My girlfriend is a rich sex-worker. Does me feeling repulsed by it make me sexist?

[Anonymous]

My girlfriend of 4 months is SUPER rich. It confused me as she is a 19 year old student. She insists on paying for everything when we go out. This in itself bothers me a bit as I love feeling productive and needed. Not being a little boy spoiled by his mommy. Im not saying that I would never marry or date a girl who makes more money than me, this is an extreme case. She eventually revealed to me that her massive income comes from something called "findom". It's something I had never heard of before and all I know is what she and google told me. Girls create alternate social media accounts where they act out and alternate persona baiting men into giving them crazy amounts of money and the guys apparently get off on it like a fetish. It often involves writing very taboo and mean things. My girlfriend says it's all an act but the stuff she writes on that profile must take a lot of creativity and time. It's not outside of the norm of what other "findom" girls write though. Telling guys to spend money on them instead of their wife, emasculating specifically Asian and White men (which is ironic because I'm white lol). It's basically living out some sort of spoiled brat persona these guys have in their head. She even sends these "clients" private videos and photos which she claims are never nude. But it's safe to assume that they are sexual in nature. I can't help but to imagine what this is going to do to her perception of money, sexuality and intimacy long term. Our mutual who it turns out was doing this with her claims I'm being sexist as most people would love to have a boyfriend who makes that much money and takes care of them, regardless of methods. I'm just a nerdy guy with a small social circle who is anything but a sexual deviant. The idea of creepy women paying me for attention does not feel "sexually liberating" etc. The main reason why I was so attracted to my girlfriend was because I saw us as having so much in common. Should I break up with her?

[momomu]

First of all, it's called FEMDOM, not findom. It's not up to you how her job will effect her, she's not a child. If she enjoys her job, then that's how she feels about it, it won't "corrupt" her in the end because she's not naive. However, if you're uncomfortable with her having that job then you should leave her, simply because it would cause resentment to build if you stayed. If you talk to her about how this discomforts you without slutshaming her, then by all means, try to make it work. If not, then simply part ways respectfully.

[Asker]

It's actually called Findom! It's some subgenre of femdom. I'm not super well "educated" on the matter but yeah trust me I didn't make a typo. She has shown me her work social media. Of course what she does is going to change her. All jobs changes a person and I don't see how what she does is going to be a positive influence long term. How is it not going to affect her perception of intimacy? And I dont know how you can say she's not naive, both of us are young and naive. I'm not slutshaming her I can't stop her from doing anything. I feel she already knows I hate it even though I haven't straight up said it. That's probably why she tries to spoil me so much to make me look at her income in a positive way. But I really don't care about the money I hope she knows that she doesn't need all that money to be happy. It just feels so shitty because everything was so good until this and I feel like I'm not going to find another girl who likes me the same way.

[Cmasterson]

If its her job and she's not in anyway stealing from them or whatever without their knowledge then she's doing nothing wrong. To be honest she's making her income at an extreme pace and amount, so if you're curious about what is it that she does exactly then ask her, it clearly is a fetish thing where people participate willingly. So in her eyes its her job and she's able to keep the two separate (relationship and job) so its up to you on deciding what you can handle.

[Asker]

I'm on the autism spectrum and she sort of takes advantage of it by being manipulative. It's therefore very difficult for me to have a genuine conversation about it. She just brushes it all away or insists on buying me things to show how good her income is. I don't care about that sort of stuff I'm not materialistic at all. And I don't know how consensual it is. All the guys that pay her are creepy and lonely. And she told me that it's about trying to get as much money from them as possible while making sure they stay. But I don't actually care about those guys, it's their fault for wasting their money. I just don't understand it at all or why any of those guys would want to do it. She probably sends them nudes and stuff even though she told me that she doesn't.

[sarahhouse]

You can't help the way you feel.
Hey, it's how you feel.

But at the same time, you should be honest with both her and yourself.
If this is gonna be an issue that you can't handle, then call quits.

Personally, I couldn't do it, maintain a relationship like that.
After all, you did say it's "sexual in nature"

But you know you best.
Goodluck.

[Asker]

I just really don't want to break up with her because she's the only girl who has ever been truly interested in me. I just feel so bad after finding out all those things she's doing. Makes me wonder what else I dnt know.

[sarahhouse]

Thats not a good attitude to have, man :/ Look at it this way: If this super sexy girl who has people PAY her to be with them likes you, there's no way other people dont find you attractive, too. Maybe you just don't notice it. You shouldn't be with someone *just* so that you're not on your own :/ And I get that you like her. I'm not judging her for what she does, it's a job that pays the bills just like any other. But she should have told you about this and the fact that she didn't may be a sign for alert.

[Asker]

I am judging her for her job and maybe I am a bad person for doing it or maybe it's reasonable. Our mutual friend is trying to make me feel guilty about by saying it's hypocritical and double standard etc. The thing is men and women (not all!) don't desire the same thing from their partner. I don't want to be infantilezed especially since it already happens a lot as I'm on the autism spectrum. I don't want her to buy me things. She should spend it on herself or invest it, not use it as leverage to persuade me with unwanted gifts. It just makes me more suspicious of her. I don't think I could ever look at her the same way again and that makes me feel so bad. I miss how I used to feel about her. There's nothing I can do that would make her genuinely want to quit doing it. And I have no interest in forcing or guilt tripping her.

[Asker]

I wish her money would make me able to look past her fishy job but it just doesn't.

[sarahhouse]

Do you think you would ever engage in a relationship with her if you knew what she did for a loving BEFORE you guys got together? I'm just trying to figure out what's throwing you off so much, is it the job solely or if there's more to it.

[Asker]

Yeah sorry my last post was almost only about income. I just wanted to show that the income is not going to make me look past the issues. In fact it brings new minor problems (I can deal with those though). And no I would never have dated her if I knew she did that right away. I don't blame her for not telling though because almost all guys would say no if it was presented right away. But some would probably be fine with it if she told them later on. What's throwing me off is the combination of the sexual nature of her job and the fact that she doesn't depend on me in any shape or form. Our relationships power dynamic is completely in favour of her so she has no reason to restrict herself.

[someone1990]

Honestly please dont break up with her she's using it to gain income i doubt she really enjoys it as something fun she's jist using the guys as a way to gain funds it won't mean anything to her ita no different than working in tesco its a job she's with you she's confided in yoh that this is what she's doing therefore she trusts you

[Asker]

I don't want to break up with her because it's rare that I meet a girl who likes me so I can't just ruin it. I don't think her job can be compared to working behind a cash registry.

[someone1990]

It really can DM me & i shall explain further x

[Asker]

Thanks for the offer but I really want to stay anonymous since this whole situation is very embarrassing to me. I use the same username on social media. Maybe you could talk to me here. If not I completely understand.

[someone1990]

I kinda dont wanna write what i have to say here because its personal but i get you wish to stay anonymous too 😄

[socklint]

she is 19 and makng a fortune paying her school, what a smart kid at that age, its none of your business or place to tell her what to do at that age, you ain't married to her, either accept it or move on, your being selfish because you want your little girlfriend to take care of and pay for dinner, stop judging whats right or wrong, im sick of that crap, i wish my exwife did this , maybe she wouldn't have stripped me down to almost a homeless man shopping at dollar stores

[Anon85]

Not at all. It is entirely understandable that you're uncomfortable that your girlfriend is being payed to do anything that sexually please other men. If that makes you sexist then I am too, and so is just about everyone on the planet

[Asker]

Yeah I don't understand why our mutual friend tried to spin it into me being insecure and fragile. Maybe she feels personally attacked because she does it too. I think it's pretty rational for both men and women to be possessive of their partner (in a healthy and mutually enjoyed way).

[Anon85]

It's understandable that someone who did the same thing would condemn the behavior. They don't want to condemn themselves, after all

[Anon85]

*wouldn't

[princess_jenna]

No, you honestly have a right. It’s hard for people to be accepting of that kind of lifestyle and I personally would never be able to be with someone who was in that kind of industry

[Asker]

I mean she claims that she's only going to do it until she is done with school. But I honestly don't see that happening since she's currently making more money than any jobs both of us could get with our educations combined. I just feel very torn because it's rare that I meet a girl who likes me back so I almost feel obligated to stay with her. I just never expected all of this online sex-work stuff you see on the Internet to appear in real life. I would never have dated her (even though she's super sweet to me etc.) If I knew she did that kinda stuff from day 1.

[princess_jenna]

Maybe you should talk to her about it. Tell her it’s bugging you. Get the reassurance.

[Asker]

I have tried to talk to her about it but all she does is baby talk me. Telling me that I don't have to be worried and feel insecure etc. Which isn't even the problem I have with it. I'm on the autism spectrum so it's very difficult for me to have a conversation when she tries to manipulate me into being fine with it and just brushing over what I say. She even bought me a super expensive computer so that I will be fine with it.

[princess_jenna]

Well it is messed up that she is doing that. Manipulation isn’t a good thing in a relationship and you deserve better. I can’t tell you what to do but this is just sounding unhealthy

[Asker]

I don't know how to show my distaste without it getting spun into me being a sexist pig who has a fragile ego. I would be fine with her talking to other men like this if I wasn't dating her. She has the ability to do whatever she wants, she just can't expect me to like it. And I'm not sure I actually do deserve better. This is very likely going to be the best romantic relationship that I'm going to have my whole life. Despite her being emotionally abusive. Thanks for giving me some advice to think about. Have a nice day and I hope you never have to deal with this!

[Helena26]

No its natural we want our partners to be only sexual with us. I don't mind if my boyfriend is flirting, watching porn etc but trying to get another women off I wouldn't accept

[Asker]

I think it gets even worse when she does it for a living because it must surely make you completely immune to the idea of genuine intimacy.

[RobertBaratheon]

No.

It isn't like she is a prostitute though. That's actually fucking hilarious, I would do that shit for money if I could.

I think you are over-reacting, but it isn't sexist.

[Asker]

I just feel like doing that sort of thing day after day must fuck up your perception of intimacy after a while.

[robbenn69]

Hey, take comfort that she isn't doing hard-core porn with horse-cocked porn actors. But I understand, how you feel. I don't think you are so upset with what she does as she kept it hidden from you. Ask yourself this question: if you knew this about her when you first met her, would it bother you? Or if you knew when you first met her, would you still have chose to have her as your girlfriend?

If the answer is no to either of those questions, them you need to end this relationship and move on.

[TacosRAwesome]

I read about it yesterday. She just yells at them and they give her money. Nothing sexual for her. Only for them.

[Asker]

Could you please show/tell me where you read about it? I don't completely trust when my girlfriend talks about it and I feel gross and uncomfortable after googling it too much. From what I understand it differs from girl to girl. My girlfriend is probably in the middle of the spectrum. She sends teasing pictures but nothing way different from what she would post on instagram except for pictures of her feet. I just feel so uncomfortable that she is inviting guys to look at her in a very sexual way wishing they could see her nude. She even had private voice chat conversations with some guys that pay her a lot... but it was with that mutual friend that I mentioned.

[TacosRAwesome]

I don't remember... I think it was Pinterest / tumblr. Random type of thing.

[Asker]

I struggle to find reports on it so to speak. All I really find is all these girls doing its social media. Thanks for the help though!

[TacosRAwesome]

It was one of those did you know things

[xTonyx]

Tbh she sounds awesome

[SleepyOnion]

Break up with her, dude. Trust me on this.

[Asker]

I really really don't want to because I really can't risk losing her. I'm on the autism spectrum which means I have to treasure every girl that is affectionate toward me because there aren't many that would be.

[robbenn69]

Dude, if you are on the Autism spectrum you need to break up with her. There will be someone else.

[Anonymous]

I can understand your point if view but you shouldn't break her heart because she has a fast way to get money to help payment for what she needs besides she said it's not her actual perception on what she does. Does she like you a lot btw?

[Asker]

Yes we are very close. I'm not forcing her to stop doing it all I'm feeling is that she should probably continue doing it without me in her life.

[Opinion Owner]

Well you shouldn't break her heart over it. Give her a chance. And wow the girl who disliked my opinion is dumb

[Asker]

I don't see how it would break her heart.

[Opinion Owner]

There's a few reasons the main one is because she gave trust to you and feels comfortable talking to you and to dumo her would hurt her.

[Asker]

So I should just ignore it and pretend everything is normal?

[Opinion Owner]

I'm not saying you should try and forget about it but you should realize that she's not into it and just because she does it doesn't mean she's an awful person if she doesn't have those feelings you says she has about it

[Asker]

I see it as a pretty bad sign if she is able to disconnect her sexuality from her emotions. I'm not saying she's an awful person I'm just saying that we might not have been as compatible as I first thought. I have lost a lot of attraction for her which is sad because I was super attracted to her before this.

[Opinion Owner]

But you said its temporary right? Also what makes you attracted towards her the most her appearance or her characteristics?

[Asker]

I highly doubt that it's going to be temporary considering how much money she's making. Why would she quit the gig to study for a job that is going to make a fraction of what she makes now (and she is going through extensive education). I'm obviously not less physically attracted to her but I don't look at her the same way when it comes to her personality. I thought she was more innocent and sweet and not as sexually open as she turns out to be. This is going to cause a lot of friction if we date for as long as long as possible. I'm myself very closed minded when it comes to sex and it's very important to match in terms of that regardless of if you are very sexually conservative or more open-minded. The idea of her inviting other guys to fantasise about her even if it's for money is completely repulsive. The money is not a factor she could make 10 times as much or less and it wouldn't phase me.