Was I sexually abused by my mom?

[Anonymous]

I am an adult who's struggling with love life as I've never enjoyed being alone and all I want is a man to cuddle me at night and make me feel safe. No matter who the man is. I went to a counsellor to talk about this matter and she told me, my reactions are mostly impacted by how my parents treated me. So she gave me this homework to identify what went wrong and I need help to understand whether I'm making sense or not. So here's a list of how my parents treated me growing up: - I was homeschooled till junior high, during the whole time I mostly spend everyday in a room with my mom (dad was working) - I never left home without my mom till I was 17 years old. Not even a single step. - My mom would wait for me at school for a whole day and befriend my friends as if they were hers - My dad was just a figure that I never felt existed - My mom is extremely depressive and possessive of me - My parents aren't intimate and my mom is very open to me about their sex life. I know that they dont have sex. And here are some fact that I'm scared to admit to my counsellor. Without knowing why I'm scared. - I watched porn since I was a 9 and was addicted to it. And yes, I watched it in a PC in my mom's room when my mom was around. Dunno whether she realized what I was watching - When I was small I remember my mom would call me to the room (even when a friend is around) to 'check' on my vagina where she'd open it with her bare hands to 'see' whether there's something wrong - My mom told me that she's disgusted with my dad and she told me that "true love is between girls" - My mom would ask me to wash my vagina a lot when I was small. - Till this day I hate it when my mom touches my hair - She never allow me to use an underwear or a bra at home with the reasons that "my body breathes better without them" - My mom gets attached to my boyfriends. As if they were hers. What do you think? Are these signs of sexual abuse? I honestly dont remember much more but I know something's wrong.

[sawno]

Not sure on this one, i wouldn't go as far to say you have been abused or taken advantage off. None of her actions you described sound like direct harm or things against your will at least in the way you have worded this.

From what you described your mom sounds like a Lesbian where she is mostly into girls. It also sounds like she took the oppertunity to see your vagina when she could probably because she enjoyed it, but you did not describe anything that would indicate any kind of force although i do admit that these vagina inspections are quite abnormal and come closest to it.

There is something that worries me about this post, because yes you listed a ton of signs of terrible parrenting and indications your mom can be a sexual abuser even though you listed barely any evidence. As a child i wonder if you knew these inspections where sexual since at that age i wouldn't have had a clue. I also started watching porn at 12 and my parents let me surf the internet freely but it never damaged or change me. Infact none of these things sound troumatising enough to actually cause this kind of fear in you.

So if i where to follow my own logic and we align quite a lot with what we would find traumatizing then i am worried that these aren't the source of your issue but that there are suppressed memories that are far worse then this which can be anything for example witnessing a severe fight between your parents, actual instances of forced sex or you could be wrong altogether and the source of your trouble is something different.

Keep doing what you do, and keep asking questions. The most important lead to follow is why you are doing the things you do. Why does this subject make you feel this way? Is it just being uncomfortable and embarrassed or is there something deeper?

As with anyone you can always send me a PM if you need someone to listen and give you his honest opinions.

[LuckyDutchman]

I mean... It's a little weird... But I don't think it's abuse I think it relates to her being overprotective of you and J guess wanting to make sure your vagina is okay? It seems to me like she genuinely loves you and has something for younger men she can't help. J think the point about your father never really being around is what's making you want a male person in your life that loves you and you can get affection from, which is pretty classic there's many more people that'll tell you the same thing like I'll openly admit I'm kinda like that since my mum passed away when I was still quite young (like 8) so yeah I don't know that's what it looks like to me

[Starshine85]

Woah your mum is very controlling. I don't think she should have looked at your vagina regularly like that.
In a way perhaps porn was your way of escape and rebelling and trying to take a risk when you didn't get much freedom (not being able to take a step outside your house alone... That will have impacted you... As will all of what you said). Just a thought. And the lack of being able to wear a bra too regarding freedom and what many would consider normal.

So many people esp your age want a man to cuddle them but in your case I really am not surprised and I would think it would be a stronger want, having had a mother figure and not really a father figure and some of the negative influence she had on you.

I wouldn't say sexual abuse but definitely controlling borderlining on abuse - with some of her beliefs that were sort of given to you as truths. It sounds like she had a lot of insecurities and kind of took it out on you :(

I'm sorry if you feel it is not my place to say all this and you did ask only one question after all. I just want to share my voice. Perhaps some of it might be something to think about although it sounds like you have had a lot to think about recently. I'm glad you're seeing someone though. I'm not surprised you're not comfortable telling a counsellor some of that. It's good that you could write it down here. Best wishes

[NessyTheMonster]

The only thing that hints to sexual abuse is the fact that she checked on your vagina so often, though it wasn't in a sexual way.
I would advise you to tell everything to your therapist, they'll know the best how to help you.

[iamdesperate]

Perhaps it is due to sex deprivation, she has nor been enjoying sex with your dad, and had lesbian inclination.

[iamdesperate]

Thanks for selecting me one of the MHGs.

[truthbeknown]

I honestly see your mom as total paranoid controlling freak. I don't see any sexual abuse there, very weird, but I think she was just checking it all the time for anything she thought was a problem. If she ever inserted fingers, or tried kissing it, or wanted to lay with your or bathe with you naked as well, then yes, I would lean to towards sexual abuse.

[Debs1]

Whether it is sexual abuse or not it's still definitely abuse the way it sounds like she treated you. She is very controlling, children need to be given space to grow and learn on their own. Can definitely see why how she treated you would impact on your adult relationships

[poiuyrvhgd]

There is some wired stuff in there. Talk to a professional about it.

[RandomStranger133]

I'm sorry. I hope you find someone.

[brettles345]

Thats sad so babe..😕 I read the first part and just had to Finnish reading. I really hope you can brak away from your mother and actually try n get some help for her you need to be strong and dont let her overwhelm you tell her how it is you have a voice and you can ues it too
Best of luck babe

[masterkamasutra]

your mom is seriously depressed.

[John109]

Maybe she is interested in girls and want to have lesbian sex when you are ready.
Maybe she dont want to see boys around you:) and like young dicks