Did I experience sexual assault?

Question

I dated this guy that I rejected at the beginning. We became close again then I started dating him. We became intimate and the first time, I was giving him a bj he actually grabbed me really hard from my hair and pushed my face down on his cock so as to deep throat him. I was caught of guard so my gag reflex made me want to throw up. He grabbed me again and said to do it. I was shaking my head saying no But he pushed me again and the same thing happened. I told him No clearly at this point and he stopped. Fast forward next date, we are having rough sex. When his about to cum he pulls away he ask me to suck it. At this point, I do it but soon as the bitter taste hits my mouth I stopped. He asked me to do it and I said no. At this point he slapped my face three times, grabed my hair. I was in total shock. My ex’s never did that... when he pushed my face down I complied. I pulled back and wanted to spit his cum from my mouth he actually grabbed my face and said « what do you think your doing swallow it »and I did. I froze I didn’t know what to say.. but when he wanted to go round 2 I told him no because he didn’t have anymore condoms. He got pissed and told me « your kidding me right » he blamed me for asking him to come quick to our date cuz I was leaving if he didn’t show up (made me wait an hour and a half ) he distant himself from me saying he needs to control n cool off. We ended it at that and he cuddled, kissed and sweet talked.
But my brain keeps replaying it in my head none stop i told him by text what was bothering me. Im okay with rough but I’m not into the slapping and forced deep throathing and he should communicate with me what his intentions are and listen to what I like also...
His reply was that he felt I was off that day... that I was different and we didn’t connect and that we are not a good match.
So I have been crying none stop even though I’m glade his gone for good. Was I assaulted? is my brain trying to down play it that it’s nothing?

Updates:

+1 y

A detail I forgot to mention is that just beause I scratched his back lightly during the act without doing it on perpous (I had cut my nails) He complained about it like it's the end of the world. plus when I was grabbing his neck playfully to kiss him. He complained again that I will scratch him. he pushed me away and put his own hand on my neck and sad why don't I try making you pass out just for fun... when I pushed his hand away by scrathing him and said NO.. He stopped and laughed

Answer 1

siempreparaiso

Xper 5

OK! THIS IS WHAT I WOULD LIKE TO SAY, ONE CONTROLLING FUCK! You my darling don't ever ever ever let a man abuse you!! When you said "No" first time that should be the end off it! Period!! Yes it's called "sexual abuse, bc you didn't give him no further permission to continue what you were doing " and him forcing you and slapping you is another form of physical abuse, mentally abuse, and making you feel bad and blaming you for his controlling selfishness IT'S A BIG NO NO! It's hard and truma what you had to go through, and it's ok to cry histerical that means you are dealing with the experience you just endure... YOU ARE ONE BRAVE AND STRONG YOUNG WOMAN, It takes a lot of strength and courage to stand up to the over powered asshole who thought he can manipulate you for sex and for his sick desires. I AM PROUD OF YOU, AND YOU DESERVE MUCH MUCH BETTER THAN WHAT YOU HAD IN THIS RELATIONSHIP. You are not at fault, and never listen to what garbage that perpetrator said "you were off" that's something he must say so he can not blame himself for what he knew what he was doing to you. You be the controller when it's becoming to to rough for you to handle or if you don't like something that is not appealing when having sex... same goes for man too... some woman force them to have sex when they don't prefer a certain form of sex; In your case sweetheart, don't ever blame youself, you are in the right, not him. Bless your heart and mind. Remember too, not all man will be like that asshole who betrade your trust. Lots of hugs.🙄 xxxx⚘🍁

Asker

+1 y
I read your comment and you said exactly what one of my friend told me. There is a lot more to what happened the second time we meet but I had to resume it. The first time it felt more like a misunderstanding but he didn'T push it after. But on my second date I felt he was unpredictable and would maybe keep pushing a notch more and more if I stayed with him. What bothers me most is that his friends are actually taking his side. Like i'm crazy and something is wrong with me. I shouldn't care what they think and just move on. But it still hurts to think about it. Mostly when he show's a different personna to the world like he is the good guy.
siempreparaiso

+1 y
Yep! He will do that... all abusers do it so they don't take the blame on themselves, and being over powering and domenating you or someone that they think will be easy to control and make them feel very very small, and making them feel big and over controlling the situation. There's always 2 stories not just one, his buddies only know one and not the other half; it'll take time to get over what you endure sweetheart, not something you want to brag about and have idiots like your ex's friends making you feel worse by them not believin you and think you are crazy, when clearly you are not. Let them talk all they want, and don't let it show that it hurts you in front of them, bc if you do they'll keep on saying crapp around you to others bc they will know it bothers you, but if you don't react to their comments or who said what to you, you can symply reply, "ya., ok whatever" and leave it at that...
siempreparaiso

+1 y
You and him are the only ones who knows what really happened, this is something between him and you. But unfortunately the ex will lie at all cost to avoid his embarrassement to others. You have your rights and that is freedom from abuse of any sorts. You are one extremely strong individual, be proud of yourself it takes courage to stand up for you. Be patients with yourself, this will pass... it just will take time to adjust and have the hurts get over. Keep talking about this situation, the more you talk about it the more it'll get easier on you. Lots of hugs sweetheart. ⚘🍁💐
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siempreparaiso

+1 y
Your new update, was very intriguing. .. that is definitely one mean evil devil! He has to to to many screw loose! He will end up in jail for hurting someone very bad, I know lots and it'll happen very soon; you will be free from your emotions and glad that it didn't happen to you. Keep your chin up, and never let a man control any situation that you are not comfortable in; same goes for some males too... we all deserve the right to be free from cruelty from other human beings. BIG hugs 🌴🍁🍧
Asker

+1 y
Yes I thought it was important to mention this because it was a very unusual reaction even a bid killer like. He has a history of violence in the past when we all where in high school (such a long time ago). I just heard of it now from mutual friends. Funny how these information comes out always when the deed is done and the damage is done. People start opening up about the person in question and start telling there violent past history. He even prides himself of being able to corner a guy who pissed him off and he hit him violently and run. After all these years he still hasn’t grown up technically from high school still has that immature flare...

Answer 2

Asker

I read your comment and you said exactly what one of my friend told me. There is a lot more to what happened the second time we meet but I had to resume it. The first time it felt more like a misunderstanding but he didn'T push it after. But on my second date I felt he was unpredictable and would maybe keep pushing a notch more and more if I stayed with him. What bothers me most is that his friends are actually taking his side. Like i'm crazy and something is wrong with me. I shouldn't care what they think and just move on. But it still hurts to think about it. Mostly when he show's a different personna to the world like he is the good guy.

Answer 3

siempreparaiso

Yep! He will do that... all abusers do it so they don't take the blame on themselves, and being over powering and domenating you or someone that they think will be easy to control and make them feel very very small, and making them feel big and over controlling the situation. There's always 2 stories not just one, his buddies only know one and not the other half; it'll take time to get over what you endure sweetheart, not something you want to brag about and have idiots like your ex's friends making you feel worse by them not believin you and think you are crazy, when clearly you are not. Let them talk all they want, and don't let it show that it hurts you in front of them, bc if you do they'll keep on saying crapp around you to others bc they will know it bothers you, but if you don't react to their comments or who said what to you, you can symply reply, "ya., ok whatever" and leave it at that...

Answer 4

siempreparaiso

You and him are the only ones who knows what really happened, this is something between him and you. But unfortunately the ex will lie at all cost to avoid his embarrassement to others. You have your rights and that is freedom from abuse of any sorts. You are one extremely strong individual, be proud of yourself it takes courage to stand up for you. Be patients with yourself, this will pass... it just will take time to adjust and have the hurts get over. Keep talking about this situation, the more you talk about it the more it'll get easier on you. Lots of hugs sweetheart. ⚘🍁💐

Answer 5

siempreparaiso

Your new update, was very intriguing. .. that is definitely one mean evil devil! He has to to to many screw loose! He will end up in jail for hurting someone very bad, I know lots and it'll happen very soon; you will be free from your emotions and glad that it didn't happen to you. Keep your chin up, and never let a man control any situation that you are not comfortable in; same goes for some males too... we all deserve the right to be free from cruelty from other human beings. BIG hugs 🌴🍁🍧

Answer 6

Asker

Yes I thought it was important to mention this because it was a very unusual reaction even a bid killer like. He has a history of violence in the past when we all where in high school (such a long time ago). I just heard of it now from mutual friends. Funny how these information comes out always when the deed is done and the damage is done. People start opening up about the person in question and start telling there violent past history. He even prides himself of being able to corner a guy who pissed him off and he hit him violently and run. After all these years he still hasn’t grown up technically from high school still has that immature flare...

Answer 7

Leimarie | 330 opinions shared on Sexuality topic.

Yoda

You said no. He persisted. Long story short, yes you were sexually assaulted since he did not have consent during the times in which you clearly were saying no. You should consider filing a report against him so he will not do this in the future to others.

Leimarie

+1 y
May I ask why you continued to see this man after that first encounter?
Asker

+1 y
I’m not seeing him. We went our different ways without to much talk. I downplayed it the first time he forced me to saying to myself that maybe he didn’t get it at first. But our second date was worse... and I stopped seeing him right after
Leimarie

+1 y
Oh ok. Glad to hear you’re not with this guy anymore. Hope you will find a better one if you haven’t already. ✌🏻

Answer 8

Leimarie

May I ask why you continued to see this man after that first encounter?

Answer 9

Asker

I’m not seeing him. We went our different ways without to much talk. I downplayed it the first time he forced me to saying to myself that maybe he didn’t get it at first. But our second date was worse... and I stopped seeing him right after

Answer 10

Leimarie

Oh ok. Glad to hear you’re not with this guy anymore. Hope you will find a better one if you haven’t already. ✌🏻

Answer 11

ladycrimson

Xper 4

Oh god honey, yes that's assault, the forceful stuff and making you do things you try not to isn't ever okay unless it's something you specifically agreed to. I'm so sorry, this wasn't okay

Answer 12

TekkenTagBattle4

Xper 3

Legally no you are not sexually assaulted both times that you were in sexual contact with this young man was consensual and tell you said no I don't believe any jury would convict at young man of sexual assault. Secondly if we're going by moral values yes I would call after he assaulted You by physically striking you because you refuse to do a sexual act I would call that assault and I would say that if he forced you to do something after that it would be considered sexual assault I just know that in this country we are really particular about how we look at that type of behavior. And I just don't find that a jury would convict him of that crime. Maybe the assault after on the second date which I don't know why you gave to him but I particularly just don't know if a jury would be able to convict based on Reasonable Doubt and the fact that the occurrence happened more than once and you allowed it. That doesn't go to say that you are wrong for feeling that way I want to make that clear

Answer 13

IcyLemonade

Xper 3

No def means no, but it seems like as far as rough sex goes, no is a turn on. I think the guy is a douche and unsafe. However, I think somewhere along the way, thered were mixed signasls on ehat was allowed. You should have had a safe word or something. And why did you go on a SECOND date? It sounds like this guy has emotionally traumatized you. Get as far away from him as possible. And next time you want to have rough sex, negotiate beforehand so you're not surprised at anything too rough or unpleasant.

Answer 14

quietman4875

Xper 4

He sounds very controlling and abusive you a much better off without him. He's the type that someday if he gets married will be a wife beater and if he has kids he'll probably abuse them as well. That type cares only about themselves other people are just objects to control to people like that.

quietman4875

+1 y
Thanks for the MHO!

Answer 15

quietman4875

Thanks for the MHO!

Answer 16

FýrdracaDócincel | 1.7K opinions shared on Sexuality topic.

Guru

I'd say yeah you did.

As a guy, I don't blame him for being persistent. But there came a point where you obviously needed to stop. He should have backed off then.

Answer 17

Anonymous

Imagine being a guy and going to the jail for 7 years because his women wasn't even sure - if was she sexually assaulted or not? The poll said yes so Yes it was

Answer 18

Iontanker

Xper 2

What the guy did was unacceptable I've told ex friends to get lost cause of that stuff and girl communication is first as trust is for any relationship no matter what. And girl always have a plan for a bad occasion like that i learnt how to restrain people cause I kept getting in abusive relationships myself and I really hate causing pain. But anyways I hoped this helped you out and don't forget your never alone when you reach out

Asker

+1 y
reading your comment, I have a question for you. ex.:If the girl who dated your friend told you out of the blues that she got abused by your friend. What would you say to her and what would you do with this information. Im asking this because I talked unexpectedly to his friend who is also my friend but not as close. He asked me why or who did this to you and I plainly told him what his friend did. He reacted by saying that honestly he doesn't like to get himself mingled in buisness that doesn't concern him. I wasn't asking for him to do anything just answering his question. I found his answer really odd.
Iontanker

+1 y
I would ask for as much info as possible about what happened and go and talk to my friend and do my best to resolve it and if not no more friendship with him... or take matters in my own hands
Iontanker

+1 y
And when I say take matter in my own hands I mean a way with no violence
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Asker

+1 y
Okay I see what you mean. Feels good to know that there still exist people who want to resolve things. Not like always taking side of your long time bro. Or just pretend it never happened and not get involved to even make him acknowledge that this kind of behaviour is toxic.

Answer 19

Asker

reading your comment, I have a question for you. ex.:If the girl who dated your friend told you out of the blues that she got abused by your friend. What would you say to her and what would you do with this information. Im asking this because I talked unexpectedly to his friend who is also my friend but not as close. He asked me why or who did this to you and I plainly told him what his friend did. He reacted by saying that honestly he doesn't like to get himself mingled in buisness that doesn't concern him. I wasn't asking for him to do anything just answering his question. I found his answer really odd.

Answer 20

Iontanker

I would ask for as much info as possible about what happened and go and talk to my friend and do my best to resolve it and if not no more friendship with him... or take matters in my own hands

Answer 21

Iontanker

And when I say take matter in my own hands I mean a way with no violence

Answer 22

Asker

Okay I see what you mean. Feels good to know that there still exist people who want to resolve things. Not like always taking side of your long time bro. Or just pretend it never happened and not get involved to even make him acknowledge that this kind of behaviour is toxic.

Answer 23

WickedIsGood

Xper 5

You dud, and need to report thus so the fucker doesn't do it to another girl.

Answer 24

Hannajenky | 3.1K opinions shared on Sexuality topic.

Guru

That sounds like terrible sex but it is not assault.

Hannajenky

+1 y
It creeps me out that so many women believe this is sexual assault. Makes me question the #metoo hashtag. This is bad sex with a creep. This is not assault. Because you said you didn't want to go out but then he asked again and you went out, you did not reject him. You agreed to go out with him. You agreed to have sex with him. He was more rough than you would have liked but you had sex witg him again afterwards. This is not sexual assault. Feminists are idiots.
Asker

+1 y
I'm actually starting to question what you are saying. Thanks for labeling me as a feminist.
by the way, I just checked in with a local community center to get some insight (I live in Canada). They told me straight up I got assault even though I agreed on a date with him and to sleep with him. I had not agreed to be slapped, or strangled/choked for fun or my face pushed forcfully on his dick while I was giving him bj. He is really unpredictable and doesn't discuss what he will do before hand. He even said subtle things like ''I'm afraid to break you, you're like a doll... should I choke you and make you pass out for fun''. He went too far and didn't stop until I do what he asked. I wouldn't be surprised if he even raped someone in the past. it's sucks that I couldn't put more details in the description because of word counts. But a lot of other commentators kind of understood what I meant.
Hannajenky

+1 y
Bad sex is not assault. Maybe you have more laws in Canada but im pretty sure that is not assault in most places of the world. I also dont believe drunk sex is assault unless you are completely passed out. I have made some really dumb decisions in my life, but i have also been assaulted. Im sorry if you feel otherwise but this sounds like terrible sex to me. L
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Asker

+1 y
Yes laws are different in Canada, they gave me a local police pamphlet and it states that sexual assault is not limited to only rape (the form of rape known in general). It is any act that pressures you into doing something of sexual nature that you don't want to do. Being slapped in order to comply to suck someone's dick is actually one. It's not bad sex hun. I never got slapped by a man in any case before... and for me it's not acceptable to raise as much of a finger on anyone.
Hannajenky

+1 y
I just believe that if we as women dont take responsibility for the situations we put ourselves into then in the end it doesn't matter whether you were assaulted in this case, because you will put all the blame on the man and not take ang responsibility for your actions in this situation. If you yourself are not even sure if it was assault then i am guessing that it was not assault. When i was assaulted there was no doubt in my mind. I have however put myself in regretful situations that were not assault. I am not a victim, but if you need some experience you can use to claim victimhood status, here is your chance. But you will not improve your actual life or living conditions until You take responsibility for your actions, most especially when it comes to your own sexuality. It is not the governments job to take care of you and police your relationships. That is your job.

Answer 25

Hannajenky

It creeps me out that so many women believe this is sexual assault. Makes me question the #metoo hashtag. This is bad sex with a creep. This is not assault. Because you said you didn't want to go out but then he asked again and you went out, you did not reject him. You agreed to go out with him. You agreed to have sex with him. He was more rough than you would have liked but you had sex witg him again afterwards. This is not sexual assault. Feminists are idiots.

Answer 26

Asker

I'm actually starting to question what you are saying. Thanks for labeling me as a feminist.
by the way, I just checked in with a local community center to get some insight (I live in Canada). They told me straight up I got assault even though I agreed on a date with him and to sleep with him. I had not agreed to be slapped, or strangled/choked for fun or my face pushed forcfully on his dick while I was giving him bj. He is really unpredictable and doesn't discuss what he will do before hand. He even said subtle things like ''I'm afraid to break you, you're like a doll... should I choke you and make you pass out for fun''. He went too far and didn't stop until I do what he asked. I wouldn't be surprised if he even raped someone in the past. it's sucks that I couldn't put more details in the description because of word counts. But a lot of other commentators kind of understood what I meant.

Answer 27

Hannajenky

Bad sex is not assault. Maybe you have more laws in Canada but im pretty sure that is not assault in most places of the world. I also dont believe drunk sex is assault unless you are completely passed out. I have made some really dumb decisions in my life, but i have also been assaulted. Im sorry if you feel otherwise but this sounds like terrible sex to me. L

Answer 28

Asker

Yes laws are different in Canada, they gave me a local police pamphlet and it states that sexual assault is not limited to only rape (the form of rape known in general). It is any act that pressures you into doing something of sexual nature that you don't want to do. Being slapped in order to comply to suck someone's dick is actually one. It's not bad sex hun. I never got slapped by a man in any case before... and for me it's not acceptable to raise as much of a finger on anyone.

Answer 29

Hannajenky

I just believe that if we as women dont take responsibility for the situations we put ourselves into then in the end it doesn't matter whether you were assaulted in this case, because you will put all the blame on the man and not take ang responsibility for your actions in this situation. If you yourself are not even sure if it was assault then i am guessing that it was not assault. When i was assaulted there was no doubt in my mind. I have however put myself in regretful situations that were not assault. I am not a victim, but if you need some experience you can use to claim victimhood status, here is your chance. But you will not improve your actual life or living conditions until You take responsibility for your actions, most especially when it comes to your own sexuality. It is not the governments job to take care of you and police your relationships. That is your job.

Answer 30

Anonymous

Yes, you are. A guy who don't respect your will is not worth crying for…

Answer 31

Anonymous

NO MEANS NO! If you did not want that, then yes your were assaulted. I would'nt bother pressing charges. Maybe go to a therapist?

Answer 32

cephusbo

Xper 1

Yeah I think you were he cared a little bit too far he was just seeing how far he could actually push you

Answer 33

Nice222 | 2.6K opinions shared on Sexuality topic.

Yoda

I’m glad that you ended it with him but I would not call it sexual assault. I would call him a asshole though.

Answer 34

nightblade

Xper 2

Why the hell did you go back for a second date after the way he treated you on the first date? you're an idiot ( no offense )

Answer 35

bigazz

Xper 5

Yes you were. If you were pulling away and shaking your head and he knew you didn't like it or want it then that is a form of rape. Sorry but Why on earth go on a second date with such a dickhead?

siempreparaiso

+1 y
Not all of us are perfect, right. Sometimes the abuser will talk sweetly into trying again and see that the person can give him/her a second date, so of course that person will believe in giving it another try bc he/she has been giving his or her word that it'll be not thesame as the first date. But the trust has been violated and therefore it's not his or her fault by any means that by seeking another date would have made you think it would turn out to be even worse than the first one. No matter who you are in the world, we as human have a responsibility in not treating others by controlling, and we have a bigger responsibility in accepting our own consequences when being cought in our wrong doings. Best regards

Answer 36

siempreparaiso

Not all of us are perfect, right. Sometimes the abuser will talk sweetly into trying again and see that the person can give him/her a second date, so of course that person will believe in giving it another try bc he/she has been giving his or her word that it'll be not thesame as the first date. But the trust has been violated and therefore it's not his or her fault by any means that by seeking another date would have made you think it would turn out to be even worse than the first one. No matter who you are in the world, we as human have a responsibility in not treating others by controlling, and we have a bigger responsibility in accepting our own consequences when being cought in our wrong doings. Best regards

Answer 37

winterfox10

Master

Assaulted? No... but you were definitely abused. This guy sounds scary...

Asker

+1 y
He hides behind a nice guy persona slash hot shot. We have the same circle of friends and I know right now that he called me crazy to To the other guys already. I learned he had problems with the law in the past.

I’m curious to know what you would define as assault?
winterfox10

+1 y
Well he gets really rough with you, but when you put your foot down, and told him no, he stopped. For him to have sexually assaulted you, he would have needed to exploit you in a vulnerable state, or simply disregarded your wishes entirely. He just pushed you around too far.
winterfox10

+1 y
I'm sorry to hear that you're dealing with one of those... I hope the situation works out for you.

Answer 38

Asker

He hides behind a nice guy persona slash hot shot. We have the same circle of friends and I know right now that he called me crazy to To the other guys already. I learned he had problems with the law in the past.

I’m curious to know what you would define as assault?

Answer 39

winterfox10

Well he gets really rough with you, but when you put your foot down, and told him no, he stopped. For him to have sexually assaulted you, he would have needed to exploit you in a vulnerable state, or simply disregarded your wishes entirely. He just pushed you around too far.

Answer 40

winterfox10

I'm sorry to hear that you're dealing with one of those... I hope the situation works out for you.

Answer 41

Joe12

Xper 5

It's what you allowed since you followed through with the second date, and not to mention rough sex, I believe there is always smacking, lashing, slapping all that weird fetish stuff

siempreparaiso

+1 y
Are you one of them too? Should you be reported? Treat others how you want to be treated, and accept the fact if it was you you wouldn't like it, even worse if it happened to someone YOU DEARLY CARED ABOUT in your life you wouldn't be just standing you will fight for them... stranger or not no one deserves to be subjected to being force in doing something that you don't want, even if it's your second, third, fourth, date and being rough is great but if it goes to far where you are saying time out, then respect that person's request bc that's just the right thing to do for anyone who is a normal human being. If you think you can say it was the individuals fault for allowing it to happen on the second time, I hope that you don't hurt someone very bad, all bc of your poor judgement. Hope for the best for you, and be careful what you do, it'll come and hunt you for the rest of your life, no freedom from jail sweets.

Answer 42

siempreparaiso

Are you one of them too? Should you be reported? Treat others how you want to be treated, and accept the fact if it was you you wouldn't like it, even worse if it happened to someone YOU DEARLY CARED ABOUT in your life you wouldn't be just standing you will fight for them... stranger or not no one deserves to be subjected to being force in doing something that you don't want, even if it's your second, third, fourth, date and being rough is great but if it goes to far where you are saying time out, then respect that person's request bc that's just the right thing to do for anyone who is a normal human being. If you think you can say it was the individuals fault for allowing it to happen on the second time, I hope that you don't hurt someone very bad, all bc of your poor judgement. Hope for the best for you, and be careful what you do, it'll come and hunt you for the rest of your life, no freedom from jail sweets.

Answer 43

AzureSpatula

Xper 2

Yes, you did. That's not okay, and he obviously has problems. A bad day is feeling tired or maybe being argumentative or irritable. Slapping, force, controlling behavior obviously without your consent- all forms of sexual assault.

Answer 44

VoluptuousBrunette

Xper 4

You were assaulted... you need to leave him alone.

Answer 45

MrDustintun | 73 opinions shared on Sexuality topic.

Xper 4

Yes you were since it wasn't agreed upon

Answer 46

chrissurvivor | 62 opinions shared on Sexuality topic.

Xper 6

Yes you did

Did I experience sexual assault?

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