I told my boyfriend how many men I've slept with - now I feel ashamed. What do I do?

[Anonymous]

Last night, my boyfriend and I were talking and we got into a conversation about sex. He ended up asking me how many men I've slept with after we talked about how many women he has slept with. My number is almost double his number. I was promiscuous as a young adult, and although that's changed, I am still ashamed to a certain degree. I have no STDs, so that's not a concern, it was just the wreckage from my past is all.

I was honest with him because he is important to me and I didn't want to lie. Now I am afraid he is judging me or is upset that my number is so high. I am so embarrassed and ashamed now - I really wish I would have lied or not said anything, but hindsight is 20/20.

I feel like now I need to have another talk with him and explain myself a bit further. Guys, does the number of men your woman sleep with matter to you? What if it's higher than yours? Is this a deal breaker to some men? Do you think my boyfriend will get over it?

[Js138]

We all have a past... and that's exactly where it should stay, the past. There isn't a person on this earth who hasn't done something at some point in their life that they're embarrassed or ashamed of. A lot of us were promiscuous as young adults... before we realized the implications and risks involved. For most, sex doesn't evolve into something more intimate and guarded until we're able to view it with a mature perspective. No one, especially not the man who is supposed to love you, should ever make you feel ashamed for your past. Your early promiscuity has absolutely nothing to do with your relationship with him now. Hell, I'll be honest. In my teen years I went a little wild. I didn't have a mother around to guide me, and my father was always frequenting the local strip clubs... didn't have the best role models. So naturally, i was under the impression that sex was the only thing that attracted and held men. Between the ages of 15 and 19, my number was definitely in the teens... but when I turned 20 and really began to value sex, i settled down. I'm 35 now, and have only had 3 partners in the last 15 years. It's extremely unfair to judge someone for their actions as a teenager/ young adult. If we did, there'd be no sealed juvenile records... just criminal records. Everyone's mistakes would follow them throughout their entire life. The fact that you're being honest with him shows real maturity and commitment and should be reassurance enough, and if he's having a hard time dealing with your past then maybe he's not the right man for you. Love means accepting someone's misgivings and shortcomings without bais. Judge not lest ye be judged.

[Asker]

What a great post - thank you. You're right, it is extremely unfair to judge someone based on what they did in the past. My number is high for the exact same reason. Dad was a piece of crap and mom was a selfish alcoholic. I totally used sex and partying as a way to get rid of a lot of those negative emotions associated with crappy parenting. Sex was also something I had no understanding of. As I got older, I too began to understand what it really means to me and began to really cherish it. I would be devastated if he left me for some deeply principled point of view, but I know he won't - that's not who I decided to be with. Thank you so much :)

[Anonymous]

in my opinion this is always the most silly and pointless, cons more than pros kinda conversation that a couple could have engage in. Not saying couple shouldn't be open with each another, but we should let the past be the past in this case, as its something would do damage to relationship, like jealousy, not even saying if he is judging you by that or not.
Let see how he responses I guess. My man once told me I can tell him everything except my sexual past, he honestly told me he would get jealous regard whatever I have done sexually with other men. If he cannot accept or judge you by that, well you cannot do much, as you cannot change what have already happened. Then you can only move on, look for someone is willing to accept who you are, or you were.
Good luck!!

[Asker]

Thank you so much!! Yes, he says he doesn't care and there's no need to bring it up again. I have to believe him and I also don't regret being honest. But I am also of the belief that it should probably not be brought up in the first place. Thank you so much for your response - I appreciate it :)

[dogsandyoga]

It's really great that you were honest with him. If you're concerned that he's judging you, why don't you ask hum how he's feeling about it? If he is worried, then you can openly and honestly reassure him that you're no longer like that. I think open and honest communication is really healthy :)

[Asker]

Thank you so much for your post. I did finally reach out and had a talk with him - he says he genuinely doesn't care and really doesn't need to discuss it further. He says he's okay with it and that's that. He wasn't even irritated when he told me that so I have to believe him. I'm lucky I have someone who truly understands me and values me as a partner and not a nicked possession. Thank you :)

[BlueCoyote]

Don't be ashamed. Sex is something beautiful and you should be HAPPY that you had the opportunity to experience it in such various ways. You see, I'm married now to an absolutely wonderful girl. I'm very happy with her. BUT she was the first person I ever had sex with. I didn't plan it that way, I'm not religious. In fact, I tried super hard to have sex with a couple of girls in my late teens and early 20s. It never worked out. Not a single woman wanted to hook up with me. So now I'm here and I honestly feel envious of people like you. Despite my happy relationship, I severely miss the lack of experimenting. I feel bored... not of my wife but of my life. At least when it comes to sex. I would give my left nut if I could go back and have fun with lots of girls before getting settled down. And it's particularly painful because I'm not one of those religious crazies; I didn't want it this way. It just became this way.
So don't be ashamed. Be thankful. Think of it as traveling: you're the person who managed to travel around the globe and see tons of things while other people stay in their own little village for their entire life. Why would that be something shameful? It's something wonderful!

And no, I certainly wouldn't judge my wife if her number was higher than mine. I really wouldn't care. I would be happy for her, that she had the opportunity to enjoy her life like that.

[Asker]

Wow. What a wonderful way to look at it! Thank you for the fresh perspective! Thank you so much for your answer - it helped me a lot :)

[BlueCoyote]

No problem :-)

[wolverine101]

Personally I wouldn’t care too much. To me the most important thing is that my girl shows me that she desires me more than anyone else. Telling the truth is essential so I think it’s good you didn’t lie. Trust is the foundation of a relationship and building a relationship on a lie can be far worse for the relationship that dealing with an unpleasant truth. Trust is easy to lose but difficult to rebuild. Be diplomatic though, don’t tell your guy that a previous lover had a bigger dick and could get you off 10 times in row when he is struggling to get you off once. Those are the types of insecurities guys harbor when they learn their girl had sex before. Instead if he asks any details just play it down.

[Paris13]

Not everyone, hun, is like You nor me... xxoo

[Asker]

Great advice. Thank you so much for your response. I am also of the belief that the truth is better and that's why I was so forthcoming. I appreciate your help :)

[jeffp666]

There is nothing wrong with having multiple partners in your life. I have not had a lot of experience with women, but the last girl I was dating had plenty of experience with both men and women. She was able to use that knowledge to let me know how she likes it. Do not feel embarrassed or ashamed of your past.

[Asker]

Thank you so much. I feel I've learned a lot and really don't regret it - I only worried because I wasn't sure how he'd respond. I guess the bottom line is that if he's the right guy for me, he won't care. Or if he does, he'll make a concerted effort to get over it. Thank you so much. :)

[jeffp666]

Now that is a healthy way to look at it. Good luck!☺️

[samimcgwire34]

The entire premise of a strong relationship is honesty and trust. If you have nothing to hide and can bare your soul to a man and he stays, you have something... everyone has a past. Everyone has a vice... lying would have ultimately been worse. Yes, lesson learned maybe something like that is better left unsaid, but now it is out there, and if you have a strong relationship it will endure it all. Have a talk see where he stands. Best of Luck

[Paris13]

There was really No Need to be this Honest Jane Here, Dear... Should have let those Sleeping Dogs Lie, But not Lie, Exactly, But tell him Instead in the Bed, "I have had a few boyfriends, Yes."
He may Not get over it right away, Nor May Never Get Totally over it, And either Hold it against you in a Fight or just stay Mad, while you Remain Sad.
Good Luck And you Both Need Open Lines of Convo ASAP! xx

[LastNightmare]

best answer. I think the same. and you really need time to talk

[Paris13]

@LastNightmare Thank you, sweetie! xxoo

[Paris13]

@wolverine101 No Need to spill the beans totally of your past, would you want someone you loved to know the amount? I am good at accepting things but not Everyone under the sun, hun, is like this Master, who can take anything that is told, such as "How many someone slept with."xx

[wolverine101]

@Paris13 If it doesn’t matter to them then there is no harm in telling the truth. But if it does matter to them then telling the truth is the loving thing to do. Lying is selfish. Sure you still get to be with him/her but if he/she knew the truth he/she might not want to be with you. Tricking someone into devoting their life to you is not showing that you love them.

[Paris13]

@wolverine101 No, Not Lying, dear. Just do not have to be so explicit. The past is the past, for Godsakes. xx

[Paris13]

@wolverine101 lol More and More than 40 Dates and Mates, and Aside from my Husband whom I Married in Egypt, who I HAD to tell everything, I am quiet. Let those sleeping dogs lie without having to lie. Barking up a wrong tree. xx

[Asker]

Thank you for the response. I agree that I probably shouldn't have said anything. But when he came right out and asked me, I felt obligated to be honest with him. I don't want to lie - not to him. I'm building a life with him and if he ever found out I was lying (even if it's 10 years down the line), I know it could be a huge problem. Trust is everything. I never had a lot of it growing up, and I want it with him - this way we can pass it down to our children. That to me is a real value. Thank you so much for your response. If I had to do it over again, I would just keep quiet!

[Paris13]

Thank you for being so polite. No, sweetie, if Anyone asks, just simply Tell them, "Yes, of course (Giggle a little) I have some boyfriends, how about you with girls?" However, I agree with being honest. xxoo

[JamesHigginbotham]

Higher the number the more likely they are to find less value in sex. Personally I become emotionally attached to anybody I sleep with until I couldn't even imagine the idea of sleeping with a large amount of people. Therefore if I never was in my with a large number they don't understand me. I am monogamous but not all humans are. So yes it does bother me but only because I've been with a few that had high numbers and they were consistently broken. There's always exceptions but it shows a huge red flag you will need to explain yourself and prove yourself

[Asker]

I can see how it would put you off. I'm lucky that the majority of men on here don't seem to care. Sometimes a high number is a simple reflection of a phase in a woman's life that is now over, but is somehow seen as a scar that needs to be explained away. However, to each their own, and I totally understand how you would feel this way. Some women don't change, others do. Of course this goes for men as well. We're all just trying to make it.

[OlderAndWiser]

For some guys, the number may be all they want to hear. I think these are the guys who are insecure about themselves sexually and they worry that, if you have had man y partners in the past, they may not compare very favorably. If you and he have already developed a sexual relationship. you need to reassure him that you are very satisfied with him.

For me, the number is not as important by itself but it is important to the extent that it reflects on her current attitude about the role of sex in a committed relationship. If a girl had many partners when she was younger but has settled down and now wants a monogamous, caring relationship where sex is used as an expression of love and affection. . . that's all I need to know. If I am still concerned that I am going to be #56 on her forever expanding list of former lovers, I am not hanging around to see what happens.

[Asker]

Thank you so much for your honesty. I appreciate what you had to say, and I too believe it has more to do with that then the fact that the man sees her as a slut. Thanks a lot :)

[matchrestore]

This is exactly why I never once asked a girl how many partners she had in the past. I told all partners that I would get tested and they should get tested as well, regardless of how many partners they had in the past. Until the results came back we used condoms.

[Asker]

Thank you for your response - I appreciate it :)

[huckleberryhound]

If he's a man at all in love, it won't matter in the end. So long as you show you've settled down, and chosen him to be your only one is all that should matter. If he can't deal with it, then that's on him and you're better off knowing now. It'll show what kind of character he has, whether he's judgmental or not, if it wasn't given the chance to show now, it could have much later down the line. Same goes for you speaking the truth about it. Quite possible it could've came back to haunt you in the future if you had lied.

[Asker]

Wow. You're so right. He seems to not care in the slightest, which surprises me because I haven't known anyone like that before. It's so refreshing to see a guy who just couldn't care less. I'm very very fortunate. Thank yo so much for your great reply :)

[huckleberryhound]

Love the two insecure guys that had to give this a thumbs down, I somehow knew it would happen. Lol

[MrMysteryMan]

I love how we want to know the truth about our SO, but then when they are truthful, we slap them in the face about it. Or, we get mad when they aren't truthful and find out later what the truth is.

People talk about being able to handle truths. Most, I don't believe, can. We all want the truth to be our truth, what we value. And when we don't hear that, it hurts or we can't comprehend or we aren't prepared. Shit, everyone has history. Everyone has a past. But there is a reason we call it PAST. It's not the reality or the current. You aren't, like you said, what you were before. I don't think people should all together, fully, judge someone on their sexual past. We go through shit and issues arise that contribute to how we act in the past emotionally. Especially for women, they link sex very emotionally. So the fact that you said you were in a rough patch, and that contributed to your casual attitude at that time, this should be taken into account. Also, it should be taken into account, that you have changed and that you care about HIM.

Another thing, to be honest, there are a lot of people that want a sexually adventurous woman, but don't want to hear that she was sexually adventurous before... That's like saying I want a great surgeon, but I have to be the first one they've operated on. These two wants just don't really make sense together. Most times, it's hard to be adventurous and knowledgeable about something without having any experience with it. Also, the more experience someone is with something, USUALLY, the better they are at that something.

So why don't we accept the person how the are at that moment, but worry about the past when shit gets bad in the relationship. Not saying, everyone should be looked at as recovered from their past, that would depend on how bad the issue is. Like if they were charged with pedo or a multiple rapist in the past, that's totally a different story. But, if someone cares for you, give them the benefit of the doubt.

[HGG3805]

Depends on the guy's attitude. Yep you need to talk with him and see how he is doing with that information. No time like the present to see if he ok with knowing about your past. Don't you hate it when something like that happens and you realize that was probably a serious error?

[ITKing]

I'm glad you didn't lie about your number bc that would've been the worst thing of the whole situation. It matters to me but all men are different. If I know the number in the beginning it wouldn't matter but if I fall in love and she tells me I'll be crushed. When he looks at you now all HE will think about is you sucking and sleeping with those men along with the other things you probably done with them. HE WILL NEVER GET OVER IT. I went through a similar situation and I didn't get over it. How long have y'all been together?

[Goodwifie]

Honestly I wouldn't know if my husband has had more partners than I..
I have idea that he has but I don't want to know how many.

[Asker]

Yeah, it's probably best to keep it that way for most couples...

[Goodwifie]

our past is our past.

[Megamickel]

For me, it's just part of the past. For some guys it's difficult, but that can come from not thinking they'll be as good as others. There's not an end all answer to this. Talk to him about it and see how he feels, and reassure him that you're committed to this relationship right now.

[jigarvalentine]

my number is way higher than my girl friend's, but still i couldn't deal with her number when i found out, because she had lied about her number in the beginning, plus the "male ego".
finally i accepted it coz of strong attachment between us, and she seems to have changed and sincere so far, but it took a long time and i still have occasional bouts of suspicion.
my advice: tell the truth at the outset before being too attached, if he's fine with it, you should go ahead with him.
if you're already attached to a sensitive guy and would like to keep him, lie and make sure you never get caught ;)

[Asker]

Lying in general is a problem. I can't live my life that way - it's too difficult. I'm glad I was honest from the beginning and I guess it's up to him now if he wants to stay in the relationship. It seems like he does. Thanks for your help :)

[ChapizCholo]

Most women are going to have a higher sexual count than men, especially given how much easier it is for women to get laid. You were younger, having fun and living life so there is no need to be ashamed. That does not make you a slut.

Your boyfriend should realize that you are with him and your past doesn't matter. Next time, cut the number in half like most women. 🙄

[Asker]

Thank you!!

[slatyb]

Stop worrying about this. Past is past. If he can't handle it, that's his problem, you can't change it. There are plenty of guys who won't care.

[Asker]

Thank you so much!

[Dude55]

That kind of conversation should never be brought up with your bf/gf, it causes so many problems and bad feeling. I hope your boyfriend gets past this and focuses on what you both have now.

[Asker]

I now know for the future that it probably isn't a good thing to bring it. Luckily, I don't think he really cares so much. I dodged a bullet there...

[Dude55]

Oh that's good at least, time to relax and put it to the back of your mind and look to the future ☺

[vittle1999]

I think the conversation to have is to explain that it was in the past n who u r now isn't who u used to be. You should not apologise for being honest.

[Asker]

Thank you! :)

[pinkzoesbb]

He’s an idiot. If he was worried about your number he should have asked sooner. You can’t take it back. If you’re ashamed don’t let him be the cause. He’s your boyfriend now.

[Asker]

You're right. I'm not ashamed of what I did - I learned a lot from it. I think I was afraid he'd judge me and slowly lose interest. He assured me this is not the case and he encourages me to move on from it now. Thanks for your response :)

[TrajanJJ]

Ok so on the real I dated girls with higher numbers then me. It’s obvious women would get more partners then men, dicks cheap.
Does it matter how many people you slept with to a guy if he wants something serious probably.
Men who seek a partner don’t want to, mind my words, date a hoe.

You do have your exceptions however.

But really I could not tell you because I don’t know him.

[Asker]

My number is a direct reflection of my early-mid-20's and doesn't reflect who I am today. I think that's all that matters, so he may too... I think if he were to tell me his number is super high, I wouldn't care so much - as long as it's something he did in his past when he was going through a partying phase, or just have fun, in general. I appreciate your input. Thank you so much!

[TrajanJJ]

I didn't see this till now but some guys will drop you for it as a notice.

[Marlong13]

Some guys have a problem with it some don't of he has a problem and can't get over it he isn't the guy for you, i was a lot like you when I was younger and tbh I wish it wasn't so high, but if a woman told me hers I would not judge its her choice

[Asker]

I can appreciate the equality. Thank you so much for your input!

[Marlong13]

No worries if you need a hand just message me.