Sexual Relationships
+1 y

Is this a messed up BDSM relationship? Help me; Doms, Subs and Mistresses?

So, recently I got into a more real BDSM relationship. Though, I've been in one prior to this, but I feel like this relationship is more abusive. He seems to want control ALL the time. I've had a new fantasy of being a "Switch" and tying him down because he's making me angry. I don't want that fantasy to pop up in my mind... but I cannot handle not having any control. If I'm correct, the submissive is supposed to have a say in what or how she likes something. If my limit had anal sex on the list and he does me anally... isn't that kinda fucked up? I am into moderate BDSM. I don't know how to get out of this relationship because I'm afraid he might hurt me if I try to break up with him in person. He calls me names when we are NOT in the bedroom and rarely does anything with me except have sex or lay around. I have no idea what his intentions are... but I know he does not respect me. If I try to tell my concerns or input... like a creep he says, "I do what I please." AH!! Is this how a Master/Slave relationship is? I thought I knew who I was... but this is NOT what I signed up for! Help me!!! I ended up telling my Dad that I really liked him... but now I regret that... because I realized this dude is really bad news and is not a Dom at all... but an abuser! :'( We've only been going out for a short while and he says I can't date any other guys... but I can mess with girls. Though, he says if I DID do something with a girl... HE would get to fuck other girls. Is this fucked up, even for BDSM? HELP Doms, Subs, Masters etc!
Updates:
+1 y
I ended it... this was SUCH a BAD START to a relationship! Thanks for everything... all of you were there for me! <3 I guess SOME strangers you CAN trust... like all you! <3
0 1

Most Helpful Girls

  • You are absolutely right that he is using BDSM as an excuse to abuse you. BDSM is all about safe, sane, and CONSENSUAL, which he is absolutely not doing. If you have a limit of no anal then he 100% should be respecting that. D/s relationships are not about one party having all the control. It's about discussing and allowing one party to give the other party certain amounts of control that they are both comfortable with. Many kink communities hate these types of "Dom-wannabes" because they do not represent what a healthy D/s relationship is supposed to be and scare off inexperienced subs that don't know what's normal and may be too scared to ask.

    • Thank you so much! I'm glad I ended it!

  • It's possible he IS just a dom, because some of them do expect a relationship where they are 100% in control, in and out of the bedroom. The fucked up thing is that he seems to have assumed that's how you want it too instead of asking for express consent in the matter before launching into that lifestyle. If that's not what you want, then you need to sit down and talk with him at a non-sexual time and tell him so, and if he refuses, then you should just let go of the relationship and cut contact.

  • WTF you're clearly past enjoying it and are getting abused, this ain't just bdsm anymore.
    Break up with him OVER TEXT. Then block him.
    DO NOT do it in person as your fears of him hurting you are legitimate.
    Gtfo, i dont understand why you haven't done this already love, respect yourself, you dont need that creep. Get out now!
    Message him now that it's over because of all this bullshit he does to you!

    • AHHH IM GLAD YOU ENDED IT :') Proud of you👏 Congrats

  • In my opinion, this is not BDSM because a master and slave relationship has to be safe. Yes, in a BDSM relationship there has have a bit of pain but this guy sounds like he is abusing the rule of pain. The worst thing is that he is not respecting you in any way. Which is a big no no! I suggest leaving him before he does anything bad to you.

Most Helpful Guys

  • The level to which a BDSM relationship reaches depends on the couple. Some like 24/7, some are just in the bedroom. I think that's something you need to establish.
    But yes, there should still be consent in a BDSM unless you're involved in TPE but usually people sign a contract before doing that.
    People often get abuse and BDSM mixed up, which is a shame because it gives the community a bad name. You need to tell him that your limits need to be respected because if you can't trust him, them your relationship is doomed to fail and you'll never know when he might cross a line that there's no coming back from

  • Well what you need to do RUN. Don't worry about him or his bully attitude. Tell your dad you broke up with him. And ask your dad to not let him come to your home. Two. This is mind control. He is not using BDSM. He is calling it that to rape you and later tell cops it was all sex game. Please stay the hell away from him. No man is better the an absurd abuser. This is Warning your life is at risk. Same thing happen to an former ex girlfriend of mine. She called me 3am to help her run from a house her so called boyfriend was abusing her in. I took her to nearby hospital. Cops were called for rape.

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What Girls & Guys Said

7 10

  • Yeah that’s abuse. You need to get out of it ASAP

  • They're supposed to respect hard limits and things you don't wanna do. But as far as being bossy yes that's what they do. That's the kink of being a dom is telling the submissive what to do

  • That guy is using bdsm as an excuse. Run.

  • Just for clarification, you were in a kind of Master\slave relationship, where the Master (the jerk) is in full control and does what he wants.
    You want to be in a Dom\sub relationship where the sub has a say in what goes on.
    Be careful what you jump into, there are a lot of not so good people out there. We love you too.

  • No that's one messed up one. You need to find a new Dom.

    The basis of bdsm is mutual consent. It's a sub genre of role playing that gone into really detailed. So in a sense you are both acting and both like your roles a lot.

    • Thank you, Sir.

  • Yee it's not a BDSM relationship. Sever all contact

    • I couldn't even wait a day... I ended it a few hours ago! :)

    • Oh well that's good and decisive.

  • No this is very wrong and you should probably get away. Try the police and a restraining order because even to me that is fucked up. Don't let him know about it because he might actually have some bad intentions. Good luck.

  • that's not bdsm it's abuse. bdsm has defined limits, safewords and is about respect. leave him, tell your dad you were wrong

  • I'm here late, but I'm glad you got out of it. Remember you are ALWAYS in control as a sub, it's up to you to relinquish that control to your done.

  • Big difference between abuse and power exchange. This sounds like abuse. Lack of consent on your part brings it from safe, sane and consensual to possibly rape. Leave go now after you read this, and never look back. If he follows press rape charges, leave him a note that says goodbye and that you never want to see his rapist ass again, he'll get the hint.

  • Thats not BDSM, that's domestic violence. Breakup with him immediately. My girl and I are in a BDSM relationship. It's no where like that

  • This isn't good for you if you want to talk to me again about it we can I'm here to talk

  • By your discription, your assessment of the situation is correct, the guy is an abuser and possibly a control freak.

    I would advice getting away from that situation as fast as you can. Remember no one really has control of you, except what you allow.

    • Good job on making the choice to get out.

    • Thank you, Sir! He was mean until the end, too! Told me that I can't control myself... ugh what an asshole.

    • Sounds like he was more of a dimwit than he was worth. You never treat a sub that way.

    • Show All

  • This isn't a BDSM relationship. It's an abusive relationship. Get out now!

  • This is why it is so important to have a safe word! Please confide in someone who can help you get out of this safely as soon as possible. Staying in this relationship will do a lot more damage than getting out of it.

  • Damn he manipulated the shot out of you. Just leave his ass alone. Get pepper spray and a pocket knife break up with his Ass over the phone block him. And if he comes by your house get a restraining order.

  • Most people who enter these kinds of 24/7 D/s relationships are damaged people. This guy very clearly is, and I'd have a good look at yourself too for staying because you know this isn't normal at all. You need to find someone to help you to leave. If you tell your Dad that the guy is abusive he'll probably protect you, unless he's a pussy as well as your boyfriend.

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