Could my boyfriend be a sex addict, or is he just too horny?

[Anonymous]

My boyfriend of over 2 years, whom I’ve known for nearly a decade already, is really horny most of the time. He masturbates on average 3x a day, every day, & he usually has a lot of porn tabs open on his computer or phone—things he preloads “for later.” Also, he is ALWAYS up for sex, as in every time we meet. He always wants me to come at least 3-5 times before we work on him (he takes a LONG time to come compared to me). Usually he fingers me until I’m exhausted, we have sex to rile him up before he pulls out after 10-20 minutes and then starts to jerk off. It’s difficult for him to come by penetration, and usually he has to use his hand and then insert his penis into my vagina right before he comes for a nice “cream pie.” I think it’s because his penis is used to the feel of his hand & can’t find the right spots through intercourse. Note that he never forces me to have sex with him, always asks me politely if I WANT to do anything sexual, & has even relented after I requested we tone down the sex to once a week/once every other week (depending on how my vagina feels—it has a few tears from sex & has become very sensitive). But it seems to always be on his mind. It’s like every half hour he says something dirty to me. He doesn’t act on it if I tell him I don’t want to, but he gets frustrated sometimes that I don’t have the same sexual drive as he does. He masturbates when he wakes up, then once or twice during the day, and then most probably at night before bed. And this is literally every day. Sometimes I’ll just be lying in bed next to him, reading or browsing on my phone, while he watches porn next to me and jacks off (usually this is during the time we’re waiting for my vagina to “rest”). It’s not always porn—most of the time he just looks at me or asks me to moan, move, and pose for him while he masturbates. Or tell him a kinky story describing sexual stuff we do to each other until he comes. Is he really just a horndog or are there underlying issues here?

[aftershock86nova]

Sounds like he has a problem, one that has been ignored and is now surfacing. If he has these problems it could be caused emotionally, or medically. The other possibility is he is unstable, even if it seems unlikely. Perhaps get to know more about him indirectly, his past and what previous relationships for him have been like, and how they ended. This could be your biggest clue to how you should proceed with your relationship. You likely won't be able to change him or his desire but you might be able to point him in the right direction to find additional outlets besides sex to find enjoyment. Lastly, and hopefully least likely, your his first sexually available partner in which case he has literally cleaved himself to you and won't let go easily, if this is the case you might have just bought yourself a lifemate, as a man's first experience sexually is his strongest bond to the other person and nearly impossible to separate from.

[Asker]

Good insights. Thanks. I’m definitely not his first sexual partner. He’s had a couple girlfriends before me (I’ve met 1 personally) and he’s told me most of what’s happened between him and them since we’ve talked a lot about them over the years (even before we got together). He’s had the same problem with them actually: he can’t come through penetration, and has always had to eventually use his hand to finish. Maybe it’s just a matter of getting used to the feeling of a vagina rather than his hand?

[Hasadiga]

If it is sex addiction, the thing you need to look out for is if he's no longer satisfied from "the usual" stuff. When I was dealing with porn addiction, I lost all interest in my ex. See it as a positive sign that he's still turned on by you.

It sounds like he does have some compulsive behaviours though, and it's worth monitoring and taking to him about it.

[Asker]

Hmm... I see. Thanks! He still gets turned on and gets off on the usual stuff. He just likes to be playful sometimes like asking me to wear the clothes he finds me most sexually attractive in like sheer blouses or dresses, or asking me to pose in a way that gets him going so he can come. So still pretty normal I guess?

[Lilmomma09]

sex/porn addict.
Does he ever act like it bothers him?
Does he feel like he HAS to do it?
If it doesn't bother either of you then i wouldn't worry about it.. but if it bothers you talk with him about it..

[Asker]

Thanks for the response. - My boyfriend is actually a little bothered by it, mostly because his sex drive affects me negatively sometimes on some level. He tells me he can go to a sex addicts group or something if we feel this is the right decision. - Yes, he sometimes feels he has to do it, but only during the times he’s at home doing nothing. It’s not a compulsion that he can’t control when he’s doing something else or anything like that.

[Lilmomma09]

My drive is higher than my boyfriends.. i watch porn too. But i hardly have time so i never just sit and watch an entire porn video or do it multiple times a day. Im sure mine isn't anything like your boyfriends but i watch porn and masturbate for two reasons.. 1. Because it feels good (obviously) 2. Im always stressed out and it helps to take time for myself even if its only for like 5 minutes. I wish my boyfriend wanted sex more.. but he's usually tired from work and we have kids so its not always easy to find time for sex. If you guys dont do sex addict group.. maybe you guys could find a new hobby that gets you out of the house at the times that he would be spending beating off.. I think it is awesome how you guys have an open conversation about it all though. I have trouble talking about what i want sexually. So i just never do..

[Asker]

Hmm... Well he isn’t busy that much these days. He just has to finish his college thesis to graduate so he’s just home a lot unless he’s running errands. Maybe that’s why—it’s just too much free time. Thanks again

[abundantlyrich]

Well did he had sex young or exposed to Porn? that's sexual programming.

[Asker]

Hmmm... From what he’s told me, he first had sex at 20 or 21. BUT he has been watching porn since he was in his early teens. Maybe that could be it. He’s really into the regular stuff you see in porn.

[abundantlyrich]

Scorpio?

[Asker]

Do you mean the zodiac or porn?

[abundantlyrich]

His zodiac

[Asker]

Nah. He’s a Virgo I think. Born 12 September.

[abundantlyrich]

They also too horny as virgo guys

[abundantlyrich]

Does he have real hobbies besides touching himself too much

[Asker]

Yes, he does. Masturbating doesn’t take up his entire day. He still gets a lot of other things done. Maybe 1 1/2 hours at most per day. But that could change when he’s with me. He says he always gets horny when I’m around lol So yeah that’s a problem when we have entire weeks without much to do (we’re both pursuing higher education and there are breaks in between semesters soo yeah, plenty of free weeks the past couple months).

[abundantlyrich]

Is he a high achiever

[Asker]

Umm not exactly? He’s still finishing college (which he was supposed to graduate from years ago). I’m taking my masters degree now (graduated college 2013).

[abundantlyrich]

I mean is he smart in general...

[abundantlyrich]

it's not related to whether he finished or delayed college

[Asker]

Ahh ok. I thought you were asking if he’s ambitious. He’s smart yeah, and has his own sort of intelligence like everybody else.

[summiter]

He has a high sex drive. It is kinda weird that he can't orgasm from penetration alone. I think he is use to his hand. Maybe give him handjobs instead of sex so your body can recover a bit.

[Asker]

Yeah! I give him handjobs and blowjobs but can never find the exact right way to jerk him off so after a few minutes he has to do it himself to finish :/

[summiter]

Have him give you feed back when you jerk him off. Watch carefully how he does it.

[Asker]

Haha yeah we’ve done that. He’s told me what to do, and I’ve got it a few times but can’t keep it consistent. Then he just ends up doing it himself since I can’t get him to come by myself :/

[summiter]

I think he is watching too much porn and it may be affecting how he views sex. Can you get him to watch less porn?

[MrSmoothi3]

I'm actually like this as well. They are just mentally strong and active. And have a strong imagination. a lot of it has to do with the thought processes.

[Someguynamedbob]

He just has a high sex drive, people like this are usually best to date other people with high sex drives or it could lead to infidelity

[ryryryan]

Sounds totally normal, I would prescribe him a new girlfriend to keep pace cuz no guy actually prefers beating off three times a day if they don't have to. This is why I can be with just one woman, I would be masterbating 5 hours a day, I'm just as horny as your boyfriend and have 4 girlfriends in open relationship and still I'm jerking off at least once a day😂✌️. Ideally I would have sex with all four a couple times a day each but that's been unachievable so far

[ryryryan]

*why I Can't be with one woman

[Asker]

Lol thanks. But I think in my case it’s different. He says he gets off “more intensely” when I’m around, and tells me I’m the only one he wants to be with. Given our history (long friendship, openly talking out our exes and sex with them, etc) I think he’s being sincere. Also, we’re together most of the time, and video chat each other when we’re apart, so I’m pretty sure he’s not seeing someone on the side for sex. I think he’s just fascinated by porn scenarios—he’s into all the main porn staples and fetishes and stuff.

[ryryryan]

Yea porn is great and everything, but it's always the fall back if sex isn't available... I don't know anyone who prefers masterbating to real sex.

[Asker]

He doesn’t really prefer masturbating. If he could have sex with me whenever he feels horny AND I could keep up, we’d probably be doing it every time. I think he’s just been watching so much porn that he asks me to dress/act like the girls in the videos when we’re in bed. It’s like what he’s used to seeing when he wants to finish off.

[ryryryan]

Yea it's not a healthy addiction if it consumes hours of your life and replaces real sex

[Asker]

Well, it doesn’t really—so that’s good. It only takes up maybe 2hrs of his day max. And when the option to have sex is there, we do have sex. His problem is coming by penetration though. I think he’s just used to his hand.

[Ashleymay]

Sounds like it may be more then just horny especially if he needs his had to get off

[harryrai4]

Follow me then I pm you

[TheRealQuestion]

I would definitely want sex more than once a week.