Friends with benefits - backfired

[kyrstin-lynn]

I met a guy in college just this year and we've been hooking up for the past two months. We agreed in the beginning that this was strictly sexual because neither of us wanted to be in a relationship. We call each other when we're drunk and usually have sex late at night sometimes on the weekends and sometimes the weekdays but I started having feelings for him. His roommates asked for my number one day and he gave it to them and they started calling me trying to hook up with me. I told him about it and he didn't seem to really care so it pissed me off a little bit. After this dance one night his roommate called me and asked me to come get him because he wanted to go home and he was with Derek (the guy I like) and some girl. When he got in the car I asked where Derek was and he said he was trying to hook up with some girl. So anyways his roommate invited me back to his house to hang out and I went. Derek came home with the girl and they went down to his room while his roommate tried to get me to come into his room. I said no and left and immediately after I closed the door I heard the lights flip on in the house and Derek came outside but by that time I had got into my car and left because I really didn't want to be there. The next morning Derek calls me (which he never calls me in the morning) and I didn't answer. I made the mistake of hooking up with Derek's friend after that and he found out about it. He got really angry with me but then he would totally change and say that he didn't care...or to quote him "I don't give a f**k"...but that next night he called me like 7 times and I didn't answer because I had lost my phone...he left two voice mails and even called my friends that I was with trying to get ahold of me. I think my question is that why do guys try to act so hard like they don't care when signs are telling me all over the place that he might feel a little bit more for me and just doesn't want to admit it or is afraid of getting rejected. Anyways tonight I texted him and asked him what he was doing this weekend and he texted me back asking me who I was...I know he had my number in his phone so that means he deleted it. Why would he delete my number? When I asked him and tried to call him he didn't answer and only texted me back answering my question that I asked. I asked him that by deleting my number did that mean that he didn't want to talk to me anymore. He wouldn't give me a reason why. He is the one that told me he didn't want anything but sex and then he goes and freaks out when I hook up with his friend saying that he doesn't give a f**k when he obviously does. Is it even worth my time to think about this or can you give me some advice as to the signs he has been sending me and if I'm reading way too much into them? Any advice would be great. Do you think that he has feelings for me and is afraid to admit it or do you think he just really doesn't want anything to do with me anymore?

[joecollege]

This is the straight up truth, what I am about to tell you. I am telling you this to help you with this situation, because I care about what you are going through. Don't take this the wrong way, everyone comes to this site for the straight up honesty they can't find on their own. That being said :)

You both had an agreement of your relationship: Casual, sexual and not looking for a relationship. You broke that by having feelings for him and getting upset when his friends wanted to hook up with you, He broke it by getting upset that you did hook up with his friend even though he let it happen.

Think about what happened, none of this was in the agreement. You didn't tell him how you felt about him and how you really felt about him letting his friend try to hook up with you. He started to realize he had feelings for you, but then when he called you (like nine times) you never answered in his moment of emotional confusion. It hurt him that you didn't answer and he probably asked himself "Why am I trying to call a girl who got upset when I let my friend try to hook up with her, but in the end she hooks up with him anyway? She probably did it to be vindictive and hurt me for sleeping with another girl. I don't need this drama." (it also sounds like you kind of hid it, from how you describe it). Nobody likes pain, guys girls nobody. So rather than deal with the emotional mess that was once a straight up relationship, he deleted your number to end the drama.

He doesn't want to talk to you, or he'd say or do something. If he ever does something, you should tell him how you really feel. The problem was changing the agreement, and then not telling each other how you really feel. Let go, learn from this and move on.

[A-R-Norman]

Joe I liked your answer a lot, although I didn't agree with all aspects--it was the real deal...

[DeanW]

Guys usually will try to pretend that they don't care when they aren't sure about a girl's level of commitment to them or fondness for them.

You know how you sometimes get an intuition and you don't know where it came from? Or how you sometimes feel nervous before even knowing why? The body has a mind of its own and can sense, feel, and become attached to the world. By having sex, you have created a bond with him, and him with you. But his heart and mind are suspicious of the strength of the bond. Having sex with his friend basically confirmed to him that you don't have any relationship potential here (likewise him bringing home some bar girl). So when he realized that he had feelings for you but that he wasn't comfortable with that, he began with the odd behavior.

I think he has feelings for you, but I wouldn't recommend trying to repair this relationship. If you do want to pursue it, I think the two of you need to establish tighter boundaries on acceptable behavior as it's hard to imagine that things will work out heading along this same path.

[A-R-Norman]

Seinfield said it best-- Friends with benefits never works. When will human beings realize that you can't make 'agreements' that cancel out human emotions. If we could, we'd be Vulcans and not humans. Hollywood and people who are somewhat emotionally immature try to tell us that sex is merely physical and meaningless--but our hearts know the truth. MEN as well as women have all grown attached to their FWB partner, then try to suppress what is essentially a natural response -- this is because, despite what anyone says, we are biologically engineered to desire to be with the person we have coupled with. It is human. When we try to defeat design, we ourselves are defeated.

In other words, it isn't nice to fool with mother nature...

Girl, all I can say is take this as a lesson learned. and move on. If you were meant to be together you will be--if not, realize that FWB may not be a relationship you desire to have in the future, and settle for nothing less than what you desire and what you deserve...

[lovebird01]

Very well said! Sex without emotions is impossible! They are always in the mix.

[gangstagirl]

You can't really tell but I guess that he just has mixed feelings about you. Maybe he likes you but when he met up with that other girl he liked her more, and he didn't want you going with his friend because he wasn't sure what his friend would do to you.

[loveAnsweringOldQS]

This is the straight up truth, what I am about to tell you. I am telling you this to help you with this situation, because I care about what you are going through. Don't take this the wrong way, everyone comes to this site for the straight up honesty they can't find on their own. That being said :)

You both had an agreement of your relationship: Casual, sexual and not looking for a relationship. You broke that by having feelings for him and getting upset when his friends wanted to hook up with you, He broke it by getting upset that you did hook up with his friend even though he let it happen.

Think about what happened, none of this was in the agreement. You didn't tell him how you felt about him and how you really felt about him letting his friend try to hook up with you. He started to realize he had feelings for you, but then when he called you (like nine times) you never answered in his moment of emotional confusion. It hurt him that you didn't answer and he probably asked himself "Why am I trying to call a girl who got upset when I let my friend try to hook up with her, but in the end she hooks up with him anyway? She probably did it to be vindictive and hurt me for sleeping with another girl. I don't need this drama." (it also sounds like you kind of hid it, from how you describe it). Nobody likes pain, guys girls nobody. So rather than deal with the emotional mess that was once a straight up relationship, he deleted your number to end the drama.

He doesn't want to talk to you, or he'd say or do something. If he ever does something, you should tell him how you really feel. The problem was changing the agreement, and then not telling each other how you really feel. Let go, learn from this and move on.

[fastboxster]

Let's see here, is it "Why by the cow when you can get the milk for free?", or is it "Have your cake and eat it too?" Actually A-R-Norman has it right I think, the Seinfield quote is right-on.

[beast69e]

I've deleted the number too. When it comes to guys deleting the number and acting all hard, it is just a way to make the pain go away. What you need to do is be dominant just go up to him, and basically hash out what is going on tell him how you feel...everything tell him he doesn't even need to talk, then kiss him and walk away...in a moment he'll chase you and tell you everything and basically there's your new bf.

[millionaremia]

Yeah right that's a new fairy tale I've heard. Send me a message telling me how in the hell that would work please.

[peopleknowme]

Are we serious here? The simple answer? He's a pig! But that's what you bargained for when you went strictly for sex... it doesn't work that way, too powerful of emotions to not have some sort of attachment. With fidelity, the attachment is wholesome... but this way has become sadistic and hurtful. Now all the two of you are doing is playing a game of hurt. I hurt you and then you hurt me back and the cycle continues.

If you aren't ready for a relationship, stay away from the things that lead to relationships; sex, kissing, deep emotional attachments. But the truth of it is... why would he settle down if he can get some for free. We are all our own pimps... we set our prices. You've sold yourself self cheap to a sleezy guy.

Oh, he has feelings for you, but more as a possession then anything. There's nothing in it emotionally for him... most guys don't get emotional about casual sex... that's why it's called casual. He sounds like the jealous type. I would leave him alone. It seems not you are ready for a relationship... go find someone who is looking for the same thing as you... remember, you set your own standards, so don't be surprised if you get a loser or a prince.

[A-R-Norman]

I can agree with this perspective as well, as I have met men who do this--act possessive when they don't care about the girl.