Boyfriend started losing erection during sex. Is it me?

[Anonymous]

Hello, We've been together 7 months. The first two months sex was great with no issues. We'd have sex 4-5 times a week. Then he stopped wanting it as much around month 3 and ever since it's been around 1-2 times a week. I would try to initiate but would be turned down mostly with the excuse 'im too tired'. The latest issue is he's started having a hard time keeping his erection when we start having sex. I've tried introducing new positions, nothing works. He can keep his erection with oral or hand stimulation but about 30 secs or so into sex he starts to lose it. I can't help but think it's something I'm doing or that he's bored with me. I'm a little sensitive about this because a few months after I broke up with my last boyfriend we had a talk and he told me he found me boring in bed and that was one of the reasons he ended it. So I feel like this might be history repeating itself. We are both fit, young and eat healthy. I'm in my 20's he's 33. No drugs, he rarely drinks and does not smoke. We have not had any relationship issues or problems outside of the bedroom. He works a regular 40 hr week in a job that is not physically demanding. There is nothing unusual or particularly stressful going on in his life that he's told me of. I finally tried to talk to him about it last night and it did not go well. I asked him if he could tell me some things he likes or wants in the bedroom. He asked me why I was asking him this and I told him because I was curious and that 'sometimes i feel like I don't quite do it for you when we have sex'. He got really defensive and mad and told me he didn't want to talk about it so I dropped it. I don't even know where to go from here. I'm afraid to bring it up with him again and think that might have made things worse. Guys what do you think this could be about? I just want to know if it's me or if there's something we can do to fix it. I should also mention we're moving in together at the end of the month...

[CuChullan]

This isn't a black and white issue, as in if i do this and that it will cure the problem. When this appears in a mans' life it is devastating for him. You have no idea how it can effect a guy. The last thing he wants is to put himself in a position of failure. And it's failure that's on his mind. Yet he will feel obliged to make the effort. Talking, women talk, men don't, not on issues like this. He will get defensive, most guys do, he doesn't have the answers.
The best thing he can do is talk to his doctor, there may be underlying health issues going on. But that needs to be cleared up first. Then the problem can be dealt with. But getting him to the doc and getting him to open up about it is another matter.
But getting him to go for a health check is vital first.

[Asker]

Yea I really feel like I made a mistake trying to talk about it. I know if I suggest he sees a dr for a checkup he'll be even more offended and defensive. The balls in his court on this. I'm not going to try to talk about it with him again and I'm just going to stop initiating all together. Maybe that will take some pressure off him. Then if things stay the same or get worse I have to decide if ending this is best for me. I love him. I don't want to end it and we're even set to move in together Oct 1st. This really sucks

[CuChullan]

You made no mistake, you weren't to know how he would react. Men get very defensive on some issues. You have to get him to a doctor. Do you share the same doctor by any chance? If you do maybe have a word with him/her about this. If no, then you have to draw him out to start thinking about getting himself checked out. And you have to be careful how you do it. Not an easy job, and you'll need patience. Maybe don't initiate any more sex, let him. If he fails again, then tell him you don't care about the sex, you're worried about him, and for both your sake you would like him to see the doctor to clear that there is no health problem neither you nor him know about. Hug him, get him to cry, be understanding, not questioning, be gentle, don't care if he gets mad, you need him to open up. I wish you luck, men, and i'm one, are idiots.

[madhatters4]

it's not you. it's him
he could be having some sort of anxiety issues
he could be masturbating too much

tell him that masturbating too much cause stimulus confusion (a term i invented) where the body becomes too accustom to his hand and porn as stimulus than sex... i had a similar issue and simply not masturbating corrected it within a week or so. he doesn't have to admit to too much masturbation of course hopefully can be honest with himself and try cutting it back

if that isn't the issue then he may need to go to a doctor

[sassygirl13]

Most probably it's not you.
He is stressed so less erections then you brought it up and he ends with performance anxiety. It's a vicious cycle.
First stop initiating to remove the pressure. Next you can suggest physical check ups as dehydration, vit D deficiency , medications and medical conditions can cause such issue. Remember it happens to many guys at one point specially under stress or depression so don't focus on it gor a while is the best move.

[TrixiePooch]

He has another girl on the side and can't handle more than one. Have you noticed any strange behavior or being gone a lot?

[Asker]

Unless he's getting it when he's at work.. Otherwise he's with me every night after he gets off. He goes out with friends a couple times a month... I just don't see how he'd be able to fit another woman into that schedule.

[TrixiePooch]

you would be surprised what a person can do when sex is involved

[Kelly6]

Honey does he have a fetish or something?
I’m asking because I’ve see this in my life too.

[Asker]

If he does he has not shared it with me. And as I mentioned I tried asking him if there was anything new he'd like to try or wanted and he just shut down and got defensive

[Kelly6]

That means he’s hiding it. Don’t ask, just be more open to him so he can share his secrets. Talk about porn or anything

[Anonymous]

Probably a closeted gay or just highly prefers menx

[MrKinktastic]

It happens to me if I'm stressed out, in pain or upset about something. I wouldn't read too much into it, I haven't actually heard of it ever being an issue with being attracted to the woman (though some guys will use this as a cop out)

[Asker]

I'm trying not to stress out about it but how can either of us be happy in this relationship if our sex life is like this and doesn't change...

[MrKinktastic]

The doesn't change part is where something needs to change. If its been going on a long time then its time for therapy/sex therapy and a dr to look into whats going on to make sure its not anything medical.

[pumaOH24]

I find it odd that he was questioning you asking him what he wanted or liked during sex.
You would think that he would want to talk about this to make sex better. It seems like you are willing to do or try a lot of different things and most guys would love a girlfriend like that.
Are there certain positions where he loses interest while doing it or positions don’t matter?
How is his mood during foreplay?

[Asker]

He's seems engaged and interested during foreplay. It's easy to get him aroused via oral or hand stimulation. He loses it in just about every position and believe me I've tried many different positions. He's also not a very 'take the lead' kind of guy in the bedroom so I feel like I have to steer where it goes. We almost always start with me on top because that's the only thing he seems to steer us into.

[pumaOH24]

Does he keep his erection if you finish him with a bj? If you start on top, do you switch positions after awhile? Does he lose it before or after you switch? If he is into it during foreplay then I’m not sure what is happening during that will make him lose interest during. Is this happening every time now or just on certain days of the week? Are you the one initiating sex most of the time or does he ask for too?

[Asker]

He never seems to want to finish during oral and always pulls me on top after a certain point. He then starts to lose it when I'm on top so we'll switch to a different position. No matter what that position is he loses it entirely. We only have sex one to two times a week now.. It was way more than that the first two months we were together. I've given up initiating as much because I get turned down so often. It's about 50/50 with initiating. Also about 50/50 with him just losing his erection or being able to finish.

[Asker]

I also have to say I was hopeful the last time we had sex because he initiated and had had the whole day off to rest and relax (I had to work that day) So I thought surely this should be better than usual after he's had time to relax and seems to be in the mood... nope.

[pumaOH24]

He even lost it during it when he initiated it? Is him losing it just happening only recently or did it happen in the past? Has he ever let you finish him orally?

[Asker]

Yep... I have to say though I feel like he initiates once a week because he feels like he has to... Not because he really wants to. Its my gut feeling. Never has let me finish him off orally. This has been going on for the past three months off and on.

[Asker]

I'm starting to worry he's sleeping with someone else or he has a problem with porn. He was off the whole day we last tried to have sex so how could he have been too tired to keep an erection like he first said or that there wasn't enough foreplay which was the second excuse?

[pumaOH24]

I don’t think you are the cause of him losing it. There must be other reasons why it’s happening if it’s happening every time now. That’s weird that he’s never let you finish him orally? Does he ever do anything orally on you? Did you ask him if he’s watching porn? Have you offered to watch it with him? Sorry about all the questions. Just trying to get a general feel for how your sex life is.

[Asker]

He never returns the favor orally. I don't even need to ask if he watches porn because I know he does. I saw it on his phone history when he was searching something on google one day. I think he's generally uncomfortable discussing sex in general because of his religious upbringing and background. I can understand it based on what he's told me of his childhood. I don't think having sex brings on guilt issues of any kind because I know he watches porn and from looking back on how our sex life began. He just doesn't like to discuss it.

[pumaOH24]

His religious upbringing might be why he won’t go down on you or let you finish on him. It still kind of odd that he won’t do that but watches porn. If he watches it a lot and masturbates every time then that might explain why he can keep it up during sex... especially if does it earlier in the day before you try to do it with him.

[SjE78]

it could be stress or a medical condition he may have developed recently
or it could be fatigue

[Browneye57]

Naw, there's something else going on here. He's either addicted to porn, doing someone else, or has a health issue.
Have him get checked out by a doctor. And find out what he's doing when he's not with you. This is on HIM.
The 'prepared' thing or 'foreplay' is bullshit. Guys are ready to go in an instant.

[DeaconPope]

There are no right or wrong answer really it could be a combination of things honestly. You can only do so much and he may not know why it's happening either and that could be very frustrating for him which only makes the problem worse.

[Asker]

Could one of the reasons be he has a porn problem? I remember a week or so ago I asked him to look something up on his phone on google and when he started typing I saw the history pop up and it was a string of porn sites... Why on earth would someone be looking at porn on their phone?

[DeaconPope]

Um no comment. Lmao It could be might have to get on his phone find out what kind of porn he is watching he may have a link he is not comfortable with sharing yet.

[DeaconPope]

Kink not link

[Anon-ymous1]

Uh it may be related to moving in together? I dunno.

[Asker]

That's why I mentioned it was on the horizon for us. I worry that maybe he's having second thoughts on that.. although it was his idea.

[Anon-ymous1]

Hmm well if it was his idea then that seems unlikely, though he could always be having cold feet about it regardless, I suppose. I don't know sis. It's a tough thing. I recommend looking up some articles maybe in men's magazines or advice columns written by guys about appropriate ways for a girl to broach this subject with her dude.

[Senacık]

Try theresome.