Boyfriend can't deal with my sexual past and it's bothering me. Any advice?

[Anonymous]

I'm a very honest and open person and when I'm in a committed relationship I want my partner to know everything about me. So I've been dating this guy, let's call him D (m18), for a year now. We have a very rocky relationship. Minor disagreements that happen often that we're working on. We are opposites in most things but we push each other to grow in a healthy way. The problem is that I was his first and he is very insecure. I've had a traumatic sexual experience at 16 in an abusive relationship and after that I had a period where I took back control of my sexuality. I'm not "easy" or have slept with a lot of guys but I did have sex and the fact bothers him. He won't even let me tell him how many because the idea disgusts him. He keeps pushing me to have anal sex because that would be a "first time" for me even though I don't want to. He acts uncomfortable with the fact that I have a sexuality. He said he is willing to work on overcoming his problems but he expects me to do all the work. I can't battle his demons for him. He was also way more upset with the fact that I slept with someone else then the fact that I was sexually assaulted. I feel like I should break up because I can't deal with his insecurities or fear the day when he snaps and "gets back at me" for having a sexual past (he never said or indicated that he would but that's how it goes with insecure people). Why do men have such a problem with a woman who's had experience? Why does he feel threatened? I feel like this is extremely unhealthy. Any advice on how to handle the situation and/or why he is behaving this way?

[chrisv]

What you said was great. For whatever reason, he’s threatened by your success in bed before him and probably feels insecure..

Soooooo. Sit him down... look him square in the eyes. Tell him how important he is to you- and how his anxiety and attitudes is affecting the relationship.

Ask him what the issue is because you want to resolve it once and for all.

Be firm. Tell him it’s destructive.,

Tell him you had a life before him and whatever oaths you each took- be grateful and thankful they led you to each other. Would he prefer they didn’t?

[Ripper_E]

As far as insecurities go, men deal with that all the time because most women are very insecure about a great many things. As far as your sexual history goes, I understand why it would bother him, but I would be more bothered by the fact that you were sexually assaulted. People act differently when they suffer traumatic experiences. I'm not saying that you can't have had sexual partners otherwise, because most people do, but if it bothers him in anyway, he should be able to work those things out, the both of you, together. Not trying to guilt trip you.

[Asker]

I feel like he is shaming me for having a sexuality which is in human nature

[Ripper_E]

That's because he does not. Like I said, it's understandable, but any issues that either of you have, you should be able to work it out together, because you're together. Not throwing it in your face and expecting you to make it disappear.

[pr3ttybr0wn]

This is your fault sorry. Men don't need or want to know about your hoe past. A lot of feminist independent women think men and women are the same and we are not. Open and honesty is fine EXCEPT when it comes to your sexual number. Once a man finds out that you used to be a hoe, he will forever in his mind change how he sees you. Thats why he doesn't respect you. You just gonna have to throw the whole boyfriend away and start fresh with a new guy

[Truthatanycost]

You make it sound like that's the only way guys find out this stuff. So many times I've heard totally random guys in social situations, maybe after a few drinks bragging about some girl. I've also had times where a girl trying to hide their past forgot their lies and let stuff slip. Body language, expressions, language they use about men in general and a whole host of other stuff can tell you what a persons past was.

[BipolarButterfly]

That opinion was supposed to be a reply to you.

[Gurla]

He sounds really immature. Was he a virgin when he started dating you? Or has he had sex before meeting you? If so, then he is a hypocrite and has no right to say that. You shouldn’t do anything that your uncomfortable with, and I think that you should take a break from him for him to realize that your relationship isn’t only based on sex but also on an emotional level. If he doesn’t realize that, then just end it.

[Asker]

Yes he was a virgin. Very nerdy, very emotional guy.

[Gurla]

Well he needs to grow up. I’d suggest that you break up with him and tell his your reasons why. It’ll be a reality check for him because not every woman is a virgin and he should be okay with it.

[Asker]

We do have a strong emotional bond but this bothers me too much. I'm going on vacation with friends tomorrow so I'll be away from him for some time and I'll take time to think about it but for now I think your advice is pretty reasonable.

[Gurla]

👍🏽👍🏽

[BipolarButterfly]

@Haolehubby is my husband, he doesn't judge me for my past. You're just with, or talking to, men who don't respect your autonomy. The name "hoe" is often applied by other females who don't feel confident in their ability to safely experience their own sexual identity.

[BipolarButterfly]

Sorry, supposed to be a reply to pr3ttybr0wn.

[Asker]

I agree with you wholeheartedly. We live in the 21st century, we are not cavemen. I hoped society somewhat evolved from the cavemen mentality but this issue showed me that most people still have that mentality.

[pr3ttybr0wn]

I dont care about that feminist shit. I have respect for myself and dont feel "empowered" by gettng ran through by a bunch of worthless men. Most guys are not worth being promiscuous with. I'm confident and love myself enough to be exclusive for only the best high quality man I can get. I dont "hate" hoes, i just dont agree with it or believe the lie that its empowering

[Asker]

@pr3ttybr0wn let me lay down my sexual history for you. I "lost my virginity" from rape and had sex with two guys I was in a long term committed relationship afterwards in the span of a few years. Explain to me how that is considered a hoe? Nobody mentioned feminism in this discussion yet you keep bringing it up. Why?

[reptocarl]

Break up. You’re not compatible on anything

[HaoleHubby]

Extremely unhealthy! Your body and your choices are yours alone. He doesn't get to "be your first?" Big deal! It sounds like he's hinging his self image on your experience. Which is awful.

My wife has a past. She was safely sexually active in college and she owned her sexuality. Honestly? It makes her that much more attractive to me!

[eatadic]

He’s controlling and insecure. Not a good combination. The best and only way to solve the problem is to explain your point of view, give him a chance to change, and if he doesn’t... find another boyfriend.

[HereIbe]

He sounds abusive.

[Casus_Angelus]

He is not a good dealer

[tmack765]

Are you his first

[Asker]

Yes I was

[tmack765]

As a vigirn he more connected to you so when the the thought of another dude has been inside something that he feels is his it will get to him to fix that just takes time he will get over it