My boyfriend is a nice guy, but too naive? I can't stay with him, but can't leave him either because I love him! What do I do?

[Anonymous]

1. We are both from different religious backgrounds, me being a hindu (22), and he being a Sikh (21).

2. I proposed to him around 8 months ago, but was still suspicious, becoz I feared that my family won't be happy with this decision EVER! (Intercast Issues). But I proposed to him anyway.

3. After we got along, he has been a very sweet, caring and a gentle guy, and loves me a lot.

4. But, he is very naive. A LOT infact. He isn't active. Doesn't take mature decisions. Doesn't know what's wrong/right for him. Very emotional. Isn't impressive at all [except that he is a coder/topper, is exceptionally good at it, and that's what made me fall for him on the very first place (I am sapiosexual), so wouldn't have to care about the career part ]. He isn't confident, isn't funny, is very inexperienced and hence lacks intellectual ability (to a greater extent), doesn't know how to choose his company well, isn't physically attractive, lacks good dressing sense, holds completely different interests than mine. He's just not the same intellect level I have always fantacised about guys!

5. What I want is a real man who can actually impress his girl from his actions, act sweet when necessary, act tough when necessary, act horny WHEN NECESSARY, act responsible whenever necesarry, be an adult yet be adorable and kind. I feel he's just not made for me :(

6. Due to these problems, I have actually broke up with him MANY TIMES (10-15 times least, always me being the initiator). It's been an "on and off" relationship. And that's because I love him a lot, and can't see him sad, and the moment we breakup is when I start feeling lonely and miserable, but then as soon as we get back together, I just can't handle these insecurities and wanna breakup again.

7. I am just not satisfied, and I don't see my fututre with him :( But can't stay away from him becoz I love him and addicted to the kind of love he shows. I feel I will be miserable without him too.

Please advice what should I do? :(

[SinghSong]

So, if he's not the intellectual level you're looking for, how dumb must he be? Given that you've got grammatical errors and spelling mistakes literally everywhere, you don't come across as being particularly intelligent or intellectual at all. And IMHO, using inter-caste difficulties as an excuse when YOU proposed to HIM is a load of bullshit. You proposed to HIM, not the other way round. And YOU keep breaking up with him and getting back together with him- why? He's just a place-holder to you- you said it yourself, you're addicted to the kind of love that he shows for you. I. e, attention and affection. But you aren't attracted to him in the slightest, and never have been- that 'sapiosexual' nonsense is blatantly a lie, because you keep saying that he's not smart enough, lacks intellectual ability, and that he's completely inadequate in every conceivable way. You aren't attracted to him, and never have been- he's just your comfort blanket/doormat to trample over in order to feel better about yourself and compensate for your own inadequacies.

You keep going on about how he knows nothing, how YOU always know best, how YOU always have to make every decision for him because YOU believe that he doesn't know what's right or wrong for him (which he DOES, because he's not your pet or slave), and how he isn't good enough for you. So why the hell do you keep stringing this poor guy along? The only action he could take which would actually impress you would be to reject you, break up with you and refuse to ever take you back no matter how much you begged for it. He isn't made for you- he's far too good for you. What makes you think that you're worth even an iota of what he is? What do you have to offer him, or any other guy, besides your boundless prejudice, insecurities, hypocrisy, neediness and fickle nature? Right now, I'm struggling to conceive why anyone would ever want to be with you.

[Asker]

That's an eye opener. Thanks mate :(

[Asker]

One last thing I would like to ask: I don't know why but I really feel your ans is going to bring a change in my life. Keeping all the things you've described in your ans in mind, what's the best decision you would take if you were in my situation? It would be a great help if you reply. Thanks.

[SinghSong]

I honestly don't know. There are so many bits of context relating to your self-image and your motivations which I don't know about, and without being able to extrapolate enough data, one can't come to a satisfactory conclusion. But I would ask you to ask yourself- why am I with this guy when I don't find anything about him attractive? Why do I keep breaking up with him and getting back with him, and if he loves me so much and always takes me back with no complaints, why does am I so insecure- is it because I feel that he shouldn't be taking me back, that he lacks a spine because he loves me too much? Am I attracted to him at all, or just to the one-sided love and affection he lavishes me with? And is it fair to either of us to continue this facade?

[Asker]

I couldn't realise earlier that I have been bitching around an innocent guy, playing with his feelings. And this time when I will break up with him, it will not be because he ain't worth my time and energy, but the other way round. The last time we patched up (around a month ago) was because he told me he wouldn't be able to get over me untill college is over (1 year left), but will be easier for him after he gets a job. If I go and tell him again that we should breakup, then it will again be really mean of me. Should I convey him right now or should I wait for an another year for the breakup?

[dogbert444]

This is maybe one of the problems with being brought up in a religious and repressive regime. Lack of experience of real life.

I have the feeling you want to stay with this guy because you feel safe with him. I think that although you crave an exciting life, it scares you a bit.

You don't seem to be very happy. I think you should give serious consideration to finding another guy. If you stick with this safe guy, you will live a life of "What if I had..."

[Asker]

_"I have the feeling you want to stay with this guy because you feel safe with him. I think that although you crave an exciting life, it scares you a bit."_ This is absolutely so true! Exaclty how I feel :( I am so thankful for your response. I so needed this. Just a few lines and now I know what to do and why. Thanks a tonne again :)

[dogbert444]

Always welcome!

[Brokenheartedx]

If you aren't happy don't proceed
Break it off for god sake girl before u ruin each other's lives and end up wasting your life away

[Lillyhope]

It's not that bad, just show him "the right direction"

[UnknownXYZ]

www.court-records.net/animationgk/rou-laugh(b).gif

"5. What I want is a real man who can actually impress his girl from his actions, act sweet when necessary, act tough when necessary, act horny WHEN NECESSARY, act responsible whenever necesarry, be an adult yet be adorable and kind. I feel he's just not made for me"

[Amfte]

Yea you can't bea couple, breaking uo 15 times shows that you can't work it out

[TennisFlo]

get rid of this dude

[Inuyasha86]

You're torturing the poor guy. Make up your mind and stick with it.

[Browneye57]

Doesn't sound like a match to me. [shrug]

[SmithMr007]

Maku up your mind. Dont let the comfort and fear of losing the good feelings keep you away from making sound decisions

[worldscolide]

this sounds like a you problem, not a him problem, and it sounds like you are the one that needs to grow up. do your self a favor, leave the poor guy alone, stop breaking his heart so he can find someone worthy of him rather than someone as heartless as you.

[rezagrizzly]

im sorry but u dont deserve him. dislike me all u want.

[alexandremp]

seems u are the problem, not him.

[Lithium65]

You won't fully move on till you find someone else. just bc you love him doesn't mean you won't love again.

[Regular1]

You sound flaky as hell. Do both of you a favor and end it with him.

[Ambassador_from_Mars]

He sounds like an average guy and you sound like you want an actor.
Does it matter if he is a Sikh?
Is his family hostile towards you?
It's not like you're dating a Muslim guy who wants you to convert and wear a burkha and for at home for the rest of your days.

[Shy_Steve]

Why can't you stay with him?

You just have to way up the pros and cons of being with him and without him and chose the one with more pros odviously.

[turkishman2]

leave

[nomadme]

i wouldn't say leave him but like tell him that you have various needs and you deserve to experience them as well and maybe better to take some time off and go on a few dates, meet new people.. it might also give him some time to think about it

[TheGreatSwizer]

stay with him. you love him as you say so none of that other stuff matters as much if the love was true. does he love you? if yes don't leave because you may not find it again. from these points you made you seem too selfish. you guys are together you're one. it has to be a decision best for both of you. sit him down and talk about throw stuff with him if you already haven't and figure it out for yourselves.

[the_special_one]

leave him

[bahsinalikhan]

go back to him and show him to be a real man

[kasad]

if your heart allowed you then don't care about any one but if you think that you were not happy with them and your heart donoy allow you then leave him.