Are some people simply incapable of falling in love?

[Anonymous]

I’ve only been in one relationship in my life. It was short term and I was not in love with him. I love him and care for him (as in having his best interest) but I’ve never been in love. And it bothers me. I’m already in my twenties. Everyone I know has been in love before. And I should not (don’t) have a timeline.

While it it sounds as if I probably haven’t met the right person yet, I wonder if I should pursue a partner again. I am not interested in sex (oral, anal, vaginal) and would prefer to not gamble with a person that may potentially hinder my schedule or cause more unnecessary problems. The idea of falling in love seems wonderful at a glance but I feel as if relationships are a waste of time. All this effort for something that can simply crumble before your feet without notice.

[SkyeMind]

I am all for love and I do love people in a sense of care, admiration and respect. I find beauty and amazement in people, but.. The "falling in love" doesn't happen to me unless I know this person, have a deep connection mentally and emotionally. I need "something else". It takes time, commitment and trust. And sex is completely second to everything else. In some of my previous relationships, I could have lived just as happy or probably happier, had sex not occurred. I am sex-positive though. Just some relationships in my past wasn't right, for me.

I don't get interested by people physically although I understand that they are attractive by societal statuses and I find people to be beautiful beings. I don't see people as sexual beings. I have had sex when I was younger, doing what was expected, had children, was married. I haven't WANTED sex but it had been an "appropriate" thing to do for a person I have cared for.

When I got older, passing 35, I learnt more about myself because I wanted to understand what it was with me that almost prevented me from having what others did.

I got to know who I am inside because I have deciphered my processes, my behaviors. What I was brought up thinking and who I was taught to be versus who I am and who I choose to be.

I would want you to read up on asexuality or demisexuality. I really believe you will find yourself in there.

This is not about psychopaths/sociopaths and their inability. This is about you and finding your normal ❤️

Feel free to message me if you want.

[Branwenn]

I have yet to experience this "true love" thing, I've cared about my exes but I don't feel I've ever loved any of them. Sometimes I feel like I might be too independent, too dominant, too much of an alpha female. It's not a bad thing, just something I've learned to accept. I am much happier on my own though.

[Asker]

I’ve loved for my ex but as in wanting the best for them and having their best interest. But I wasn’t in love with them per say.

[Branwenn]

That's exactly how I've felt.

[Asker]

And you’re in your thirties and have yet to experience this? This makes me worried lol

[Branwenn]

Haha yeah, I don't see it as a bad thing though. I'm happy this way and haven't dwelled on it. They say there is someone for everyone but I won't push for it, when it's my time it'll come.

[Ayer93]

Everyone is capable of loving someone. They just need to find someone like them. There's something called the similarity and familiarity attraction effect. People are attracted to similar people... whether it be physical traits (that's why a lot of couples look alike), personality traits, interests, views, humor, etc. People are also attracted to people that remind them of familiar things... things they do when they grow up, how they talk or act, etc. Some people don't have the luck of finding people with that kind of chemistry and are just in the relationship to attempt to fill the void. Later they realize the attempt is still not satisfying and they realize it was never true love. Most people of this generation look down on the emotional connection part of the relationship. Love is possible for everyone, but to find true love especially in nowadays society is rare.

[Asker]

They also say opposites attract

[Ayer93]

That's actually an old saying that came more from the basics. "You girl. Me boy. You short. I big. You feminine. I masculine." Etc. Recent studies have all shown that most people are attracted to similarities in personality.

[Asker]

I think having someone that is opposite from you but there are common interests can be a potential match. An anxious person with another one may be too much. You might need someone to keep things calm.

[Ayer93]

Agreed there. You obviously can't have 2 quiet people in a relationship lol. Or 2 indecisive people. Etc

[CallMeDave]

If you have no interest in sex and don't want to have to change anything in your life or make any sacrifices, then you probably shouldn't be in a relationship, because those are all things that I think are necessary for a relationship to succeed.

For me, the special feeling of being closely bonded with another person that I care about and cares about me and that I can work together with to deal with life's issues is something very desirable, so I'm willing to make some changes and sacrifices in order to have that, but if that kind of closeness isn't important to you then maybe you're better off single.

[Asker]

I am content with having companionship. Acquainting with a guy that I can be affectionate with and travel/spend time together (a normal aspect of a relationship). My issue is the lack of trust I have with men. I always suspect they will/are cheating on me. That was an issue with my previous partner. And I know people have their urges that need to be fulfilled. I’m afraid my lack of urges will conflict with their desires, ultimately being a detriment to the relationship.

[CallMeDave]

Maybe you can find a guy that will be content with a companionship relationship. I had a relationship like that with a woman where we did a lot of things together as friends, but that was while I was married so it's not quite the same thing. I promise you though that that kind of relationship is certainly possible. If your previous partner cheated on you, then I understand how you can feel suspicious, but I strongly encourage you to try to get past that. I had a girlfriend once that lied to me - a lot - and that made me suspicious and that caused problems in my next couple of relationships. Once I got over that and was able to trust things were better. Not every guy will cheat, so if you find the right one hopefully you can feel secure that won't happen. Do you think you'd be more interested in sex with the right guy? Do you even know why you aren't?

[Ellie-V]

Girl, I float in a similar boat. I’m not interested in sexual either. Sex is not that important in life (besides the whole having kids thing.. but adoption/surrogacy are options as well). A person who truly loves you will understand that and try to compromise. It’s entirely possible.

[Ellie-V]

Sex* not sexual haha 😂

[Asker]

I never experienced being cheated on or lied to by another guy. He treated me well I’d say. He wasn’t the hopeless romantic I wanted but he was okay for a first. He never did anything to make me questionable. Something about him just didn’t really feel right. And I don’t think he was the problem. I was used to solitude for all those years that having someone felt so weird. I cannot explain it.

[Asker]

@Ellie-V yeah same I’m not interested in having kids. I’d be content having dogs haha. I know that’s true I just don’t have the patience to date a bunch of assholes in order to find someone that can compromise. I don’t have great luck with men.

[Ellie-V]

Me either... but then again, I’m more into women (pansexual) 😂😂😂 I’d say try dating girls cuz they’re a lot less complicated but I’m guessing you’re straight so... do you boo 👑☺️🤷🏾‍♀️

[CallMeDave]

If you really prefer being alone, then maybe that's the right thing for you. Some people do seem to prefer that. Maybe you will want to not seek out a relationship, but if a good guy comes along then try it out and see how it goes?

[partydelights]

As long as you're a healthy person, you are capable of love. It is an attribute of being patience, kind, unselfish, forgiving and virtuous to another person.

But some were hurt before when showing love because the recipient recopricates the demonstration of love in a cruel way.

So the hurt may hinder further demonstration of love.

Nevertheless, that person is still capable of love, except to avoid being hurt again, the person withholds the act unless certain that the recipient will not abuse the love shown again.

[johnmspaghetti]

To start, if I were to classify my sexual interests - and yes there's a reason I started with this - I'd say solosexual (not completely asexual 'cause I still get the job done myself). But with only one relationship so far, I don't think I can be sure. It's possible I'm somewhere in the grey-ase scale close but not on asexual. Possibly sounds familiar? But in any case, from this vantage point I have been able to see that "love" and "lust" are two separate concepts.

A person can give their heart to just one other at a time, but give their organ to many. And just like one can have sex with anyone without loving them, it's also possible to love one without needing sex from them. That being said, it doesn't mean you never have to participate, if the person you love that loves you back also has lust for you as well. (Of course no one is entitled to your body, but) that's what makes the heart stray. So you learn to manage how much you're willing to indulge in versus how often they need it.

So sex aside, there will come a person you do want to spend your time with, someone who makes you feel not-so-alone in the world, and someone you'd be willing to do most anything for (again, sex aside). That's what I've decided love means for me. When I got to a point where I couldn't stand her not being in my life, couldn't stand going a full day without at least saying 'hi' to, would be willing to turn my whole life upside-down for her, would be willing to literally kill someone just to make her happy (if it came to it, I mean she wasn't a sadist or anything). It's pretty powerful when you realize it.

But you can't really, I mean /really/ embrace something like that, if you're more concerned about your schedule than the person displaying affection for you.

And yeah, it /is/ super delicate. She did end up leaving, because after six years I finally turned my eyes towards a future with her in it, and while I wasn't looking she had walked away. All I can say is, you both gotta be willing to give 100% of yourself to the other, and you gotta be on the same page the whole time.

In any case, good luck figuring it all out.

[Hannah591]

Falling in love is a chemical process in the brain and I think it's possible to have chemical imbalances or a brain structure that doesn't allow for it to happen. Consider psychopaths who have no empathy, if they can't empathise, then they can't love and their personality type is related to their brain structure and previous life experiences. Biologically, I think it's possible to be incapable.

[Hurlyburly]

You could be aromantic, asexual or both. So yes, it is possbile.

[Growtek1]

I think you need someone who is playing the game hard to get, who can take you to the next level to not be bored, someone unique or someone who looks really uninterested in life but has something you love

[BrittBratt2416]

Why worry about falling in love when you're not ready for a relationship right now? You're in your 20's, you have plenty of time to date and find the right person. Stop trying to rush something that should naturally happen, when you stop looking for love, that's usually when you find it.

[hsshannah96]

I’ve been in two but it was to fit in, not to fall in love. I never fell in love either. I don’t know if I’ll be able to.

[Elaine_17]

Yes, and No. I knew of a man who admitted that it was difficult for him to feel "emotions" and that includes love. However, from interacting and observing him, I realized that he doesn't recognize that his own emotions. So, to say people cannot fall in love is wrong. They can, but only if they realize their emotions and feelings that they are capable of love.

[markscott]

Malignant narcissists and sociopaths are incapable of truly falling in love, and they are incapable of loving. For people like these, others exist for the purpose of being used, and true love doesn't enter the equation. Not to say they can't fake the feelings of true love, they just don't actually love others.

[Smegskull]

Please don't conflate sociopaths and psychopaths. It's rather insulting.

[markscott]

@Smegskull : I wasn't conflating narcissists and sociopaths. They are separate and distinct. If I has said the moon and sun are..., I would not be conflating them, and neither did I when I said narcissists and sociopaths. However, bot are incapable of truly loving someone else. You mentioned "it's rather insulting." If you, or someone else, does love someone, they the terms sociopath and malignant narcissist don't apply.

[coachTanthony]

Everyone is capable of falling in love because it's not up to you. Mother Nature is the evil bitch who puts two people together whether they belong together or not. Divorce Rate isn't over 50% because Mother Nature gives a shit. All she cares about is you procreate the species... then you can get divorced or not.. she doesn't care either way. This is why many people fall for people who aren't good for them.. you can't help who you love.. you just fucking do. Mother Nature doesn't look at your resume.. she doesn't give a shit. 90% of the time people who claim they are in love.. are in love with someone who isn't in love with them. Again.. because mother nature isn't magical.. she just does what she does. HER JOB.

[Finchie40]

That's what love is , most people have to go through the bad seeds to find the good one , Best thing to do is date a few people at once just don't give yourself. completley to someone right away eventually you will come across someone that u can't wait to see when that happens end it with all the other ones and then focus on that 1 person and treat them the way u want to be treated , remove selfishness and for love to grow you have to sacrifice things as well , wear his shoes like he should wear yours and you will find love ,

[LawShark]

I don't think anybody is "incapable" of falling in love. Some people are not open to it for many reasons which is a personal choice. Maybe they have been burned so many times in the past they don't want to take any more chances. Maybe they have too low self-esteem and don't think they're good enough. There's a variety of different reasons that someone is not open to the idea but it doesn't mean that they are incapable. Things change. People change. People heal and move on. Anything is possible

[kadegk24]

I honestly am depressed so yes I think i'm incapable of loving or being loved

[sakalator]

Definitely not.. everyone has a piece of love in themselves 🙂 they don't have to if they decide this way, but if they would meet the perfect person for them, they couldn't resist 😉

[ipecaclust]

I'm pretty sure I am.

[Kabluie]

Being in your 20s it's still a young age and not experienced love yet.

There are many factors can contribute to being incapable of love. Life issues, to even mental illnesses such as depression can prevent the mind from seeing and experiencing the pleasure of love.

[Wowgirl10q]

If you fall in love with me you turn to stone

[Jellymonster47]

I said no because yes maybe there are times you will have a bad relationship however to find love you just need to find the right person that thinks the same way as you towards relationships and likes you the same way you like them

[Lance1965]

Everyone is capable of falling in love, it is falling in love with the right person that is the hard part. Often people fall in love with someone they shouldn't have anything to do with. Have a few experiences like that and falling in love becomes a lot harder.

[Asker]

What drives these people to fall in love with the wrong type? That’s what has me curious. I’ve been around people in my life that weren’t the best influence and never felt that pull. I mean what causes two people to fall in love. What does it feel like? Is falling in love all about timing and a bit of luck? I mean they say you can walk down the street and bump into the next person you fall in love with. I’ve bumped into a decent amount of people and never fell head over heels with them. What I’m saying is: are we not able to choose who we fall in love with? Don’t we take the time to get to know someone and from there things escalate? Or is it really this pull that brings people together? A feeling that you can’t describe?

[lernulo]

I said no, but I think it isn't your case.
I think you are too mind-focused, in fact I think you should make things you love before trying to get in love

[Asker]

Can you go into a bit more detail?