Husband is 31, married after a big love story, but he can't cum during sex no matter how hard he goes and prefers to masturbate, what do I do?

[Anonymous]

He is only 31 but a heavy smoker, i am very sexy i have nice body and big ass big boobs with a nice face and long hair and a lot of guys always wanted me but i was with him, we got married six months ago and he slowly started having sex me only once every week or 10 days, sometimes 2 weeks if I didn't initiate it, he most of the times can't cum although he fucks hard and stays long, he says he doesn't know why he can't cum, he is usually not on drugs and drink only on the weekend, he also says that the tightness and friction is good but that he gets so physically tired during sex and find it a lot of effort!! he is not athletic at all, which he says may be affecting his performance and falls asleep for hours immediately after sex after breathing heavily and yet didn't cum.. yesterday i found out that he masturbated and could cum when i was gone for a day, he said he masturbates and cums once a week and usually feels satisfied for a week afterward! (He didn't have sex with me for a week before I knew),, i feel bad and undesirable, knowing he can cum from masturbating but not with me, he said that he thinks sex is a chore due to the physical effort needed while he can sit on a sofa and masturbate :(.. he has a normal job from 8 to 4:30 and plenty of time of rest on the weekends,, yet very low sex rate with me ,, do you know why would that happen? and what should i do? I tried talking to him but he is not preferring to discuss things saying that he is fine and all men masturbate (which i understand, but is only normal when they have equally good sex number with their wives)!! and that i am over worried!

[Anonymous]

Sounds like his sex drive is very low. Although he’s very young for this to be a problem, maybe his testosterone is low? Low sex drive and being physically tired are definitely symptoms. It can also affect his mood. Urge him to see a doctor and have his levels checked. It’s a simple blood test. This could be hormonal and have nothing to do with how attractive you are. There could be other underlying medical issues that affect his sex drive. This is a tough issue because many men will get defensive if you bring up not being sexually satisfied. Have an honest non-judgemental discussion about it and try to get him to get checked out. This type of thing is embarrassing for guys, so don’t be surprised if he’s resistant at first. Don’t give up on it but don’t get angry or overly emotional. Offer to go with him. If it turns out there is nothing physically wrong, then maybe it’s psychological and couples therapy could help. You are right to be concerned but don’t panic yet. Explore all your options and don’t blame yourself or feel inadequate. It’s normal for a wife to want to feel that her husband is attracted to her.

[PondyPand]

"I am very sexy" you sure girl? Cuz' obviously something ain't right 😂
Lots of smoking can affect it.

[Asker]

trust me,, he chased me for 3 years to get me, changed country and religion so we can get married! yet that's how it is it,,

[PondyPand]

Ahuh. Maybe he realised that was a lot of work for some average ass? Who knows.

[Asker]

go away judgmental kid,,

[PondyPand]

Well done for not being able to read the other part. Don't want judgement or help? Don't ask questions on gag. Go see if you can find some intelligence between your sofa cushion. You're most sandwiches short of a picnic.

[Grond21]

Unfortunately, you are dealing with the effects of boring then so many women deal with. The brain is very flexible, and rewires itself based off of external stimuli. In other words, whatever you feed it becomes normal. And by feeding it a diet of sex from porn, he has trained his brain to get off by watching other people in very specific circumstances. Normal sexual relations and a normal very sexy woman like you just does not do it anymore. This happens ALL the time for men who watch porn a lot. That is the cause of your problem, and men report that once they stop watching porn, after they recover, their brain starts to reset and they can start to ejaculate with their wife and they become sexually interested in her again

[Asker]

thank you for giving it hope at least, i am glad i showed him that i was hurt or disappointed yesterday at least, so he can rethink it,, you know men can be so confident and arrognat not wanting to admit it and thats what happened yesterday when i said maybe you trained yourself that sex is a lot of physical effort and that the maximum pleasure is on the sofa with minimal action! and he refused it,, i hope he will rethink it then and slowly stop is on "Holy weekly masturbate" until he can feel more with me.

[Grond21]

I understand why you feel that way, but that is a vain hope. men will always have a sexual drive, and as long as he thinks that porn is okay then he will also think that masturbating is okay. So he will keep doing it, not understanding why he is not interested in you. it's not the fact that he is masturbating as much as the fact that he's watching porn. That's the heart of the problem, and I would suggest reading into the effects of porn on the mind. Until you can show him, with love and understanding, that what he is doing is damaging his brain, then he will continue in the same course of action.

[Grond21]

Thanks for the MHO!

[Anonymous]

I hear your pain. My marriage too has difficulties in that area. You chose a man who, based on your description, didn't have a good probability of keeping up with you sexually based on his life style and condition. My advice is find a good couple's therapist and work through that person to resolve this issue. His very poor physical condition combined with his smoking and candidly his laziness, are all contributing to this. I feel like he needs to fully grasp the threat this poses to the health of the relationship to in large part motivate change. I suspect if he will stop smoking, a lot of this will start to disappear.

[lullaby115]

Smoking can definitely affect it but it doesn't necessarily have to be the smoking. Is he circumcised? A good friend of mine also can't cum with his girlfriend and never could with his exes but there's no problem when he masturbates. He doesn't smoke, drink or take any drugs it's just that because of the circumcision (as far as I know). So don't worry too much about it but maybe he could go to a doctor if it's a problem for your relationship.

[Asker]

yeah he is circumcised, he used to cum with me for a while and suddenly stopped

[lullaby115]

Alright, maybe it's health related. But before you go see anyone I would try and really talk about it, maybe there's just something going on that mentally blocks him.

[OnlyYouKnowThat]

1. Encourage him to stop smoking - note I said encourage, not nag, so do it with love and without judgement.
2. If he works out it will help get his testosterone flowing.
3. Get him to go no-fap for a while. Less masturbation will help to increase his sensitivity during sex.
4. If he is watching a lot of porn he needs to stop.
All the best.

[Asker]

yes, thank you, these all seem valid if he agrees to,, he is being arrogant saying it is okay and that i am worried for nothing,, while i can clearly see the reults

[spartan55]

So, what was the sex life before you got married? How long did you date him?

[LoU_Hades]

perhaps too much nicotine
or depression after drug abuse

[bubbakong2006]

Mayby you need to bring another partner in and he can watch it might turn him on seeing you like that

[Giggletr0n]

Drugs will affect him even in lose doses, stress from his job will affect him, you may be sexy or whatever but your technique clearly sucks or his enthusiasm sucks, poor diet and lack of exercise may also be an issue, it could be a medical issue (not likely though). Most likely what is going on is a very simple case of the sex not really doing it for him enough so that he can climax, you may want to adjust your technique and he may want to adjust his.

[Asker]

yeah i understand that being sexy is not the only thing,, i always try to learn more and change and even initiate and take lead at times,, the thing is that he is being arrogant and saying he is fine not even giving me guidance or hints to what he would like,, i asked him to let me know if something turns him on more,, but he refuses he is taking it lightly until i found out he masturbates, which made me feel that he is very selfish, not trying to help me in my worry and satisfied by taking care of himself effortlessly as he says once a week and that's it,,

[Giggletr0n]

As a man that also prefers masturbation to sex I can tell you one simple truth, often it's simply laziness or the sex being good but purely work and no fun. That's not at all on you, you try and help but he isn't interested, he is just doing it for your satisfaction but he would rather sort himself out. It's kind of selfess in a weird way. I guess in his mind he is doing his part by still giving you sex at all.

[Asker]

yeah,, this is kinda what he was trying to say,, and the laziness and physical effort on his part is also true, he said that it is too much power and effort! but trust me, for us women, no, I would rather have a powerful man who is up to the game than someone who prefers the no effort thing because it shows and the woman can feel it,, and oftenly

[Asker]

oftenly, he will start to approach the woman less and less we live like brother and sister for 10 days-2 weeks,, cause as you said he would rather save the effort, even if the sex is good which he says too,, i dont want someone to have sex me when he is forced or only to please me,, this is not what most of the women want,, they want a man who enjoys them and their bodies more than touching himself on some woman on a screen,, it is sad, but yes, i believe it is what you said ,, that is kinda the justification

[Asker]

thank you for your answer, so you are saying that it doesn't mean he doesn't like sex with me or doesn't enjoy it and it doesn't mean that for example, I am not attractive to him? right? since you also prefer masturbation to sex is that what you are saying?

[Giggletr0n]

It's nothing to do with lack of attraction, he most likely finds you crazy hot and just enjoys being around you. It's purely laziness and is nothing to do with being bored with you or not enjoying sex with you. With me it's a general lack of energy after all of what I have to do in the day, I don't really get much time to actually relax, so maybe he is just working too hard and feeling like he has to give sex but he just doesn't have the energy to keep going once you are done.

[Asker]

but how does your wife or girlfriend feel about it? i may assume that she kinda feel less happy that you prefer masturbation over sex with her too?,, not judging really, i am just curious to how i should be feeling :(

[Giggletr0n]

Honestly we only have sex maybe once every 2 months, we both have very low sex drives, so I can find the energy for that.

[SavageGirl101]

he's cheating

[NYCQuestions1976]

You need to get laid more often.

Why is this question unnecessarily anonymous?

[Tommy_Kaira]

Your husband probably got traumatic masturbatory syndrome when he was a kid.

[Sambelfast85]

Get him to cut down smoking or stop all together. Is it nice as a woman knowing your partner cums with you.

[seemyhemi]

Sex is a chore? Weird! That statement usually doesn’t come from a guy. My wife thinks sex is a chore too. Sucks doesn’t it?

[Asker]

yeah, It definitely sucks, who wants to have sex with someone who thinks it is a chore being with you? ,, It was said to me two times :(, and his reason is that he doesn't like and can't keep up with the physical effort of sex due to his more health (which he not doing anything about, not trying to exercise or cut on the smokes a bit)

[seemyhemi]

I know it’s probably wrong but I’ve been so tempted to find a friends with benefits. I don’t really want to leave the person I’m with but I miss good sex. LOL. I miss foreplay, good orgasms and mostly feeling wanted sexually. There is nothing worse than feeling bad about yourself because you like/want good sex!

[Asker]

do you ask for sex from here many times a week for example and thats why she said it is a chore? or what was her reason to say something so hurtful! and yeah understand, i dont also know if i can stay in this marriage for so long if he won't take some things in consideration

[seemyhemi]

I try not to ask for or hint that I’m interested in sex. Usually after two to four weeks I start hinting. If I ask her she usually responds “didn’t we just do that” or “ugh”. On the list of responses are “Aren’t you tired” and you only married me for “sex”. I strive to help a lot around the house. I actually do about 90% of the work. I’m in shape. I ask her for lots of dates most of which she turns down. Honestly, she would rather sit on the couch and watch TV.

[Sampan2017]

Consult sexologist

[Anonymous]

Maybe he has fetishes and is kinky but you may have conservative views on sex so he’s never sexually satisfied? Not sure if this is the case but can make someone feel like not bothering if they are always dissapointed.

[Anonymous]

"i have a nice body, bif boobs, big ass, long hair"

goes anonymous. show us, or it isn't true

[Opinion Owner]

Also, why do you say "normal" job. i have a normal job, but im only working 10 hours a week. is that "normal"?

[Asker]

I meant that he doesn't work an extreme job where he works for unlimited hours and on the weekend to be that tired and lazy on the weekend and for the rest of the days,

[Opinion Owner]

like i said, i work a normal job, but i dont work a lot of hours right now do you still consider me "normal"?

[Asker]

well, I see you are trying to be picky now, and I assume you know that by "Normal", I mean the typical 9 to 5 job,, now can you do something useful for yourself rather than try to pick on me? thanks

[Opinion Owner]

no. you're a fucktard, bye

[Anonymous]

Him thinking it's a "chore" is the problem! He needs to learn how to relax and just enjoy sex, not over think it. This takes time as you get more comfortable with him. Lots of communication during your sex, what you each like and don't like. Does he enjoy when you ride him for example? That takes little effort for him and you can control your movements etc. A win win.

But it also sounds like he has a much lower sex drive than you do also, which is a major problem. Did you wait until you were married to have sex with him? This is important to find out before marriage in my opinion.

[Opinion Owner]

Maybe try spending time nude together also, just in general (if possible). Example watching a movie (with no sex). Help with his comfort level. And maybe one of those times when he's not expecting it, give him a hj or bj.