Getting over rape?

First, I don’t know how to start this off so I’m going to get right into it. I was friends with a 32 year old coworker of mine who I also knew outside of work. I liked him as a friend and he wasn’t bad looking. When we began working together, we started texting a lot more and it turned flirty fairly quickly, and me being 18 with absolutely no sexual experience or previous boyfriend, I was very uncomfortable. He met me outside of work one day and pushed me against my car, stuck his tongue in my mouth, and grabbed me extremely hard. Because I refused to meet with him previously, he began telling me I owed him. It turned into a Jeckyll and Hyde situation, to where he was always nice to me in public but would text me that he was going to continue waiting for me outside of work. He texted me before work one day and asked me to come over. I did, and this is where I feel the most regret. I went over there, against my better judgement. I figured if anything got out of hand, he would listen to me. I went inside and he told me to “get naked” like we (he) planned, and I just stood there terrified. I told him I didn’t know about this situation and didn’t want to do anything and he just asked if I needed help getting undressed. During this, he hit me a couple of times (I think he meant it to be sexual; but he hit my back instead) and when I told him he was hurting me he mocked me and went harder. After this whole thing, he kissed me once, opened the door, and I left. I told one girl about it, who asked if I was okay, and she told everyone. He got word of it and so I played it off like it was a hook-up, and that’s where I’m still confused. I have to own my part in this; even though I didn’t want to happen what did. I went to his place one more time to bring him to work (he doesn’t have a car from DWI charges) and he made me blow him. That’s why I don’t know what to call this.
Updates:
+1 y
While he was telling me that I owed him, he was telling everyone we worked with that I was a slut. I had to quit my job because of this and recently ran into him at my new one, where he was drunk, and told the entire place that I lost my previous job for hooking up with our manager and that I “cheated” on him. I just don’t know how to feel.
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Most Helpful Guys

  • What a fuck head! Stay the fuck away from him. I really don't understand why you even bothered giving him a ride again after all that bullshit he pulled. Unless, you felt it was your fault it happened. Which it really wasn't. I think it's a bit too convenient he showed up at your next job. Sounds like stalker shit to me, to keep tabs on you. He's playing it pretty sly as well, getting everyone else against you, so he looks squeaky clean. You ever watch that movie, with J-Lo about an abusive relationship she was in and she couldn't escape her husband, where she finally beat the shit out of him to death to end it all.

    I think you can't keep working on this yourself. You need perhaps your father involved or someone that can fuck this guy up or get him thinking otherwise about messing with you. Like it doesn't sound like he's going to stop fucking with you now. Maybe a restraining order, but if this guy is as crafty as I think he is, he'll just get around it his own way. He's also careful of not getting into a situation where he can get into enough trouble, just stays out of the major heat or possible ways of being accused to get into trouble with laws.

    But yeah I'm sorry this bullshit is happening to you. Just stay the fuck away from him as best as possible. Don't be afraid of using the law in your favor whenever you can, so if you feel he's stalking you or harassing you, get the law involved. Don't second guess your instincts any longer with this guy.

  • Several of my friends are rape survivors. Most of them have similar stories to you.

    Firstly, I'm so sorry this happened to you. Nothing can undo his actions, and I have yet to find a country where the law adequately extends compassion to a survivor.

    As a man, we are actually aware of the following:
    1) A girl flirting with you is not consent
    2) a girl's choice of clothing is not consent
    3) a girl saying "maybe" is not consent
    4) ordering a girl to "get naked" is not acceptable (usually)
    And most importantly
    5) it is NEVER OK to hit a girl.

    I'd suggest you speak to the police and report this.

    Your "part" in this is that you were 18 and tried to say no but he ignored you.

    That's rape. And you are a Rape Survivor.

    Period.

Most Helpful Girls

  • First I want you to NEVER say you have to own your part in this! Do not ever take any blame for someone's sickness! It's called sexual assault and you need to report him. He's likely done it to others and will again! I'm so sorry this happened to you. You owe him, nor anyone else, anything! Until someone is in that position, they have no idea how emotional fear can paralyze you and what you will do under duress. Just like people who are held captive start to believe in their capter, stalkholme syndrome, it's a survival instinct. Mentally we try to adapt to survive when we are threatened.

    • Thank you for this. I truly appreciate your sincerity and willingness to offer me such understanding advice! From your explaination I feel like I can try to make sense of everything going on in my head. Thank you so much.

    • Good luck to you dear. I'm very sorry.

    • Thank you! I guess I just feel like an idiot because I still went over to his house, and looking back at who I was compared to who I am right now, I feel like I was so young and naive but still old enough to know right from wrong, that I should’ve done more to assert my boundaries. I feel like because I didn’t do that, that I was a tease. I liked him and he knew that, and even though we talked about things as I was inexperienced, I wasn’t ready for to go that far. Because I went to his house, I put myself in that position so I feel like I kind of asked for it and can’t be mad at him because of that. Those were my actions and I can’t take them back.

  • Omg ! This left a really bitter taste in my mouth. Like you said it was your lack of better judgement but he took advantage of you
    For this I would ensure you get justice. I would report to HR, the Police and further. This is wrong on soo many levels and I think if he isn't stopped he will do it again. I know you are hurting and I am truly sorry this happened to you but I still feel in all this mess there is strength , you can use your voice to help others avoid this in future especially young girls.

    • I recently told my former boss about it after setting up a meeting with him, and he actually laughed at me. He told me I don’t work there anymore so it basically wasn’t his problem and that he isn’t a cop so there isn’t anything he can do based on not having any evidence. I tried going to the police about it as well with an advocate from a rape crisis center and they pretty much just dismissed it as a “he said, she said” case. But I do agree with you. There is strength underneath all of this, and I have to make my way through the layers to get to it. I don’t feel I’m the same person from before this, and there’s bitterness there too. But I think time will heal things and he’ll get his one day.

    • @Asker I seriously think the Justice System of the world are seriously flawed. Anyways, do not despair. For as sure as night and morning comes, his day will come too. He will be made to give account for his crimes and sins. He may try this again but will not be lucky.

    • That third statement is incredibly helpful. Thank you for that. And yes, I agree with you. It is. This is exactly why these things don’t get reported. It’s easier to live with it and keep it all down inside, instead of risking it being thrown back up in your face or dealing with the harassment that the justice system puts you through. Somebody or something, God or the Universe is watching and is well aware of him, and he’ll get his.

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What Girls & Guys Said

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  • He is lying to you and manipulating you. You should get the police involved. Tell them he tried to rape you and you lied and said it was consensual because you were worried he would hurt you more if you offended him. This isn’t your fault. This is only his. You need to go to those who will stand up for you.

  • This is so horrible:( But you're not alone and you've got a lot of people here for you! It seems like you've been given a lot of good advice from some awesome people. I hope things work out in your favor. No one deserves this and he shouldn't get away with what he's done. Stay strong you got this and I wish you all the best going forward. (HUGS)

  • It would be Your word against His, dear. This is how I am seeing it.
    ….. and he made me blow him.
    I call this "I could easily have gotten away from this Joe Blow."
    ….. I went to his Place ONE MORE TIME.
    *I don't see a Crime except you have been a Glutton for Punishment. xx

    • Welcome though to Gag Town and Best of Luck. xx

    • @Paris13🤗🤗🤗

  • The way i see it... you keep getting yourself into it. And there was no sexual intercourse so no rape. Just sexual assault.
    I think after the whole "owed him" thing, i would have kept my distance.

    • Nobody asks to be raped. Or sexually assaulted. And there's no such thing as "just" sexual assault FYI. Read the other comments and it's reasonably clear forcible sex did occur so yes, this girl has been raped. At her age of 18, with no frame of reference, he manipulated the whole situation for his gratification. Maybe YOU would have kept your distance. But as an 18 year old girl, would you really have know how?

    • (read her reply to @4465loveyou5577's comment)

    • @DJB72 well... now she has learned. thats all i can say @RedRobin i read it... im just tired of the stories...

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  • Oh gosh.. this is just awful. First off, I'm so sorry this happened to you, and I'm sorry about some of these comments.

    You don't owe him ANYTHING. What he did to you was awful, and he's disgusting for taking advantage of you. You didn't deserve this nor was it your fault, period. I'd report him asap/get a restraining order, and contact a therapist, it's important to have a support system.

    If you ever need a listening ear, feel free to PM me. Best wishes to you.

  • I feel you should really speak to a counsellor who would be more experienced and could help you better in this.
    What do you mean when you said you "played it off like it was a hook-up"? You told your colleagues in your previous workplace that it was just a normal hook-up, and that everything is fine?

    • I told the one girl what happened and she told everybody he raped me. He got word of it and turned it all around, and I didn't know what to think at the time. I had to work with him every single day, we had all mutual friends, and he told me I risked his job position for “not keeping my fucking mouth shut” after he turned it all around like I was a slut.

    • I can't say what I want here cause it would probably get me arrested but I hate that man so much. He is a worthless piece of scum and one day God will tell him how much pain the human being can get

    • @jennifer_bloom I agree. Hopefully before he does it to somebody else. He’s incredibly cocky and he’s going to meet his karma one day.

  • contact the police, please-there are probably others who have gone through similar situations with this sick predator. and please consider talking to a professional, someone who can help you through this in a professional and trained manner. we on GaG are concerned but maybe we don't have the right words and tools at our disposal

  • As soon as you felt uncomfortable you had a right to formally make a complaint to HR bc it’s within work place. The texts you could show to police bc he’s threatening you dnd st thjs pont thst is illegal activity. The fact you felt like you had to meet with him at all at any point is dreadful. Doesn’t matter if you texted nicely once or1000 Times.. At no point were you under any obligation at all to do anything and him holding anything over you is grounds for dismissal on his part.

    As for the stuff that happened when going there. Doesn’t matter why you ended up there. People can understand your feeling pressured or not. Doesn’t matter. Once there being being forced against your will is fake. Even if you guys had sex consentually 100 times. At no time does anyone legally have the right to force themselves on you no matter what kind of story they spin. No one has to agree with why you went there to recognize it’s rape. There seems to be cognitive issue with some people recognizing the difference. Take us hard to price that dies not mean you were not raised. You were raped and I’m tremendously sorry. snd you were not raked bc women are ‘ emotional’ he behaved like an animal he was not rational and you were faced with pressures that can be hard to relate to and or explain in paper to people who don’t face them.

    You can get a restraining order st least and if you still have the texts you can build a case if you get other people experiencing similar things. You probably can’t prove individual rape at this point but if you organize with other people you can build a case together.

    Also this falls under work place harassment. Which in itself is a violation. I’m sure he behaves this way with others and if not him there are always people who do... Harrassnent and threats gaslightibg manipulation take all happen frequently in work places. It’s illegal today In was it wasn’t in the past but it is still difficult to bring people to justice. I understand you feeling traumatized but my guess is when you are ready, organizing with people in similar situation quad help you heal. Fighting back collectively is the best way to not feel victimized or alone... plus you may help others in the process. Which is empowering.

    Have you reached out to any support groups and or activists groups. It’s best not to go on feeling like you are the only one and It can be challenging dealing with people who have not been what you have been through.

    I wish you all the best😊🌺🍀

    • Actually stature if limitation in all 50 states ranges from 3 to 30 years. I was under the impression this happened one or two years ago but even if so it is not too late to press charges. I think doing so will be helpful to you as it will be stating to yourself he did raid you and everything is not fine and you are just pretending things sre ok because you are being manipulated... and it’s important for yourself and others bc he is a rapist. He should be prevented from repeating this crjne. Seek a counselor and a support group they will help you contact an activist and most likely you can get your case done probono... take care.

    • @VIVANT Lv you your amazing

    • I recently told my former boss about it after setting up a meeting with him, and he actually laughed at me. He told me I don’t work there anymore so it basically wasn’t his problem and that he isn’t a cop so there isn’t anything he can do based on not having any evidence. I tried going to the police about it as well with an advocate from a rape crisis center and they pretty much just dismissed it as a “he said, she said” case. I don’t have the same phone number or cell phone that those texts were on, and I don’t even think those would be enough proof for them to convict him of anything. I have started seeing a therapist, but I won’t see him again until December. I have thought about a support group, but I also feel like that might be triggering in some ways. Thank you so much for this advice. You have no idea how much I appreciate you taking the time to offer support. 💕

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  • Oh honey I know how you feel to an extent. Please feel free to message me if you would like to talk. I encourage you to report this person to the proper authorities, as I admit to regretting not doing the same. If you need to talk about anything I'm willing to be a sounding board for you.

    • I would love to PM you! I’m still on Level 1 on here though and it says I can’t send messages until I get to Level 2, so once I do so, I will message you! Thank you! Also, I went to the police about it and they dismissed it as a “he said, she said” based on my lack of tangible evidence. I told my former boss about it as well and he actually laughed at me and told me he wasn’t a cop. I definitely regret not saying anything but I didn’t know what to think of it at the time.

  • I honestly don't understand why did you go back to his house after he raped you? I wouldn't give any jerk a ride who raped me. You don't owe him ANYTHING.

    Please just report him to the police and get a restraining order. If you let him get away this, he will keep doing this to other girls. Don't do that. Then get professional help. They will help you cope with this better. I'm really sorry for what happened to you.

    • At the time it didn’t register in my head because I was in such shock, especially since we had been friends previously and he was nothing but a nice, genuine person. When something like this happens, it’s traumatic to the point where the fear is almost debilitating. Someone on here pointed out Stockholm Syndrome, and that’s the only explanation I can give, because looking back on things now, I could ask myself the same question. The only difference between then and now is that I’ve let go of the denial, have tried forgiving myself for my part in this, and I don’t have to see him every day or worry that he’s going to wait for me every chance he gets like before. If you read some other comments, I did report it. My former boss promoted him and then he actually laughed at me, and the police dismissed it as a “he said, she said” which happens all the time. Thank you for your words.

    • Ah.. stolkholm syndrome.. Yes.. I'm so sorry. After reading your explanation, I can now clearly understand. Tbh, I can help you a bit with this but I can't tell you about it on here. If you want we can chat in pm, I'll share some stuff with you. Maybe it will help you.. Know that you are NOT alone. I'm here for you and would support you. I would hug you if I could. That guy sounds like a biggest jerk. An arrogant asshole with no empathy, remorse.. He has some superiority complex, I guess. I didn't know police were unhelpful in the west, too.. It's really sad. I have gone through some problems, and the police didn't help me either whenever I needed. But I thought these kind of things happens only in Asia.. Didn't know it happens in other countries too.. It sucks and it's so unfair. It makes me angry. Can you tell any guy friends about what happened? Maybe let them take care. I know if something like this happened with me and I tell my best friend, he would teach that guy a lesson.

    • Guys like him deserves to be in jail or at least get beaten up. I request you to please get professional help. It will really help you with the recovery. They will help you heal. I wish I could give you a hug. Please be strong and know thar we are here for you.

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  • This is one of those situations where you should have filed a sexual harassment issue against him at work with HR

    I am here if you need to talk

    I was raped on my 13th & 14th bday by the same guy. I know how things get out of hand, you don't know what to do or responc and the guy does things you don't want to do.

    Hit me up if / when you need to talk

    • I would love to PM you! I’m still on Level 1 on here though and it says I can’t send messages until I get to Level 2, so once I do so, I will message you! Thank you!

  • Okay this why I always tell women that just in case when it comes to meeting new people. KEEP RECORDS. Screenshot certain messages. If that person is harrasssing you, secretly record if you have to. If you need to get proof rile it up a bit so he can leave evidence so you can lock him up. Do what you have to do to protect yourself. When you have records and think of a solid plan you end up dealing with this type of thing early on. Also take self defense classes when you can, learn how to fight and shoot. Know your rights and have a solid lawyer when you can for insurance.

    Write detailed reports of everything that happened, lead him to places with cameras of you can. Text a friend to follow you guys or alert the police at a certain time. Seriously, there are ways to protect yourself. I'm sorry this happened to you. It's terrible, he's a rapist and deserves jail so don't feel like you owe him shit. But try to do whatever you can to protect yourself next time he comes around.

    • I'm speaking from a more practical standpoint to give you options and ideas by the way. There are of ton of people who want to comfort you emotional on here which is nice. I support that. But I know for myself when I was molestated I wanted advice on how to actually protect myself and deal with it. I wanted my power and dignity back. And that's what I want to try to give you. Not just a tear and a pat on the back from making through. I want you to have justice (not vengeance) so that way you can heal properly and forgive.

    • I just started seeing a therapist actually, but I won’t see him for another month, so I wanted to see if anybody on here had any other advice for me in the meantime. Thank you for all of yours!

  • Damn I'm surprised at how shitty some of these women are being in the comments - all I can say is that I hope they don't get to you or make you feel any worse... I do agree that it is not your fault, I sincerely hope you don't think it is. Fear and shock are powerful things. When it comes to coping with your experiences, the best I can say is to seek help from a professional - I think preferably a female one, in your case.

    I hope things go well for you after this.

    • This means the world to me. Thank you for this.

    • @leMadPotterHattress There is a speacial place in hell for women who don't support other woman...

  • Report your sexual abuse ASAP! Then get counselling fast!, get support from your family or a trusted friend only. This is call sexual abuse, Rape, whatever you want to name it, this was done to you against your will... if no one believes you - I BELEIVE YOU !! You are a survivor of a woman who got taken advantage off and you said "NO" and its absolutely wrong, and illigal!! No one needs to endure such trauma what you experience!! He betrayed your trust, and totally cross the boundaries of a coworker relationship. YOU DONT OWE NO ONE YOURSELF TO NO ONE!! You went back bc of guilt, a shame of yourself, and tried to set it straight with him but at the end you ended up jerking him bc of being intimidated by him as he would hurt you again by being physically with you. Please report it! YOU ARE NOT A SLUT! Thats what abusers use to make them in control of you, and so you can believe it and live with a great guilt of being dirty for the rest of your life, WHICH YOU ARE NOT!! YOU are one brave young lady!! Dont let one baster take your sweet spirits out if you. Hugs and hope all goes well with your situation!! Xx

  • Are you seeing a therapist? If you aren't they are government funded in situations like this

    • THANKS GIRLS

    • You ladies are great

  • @kmarie3: Please private message me. I can help however you need.

    • I would love to PM you! I’m still on Level 1 on here though and it says I can’t send messages until I get to Level 2, so once I do so, I will message you! Thank you!

    • Just follow me and then I can message you.

  • So you didn't get raped then

    • That's nonsense

    • The second time is debatable but given she was hit and threatened while expressing disconsent it absolutely classifies as a sexual assault.

    • @sawno assualt yes. But they never had sex or any sexual act so no it's not rape or sexual assualt

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  • Stay away from assholes, they are bad for you, I couldn't read all of it but I an just say I wish you the best and you can get over it. I believe you're strong enough as a woman to defeat this and move on, learn from it and understand that life is no joke. It will only happen again if you haven't learned the lesson, take it from a repeat rape victim.

  • You have to report him to the authorities. He raped you! You should find the strength within you to stop being a "sucker" to this guy! You deserve better and should therefore give yourself more & better respect.

  • Just know that this guy is a full on piece of shit.

    Even if you did make some errors in judgement - you are NOT to blame for another person's violent and criminal behavior.

    Justice is what needs to come next.

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