My boyfriend goes behind my back and watches twerking videos or porn. I've asked him to stop more than 3 times and he always goes back to it? Help?

[Anonymous]

This has been a problem for over 2 years, or at least that is when I found out he had been watching porn and twerking videos. I cried my eyes out the first time (only 18) and he genuinely seemed like he was upset at himself the first time I confronted him. I told him I felt like I wasn't good enough and that I didn't like that he watched that stuff, especially behind my back. We were having sex frequently so I didn't know what the problem was. Flash forward a year and I found out from his phone that he was googling specific porn stars and twerking again. I confronted him again and he called me psycho for looking through his phone. I asked him how he would like it if I was watching other guys on my phone behind his back and getting off to it. He seemed less apologetic that time and more annoyed at me for confronting him. Now about a year later I am in this situation again. I have yet to confront him about it but I know he will be mad again that I found out. I logged on to YouTube, with the sole intention of watching a podcast on there, saw the recent search was a woman who only posts twerking videos. This is on our shared device so he can't accuse me of intentionally "digging". I have been scared of this happening recently because we haven't had sex in a couple weeks. Due to my period being really bad and overall loss of interest at this time. I have told him before that I prefer him saying something instead of going behind my back and watching that stuff because I feel like it replaces me but it seems my instincts were correct. How should I approach this? I'm very upset and naturally cried over it again. He is at work right now and I feel like if I text him about it, he will pass it off like it was nothing.

Updates:

[Weapon77]

Break up with him. I feel you have given him significant chances to appropriately deal with the situation and he just wants to ignore you and keep doing what he wants (too bad he is so dumb and keeps getting caught 😂 I would never get caught). Everytime I have been close to a girl she is the only thing that gets me "in the mood". Not sure why he needs the other. He might just be a jerk (haha pun alert) and he probably thinks that you are stupid for feeling like it replaces you. The main issue is that even if you two cannot have sex as much as he wants and needs to "help himself" he still does not need to watch porn. You could easily record his "watching material" yourself or take some pics for him or just let him watch you while doing that. In my experience, lots of girls who cannot have sex for awhile love to let their boyfriend "scratch the itch" while she watches. He could easily work with you and make this a non issue, but he just wants to do what he wants to do. The sad thing is porn is crap compred to having an actual girlfriend. Porn is for single dudes.

[Anonymous]

When women shame and attack males for natural male fantasy, men are forced to hide it the same way women would have to hide their fantasy if it were visible, but women have the luxury of having their fantasies mentally so even though it is fucked up as hell to have a rape fantasy, their partner never sees it and therefore never have to deal with it.

It's wrong for a female to try and stop natural fantasy. it's controlling and abusive. If you have issues with it, don't look for it and get help for your self-esteem issues. It isn't his problem that you have issues.

He should pass it off like it is nothing because it IS nothing.

[Anonymous]

Well, personally, I don't get why so many women get so bent out of shape over porn or similar stuff. Its fantasy. he's not out having sex with random women.
And if the only reason your sex life has taken a hit is because of your disinterest, not his, I don't see that as an issue.
He isn't replacing you.
If he suddenly didn't want sex with you but instead watched these things then I could see it being an issue in the relationship.
Even though that's how I feel about it you clearly feel differently and told him as much. The fact that he continues to watch these things anyway shows a lack of respect and caring for you and your feelings.
To me, porn isn't a deal breaker, him not giving a fuck about my feelings would be though. You've already talked to him about it twice. If he can't either stop this crap because it's bothering you or give you a damn good reason why he watches it and calms your insecurities down then, if I were you, I'd be on my way.

[NicoletteKomotov]

It is nothing. Why do you even care? Would you rather have him walking around aroused all the time? That's one option. The other is you satisfying him regularly so he doesn't have to do it himself. If you're put for it, set the schedule that he's doing it on now and replace the porn. I'd just let him do it. Who cares?

[Bklynoor]

It's not easy sis, as a man I can only advise what goes on inside men because I have same problem with which everyday I'm in a battle with myself tbh. Your partner is suffering porn addiction, it is real & I suffer it as well. Even thou your spouse would love you, but they get angry, sad & depressed about themselves that they are addicted to this bad habit & when you try interfere, they just revolt with you out of shame for the poor habit they're stuck with which they don't deserve but just have concern that our women will never help us or willing to be accepting or to help us get out of this evil addiction. We start to go to a point where we start to hate ourself for the porn we are addicted & everything in life feels like shit there after.. Even if we have the most hottest wife next to us, her smile would hurt us that we feel so guilty of ourselves that we don't want our women in our life to feel this way. It's just a type of man nature we're created with & I'm still trying to figure myself out why. Best thing to do is try to help him get out of it with love, instead of fighting against him because in his mind, he's already in a battle with himself as porn can lead to depression & loss of quality in life which many women do not see because men & wo men are different. Men are more visual while women are emotional. You'd have to support him & try convince him to visit doctor or get homeopathic treatment. I went to my own doctor and told him how porn is soo addictive & it's difficult to get out of specially with all the hot girls that surrounds our environment in the broken society we live in that just make us think of only more & more sex to the point it feels like it's just never enough inside. Then my doc gave me a medicine to reduce my libido to lower my sexual urges to ease addiction. Also it takes therapy such as controlling our eyes, because where ever our eyes fall on is the signal that clicks another button in man's brain for stimulating a women. Be nice to him with an open mind & help him regain his tranquility & fight the battle with him, because the best women on earth is she who helps his man be a better person as leaving him will bring no happiness besides misery on both ends. Hope this helps as I've been facing same since growing up in an environment we're exposed to porn at such a young age which cause sexual trauma in the broken society we live in. Hold on, stay strong & be patient sis ✊

[x3mtsjovt]

To me the problem would be in the sneaking and disrespect of your feelings.
I do not think him watching twerking girls or porn as a replacement at all. However, this is how you feel about it and no matter how much others are saying it most likely is not like thst and nonmatter if it really is not like that - it is dtill how you feel.
The way you have described it makes me think that you can confront him as many times as you want to, but it will not in the end make a fifference. He will not stop watching these things (for whatever his reason is). So I do believe you need to figure out with yourself if you can accept that - you can still try to change him having accepted it, but I think it is futile - or if it really means so much yo you thst you cannot be with it.

I am sure there will be a guy that you can find who will respect yout wishes, but I also believe that the chances of you being "decieved" again by another boyfriend will be fairly higher than not. Deceived reffering to your experience finiding out thst the given boyfriend will be finding an interest in watching other girls twerking, watching porn or similar, perhaps even after having told you that he won't.
Personally for me the deal breaker here is nit being able to stay honest and listen to each others needs, talking it out, reflecting the situstion from both perspectives, reaching a common understanding.

[InDetail]

its natrual to feel that way, and your boyfriend either has porn addiction or doesn't know the actual obligations to being in a relationship with some people, if you can't handle his overindulgence break up with him, we all have insecurities, usually made by porn's unrealistic expectations and turn ons, so whilst it may be a fantasy, its a fantasy he can't give up on which will lead to more insecurities for you, its a scary thing to learn what people actually want, try not to let it jade you and know that somethings you can't change with your body and that if you try to please, you can and will, you'll be an awesome lover so look into more techniques to feel truly secure in your sex life

[JayParris]

Hmmm... due to YOUR lack of interest, you haven't had sex with him in weeks. Then you wanna bust his chops for looking at porn? Do you think that you should be all he needs, even when you're not giving him what he needs?

It really sounds like a setup. You hold out on him, he resorts to porn, you get pissy and make him out to be the bad guy, and the relationship ends with his nsme dragged through the mud and you get to play victim.

I wouldn't even argue with you. I'd just point to the door.

[Johnbson]

He has a higher sex drive than you, pretty normal for a relationship to have some sort of drive imbalance.

He uses porn because he doesn't want to replace you. If he did, you would be single. He just needs to get his rocks off. you're at the age when men are horny as hell. I know, I'm there. My SO does what she can, but I still hit up the computer if she's out for more than a few hours. Sometimes we jerk it just because we are bored.

To him, it likely sounds like you won't have sex with him, but you're also not allowing him to service his own needs either. Sounds controlling when viewed through his eyes. I think you need to relax your view on the porn thing, or try to find a way to compensate so he isn't stuck in a rut for days (or as you said, weeks!) at a time.

[SarahsSummer]

I think you need to try and get past your insecurities of your boyfriends irrelevant activities. Him looking at random porn does not neccesarily imply disinterest in you or the relationship. Once you realize that, you can end your needless suffering on the subject.

[beaustuguese]

Unfortunately pornography is an addiction that many people face. To deal with pornography it's important to recognize that it is a problem. I encourage you to approach him in a loving manner and ask him: does he think he has a problem? And if he doesn't it's hard to say how far will he go. And i say it's a problem because there are many studies that prove that sex life is better without porn

[Theft]

I don’t think he is trying to replace you at all! But it is a problame if it bothers you so much! I would suggest asking him when he fets home and having a good deep conversation about it. Almost like what @Danny-K was suggesting. Ask him about his fetish? Ask him if that is something that maybe you can help with feel him out! Maybe he needs to get some help to get out of it. Maybe you need to embrace it and see just how kinky he is...

[jakeforfun]

Your boyfriend is a p. o. s.
This is not the man to "plan a future" with, right? He's untrustworthy. He's cheating to a slight degree - odds are it will escalate over time, and potentially become cheating with a (twerking) woman he meets for sex, on the side. I'm sorry you're attached to this lowlife. He gives all guys a bad name. Have you tried twerking for him? I don't think that'll stop him, tho. Girl, you deserve a man who's all about you, and has nothing to do with extracurricular sextivity. He won't quit. Dump him.

[Anpu23]

I am going to give you a few options
The first is to accept that his behavior is normal and he still loves you. He probably feels guilty about it, and you pushing him on this issue isn't going to stop him, just make him be more careful about it.
The second option is to leave him, you are in a relationship and both of you count, his feelings and desires as well as yours. If you are ultimately incompatible then it might be time to move on.
The last is to become extremely controlling and push your relationship into a whole new direction. I'm talking phone apps that track his activities, maybe even a chastity device that prevents him from doing anything with his penis but peeing.
Completelyup to you.

[J_MoneyBag]

Girl, chill out. Basically thus boils down to 2 options, 1. he either goes out and cheats. 2. He watches videos but doesn't fuck other women, just you. Cause if you take the videos from him, he's gonna not get that satisfaction from the videos, and he's gonna end up going out to get it. So the videos shouldn't worry you, they should be a relief

[Caaarl]

You know it exists but you can't force him. I don't know what the solution is. Do you think it's fair to force him to stop just because you feel insecure. Would you do the same for him for example I'd he didn't want you to dress up? Or maybe he didn't want you to masturbate.

Are you willing to except that your forcing it on him for your own flaws?

[lexythelou22]

If you don't like that he watches porn just dump him and find somebody who doesn't. I've never seen porn as a big issue since he can't communicate with the women, but if it makes you uncomfortable you need to just leave it behind.

[Nobi-Wan840]

You and my ex are fucking psycho, now you want him to stop watching porn, then you'll tell him he can't watch anime, or watch wrestling or watch YouTube video that have girls in them. You're going to make him give everything up and still make him feel like a piece of shit after.
If you ask me it's all a waste of time. Just let him watch his porn, you probably watch it yourself

[Czar710]

Who cares? Why bother porn is there to bust a nut too of youbget jelous of some pornstar thats your owm damn fault, its not like he's cheating on you, he deciding to watch porn instead of seek out another female, obv cause you're enough for him, he always may not go for another girl because you dig through his phone like that, his personal item, dont be with someone if you can't trust them, or don't want to

[tookind69]

Sounds like he has an addiction to it. Be patient since you did nothing to cause it and it doesn't mean he has no interest in you. For some couples this is a really tough situation. When he is ready to stop he may seek help but trying to force him to stop could cause a lot of stress in your relationship more so than this. But seriously, you did not cause him to start this and it doesn't mean he sees you as unattractive. This is an addiction.

[RedRain]

He's a guy and he's young so I don't think he has any intentions of stopping for now.
How is the relationship between you two, apart from this?

[kittycat119]

Why do you think you even have the right to dictate if he watches It? It's not your business if he watches porn. It's pathetic when chicks are so insecure they get upset over this

[Danny-K]

Watching porn isn't a big deal at all, almost everyone does it. It has nothing to do with you personally.

And the twerking things. It seems like he has a fetish for it. instead of confronting him about it, you get also help each other explore your sexual preferences together.

[Babsie1984]

A lot of guys do this. My husband does but it doesn’t bother me