Why does no one respect or like virgins anymore?

[Anonymous]

Not just virgins, but all girls who may not have a lot of sexual experience regardless of age. Girls who doesn’t have sex very easily, but prefer to wait and get to know the person first. And girls who don’t want to hook up. I feel like we live in a world now (the west at least) where these girls are not only not preferred but even frowned upon and made fun of. In real life, on tv everywhere. Why? I don’t want to live in a world where girls who DO have a lot of sex or DO hook up aren’t respected, that’s not what I mean. I think it’s great that we’re not judging people that way now as much as in the old days. But why has it flipped 180 degrees? Like, why aren’t we all treated the same? And I see this mostly from guys actually. In my experience it’s mostly guys who treat virgins like this, who see them as unwanted etc. whyyyyyyy? Could it be because they make people feel bad about themselves? And their own choices? Or because sex is the main thing that gives a woman value nowadays? Or what? I’m truly confused.

[Zer0Ghost]

Let's ease your head first; the type of man to leave because you didn't give it up immediately, isn't the type of man you would have wanted to keep around long-term anyway. That man supports his masculinity through sex, so when he's denied it, he pushes the blame on her to keep himself from feeling emasculated, that he is still a great man, she's just a prude.

I think for women it's a bit more simple. Some women exist where every woman is competition, and in that competition, sex is a mature thing to do, so those who do are, and those who don't. That woman uses sex to define herself as more important and the woman who doesn't as less important.

[sodaa_popp]

There are many men who respect women who decided to hold out cashing in their v-card. I'm not sure what kind of bubble you're insulated in, but what you're saying simply isn't the reality.

The only way what you're saying holds any weight is if you're talking about very specific men that you're interested in who aren't looking to settle down.

[Asker]

I’ve been dating for a few years and this is the only thing I’ve seen. Then guys say stuff like what you’re saying but then they don’t act like it. They say they respect virgins but their actions say otherwise.

[sodaa_popp]

As you've said, you don't go by what people say, you go by what they do. Many guys who don't really respect virgins won't say so. This is partially because many women will make exceptions to their own rules, so men will often just say what he thinks the woman wants to hear. I've seen countless women 'hold out' on sex, only to change her mind and sleep with a guy who she was willing to break rules for. Additionally, if you're referring to men who aren't virgins themselves who are expressing their respect, it doesn't mean that they don't respect virgins. It just means that even if they respect you, they would rather scratch that biological itch and sleep with someone rather than waiting on only the possibility of being with you, and only you. Your own personal experience with men isn't indicative of all men.

[Asker]

Ok all that makes a lot of sense. But what is a girl like me supposed to do when it comes to starting a relationship? Because almost every relationship I see around me, my friends etc, they all started out with sex. They had a friends with benefits or a hook up etc and then it turned into something more. And the guys in these relationships are good guys, great even. Real catches. So what is a girl like me supposed to do? Do what I don’t feel right doing to have a chance at a relationship with a good guy? Or wait for someone equally good who’ll wait? Thing is, I’ve done the latter and those guys are extremely rare. Whenever I date someone and we get to the point where I tell them about my lack of experience all the excitement in them and attraction goes away. But they salivate over girls who make them think they’ll give them sex, even if that particular girl treats them badly. In the end they end up in a relationship with her rather than me. What goes on in your minds? I’d give anything to know

[sodaa_popp]

You’re having similar gripes I did back in college… I can’t tell you what you’re supposed to do when it comes to starting a relationship because there is no easy option for you. More often than not, there is a trade-off. Part of the value in one’s virginity is the fact that it is rarer these days. Do you have a good reason in your mind as to why you decided to live more prudish? For me, it’s for religious reasons. I’d like to only be with my wife, assuming I do end up married someday. I’ve nothing against people who decide to live otherwise, but this is just what I’ve chosen. And yes, it’s contrary to most of my friends’ lifestyles. My last break up was largely in part because my girlfriend wanted the physical benefits of a relationship. From her point of view, it wasn’t fair that she couldn’t have sex just because I had my own differing position. So I let her go so she could get it from someone who could give it to her. You need to clarify for yourself why it even matters to you

[Asker]

It started out religious. But in my mid twenties I realized it’s not what I want. I feel like having sex in a committed monogomous relationship wouldn’t hurt my religious beliefs in any way. But when you’re in your mid twenties and going to college is more difficult than you’d think to lose your virginity, if you don’t want a hook up. Also, I’ve been moving around a lot and focusing on my studies and career so that didn’t leave much time to form a relationship. Also, until age 29 I lived as a foreigner in a country where there’s a lot of prejudice and silent racism. Now I live in the US and I’ve dated a lot and I’m very open minded about this stuff. But still, I didn’t think it would be so difficult for me at this point, where I am now doing what I’m doing. I don’t know if that makes sense. And sorry if this is obnoxious but, I’m not unattractive and I’m physically fit. So there’s that.

[sodaa_popp]

So if you're attractive and physically fit, I assume that expands your pool of options relative to most people. And I guess you mention it because you have standards for the guys you want that should be reflective of that. In other words, does he need to be at or above your level in terms of looks and education/career?

[Asker]

I just mentioned the superficial part because reading what I’m writing some people will almost certainly assume that maybe the issue is that people aren’t attracted to me. I’m not trying to be superficial, I’m just saying that the issue is not guys not being attracted to me. Because in the past when I ask about this, people instantly jump on that. They say “well you’re probably not attracting men etc”. So I just wanted to get that out of the way. It does expand my pool of options. The problem is never that I don’t attract guys. It’s that they don’t stay when the sex thing comes up. And I tend to go out with guys who are at any level both professionally and when it comes to looks. And they all act the same.

[Asker]

And no that does not mean I don’t have standards. I do have pretty high standard, but only when it comes to personality and maybe looks as a close second. I’m a doctor but I never care about what the guy does for a living, as long as he is working and it’s legal and he has goals

[sodaa_popp]

Perhaps the sex topic needs to come up sooner rather than later to save time... You could try OLD if you haven't already, and make your intention clear so you're only dating guys who are on the same page. I'm sorry to hear that your personal experience has been that all guys act the same. I get it's tough. But that's just how it goes when you live in a hookup culture. I get a similar feeling from my side when I think of the challenges with women. But my feeling isn't indicative of the reality that there are others out there who apply the same values.

[PondyPand]

A lot of dudes only look for virgins. I've seen more lean that way than those that don't care for a girls sexual past.

[PeytonIsMe]

I have seen other people disrespect girls for not having sex and I hate witnessing it. I don't mind waiting and hate that girls are insulted for that. It's also not just girls, guys are often made fun of for not having sex. I hope that stigma disappears.

[Cammy137]

I don't care if someone is a virgin or not, but I see no reason why a virgin deserves respect over a non-virgin

[Asker]

I specifically said that there should be no difference in respect for both girls. But nowadays there is definitely a difference. Meaning, non-virgins are appreciated and valued much more than virgins. By guys

[Cammy137]

So are you salty because you feel that you deserve appreciate, admiration, attention and respect for being a virgin?

[Cammy137]

Not all guys are the same. You're making sweeping generalisations

[Asker]

Can you not read? I said I think I deserve the same amount of respect etc as a non-virgin.

[Asker]

And the question here is, why aren’t virgins respected the same amount? Why less? It’s true. For many guys

[genericname85]

because that's archaic. you're not a better human than everybody else just cause you never fucked xD

[Asker]

What are you talking about? Where did I say or imply that I’m better for not having sex? What is with some of you? Read the question; I’m simply asking why we cannot all be respected and appreciated THE SAME? Why are virgins respected less and even made fun of and even humiliated? On tv as well. No one said anything about being better for crying out loud..

[Asker]

So wait, you’re saying that it’s ok to not respect virgins so they won’t think they’re better than everyone else?

[genericname85]

no what i am saying is that you don't deserve additional respect for being a virgin. i don't see any reason for your claim that virgins are less respected to be true.

[Asker]

But I didn’t say I deserve additional respect...

[genericname85]

and i didn't say you deserve less.

[genericname85]

it's just the natural age progression. up to a certain age, virginity is a desirable trait. but that stops at a certain age. at a certain age it will become a negative stigma.

[Asker]

At which age would you say that happens?

[Asker]

And why does it become a negative stigma?

[genericname85]

i wouldn't exactly pin that down. somewhere in between 25 and 30. and trust me i'm not trying to talk anybody down. i was myself a virgin for very long and for men it already at 20 starts being a negative stigma, cause most women virgin or not don't really look foreward to having sex with an inexperienced man. that's the cold hard truth.

[genericname85]

it becomes negative because at some point it emplies that you fail at finding a good partner, which reflects back on you, meaning you must not be a good choice. again i'm saying this from personal experience. i'm not shaming. i just say how it is perceived.

[Asker]

Ok. But why does it become something negative for a woman to be a virgin at lets say 30? What is the reason? Is it because that makes her seem like she doesn’t have any interest in sex?

[Asker]

Alright thanks

[genericname85]

you should be happy to be a woman. i mean at 30 it is kind of weird and people will think you must be frigid or something but there are still plenty of guys that find it cute that you're inexperienced. if you're a guy you better get a hooker or straight up lie about your virginity or you'll die a virgin cause women avoid you like the plague.

[Asker]

So just like I thought, it’s pretty much too late for us 30 year old virgins. Actually feels good to have it confirmed. Not just from you, but from everyone I’ve asked so far

[Asker]

Yeah I understand that it’s worse for men. But as a guy you don’t actually have to tell the girl you are a virgin

[genericname85]

the thing about a woman that 30 yo and a virgin is that we men think: wow she's been a virgin for that long, she must have extremely high standards or something so my chances of getting laid with her are =0 xD i think that makes a little more sense to you

[Asker]

Well you’re not wrong

[genericname85]

no you don't have to tell but she'll notice at some point xD this is pretty hard to hide.

[Asker]

Haha alright you have a point. Thanks for your answers

[genericname85]

i only lost my virginity, cause i found a girl that actually had a male virgin fetish. if it wasn't for that woman, i'd probably still be a virgin.

[Asker]

Well “lucky” for me there are plenty of men who have a female virgin fetish. Problem is I avoid them like the plague

[genericname85]

another thing about being virgin for so long is that you develop a sewed perspection on sex and the other gender in general. like for example that fear of getting with a virgin fetishist in your case or in my case the fear of her laughing at me for being inexperienced. that becomes really big to you and it actually becomes irrational at some point keeping you from having your first sex even more when really you should probably just chill and let things happen.

[genericname85]

*skewed

[Asker]

Yeah I’m definitely wary of guys who get a little too excited when I tell them about it. But then there’s also the smart guys who play it cool. Like it’s no big deal. They don’t care if a girl is a virgin or not. But secretly they’re excited about it and planning to play it cool until I sleep with them. Those guys ruin it for everyone

[Asker]

Man men are great 😂😂😂

[genericname85]

yeah see but there aren't that many guys like that xD and if you happen to get with one like that, so what? shit happens. you had to make your first experience at one point right and not getting it right the first time around is no shame ^^

[genericname85]

also what's wrong about secretly being excited to have sex with you? xD

[Asker]

Yeah waiting this long does make sec seem like s much bigger thing that it needs to be, so I tend to hold on to it and be suspicious of everyone.

[Asker]

No it’s not the excitement that’s wrong. It’s the “I’ll pretend to not be excited about her virginity so she’ll sleep with me and then I’m gone”, that’s the problem

[genericname85]

that's always the problem i don't think you should have the expectation for him to stay to begin with. dating isn't marriage.

[Asker]

I know it isn’t marriage but I do admit I may put more into it from the beginning than I should

[Asker]

More expectations

[Asker]

And maybe guys sense that

[genericname85]

i mean it's not a bad thing to show that you have some standards :D but it's a fine line to seeming unavailable :D i'd say drop a few of thos negative things you kind of assume about men. they are most likely not true anyway and if they are: remember not all guys are the same ^^

[KamikazeMIR]

I agree with you. I will not enter into a serious relationship with a girl who's not a virgin... The only people who do not respect female virgins are sluts and arrested-development, NPC, "fuck boys". Who gives a shit about those types anyway? They do not understand monogamy, loyalty, or love and they will lead sad, desolate, meaningless lives.

[Philyouup]

There are plenty of man who have no issues with an inexperienced woman, if she is open minded and willing to learn, I say bring them on!

[Potatocream]

I can only speak of myself, that I wouldn't mind waiting for sex but prefer it myself aswell

[ash_ahmati]

Thats not true. I havd respect for virgins