Sexual Relationships
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How do you handle your boyfriend wanting to experiment with guys?

My boyfriend of a few months has said he wants to experiment with guys.

How do you handle something like this?
Updates:
+1 y
I just wanted to thank everyone for the comments and feedback - I didn't realise it would get this response! As of now he is ignoring me as I said we were rushing things a bit... but with trust and open discussions I'm happy to give a go, or if he prefers, he take a break and experiment without me. I'm keeping my fingers crossed...
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Also to add a little more... it did come up early in our relationship in a "it would be hot if you were dominant and told me to go suck a guy" kind of way in that he was doing it for me. It just built and built until we got to the point where he had a profile chatting to guys and was looking to meet to see if he even liked kissing a guy or more.
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Just to update we broke up as he emotionally shut off when I asked to go a bit slower with this. Back in contact but on shaky ground.
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Most Helpful Guys

  • My girlfriend actually encouraged it. My girlfriend and I have been living together for ten years - but she went through this thing where she thought watching gay sex was hot. I count myself straight, but I kind of played along and we would watch some gay porn or something.

    Then at a Christmas party, a gay co-worker of her's happened to mention that he thought I was kind of cute. girlfriend got an idea and asked if co-worker and I would have sex so she could watch. He loved the idea, but only if sometimes he could just have sex with me without girlfriend watching.

    They thought it was a brilliant idea and came to me. I was not exactly enthralled at first, but after several weeks, and I mean weeks, of back and forth and nagging and pleading and girlfriend offering me all sorts of sex, I agreed, and for the next seven months - !!! - I was in a gay relationship (at the same time still having sex with my girlfriend.)

    It was weird on one level, unpleasant on another, and good on another.

    It actually ended on a somewhat sour note. It became fairly obvious that the guy was getting pretty involved with me and we decided to end it. He took it pretty hard and it got a bit uncomfortable. My girlfriend felt especially bad and tried to set him up with another guy, but nothing really worked. Eventually he got another job and we lost touch.

    During this and for a bit after I sort of had a nagging sense that maybe I was bi. That has passed with time.

    If it helps, several studies - Kinsey most famously - have shown that 11% of straight guys have had at least one gay experiences and 3% have had a gay relationship. So it is not unknown.

    Researchers believe that as sex is one of the ways that humans bond socially, when a hetero man or woman has a gay experience it is probably an evolutionary instinct. We are social beings and sex plays a part in that.

    That all said, if you are not comfortable with this, you need to honestly tell him so - and let him decide what he wants. That said, based on the data, he is probably not gay, and not necessarily even bi.

    What you need to focus on - and it is entirely fair - is how this makes you feel. No one has the right to ask you to be in a relationship for which you are uncomfortable. It is also a chance to ask him how he feels about you. Good communication is essential.

    That said, do NOT take it as a judgment on you - and most of all, speaking from the guy side, don't assume he prefers guys to you.

    Gosh knows, I didn't.

    • Wow thank you so much for the amazing answer. He assured me that our connection is above all others and is emotional as well as sexual, whereas with guys it's purely sexual and curiosity. He said he wouldn't meet anyone if I didn't want him to - but I want him to be true to himself in this. It's tough as I don't know how I'll be until he's tried being with a guy and then he will know what he feels about it too. I don't want to throw away an amazing guy because of this, but it will be hard at first I think.

    • Well, be sure that you can live with it, otherwise it may hurt the relationship in ways that you do not expect. You have to handle this in your own mind. With my girlfriend I knew that I loved her and I took it as something to please here. I won't lie, it ended up being better for me than I had expected. (Not that I want to do it again.) I just went into it with the attitude that I was pleasing her and that she would do the same for me. In our early days we were kind of wild, but one day we both realized that what made our sex great was that it was just us. We still have pretty wild sex, but the focus even when we are feeling at our most primal and instinctual, is just us. He may - and you almost certainly will - get to that moment. Still, don't lose sight of the fact that sex is for humans both reproductive instinct and social connection. Take it that way - and he sees it that way - and you'll get through. Besides, he may enjoy gay sex - or he may not. Either way, not a reflection

    • on you. Sorry, I got cut off. As I say, just think of it as doing something for him - and ask yourself if he would want him to do the same for you.

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  • What he is really doing is asking your permission to engage in sexual activities (even if just kissing) with somebody else. I don't think the gender should matter, as frankly the idea that "it's not cheating if it's with someone of the same gender" trivialises LGBT people, their sexuality and their relationships. So if you want to go down this path, I recommend having an open relationship. If you aren't ok with that, then tell him it's not on. If he goes and does it behind your back, then I am afraid that he will have crossed a line.

    • Thank you so much for the great comment. Yeah I think he may want more of an open relationship.

Most Helpful Girls

  • HAHA first of all you gotta love all the macho men commenting on this thread projecting their staunch straight man machismo about this to score some Xper points, when this is clearly a topic directed more towards girls. Now that that has been addressed, Is this a general situation where he's confiding in you his personal feelings about attraction and curiosity to do so about men, or that he wants to actually have sexual relations with men while dating you? Personally I find his honesty refreshing that he obviously trusts you enough to state this. My position would be to make the determination based upon what his intentions are, and your comfort Level. If he's adamant upon finding men to play with and you have an issue with it make it known. If he insists and can't respect your feelings or objections then perhaps its time to break up with him.

    • Thank you for your opinion. It's really refreshing

    • This 👆👆👆

  • Personally, I would handle it with "Baby, it's not me, it's 100% you... but maybe we can be friends?"
    Ok but really, this wouldn't be for me. I'd be turned off by it and I wouldn't want anything to do with it, but it doesn't really matter what I would do.
    You are the one that has to be comfortable with it. If you are then I would set boundaries for it. What you can and cannot "tolerate" when it comes to him and another guy.
    If you're not into this or even if you're just unsure then I suggest you tell him to hold up and maybe talk about it some more or if this is something he really wants and you can't take it then it's time to break up.

    • Thank you so much

    • I was going to say something, but then you posted. This is my sentiment exactly. Prettykitty knows what's up

    • @TheFunkyThumb thanks darlin. 😉

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What Girls & Guys Said

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  • You don't. You end it. Stop allowing somebody like that to use you and only sees you as a convience. He's gay. And he doesn't want to admit that he wants sex with men. You want him to legally 'cheat' on you. Go ahead.

  • Well, first of all I completly understand that people can be bisexual and I respect all orientations, but I would leave. I know a lot of girls who fin this exciting (seeing two guys together and all) but for me is such a huge turn off. I wouldn't be able to handle it. I would wish him all the luck in the world finding out what he likes and dislikes and hope he can be happy and I would try to do the same.

  • Well, in principle, you have 3 choices:

    1. You can break up with him.
    2. You can simply not allow it.
    3. You can open up the relationship for (some) experimenting.

    Which option you pick is of course your decision. Here's my personal opinion:
    If you're truly in love with your boyfriend, number one is out of the question. Number two is feasible but not exactly a good idea because even if your boyfriend accepts your decision, he'll become bitter and frustrated in the long run. This will almost certainly hurt your relationship.
    Therefore, I personally advise you to go for number three.
    Now, that's of course a big step, so it's important to plan it right. First of all, tell your boyfriend that you need time to think about it. If he's a decent guy, he'll give you that space and time. Take a few months to acquaint yourself with this whole idea and feel more comfortable about it. Ask yourself critical questions ("will this destroy our relationship?") but don't be excessively pessimistic about it. If you feel jealousy, ask yourself why. Does it really make sense to feel jealous or is it just a strange, unreasonable emotion? I mean, sexual promiscuity doesn't automatically mean that people don't love each other. There are many couples with open relationships who are very deeply in love. In fact, I would argue that it takes a special kind of love to do this type of experimenting.

    If you feel like you want to give it a try, make sure to discuss with him clear rules and boundaries. This may concern things like contraception but it may also concern issues such as your relationship. Perhaps you can live with him doing certain sexual acts but not others. Or maybe you'll be okay with him experimenting but you don't want him to spend the night with another person. Make sure to find a framework that is as agreeable to you as possible. And of course, try to find compromises.
    And perhaps most importantly, make clear to him that you'll expect sexual freedom for yourself too. If he gets to play with other people, so do you. If he's not okay with that, there's not gonna be any experimenting for him.

  • Hello dear,
    sorry to hear that u r experimenting difficulties.
    anyways, choices are really tight here:
    -u can have an open discussion about the subject IF u r keen for an open relationship and sharing ur boyfriend.
    -u can just break up on good terms and help him as a friend to discover himself more
    -u can simply break up and move on

    hope my opinion is helpful dear.. and keep us posted :-)
    *fingers crossed* that it will work out the way u want it

    have a nice day

  • This is probably not going to end well on your end hun.. when two people have an intimate bond with one another, that is for those two people. It's not something you share because then it's not unique and special anymore.. and if he wants to experiment with other men? That's what you'd call a red flag. If he wants anyone other than you it's wrong. Even if you go along with it I promise that you won't feel the same way afterward. One last thing. Now that you know the thoughts are in his head and you say no to all this, do you think it's going to stop those thoughts? Or is he going to act on them eventually? Good luck with this..

  • NO NO NO NO

    • HOW MANY TIME I AM SAYING NO LADY

    • Many!

    • 😂 but really this guy doesn't sound worth it to keep, I feel that he is becoming mentally unstable... because he doesn't know what he wants Also, cross dressing is super fucked

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  • Do not stay with him, he sounds like a child who does not know what he wants, you deserve better.

  • That is completely up to you and what you are comfortable with. Some couples do this. If you're uncomfortable with this, tell him.

  • Tbh i would let him, i rather it be with a guy them a guy. But be careful because men can get diseases from doing that. He wants to experience that, he can't help it. But i dont know y'all story.

    • yeah I feel better it's not a girl but so early on in the relationship I feel like I don't want to share him yet. I'd make sure he was safe as well.

    • Wow its early? Does he wanna break up and try it or does he wanna stay with you and do his experience? He basically wants you to be okay with him cheating with a guy. I think thats odd. I honestly wouldn't know what to think if my boyfriend would say that to me. I would be too shocked. Its really disturbing, i would break up with my boyfriend if he told me that. You want him to be with you when he's 100% sure that he wants you and only you. He clearly got more living to do before he "settles down".

    • I asked him if he'd rather experiment on his own for a bit. I'm waiting to hear. Yeah I think you might be right about the more living to do.

  • Tell him it's immoral and jesus wouldn't like that.

    • I will.

    • Hey cheers man, a first homointolerate comrade here!

    • sarcasm doesn't come across well on these things...

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  • I'd think he must be someone special for being so truthful with you. It must not have been easy. Maybe help him explore that with him. As long as he was up front with me and practiced safe sex, I'd be ok with it. I'm bi, so I would understand.

    • yeah I think I would be ok with it... I just feel so early on might be a bit much.

    • That's understandable. Talk with him more about it and make sure all your (and his) thoughts and concerns are out in the open.

    • I'm not sure he realised how much I am concerned. I was ok.. then iffy about it... then fine... then freaked out a little. I just hope my telling him to go slow is so that we can last - not that I don't want him to try things.

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  • Treat him exactly the same as if he said, "Baby I'm interested in what sex would be like with different girls" Think about it. Should be no difference. Non-monogamous is non-monogamous. Unless you want that lifestyle, you already know the answer.

  • Keep very calm and calmly explain your feelings to him. Very calmly and nicely as possible. That is how most relationship issues should be discussed.

  • To thine own self be true- if you love him and he loves you then you both are free to experiment together with others but fully premeditate these fantasies. Can you handle sucking dick with your hubby? Could you handle someone else pleasing him? Do you want more like mfm or mmf relationship or a cuckold type of hot wife mistress? Ask yourself this

  • What do you mean by "handle it"? You either be supportive and let him figure himself out, or leave.

    And neither choice is wrong. But trying to force him not to do it would be.

  • He’s probably done it before. If not then if your up for it maybe you could be included? Use protection. This also might become a habit. Don’t let him use you. Try to be supportive and understanding. If you can’t, this is. It your issue to help him figure out. It’s only been a few month. Maybe if he hasn’t then let him go so he can figure all that out on his own time.

  • Oh boy...
    Looks like I'm late to the party...
    Well, at least I got the updates as additional information as a basis of my reply...

    First of all, how do *you* feel about sharing him with another person, be it male or female, sexually, emotionally or both?
    Also, how do you feel about being in charge in the relationship and/or bed?

    If you feel ok with both then by all means, give it a go and see how it works out for you.
    But make sure that both of you *and* any third parties you involve feel comfortable at *every* step of the process.

    Have fun. =)

    • I'm sorry to hear that you two broke up... :-/

  • D u m p h i m.

  • I mean, are you cool with it? If you're cool with it then you should probably let him, it'll allow him to better-understand himself and his sexuality and I think that's important for everyone. This isn't a make or break situation - just talk to each other and figure it out. He's clearly in open and honest communication with you if he told you this, you have to be as well

    • Just no comment on this one.

    • JUST INSIST HE WEARS CONDOMS, FOR YOUR PROTECTION. DON'T EVEN WANT TO THINK OF SITUATION LIKE THAT

    • I mean I'm a) cool with open relationships, and b) bi as hell, so if my boyfriend were to ask me that I'd honestly be supportive as hell

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  • It depends on what you are happy with.
    It's good that he's been honest, lots of guys wouldn't have told you & just done it anyway.
    But the question is now, how do you feel, what you want & if you would be happy to be with him still, or possibly move on from that relationship

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