Even though I didn't say no, is it still rape?

[Anonymous]

I had been friends with benefits with a guy for 4.5 months and he had a mean streak to him. He would erupt in anger for little to no reason. I surmise he has deep rooted anger issues. I trusted him and tried to see the good in him despite his faults. The first time he hit me was during sex because my leg was in a position he didn't like. He hit me on my thigh. On September 14, I went over and as I was performing oral sex (sorry for the graphic detail.) he stated I was doing a bad job so I asked him to show me how he liked it or that I could get lubricant from my purse. He became even more enraged. I stood up and said I was leaving and no longer wanted to be there.

At that point, he stood up and pushed me on the bed. He proceeded to rip my panties off that it left a laceration on my left hip. He choked me. Then punched me so hard it caused a concussion. He then raped me. I didn't say no because I was too fearful.

The state attorney has stated that they will not be prosecuting him because there is a text message which I ask for light BDSM --- light slapping and choking. I did say that but isn't the moment I stood up on that night all consent went out the door.

I later looked into his criminal record. I didn't know he had one because he's a charming real estate investor. I found out he was incarcerated for fourteen years for money laundering and conspiracy to distribute MDMA. He has had two other restraining orders for repeat violence, battery and bodily injury on a police officer and three years ago fractured someone's leg at one of his restaurants.

i have thought of suicide because he pain is unbearable yet I feel it was my fault for having come over, for having requested light BDSM before and for not having asked for a rape kit. I guess my question is, do you think I'm partially to blame? Please stay respectful as right now I am going through a difficult time.

[amel23]

This is hard to say bc if sounds like rape but u asked for bdms that's why I think if someone is really kinky they shouldn't try it with strangers but someone who is smart enough to understand ur needs when I say no to my boyfriend he knows whethwr he pushes it or there is smthf wrong just trying that with a stranger is a high risk u could've ended up with someone crazy who will beat u up I can get what u r going through but it could've been a whole lot worse believe me 2 years ago I talked to someone in a friendly then started following me showed up at my door and when I screamt at him and tried to close the door at his face he throw me on the ground so hard my vertebrate disks separated thank god my nighboor heard Me screaming but I can insure u with sick pple if u end up alive u r lucky Ik its hard but just be thankful

[Anonymous]

Im sorry that you went through this no you are not to blame for happened it shouldn't matter if there was a message on your phone agreeing to do some BDSM you wanted to leave but but he wouldn't let you instead he grabbed you and he forced himself on you he is the one who committed a crime I too was raped even though there was evidence and the guy admitted what he had done to me I still had people blaming me and saying things like you put yourself in that position you went there for sex your ruining an innocent man life I even had someone tell me it was your fault because you allowed it to happen do not blame yourself if it helps there are Facebook groups for rape victims where you can join and talk to other rape victims try to speak to speak with a psychologist

[Asker]

Thank you so much for sharing your story with me as I know it is difficult. I understand how you feel me I miss sorry that people blamed you for a situation that you were put into. The guy who violated you and I are not innocent despite what people say or he fact that I blame myself. I appreciate the beautiful tips and thank you for empowering me to feel better on such a dreary day. I wish you all great best wishes... I want you to know that today you have helped me immensely. For that, I am grateful...

[Anonymous]

I think sadly in a court of law many things are seen more to be black and white but we all know real life isn't quite so black and white. It should have been obvious by your emotional state as you were leaving that you were no longer interested in 'light BDSM' and for the record, a laceration and punching someone in the face is hardly what many consider look guy BDSM! Just be very careful and clear in communication next time, if you're going to get involved in anything like that make sure it's with someone you completely trust and feel safe with and you have a safe word! So sorry you had to experience that though.

[wolverine101]

Yes it was rape. Unfortunately the state attorney doesn’t think he can obtain a conviction - proving guilt beyond a reasonable doubt to 12 jurors. This is likely because of several factors including the BDSM text message. He apparently believes that this will put a reasonable doubt in the jury’s mind that he knew you didn’t consent. Also his ‘prior bad acts’ can’t be introduced to the jury. They can only consider what happened when he raped you. I’m so sorry that this happened to you and that you likely won’t see justice served.

[Dale1982]

Now you know the dangers of consenting to weird sexual fetishes. Do you honestly believe those who can't get it up in a normal loving relationship and get turned on by people being beaten up, assaulted, bound and humiliated are really normal, trustworthy human beings. I dont, i think they're weirdos and if i was a woman id never put myself in a situation like that. They call those acta perverse for a reason. Normal people don't do them. Walk in the jungle and you'll eventually meet something dangerous

[HungLikeAHorsefly]

She didn't consent to anything, dipshit.

[Dale1982]

@HungLikeAHorsefly fuckin read it halfwit. She consented to bdsm choking and slapping. Away back to your cartoon numbnut

[HungLikeAHorsefly]

No, she didn't. That's not how that works. Not that you'd understand.

[Dale1982]

@HungLikeAHorsefly and you probably do considering you live on a different planet. She consented to humiliation and violence, he gave her humiliation and violence Columbo

[HungLikeAHorsefly]

Again, she didn't consent to either of those. You really don't know how human communication works, do you? Well that's obvious from your complete lack of empathy.

[Asker]

I sent a text message 2.5 months ago. I want to make this clear. Second of all, I clearly stated I wanted to leave. Any kind of sex -- vanilla sex or BDSM -- went out the door I think. He pinned me to the bed and I was unable to say no because he tore off my underwear and left a laceration on my left hip and proceeded to not lightly slap me but punch me.

[Asker]

Also, if a woman tells you she wants to leave and is putting her clothes back on, would you push her on the bed and proceed to penetrate her? Yes, I feel guilty but I also feel that I told him I was ready to leave.

[Dale1982]

@HungLikeAHorsefly doesn't matter what I know and what i dont know ya clown, it's what he knew and didn't know. If he gets a kick out of the violence then there's no way to mitigate that by stating a modifier like mild. Call it what you will she green lighted him and the law doesn't define between light and heavy, it's more black and white. You really didn't learn much in your 34 years on this planet did You?

[Dale1982]

To the asker, I'm not trying to justify what he did, he's a wanker that needs put down badly. I dont rape or force anybody to do anything against their will coz I'm normal but a cunt like that isn't as you've seen. The things we take for granted that everybody knows not everybody knows. The basics go over some folks heads coz they're so far off the path. All I'm saying is whenever you opened up to the suggestion you might like sex that was maybe out of the ordinary that was enough for him to say to himself, I've been given permission to do what i like

[HungLikeAHorsefly]

It doesn't matter what you don't know? That's obvious. She mentioned the BDSM thing almost 3 months before the incident. That's IN ADDITION to the fact that she very clearly withdrew consent non-verbally. How exactly is that "greenlighting" the guy?

[Dale1982]

@HungLikeAHorsefly if I need to explain it your too stupid to get it

[HungLikeAHorsefly]

I don't think you know what "consent" or "BDSM" means.

[Dale1982]

@HungLikeAHorsefly i dont give a fuck what you think

[HungLikeAHorsefly]

We've been talking about this for an hour. Do you often spend an hour talking about things you don't give a fuck about, or is your life really that dull?

[Dale1982]

@HungLikeAHorsefly my lifes that dull

[AustinMan]

Of course it's rape. The State's Attorney let you down. I might try escalating the case. Do you have medical evidence of the concussion?

[Lollysakitty]

I don't think you're to blame at all. You said light BDSM and he hit you and chocked you way more than "light". You are the victim here and this isn't your fault. Please don't kill yourself, that would just be letting him win, and you dont deserve to die.

[Fairygodmother78]

As you said the minute you got up to walk away was your no!!!
I would definitely say it was rape! Don’t give up or blame yourself! He is a narcissistic sociopath. I hope you heal soon from this😘

[Asker]

Thank you for your kind words. Yes, that's how I felt -- that the moment I stood up I no longer consented. I hope I heal from this and that divine justice is served.

[Yes-Man]

It is rape. Doesn't matter what the state attwhoever says, it's a rape and you know it.

[Asker]

Yes, deep down I know that... if criminal justice was not served then I hope divine justice will intervene.

[Yes-Man]

Or someone's gonna chop his private parts off... But don't be vengeful, it's bad for your own... Just stay away from the baddies, alright? I'm ashamed that he's called a "man" in certain circles :(

[PeaceAndLoveAndTrust]

It was wrong of him, but you knew he is aggressive. For me: You played with fire and got burned. Sorry but I feel rather sorry for person who really had no choice at all.

[Band_freak]

Sounds to me like you did say no "I stood up and said I was leaving and no longer wanted to be there"
The fact that they won't do anything because you previously said you wanted to try bdsm is honestly disgusting, just because you consent to something once doesn't mean they have a free pass to do it whenever they want.
You are in no way to blame don't let anyone make you feel like that <3

[Asker]

Thank you so much for your kind words. I'm appreciative of them. Yes, I now blame myself for sending that text even though that was 2.5 months befor even this incident. Hopefully I can heal and move on and help others once I get past this stage of grief.

[Band_freak]

If you don't say yes, they should always assume the answer is no 😊 really hope you can get past this and learn not to blame yourself because you are in no way at fault

[-Beonkia]

Yes it is rape. And he's an abuser! Please, please call the cops on his ass

[Asker]

I did call the cops. My report was sent to the state attorney and they said they can't prosecute because of the text I had sent him two months ago and even thought he has a criminal history.

[Stirado093]

I've had the similar thing happen to me. I occasionally like the light slapping, spanking, you know. Well I no longer felt comfortable and was like you preceding to leave. He got me outside. It was rape. I'm sorry you went through this.

[HungLikeAHorsefly]

In the BDSM world, consent is not implicit and can be revoked at any time. Unless you told him he could manhandle you all he wants at any time, you did not give him consent. You were raped. I'm sorry this happened to you.

[Asker]

Thank you so much for understanding me. I appreciate your input because I keep blaming myself but then I grieve due to the fact that deep down inside, I was ready to leave and I put my clothes back on and he decided to push me on the bed and force me using violence. I've decided that I will get over this and one day, I may be able to help others get past this situation. Thank you so much for your kind words and defending me.

[QuietFawn]

If you didn't want it to happen, it's rape.

[FloydMan]

Hun , you should try to go along with someone who can really keep your faith and respect you.
You sound like a sweet<3 and I feel you deserve better than all this.
Your sincerity and efforts if directed in the right place will definitely bring your more prosperous returns. You will live life happier.

[Hotchpotchsoup]

While it was dumb beyond measure to get so involved with an aggressive person you aren't in fault of the rape and he should be put in prison. And the jury/judge should be fired from their jobs.

[Asker]

Thank you so much!

[Hotchpotchsoup]

I know it's hard to recover, but I hope you do. <3

[jessy5]

Its rape, once you stud up to leave u made it clare that u don't want to have sex and u didn't want to be there with him, find another lawyer who can help you and stay far away from ur guy friend

[AtomicCheesing]

You did not consent. Its rape and assault. Do what you must to heal and get justice. Sorry this happened to you.

Best Wishes

[Asker]

Thank you so much! I appreciate your kind words.!

[Juxtapose]

That's definitely rape, what a piece of shit that guy is! You were nothing but kind to him but he treated you like trash.

F*** men like that.

[UsernameMadness]

It started out as consensual sex, so it was reasonable for him to assume it was good until he had some indication to the contrary. I don't consider it rape but he was obviously too rough, BDSM or not. It seems like you like your men a bit dangerous, but this is one to put down to experience and move on.

[TheCake]

No, he can't read your mind.

[Asker]

So you're saying the fact that I stood up, said I wanted to leave and he pins me on the bed and hits me till I have a concussion is okay? Or that he had to rip off my undergarments is okay?

[TheCake]

you didn't say no so...

[Banana-Girl]

It is not her fault She said she wanted to leave and he wouldn't let her he is the one to blame

[niomi04]

Respect ur decision... U were at fault abit I guess bcz u asked for it... But it turned bad.. just never meet the guy

[Asker]

I should add that when I asked to try BDSM was two months ago and not on the night of the incident. I stood up and left which I think would mean it's non consensual?

[niomi04]

Correct it's non consensual dat night

[niomi04]

Wish all will be good.. best luck

[Asker]

Thank you!!

[Masnel]

Clearly rape. I know a stranger's word on the internet may not mean much, but try to see you aren't accountable for someone else's actions. Saying you have a fetish doesn't give the other person free reign to do whatever they want. I'm a dude and from the sound of it, you gave more than enough indication, he had to of ignore, that the encounter was over. He's a scumbag, that's not on you.

I can't advise on the legal front but get him out of your life ASAP. When you're ready, find a guy who can respect you!

Please don't give in to the suicidal thoughts... Keep in mind there are people you can talk to. I see a councilor regularly to keep my head on straight. When it starts to go dark on me, I find talking to a friendly, neutral party really helps clear my head.

Just reach out to someone before you try to hurt yourself, there's no going back after that :(

[Anonymous]

Well, bad judgement... verging on horrible judgement. Yeah. But girl, I completely understand where you are coming from. And you know they have to have enough evidence to prosecute and to convict. Maybe seek counseling?