How can I help and support my boyfriend with his anxiety regarding having sex for the first time?

Question

My boyfriend is a great guy... We've been dating for almost 6 months (we know each other for years before and been always close friends). We've done pretty much everything, except having pebetrative sex... We are not rushing with that, since he is a virgin And pretty anxious about it. His anxiety comes from some health issues he has that... among other problems, causes him a mild erectile disorder. From what i notice, he can get an hold an erection very well for like a blowjob or other stuf (and i can get him hard prety easily too) . But every time we tried to actually fuck, he start overthinking it won't work, or he won't be able to do it, and he lose is it... (that just confirming his thoughts). I know he really wants that too, every time we are messing around, and getting horny... He talks about it pretty excited, always smiling at the thought. He is usually a confident person, knowing what he wants and hiw to get it... But when it comes to seriously talk about "lrts try" he gets pretty easley frustrated at the thought he won't be able to please me and that makes him sad... He is already great in every regard, and already pleases me fucking well... Great at oral, knowing exactly what to touch, how to touch me, what tell me, always surpising me, We have such a strong atraction that we are at the point he can get me close to orgasm with his voce and a few well placed kisses on my ear, so im also dying to take it one step further. there is no way in hell he he would disappoint me. And im always reassuring him there is ni5 reason to be ashamed of... Is something we can work on together... And im ready to do anything it takes to help him... But also i think most if it is auto suggestion... because i know he can hold and last pretty long during blowjobs and other stuff. He is an overthinker, and im always trying to make him not think about it... when he is concentrated on the sensation there are no problems... How can i help him stop thinking of it and reassure him?

devilman666 · Accepted Answer

Could depend on the scenario, but I think seeing a theraist (probably a sex counselor specifically). I don't know much about this scenario, honestly, but I'm a bit like your boyfriend, a virgin (more or less, never been with a woman) with some kind of erectile disorder or whatever, so I'll try to explain my feelings on it to give you my perspective from what I feel is a similar position, sorry in advance if it is disorganized. Never went far with women because it worries me, I don't typically have issues with not lasting long enough, but embarrassingly, I seem to have issues with reaching orgasm, it seems almost like a mental block that pulls me back to reality when I experience a lot of pleasure, I just can't seem to lose myself in the pleasure. I'm not usually a confident person, but when I am with a person I know has feelings for me I find that I become more confident. I can definitely relate to the frustration at not being able to please a partner, it's something I love the idea of, even though I usually prefer to be the more dominant one in relationships. I honestly think I prefer the idea of giving pleasure rather than receiving, but hard for me to say for sure. It feels hypocritical, I don't care much about sex, yet I always feel like if I can't completely please my partner than I'm going to get abandoned or cheated on. Perhaps that just has to do with my past though.

Try getting him drunk and seeing if you can get it to work that way? If it is a mental block then alcohol/drugs may help. Maybe try a having him take a viagra? If things like this dont work, talk to him about it and maybe try a sex counsellor to see if you can work through whatever thoughts are holding him back?

This is probably random af, but perhaps he got sexually abused as a child? It can cause serious issues like this, and obviously is not something many people (especially men) like to talk about.

Anonymous · Accepted Answer

Why not ed medication or preworkout that contains a vasodilator? I did the latter. I'm sure you already have, but be sure to reassure him that this isn't a deal breaker and you're just looking for a solution so you two can be intimate and enjoy it, rather than be nervous the whole time. That being said, I had a similar experience. A couple years ago all I did was smoke cigarettes, weed, and sat around gaming all day. My cardiovascular system was so shot that if I briskly walked up the stairs too quickly I'd be out of breath. I'm not even close overweight too (x just shit lungs and a body used to sitting around all day. Obviously, when my girlfriend and I had sex it lead to some issues. I'd get so light headed that my body needed the blood elsewhere. Heart pumping so hard that it hurt.. that's why the vasodilator worked so well for me. Got the blood where it needed to. I've since stopped smoking and started running so it's not a problem anymore. It embarrassed me sooooo much, but sex is too much fun not to work for xD

Jean-Marie_Céline · Answer

I was in your boyfriend' situation not even a month ago.
I'd suggest doing what my girlfriend did.
Sit down with him, and have a chat. Tell him what you want to do, ask him what he wants, reassure him there's nothing to be afraid of.
Also tell him that when you'll be there, you can stop at any moment if he doesn't feel like it and you'll love him the same.

Sevenpointfive · Answer

kill the lights. turn the music up, loud enough so you can't hear each other and go to town. let him control the sex and focus on his pleasure so there won't be any distractions. once he gets off, it will get easier and you can make it more intimate.

BlackDawn · Answer

Slowly work into it with kissing and gentle foreplay.

Ayer93 · Answer

Just be patient with him in bed. Tell him straight "I want to do this now. You can take your time, but we have to get past this." Just communicate so you're both comfortable when you do it.

dy8alexUk · Answer

Buy a box of viagra in boots £19.99 crush 1 tablet up and put it in tea or coffee (Not pop) put on sexy clothes leave him 45 minutes then approach him sit him on hard chair and straddle him say please your so hard he will be if he is man enough but mabee he fancies men and uses you like girly friend