relationship" Again false dichotomy, and strawman fallacy.

[TyroneTerminator2229]

Dude, just stop. And wtf is this wolf in sheep's clothing, that doesn't apply here, the bible talks about false prophets and teachers in that verse in Matthew who are looking to harm and destroy. Someone who lies because they are scared because they have been bullied by society is not even the same thing. WTF is your problem? I think you drink too much of that kool-aid. The world doesn't work in the way your bible makes it out to be. It's clear you keep basing things on churches, biblical teachings, and black and white thinking, your arguments rely on nothing but fallacies, straw man arguments, false dichotomies and just fallacious reasoning all together. I'm sorry to say but seriously, the world and human beings don't work that way, if you think they do you have to study human phycology. Human beings aren't black and white beings when it comes to thinking.

[btbc92]

Look I'm just going to say it like this. Your entitled to your opinion and I'm entitled to mine. I clearly said this has nothing to do what is going on in the middle east and strictly spoke about this situation. You are going back and forth about what I believe in vs what I see. It doesn't matter at this point what they decide to do. It makes no sense to ask question of the Asker was okay with being lied too. You even said so yourself. All I know it will be with a lot of consequences. Only time will tell with how it is now. I look at the problem as is. And no. I will not stop speaking about what I see as the problem because you asked me not to say what I see is the truth is about the matter. But I will end the decusion as it's getting nether of us anywhere.

[TyroneTerminator2229]

"All I know it will be with a lot of consequences" Fallacy with no evidence. And you stawman a lot lol. Sorry but the world doesn't work that way. Some things aren't just opinion but fact. I can't just say "grass is rainbow color" and call it an opinion. The things you say are wrong. Based on cliches. You presented your opinion as FACT when in reality the other way around is actually scientifically proven. Sorry but that's how it is, but sure we can stop arguing here. No point because in the end of the day, just like climate change deniers, and evolution deniers, you will treat your opinion as fact.

[TyroneTerminator2229]

Have a good day

[Asker]

@TyroneTerminator2229 I agree with you, she uses too many fallacies you're right. Besides who hasn't lied in a relationship, based on her logic all humans are wolves in sheep clothing but whatever, it's not like the bible is useful anyways

[tinyclit]

Six girls? My was that a whopper. As your relationship progresses you'd better be on the look out for more tall tales. See the related twilight zone episode "Hocus-Pocus and Frisby." :)

[Asker]

Ok sure I will. So what would you do if you were her? And is it forgivable? Is it understandable? Or do you blame him completely?

[Anonymous]

He lied. He is a hypocrit from what he's preaching. He's immoral by his own words. What more is there to say...

[Asker]

He's an atheist so he isn't preaching anymore, did you even read the whole story

[JunkBondTrader]

Hmm. Personally, I can also understand his lie. People do make fun of that a lot. It was a silly lie, and he shouldn't have done it that's for sure, it seemed to be based all on insecurity and obviously wasn't thinking that it could or might affect you in the future.

I think I would feel upset for very briefly, but would pretty much be forgiving and understandable. It's too bad you found out without him telling you. But maybe he would have eventually.

And I'm sure it would have been nice for you to know if was also his first time... But it's also kind of sweet, in a way, to think back knowing that it was =p aww.

I would let him know you're not going to put up with someone who isn't honest about who they are, and that in the future he shouldn't be afraid to be totally honest with you.

You've only been dating 4 months, so I feel like this is a forgive and move on situation. Best of luck to you both.

[Asker]

If you were a 25 year old virgins would you be scared to tell your partner, or would you lie or maybe just think about lying? Because I will admit society does have a double standard for female virgins vs male virgins. And especially if the virgin is an older person.

[Mynameisnottolong]

You found a good guy and he was a Virgin, so you traded Virginitys XD yes people do make fun of Virgin people as they get older still being a Virgin, its like everyone expects everyone to have sex its messed up. Girl you should be happy he chose to give you his most valuable item to you. Don't sweat the small stuff, dont make a mountain out of a molehill, now that you know about his story you can understand, he didn't know what youd say or think of him.

Fear is a powerful subject when you don't know something your imagination runs with it and it runs wild. Maybe he thought you would change your mind or make fun of him. I can understand how you feel as well. Look scold him and fuck him and keep him, he sounds like a good guy and let this tiny issue go. Go build a future with him he'll be very grateful to have someone like you at his side.

[Bandit74]

Well it's pretty common for both guys and girls to mock and belittle male virgins so it makes sense that he would want to lie. It's not like girls never lie about their sexual histories to avoid judgment.

[blutwolfe]

its true though, most girls won't even give you the time of day if you have less than 5 under your belt these days, usually girls are attracted to dudes with bigger numbers, can deny it but its true, especially in the college scene, so I don't blame him at all I understand him completely

[Anonymous]

Pretty understandable imho.

Too bad you couldn't have enjoyed (maybe?) knowing that was his first time.

[Asker]

I would have liked it to be honest. It would have been special to me, but i won't deny that girls in college are really judgmental with guys and there's a double standard with male virgins vs female virgins