Was I technically raped?

[Anonymous]

I recently had a conversation with a friend over FB about anal sex experiences and when I recounted the second time I ever had anal my description came out kinda disturbing. I was having it with my then-boyfriend a couple of years ago.

He had an incorrect mindset about anal sex. The first time, I involuntarily yelped in pain and his anger and frustration shown in his voice when he said to me "it's anal! it's going to hurt!" (it was like "you're an idiot for not realizing that").

It became extremely painful, one of the worst pains I ever felt in my life and when I told him to take it out (I was clear enough, he could hear me). I could hear the pain and panic in my voice. He didn't take it out. He continued in a way he thought wouldn't be painful for me it seemed. I don't know exactly was going on in his mind. Regardless, it was still incredibly painful. He was completely on top of me, lying flat down and I couldn't do anything. I can't remember exactly how long the pain lasted, only seconds but I still remember how severely painful it was in those seconds. The pain became more bearable so I didn't need him to stop anymore. Eventually, he did take it out, I think he got sick of me not being able to do it without me yelping and then, without asking me, went to put it inside of my vagina which is absolutely disgusting. When I told to take whatever he had already put in OUT he got angry at me and furiously got off me and rolled over on his side facing away from me. It was a really horrible night.

This is how it happened. I've been so confused ever since I typed out what happened. My friend told me that is technically rape and another friend who I spoke to told me it's flat-out rape.

I'm not traumatized or anything. I have that horrible memory and these feelings of confusion.

How would you feel if you're partner didn't stop when you asked them to? Would you feel guilty if you didn't stop when you were asked to?

[nightdrot]

Forced sex, anal or vaginal, is rape.

This does not seem to be quite that in the sense that you were voluntarily having sex with him. You asked him to stop and he did - so purely in the legal sense it is a gray area. (Let's put it this way, depending on the jurisdiction, you don't truly have an "open and shut" case, but you do have a strong case.)

However, not really the point. Honestly, I would just describe this as a very bad sexual experience with a boorish - and potentially violent - clod.

Be that as it may, you should never be expected to endure that. My girlfriend enjoys being submissive and she accepts a certain level of - for lack of a better term - wildness in our sex. However, I love her and I know - and if I don't, she will tell me - where to draw the lines. If I EVER crossed those lines - especially if she told me I was crossing that line - I could never ever forgive myself.

Arguably you more abused than raped, but in practice that amounts to a distinction without a difference. I genuinely feel for you and am very glad that you do not feel traumatized.

As to being confused, that is understandable - sex even when it is mutual and loving can be bewildering emotionally. However, your starting point - as much as you want to give yourself to the other person - should be that he respects you and recognizes your boundaries.

He crossed that line and that is not acceptable. I am so glad you are okay. You sound like a wonderful gal and I hope you find someone who will love you - and make love to you - in the way you deserve.

[roland77]

Also oral as penetration happens in mouth, too. Er, can we males be raped by forcibly licking a pussy? Judicially maybe (no lawyer here) but how is that technically... er, wait! Forced face-sitting! Got it.

[nightdrot]

@roland77 Sorry. I apologize but I cannot make out what you were trying to say. Please clarify. (For what it is worth, the law in this area tends to be somewhat variable by jurisdiction - there is no specific Federal law dealing with rape, molestation and harassment. Also, women and men, for obvious reasons, are treated somewhat differently, though cases of rape and assault against men are not unknown.)

[roland77]

I'm no lawyer, to be honest. And if oral penetration (penis/sex-toy in mouth) is without consent, it is rape in mouth as I understand the Wikipedia description (no law book, for sure). Then next I thought about women raping us through forced (read: unwilling, no consent given) Cunnilingus. I then came up with face-sitting as a possible technical description how it could actually be done by a woman.

[nightdrot]

@roland77 Well, generally you are correct. Your last point is technically possible, though I confess I have never seen it so defined.

[roland77]

She would be even in the position of cutting air of (trust for regular face-sittings is key to success) if she wants to kill the male unless he is powerful to lift her up and move aside. Okay, all hyper-theoretical as I had some face-sitting with women and I trusted them.

[roland77]

And is cool, man! :-)

[nightdrot]

@roland77 Sir, my sincere apologies but I am finding it very hard to read and interpret your writing. I see that you are writing from Germany. Is it possible that English is not your first language? Also, I would point out that German law will be quite different from American law. Thank you, though, for the emoji. Apparently the universal language in this day and age.

[roland77]

It is okay with me. Yes, English is my 2nd language, basics learning in school, but listening while watching movies in English language (so later better speaking, too). Sorry that I can no further/easier explain it.

[stifler1979]

There's something called the Deep Spot in the vagina and if you know how to finger it it can be extremely pleasurable for many women.

With one of my lovers it was uncomfortable so I stopped immediately, of course. No harm done. Another time I told her I was going to do it and I wanted her to power through a little because I believed it might become pleasurable. I started doing it and she told me to stop and I foolishly carried on - just for a couple of seconds. She cried "stop!" and pushed my hand away.

She was upset and I was absolutely mortified. I had good intentions - it was for her pleasure but a little of "no, I know best" kicked in for a split second.

I felt so bad I can hardly describe. It was SO horrible for me to know that I'd done that to her. It was a relatively small thing but it still haunts me sometimes.

She forgave me straight away (I was very apologetic, obviously) and everything was fine but it was a lesson learned the hard way.

And the lesson isn't just, "always respect her boundaries", it's "ALWAYS respect H E R boundaries". PERIOD.

[stifler1979]

by the way forgot to say that when I told her I wanted her to power through, she agreed to it so she did try

[Asker]

The difference between my ex and you is that you showed shame and you care about how your girlfriend feels. My ex got angry at me and made me feel like I was being difficult. He had such an ego about everything and couldn't accept his flaws. You sound like a good person to me. I feel confused about if I should have done more to express my pain. I said take it out with a catch in my throat but I don't know why I didn't tell him again or screamed that it hurt. Maybe because I was always very submissive (not sexually, just in general in the relationship) because he was always so domineering. I didn't stand up to him, it was too hard to get through to him.

[stifler1979]

There's almost always a dynamic of the man being the dominant party and the woman being the submissive party in a sexual interaction. This is my theory but I haven't asked any women about this, so I'm asking women to give me their thoughts on this:

[stifler1979]

Because a woman has decided to play that role and get into that headspace, when the man suddenly does something unpleasant, it is often difficult for her to suddenly snap out of following his lead into taking charge of the situation and asserting herself effectively. The above seems natural and normal and to be expected, but it comes with a catch, which is:

[stifler1979]

Because the woman has gifted the man with her surrender (and it really is a GIFT, NOT something to be expected nor demanded), that comes with a lot of RESPONSIBILITY on the man's side (this is why women need to feel they can trust the man before they have sex with them - and the more she trusts him, the greater the depth of her surrender, if she chooses).

[stifler1979]

So there is room for a guy to fuck up and there is room for a guy to abuse that responsibility and/or not even recognise it in the first place and/or dispense with it completely. I wish I could spread this message to guys and I wish I could fucking take this guys who do things like this and explain to them what they're doing wrong, why it's wrong, and the extreme pleasures and rewards that await them if they knew how to be a guy who is worthy of the gift of woman's full surrender. If they truly understood what is waiting for them - something that is divine, ethereal, pleasurable beyond belief, and rewarding beyond words, they might take that path rather than the domineering and demanding (and potentially abusive) one.

[Asker]

It wasn't my choice to be submissive. That's why the relationship ended. I hated his attitude and how he treated me. I felt powerless. I wasn't taken seriously when I was angry at him or upset. I remember telling him that I hated it when he randomly spanks me. He always went as hard as he could (it hurt so much) and it even happened in front of others which was humiliating. I told him to never do it again. I was serious and I meant it. He just smirked and said, "I'm NOT gonna stop spanking you, babe". I'd have to chuck a tantrum to get taken seriously but then he'd used emotionally and mentally abusive tactics during arguments and I would end up exhausted and defeated. So I just kept my feelings to myself which allowed him to do whatever he wanted without me objecting, (e. g. saying unkind things, taking money from me)

[stifler1979]

And that's exactly how an abusive relationship perpetuates. A cycle. I observed a mini version of cyclic process with my Dad. I managed to stop it when I was 35 by being brutally honest with him but it took me that long to really understand and know what was going on - it's only from that place that you can properly assert yourself and set boundaries. Good job you're not with him anymore.

[roland77]

@stifler1979 Yes, the penetrated person's boundaries ALWAYS matter.

[Doumdou]

It's rape. When you tell your partner to stop and he doesn't, there is no other word. Marital rape is a thing and sadly sad to prove.
Your experience is horrific.

I had anal sex with my ex. I trusted him and he listened to everything I said. When done the right way, anal sex doesn't hurt. I know sometimes he would take time, he would listen to my every words. If I told him to slow down, he would. If I told him to stop, he would.
Sometimes, I just flat out said that it hurt and we had top stop, sure he was frustrated a little, that's normal but he wasn't blaming me in any way and we would do something else.
If he didn't stop, I would feel like shit, like he didn't care about me.

[roland77]

Nope, no. Rape is by definition. Wikipedia knows it: "Rape is a type of sexual assault usually involving sexual intercourse or other forms of sexual penetration carried out against a person #without that person's #consent." I hash-tagged here the important words "WITHOUT" and "CONSENT". She wanted it, no rape, period. He has done, however it wrong so it ended up painful and she found it "rape-like" but it was no rape.

[roland77]

She said stop, okay. Then he must do so. Then it was against her will. Anal sex alone is no rape at all.

[roland77]

Yes, revoked consent. Okay, sorry. I changed my voting already.

[roland77]

I should catch some sleep now, being awake 48h hours, almost non-stop. Feels zombie!

[roland77]

As long as no side tries to frame the other and always be honest (truth -inventing is lying).

[MlleCake]

Yes, that was rape. You said stop. He didn't stop. You did not have an agreement that those words were play words. This is the definition of rape.

That you have a bad memory is proof of there being *some* trauma.

It is fortunate for you that your level of trauma from it was somewhat low, but the measure of it is not that level of trauma, it's that you said NO and that was *not respected*. That's the definition of a consent violation.

[kaskas19]

You revoked consent, and he kept going. That's rape.

Also, since he put it in your vagina after having it in your anus, it's possible you can get an infection.

I wouldn't recommend having sex with him anymore, especially since he's not smart enough to know she's to put his peter.

[Asker]

I'm just really struggling with the idea of a small part of the sex being considered rape. I know. I couldn't believe he thought sticking it in my vagina after anal would be okay yet he wouldn't even have sex with me on my period cause he said it would put his health at risk. He's long gone don't worry

[ragequeen]

If you were clear to someone that you didn`t want to perform a sexual act and they still did it, it`s rape. It seems like that was the case from what you told.

[roland77]

Yes, a person involved in a sexual act revoked their consent. The other person (s) must then listen and stop. I wrote it generally because, as you may know, rape can happen male->male, female->female, male->female and female->male.

[Being_a_good_Indian]

Consent means actively agreeing to be sexual with someone. Consent lets someone know that sex is wanted. Sexual activity without consent is rape or sexual assault.

Without consent, sexual activity (including oral sex, genital touching, and vaginal or anal penetration) is sexual assault or rape.

Reversible. Anyone can change their mind about what they feel like doing, anytime. Even if you’ve done it before, and even if you’re both naked in bed.

Unfortunately as per the definition of Consent and Sexual Assault it's Rape. I can understand your.

Hope it Helps.

[RasmusAiken]

Not rape because you consented to the penetration. But how could he continue knowing it was extremely painful for you. That makes him a douche of the lowest kind. I hope you're no longer seeing him.

[Asker]

Of course not but he still tries to contact me. But I asked him to take it out and he didn't. He took it out much later not because I asked him to, it seemed to me he got sick of not being about to do it without me reacting to pain.

[RasmusAiken]

So it was OK with him when he was torturing you but then your continued cries of pain finally made it unpleasant for him. You can easily do better.

[roland77]

My first thought, too, but not because of ignoring her "stop it" but because of zombie-mode is active! I'm up for +48h and definitely need sleep. ;-)

[classychickwafineass]

Yeah it is. He did something to you against your willing.

[roland77]

Not be to quick into judging. Read my opinion, I went deeper into anal-ysis (ops!).

[roland77]

Joke: Here in Germany we say "Ist mir alles anal". While we want to say "Ist mir alles egal." Because both last words, anal and egal sound VERY similar. The translation is: "Is all anal for me." and "I don't care."

[roland77]

Of course, I will DO care about her during anal penetration.

[markscott]

It was flat out rape. You told him to take it out, you were in pain, and he stayed in. No question, it's rape.

[10dsw]

It is technically rape, yes. However this sort of case would almost always get thrown out of court immediately. There's no tangible proof that any rape actually occurred. Moreover, you consented to getting into bed with him AND he could easily tell a completely different story which would demolish any legal argument you could make.

[10dsw]

I will add one thing though... your "story" really takes it away from actual rape victims... you know... like the sort of victims who get kidnapped and forced into having sex? At the end of the day, it was YOUR choice to get into bed with him.

[nightdrot]

My own response. I mentioned that - but as a legal matter, her experience is right on the line. In some states it would be over the line. It is not unknown that a woman thinks she may be "fooling around" and than it goes wrong. Frankly, those are less sympathetic cases, and some moral culpability attaches to the woman. Still, at the end of the day, there is something we call a gentleman - and gentleman don't behave like that. Further, in some instances, the law agrees.

[jacquesvol]

@10dsw Courts are easy on rape

[roland77]

If she truly says "stop it", she revoked her consent. But true, since not recorded, he can tell a whole different story. Now it depends which sound more believable. See, most judges may rule more for the female than the male. That is very bad when the male was actually raped by a female (unwanted but attempted blowjob for example). They (worsen when the judge is a feminist) won't believe him. Very unfair. A woman (read: feminazi) however can quickly say, he raped her and all believe her, especially when the judge is again a feminist.

[QueenofCups]

He should have pulled out as soon as you said stop.

[WalterRadio]

If you have to ask, then you weren't.

[Bergenser]

That's not how it works

[H2OHydrox]

Nothing technical about it. That's rape. I'm sorry.

[Asker]

It seems so weird to me to call a few seconds of consensual sex rape. I'm just so confused.

[H2OHydrox]

the second you ask him to stop, it's no longer consensual.

[Asker]

I mean like a few seconds of the sex was rape and the rest was consensual. I know a few seconds doesn't sound like much but at the time the amount of pain I was in really amplified those few seconds. I mean it. One of the worst I have ever felt in my life.

[Asker]

and because the pain went back down to still bearable I wasn't as frantic about him taking it out anymore.

[roland77]

@Asker Are you making that up now? Rape is non-consensual, sex is consensual! You said "stop it" or not?

[roland77]

@Asker And you should not blame him having "an incorrect mindset about anal sex". It is not entirely his fault as porn show us the wrong way of anal (it is very special). How much have you talked IN ADVANCE with him about the matter?

[Patrickjv]

Yes you were raped. My condolences.

[roland77]

Let's be careful here. I may have here and there agreed to being rape because I listened (and later read) to your story to much. But when I stumbled upon some enraged guys about women framing men into "rape" by making things up, that is bad.

Since I cannot travel back in time and teleport over there to actually see it first-eye, I can only say, that both above possiblities CAN be true (exclusively). The first case (your story is NOT made-up, it is truthfully then it is by definition rape. because he CONTINUED AFTER you said to take his penis (gently or forcibly?) out of your anus, then he entered your pussy with it.

The 2nd case is NEVER rape, you then try to frame him. And there I can understand males here being enraged about it.

BUT: "The pain became more bearable so I didn't need him to stop anymore." - Important here is "didn't need". Again turned consentional. It is indeed confusing. Maybe and only if you tell here the truth and nothing else but the truth, then maybe then, you got raped for a few moments but later agreed indirectly to continue because "didn't need him to stop". You SHOULD have continued saying stop as you wanted it when it became painful, but no blame to you.

As I said, I cannot travel back in time nor can I connect to your brain like "Lucy" can, so I cannot extract that from your mind, if you say the truth here. We can only rely on your story as nothing proving does exist. And in most cases where contrary arguments (his story versus yours) come up, it is for the defendant.

[SupremeDieu]

Yes it is.

[Rachel6677]

I've had a couple of experiences like that

[roland77]

I hope one day, you can trust a male again and enjoy it with all its intense multiple orgasms and possible squirting.

[Synttacks]

Technically yes this is rape. It also depends on when exactly during the anal you told him to stop. Mostly sounds like bad sex.

[Asker]

he took it out much later after i told him to and he didn't stop because i asked him to. i think he stopped because he got sick of me saying 'ow'

[roland77]

@Asker Have you tried to relax as much as possible? Once your muscles contract, pain increases, resulting you in more (forced by you as a instinctive response on pain) contractions. Sure, the penetrating partner (also woman can do on males, what else are dildos for? ;-) ) must closely listen to the penetrated one (you here).

[jacquesvol]

clearly rape

[Kiels01]

If that is rape then about 50% of men are rapists!

[jacquesvol]

Kiels01Take care to not be among the rapists.

[th3c0unt]

You consented and went along, led him on.

You could just bloody get up and move off.

Now you cry victim.

I fucking hate scum women who try to malign guys for their own shortcomings, faults and insecurities.

[jacquesvol]

@th3count You hate women who don't like rape?

[th3c0unt]

That's such a dumb and unrelated assertion. Stay in school

[jacquesvol]

daultondickey.files.wordpress.com/.../...ature.jpg

[th3c0unt]

Gfy nerd

[LegateLanius]

consent can be declined at any time during the act. You took away your consent when you asked him to stop. It is rape.

[roland77]

Revoked! Decline/accept happens before. Sorry for being like that. ;-)

[2opaz]

Not raped

[You_Cant_See_Me]

This is why women are such a joke. If the sex they’re having isn’t good the entire time, they were raped. Get out of here with that nonsense. Women are an absolute and utter joke

[roland77]

I guess she had pain and it was against her will. Bad sex is no rape, true. It just plain bad. "Rape is a type of sexual assault usually involving sexual intercourse or other forms of sexual penetration carried out against a person without that person's consent." #Wikipedia

[Jealdo]

there is nothing technical about it you were right if you asked him to stop and he did not it still rape in my opinion and if the person I was with asked me to stop I would and I would never do anal because that is sick and disgusting to me I never understood how someone can look at somebody's butt and think I want to and think I want to put my dick in that but do not get me wrong I am I total ass man I love the look of butts I love to squeeze them as long as I'm in the relationship with that person