I'm pretty sure my boyfriend is selfish in bed, how can I change this and why is he like this?

[TheKay]

So, first, I'd just like to say that I'm serious with the guy, I don't want to break up because of this.
So, we've been together 3 months and are having sex, his first time, but not mine. We normally have sex once every 3 days, though I make him cum about 5/day, I tease him, handjobs, blowjobs, footjobs & swallow, but he doesn't give anything back, for days at a time. Even when we have sex, I don't get foreplay (well he does, but I don't), and he doesn't worry about if I came or not and only practises 2 positions: me on top & doggy style, though I've mentioned that I love missionary. I get that with no experience it's hard, but still. We have literally never tried anything else.

He knows me though, he knows that my hotspots, so he'll touch me for like 5s and then do nothing and just wait for me to do the usual procedure: tease, blowjob, handjob, swallow. And that's it. I want sex just as much as him so why am I the only one pleasuring him?

When I had my period though, he was like "it's sad for you, because I can't even pleasure you or anything", yet as soon as I got off my period, he didn't do anything. He also said once "In a way, it's relieving when you have your period, because sex is so tiring, and I know I don't have to have sex, I can just go to bed". Something like that. He also sometimes complains, like if I tease for too long or something, he'll say "I'm getting bored", in a joking voice, but it's kind of offensive.
I don't initiate sex much, because I'm really bad with rejection (BPD). He said no once, because he was tired, so I never asked again.

So yeah, I'd rather not be teased and then just left frustrated as soon as he's done. I come super easily too so he doesn't even need to do much! I don't want to be passive aggressive (which is soooo me) and something needs to be done so a) what do you think? and b) how should I change the situation?

[AskAlthea]

He can get you off during your period, he can finger you, it's just blood, he can wash it off with soap and water after.

He does sound like a selfish lover. You really should talk to him about it. Perhaps he needs more direction, for example, 'I do like making you cum, but I'd also like to orgasm during sex and there are some things you can do that will help me orgasm. More/longer foreplay, I enjoy it when you give me oral and/or finger me. My (list erogenous zones) you can touch throughout sex, and give them some more attention, aka longer than 10 seconds. When I don't orgasm during sex, I get very sexually frustrated, imagine if I gave you oral, got you really close, and then stopped.' (and if he says that's not a problem, just start getting him horny and not finishing him off and meanwhile, invest in a good vibrator)

[TheKay]

Hahah thanks! I'm not interested in period sex anyway, I get frustrated, but I totally understand and I get grossed out a bit myself, but I've just started having periods after 3 years with a contraceptive implant. So maybe I just need to get used to it. But hey, periods are 1 week in A WHOLE MONTH, so no excuses for the rest of the time. I'll try to talk to him, I'm just shy D: I guess I just have to build up the courage, because otherwise it's going to be unbearable

[AskAlthea]

Haha, as long as you don't want to do anything on your period then it's all good. Yeah, it doesn't give him an excuse for the rest of the month. Perhaps, write out what you'd like to say to him and read it to him. It can help you get your thoughts in order, make it less scary since you already know what you're going to say, and you can read and edit it beforehand to ensure that the language used isn't accusatory.

[TheKay]

I could, but would it not be embarrassing? I don't want it to sound too rehearsed, I don't want it too look like I'm overthinking or whatever, I want it to sound natural (I have a problem with conversations that sound too prepared, I think it's an anxiety thing), maybe I should learn it? Or email it? Though it's cowardly, I am a coward :(

[AskAlthea]

Maybe have a note-card on just the major topics you want to address, that way you still have some structure, something to refer to if you get scared/nervous, but it's not all written out/rehearsed. If you're going to e-mail it to him, perhaps write it down and give it to him in person, wait for him to read it, and then talk about it after? Because if you e-mail it to him and there's a significant time between him reading it and talking to you, you might get nervous to ask to talk to him about the e-mail and you might worry yourself wondering what his reaction is.

[TheKay]

Yes you're right! Or maybe I could send it to him, whilst he's next to me ! I spend about 5 days a week at his house so that would be possible. But writing it all out should at least help me have some kind of structure, whether it's oral or written, thanks !

[AskAlthea]

You're welcome! Hope the conversation goes well! :)

[TheKay]

Thank you so much !

[kaylaS91]

There's nothing passive-aggressive about letting your partner know that you're not 100% happy with what they're doing, and suggesting things they could do that would work better for you.

So.. basically, just let him know. Tell him that sex is a two-way street and that you'd appreciate if he did certain things (specify exactly what and how, like for longer than he's currently doing) for you as well. Because otherwise, you don't enjoy sex all that much.

[TheKay]

Thanks ! What I meant by passive-aggressive was that I don't want to pass on the message in the wrong way, like the last time when he said he was bored because I was teasing him for too long, I said "you're the one saying that..." basically insinuating that he was the one teasing me and leaving me to just be bored. Then I started backtracking, because I knew that that wasn't the right way to proceed. Anyway, thanks again :)

[jayjay16]

tell him you aren't satisfied, sex is a two way street, take charge, and let him know what you want. if your his first, he might be a little shy and obviously not experienced. in his mind he is pleasuring you.

[TheKay]

I guess, but it's pretty obvious if he's not touching me at all D: Maybe he doesn't realise I have the same needs. Anyway, thanks :)

[jayjay16]

maybe he thinks the only way girls get off is through sex or he just doesn't know how to do it, you gotta teach these guys a thing or two 😉 some guys just don't get it!

[TheKay]

Omg tell me about it xD Or maybe he think that we just don't need it so often, since I know he isn't that educated ^^

[jayjay16]

guys have the mind set that girls don't want sex as much as they do when in fact, we usually want it a lot. when ever you want it, peruse it, if he doesn't want to, don't feel bad or rejected about it, he's just not use to it

[TheKay]

Yeah you're right :) He probably just doesn't have the right info ^^

[Anpu23]

I can think of a couple of ways
One don't get him off, until you get yours. Don't let him have sex, until you are wet enough etc. One lover used the term "wet as a ripe peach"
Another lover tied me to the bed and masturbated while sitting on my chest, in a "let me show you how this is done" sort of way.
I also was given a book about female pleasure with pretty explicit instructions (it was Chinese, called something like the Tao of Sex, or yhe Way of Sex or some such)
All three combined helped me get better in bed.

I've been with quite a few women and all probably improved my skills in some way, but those are the lessons that stick out in my mind.

[Kurodo]

shake him, SHAKE HIM UNTIL HE LOVES YOU RIGHT. seriously though he seems to not be trying very hard and just falls back to gee i must not be good even though you do feel it just that he isn't giving you enough. if you want to get what you need then you're gonna actually have to challenge him on this and not back down an inch because you deserve to feel good too.

[TheKay]

YES ! Thanks !

[Panda_Bree]

Try a girl! <3

[TheKay]

I have ^^ Didn't work out ^^

[Panda_Bree]

Aww, I'm sorry to hear that. Maybe try neglecting his sexual needs, see how he likes it?

[TheKay]

Guess it was for the best... Relationships don't always work out, that's life ! Maybe... Maybe I'll tell him that that's how I feel and it's not cool, perhaps he'll understand better.

[NJ_Casanova]

The only way to change him is to stop having sex until he does what you want. You have the power/control when it comes to sex.

Guys are only selfish in bed, because their women let them.

[TheKay]

Is that true? Maybe you're right. I just need to pluck up the courage to stop complying ^^

[NJ_Casanova]

I see a lot of girls on here that say their BFs don't go down on them. I ask... do you give him head? they say "All the time". I ask do you do it before them giving it to you... they say yes and I tell them that THEY are the problem. A guy, especially a selfish one... will do the least amount of work to get what he wants. Half the guys that cum early, could last longer but they just don't care about their GFs Orgasms and just care about their own.

[TheKay]

I guess so. So should I just say no?

[TheKay]

And justify by the fact that he never does anything for me?

[NJ_Casanova]

You have to put your foot down and let him know your unhappy with how it goes. If you want foreplay.. don't give him a HJ/BJ until you get serviced first. Tell him if he doesn't give you what you want it's going to be awhile until he gets any. IF he doesn't smarten up. That tells me he really doesn't cares about your feelings/happiness, only his own. At that point I would dump him and find a guy that actually loves you and wants to make you happy. You are still very young and shouldn't be putting up with this at your age/dating. Things like this should only happen when you have been married 10yrs stressed out with kids/mortgages/money/work issues.

[TheKay]

Absolutely. Thanks for the great advice!

[NJ_Casanova]

Good luck and remember you deserve to enjoy sex/ have orgasms too;-)

[grace___]

Bore him until he does something

[Jgel1992]

I would look for a different partner. Do love not sex. However, if you truly like him then make a face whenever you finish having sex, like an unpleasent face, maybe even throw in a, "well that was the best sex I ever had" very very sarcastically. It will get to his ego.

[Arya_Christ]

tell him what you want..

[mT2359]

indulge in phone sex with your partner

[mT2359]

dnt be his sleeping pill... simple

[Glen68]

it's scary but he will appreciate it if you communicate your wants and needs

[jakie37]

Just sit on his face!!

[TheKay]

Okay :D

[jakie37]

Make him lick 👅 your pussy hard!!

[TheKay]

If he doesn't do anything then that might be the only way to go ^^

[jakie37]

👍👍

[Anonymous]

Talk to him

[TheKay]

Yes but how, when? I'm really bad at telling people when something is wrong, and I don't want to be aggressive or offend him (that's why I never tell anyone when things are wrong D:)