Feel betrayed after finding out my boyfriend has struggled with porn for years and has been watching it behind my back. What should I do?

[Anonymous]

I had my suspicions about my boyfriend watching porn for a while now, because he was always turning every conversation into sex or making sexual innuendos which were very pornographic. We are both Christians and he said he is saving himself for marriage. We had a conversation the other day about it and he admitted to watching porn whilst being in a relationship with me. It made me feel physically sick that he was looking at naked women on screen and getting off on it. I feel so differently about him now and I feel like our relationship is destroyed. I feel like he views these women as more attractive than me and with bigger boobs, better body. He said he is incredibly sorry and he once tried giving it up for six months but then went back to it. He says that he is broken and it’s his go-to place when he’s feeling down or stressed. He says eventually he wants to quit and if we got married he wouldn’t watch it. He told me these women mean nothing to him and he forgets about them the minute he stops watching it and that he loves me and I’m the only girl in the world for him. I cried and walked away from him and told him that i was shocked and needed to process things. I can’t get the image out of my head that he is looking at other women in a lustful way. I have noticed when we are both swimming together he will stare at women in bikinis and when we are on a plane he will stare at the air hostesses and it makes me feel sick and inadequate. When he’s with me he is always pinching my bum and making sex jokes about the two of us doing it in the future. He also makes crude comments about women which I find deeply offensive and disrespectable. He told me that when he watches porn he images he is the man who is having sex with the girl in the video and it made me feel even worse. I feel betrayed and hurt and I can’t get over this. I have thought about breaking up with him. Am I normal to feel hurt and betrayed by this?

[Anonymous]

Some selected quotes from your question which shed light on your situation:
"We are both Christians and he said he is saving himself for marriage."
This is unnatural, especially given your ages. When sexuality, a normal human quality, is unexpressed it takes a perverted line. Its one of the reasons there are so many priests and pastors who abuse their positions and molest. Christianity is negative on sex and blames women for "sin". So he tries to suppress his urges instead of dealing with them until something has to burst.
And he's not just looking at the porn, he is probably masturbating to it (and there is nothing wrong with that either). The origin of the Christian/Jewish ban on masturbation and homosexuality is "the sin of Onan" (look it up) which is the spilling of seed outside the womb-means that sex was for pleasure rather than procreation. Let's continue:
"I feel like he views these women as more attractive than me and with bigger boobs, better body."
Most women are insecure, especially about their bodies, and think he is comparing their bodies to yours and how can they compete? Most men will tell you this is garbage-porn is a visual aide. Men know that porn is a fantasy and real women aren't perfect. Rest assured, if he gets an erection then he is turned on by you.
Most women, even secular, object to porn because it makes them feel inadequate for these body insecurities. This is not how men think. Most men would prefer a real woman, small boobs and cellulite notwithstanding to a video image of a perfect body.
"I have noticed when we are both swimming together he will stare at women in bikinis and when we are on a plane he will stare at the air hostesses and it makes me feel sick and inadequate."
This proves my first 2 pts above-suppression of sexuality just builds the desire. And your insecurities ("sick and inadequate").
Concluding-any male, starved of sex, will react like this. Ask any psychologist. And by the way-95% of men admit to looking at porn and 5% lie. All men look at porn.

[RockStarBob]

Your boyfriend sounds like any normal, redblooded man... especially at y'all's age! His hormones are going wild. He needs release. Please don't project your preconceived notions and hangups about sex onto him or your relationship.
If you can't handle this side of him (or any man), then you are left with a few choices...
1. Break up and find someone else who will lie to you better
2. Break up and become a nun
3. Break up and just remain celibate
4. Watch porn together, and maybe satisfy certain carnal urges together but separately
5. Have sex with him

[jaidee]

Men have urges more frequent and more intense than you seem to realize. You probably have desires and pulsions too, but of a very different intensity.
... and you're judging him based on criteria that reflect the level of your needs. And that's an unfair scale to judge him by. It's as if a cat was judging a fish for how much he indulges in water.

[MaosLeves]

Bottom line is, a guy needs to get off to be calm, and of you want to save sex for marriage what you want him to do? Look at you full clothed and get it off? It is important masturbation sometimes, at least is not cheating. He looks because you want to wait, he loves you but he is also a human man body. But if you still feel like he should wait even more and be more conservative then you know what to do

[Anpu23]

Here is a thought. If either you or one of your friends read romantic fiction such as the Harlequin Novels would you consider it wrong, or cheating? If you find the one permissible and the other abhorrent why? Both are fantasy of a sexual nature. The one depicts, the other describes but in essence both are appealing to the same base instinct.

Guys are very visual while women have a tendency to be very cerebral in sexual arousal.

These are just some ideas to put it in perspective.

[CuChullan]

FFS grow up.

[genericname85]

realize that your natural urges are totally normal and that chrisitan believe made people wait till marriage in the bible, cause back then you got married with like 13...

[NYCQuestions1976]

It's okay to be be hurt, but you're also overthinking.

[LongShlongSilvr]

Calm down. He's not lusting after any of those only whores. He's just using the images as a way to get himself off. Maybe he has a porn addiction and maybe he doesn't. Lot's of people use porn to help them rub one out and as soon as it's over, probably don't even remember who they watched in the video, they just remember that watching two people fuck helped them rub one out. You sound like you're feeling betrayed because your insecure about yourself. The two of you should help each other with your problems and that will help strengthen your bond.

[theskyisbluue]

Stop being selfish.

[josh4uf]

People watch porn, porn is made to be watched. If you don't like it and he does, then maybe y'all aren't compatible? But shaming someone for watching something tilted under Adult Entertainment is like telling a kid that watching cartoons is bad.