All the signs of sex addiction are there... how do I get him to admit he has a problem?

[Anonymous]

So I've been in an exclusive friends with benefits situation for 4 months. We're both very attractive, actual friends coming out of ltr's, have kids, and work full time. Its convenient for the both of us as we have to take things slow. We meet once or twice a week.
There are all these signs that point to him sleeping with other women, but he refuses to admit it. I honestly think he may be a sex addict, and is afraid of my reaction. I left condoms at his house, which he said he threw away by mistake (come on!), he always asks to see me and then cancels last minute, the last time I was at his place I picked up the ashtray and he immediately took it and dumped it in the trash, and then proceeded to tell me his male friend was over for lunch (which made me realize he empties it every time), he's definitely got intimacy/control issues which are apparent in the bedroom. I know he's been on sex sites because he was looking for another girl to join us for a threesome, so I feel he may be meeting strangers now. He jokingly said he was a sex addict and I don't think he even realized I heard him, but I genuinely feel its a problem for him.
If it were any other man, I'd run! But we are friends first and I really care about him. We were talking daily until i asked if he was seeing other women. He said no, then went silent. We've only talked once in the last week. I apologized for asking, but somethings off. I genuinely care about him as a friend and want him to open up to me. I want to help him through this, but I can't do that if he won't admit there's a problem. I don't even know where to begin.
I realize that if he truly is an addict, sex between the two of us would be off the table during recovery, and I fully accept that. He really doesn't have anyone else he could talk to about this. His family is so fucked up, and I know he wouldn't want his close friends knowing. So I guess what I'm really asking is how do I go about opening this can of worms?

[Heclingybad]

Fuck buddies? You sound like you in a relationship. Had to take a look into your window because of your mention of 🎉hyper sexuality 🎉 one or two times a week of sex? Tbh I never heard any guy ever said they turned down sex and don’t constantly want sex the until I joined this site, I've been on other sites and this is the only one. So if you think one or two times a week is enough you should ask him how much times a week would he really like to have sex? One or two times a week is probably good for you but not a guy.

[Asker]

To be honest, I'd prefer it daily. But in our situation its just not possible. Between kids and work, I just don't have that much time. He on the other hand has 50/50 custody, so he has a little more free time. Not so much worried about him "cheating", but it seems to be becoming a problem for him... hence my question. Just trying to get ideas on getting him to open up.

[eziegler81]

Bringing up an addiction problem to an addict never works out well. If you consider him to be a good friend of yours, then you may want to bring it up or talk to him about it. He may have an underlying issue that is not sex addiction, but uses sex to fill a gap somewhere else.

[Asker]

Yeah, that's basically where sex addiction stems from... some underlying psychological condition in which sex becomes a way to numb or distract from the actual problem. Knowing his family, I'm sure there's a lot more to his story.

[errez]

May i ask what is sex addiction and what are the effects of it? What are the consequences?
And also, are you planning on institutionalizing your relationship? If not, what are you worry about?

[Asker]

Sex addiction is diagnosed when a person can't control their sexual urges despite the consequences of their relationships, careers, etc. It's also known as an intimacy disorder. These people usually have a hard time connecting on any other level than sexual. When their impulses start to take over their lives and damage other areas of their lives, it becomes an addiction. Most of them have physiological issues and the root causes can be traced back to early childhood. I realize that there are a lot of men who use sexual addiction as an excuse for bad behavior, but there are those who actually cannot control it. He's not using sex addiction as an excuse, he's hiding his behavior. The reason I care is because he was my friend before we started anything sexual, and whether we ever institutionalize our relationship or not is immaterial. That's the furthest thing from my mind right now. He's a single father as well, so I worry about their safety and the potential consequences.

[errez]

So you're afraid that it'll damage his career, might make him to damage his children, and affect his ability to communicate with women in any unsexual level?

[Asker]

Im mainly worried about his child, and the repercussions it could have. Like I said, we were friends long before any of this started, so a relationship is the last thing on my mind. I genuinely care about him and his child. If word were to get out, if he were to somehow get into legal trouble, or a dangerous situation that put his child at risk it would be devastating. His child means the world to him. As a former addict (not sex) I understand how addiction works and the control it can have over one's life. I know what its like to feel trapped... buried under so much guilt and shame that you can't fathom anyone understanding. There are those that don't believe in sex addiction despite evidence proving otherwise, but im not here to argue the validity of the condition. I'm here because I'm trying to help a friend whom i care deeply about. There are some more personal details i chose not to post (to ensure we both remain anonymous) but I'm certain he needs help.

[errez]

Well, assuming that you are right, and he is addicted to sex, I think that the first step would be his awareness of this addiction. After that, you should allow him to feel safe to share it with someone (not just you). Then, let him know that there are ways to handle this addiction, without harming his life as he know it, damaging his masculinity, or decrease his enjoyment of sex/limit the number of times he could have sex with women... This is truly terrifying thing, to be stripped of you manhood because you like sex.

[Asker]

My goal is simply to get him to open up enough to acknowledge that he may have a problem. Obviously i wouldn't feel comfortable being his only means of support as I'm not qualified to handle this kind of thing. A psychologist or someone who specializes in sex addiction would be better equipped to treat his disorder without "stripping him of his masculinity".

[wilco999]

Admirable that you are willing to let go of your only sexual partner for the sake of his own addiction

[outside_Toronto]

Don't open it. You're wasting your time.

[OfDeath]

His male friend probably did cum-over if you catch my waft

[Asker]

Haha. Very possible.

[OfDeath]

Would that make you feel better or worse than if it was another human of the feminine persuasion?

[Asker]

Neither. I don't want to get into too many details, but I'll just say its a possibility. I naturally assume its women, but knowing his past it could be either. Honestly, i just realized that could be his way of justifying his behavior. I asked if he was seeing other women, not men. So in his mind he didn't lie to me. The gender really isn't the issue though. I'm sincerely worried about him and the safety of his child.

[OfDeath]

Fair enough

[ronaldd]

Tell him everything about his behaviour

[Asker]

It's hard because he shuts down at the first sign of conflict. I'm a very calm, rational person and hate any sort of drama myself, so I always approach things calmly but I think he still gets scared. I'm sure he feels a lot of guilt and shame, but im not here to judge him. I thought about just telling him he could talk to me about anything without judgement... Just let him know I'm here, you know? I realize he's not going to open up until he's ready. Maybe flat out asking him was the wrong approach. I did say that he was free to do as he pleased and make whatever choices suit him, but I couldn't stay knowing I was one of many. I was a little tipsy and just realizing what was going on, so i didn't take the time to think about my words.

[TheWombRaider]

lol so let me get this straight u say a man has a sex addiction problem lol ur funny

[Asker]

I don't find it funny. Not in the least. If you're willing to meet strangers for sex, completely disregarding the safety of your child, there's a problem. You never know what kind of people are out there and I worry. I didn't post a question to be mocked. I'm genuinely looking for advice on getting him to open up because he doesn't have anyone else to talk to about this.

[thegr8lion]

Tell him on face what you feel