How would you feel if you found out your FWB was pregnant and miscarried--and did not tell you?

[Anonymous]

While I was going through a divorce, I had a brief long distance affair with a really good friend. I am 32; he is 52. A few weeks after, he told me that he tried to "fall" for me, but the "feeling" just wasn't there. Basically, he was emotionally unavailable; he simply isn't ready for a relationship. We both tried to maintain our friendship. During this time, I found out I was pregnant. I was unsure of how to approach the topic with him, and before I could, I miscarried. I decided that it would be best not to tell him. I was trying to protect him. Why burden him with the news of an unplanned pregnancy cut short? I was sad and stressed, relieved and confused. My emotions caused strain to our relationship. On top of all of this, I am currently enrolled in grad school full time (interning as a full time high school teacher). While talking to a mutual friend, he found out about the pregnancy and miscarriage. When I found out she did this, I was extremely upset; I did not want him to worry about me--because that is just the way he is. Though he cannot be there for me on a romantic emotional level, he does still care about me--and it's obvious through his actions. We've spoke very briefly about the pregnancy/miscarriage. He was very comforting, and he mainly expressed concern about my health. He still hasn't revealed his feelings to me. He tells me to not to worry about him, and says that he just wants to make sure I am okay. Recently, we decided to take a communication break. He says that this break is best for both our sakes. Later he sends a text saying that he doesn't want to end the friendship, but wants to give me the break I need. He says true friends will be there in the end. If you were a guy involved with a really good "friend with benefits;" how would you take the news of a pregnancy/miscarriage? I am just trying to understand how he feels right now. I have not spoken with him in a week; I am respecting his wishes. However, I am still really worried about him. **I should note that he is a father of two sons, both grown.**

[Myth024]

I've always believed that when it comes to the decision to keep a child or have an abortion, that it's the woman's choice. I prefer the choice be to have the child myself, but then again.. I've never been pregnant. :) If the choice is to have the child, then it's time to think of the child, not the parents. That kid is going to grow up someday and want to know who his real father is. I would want to know if I was the father of someones child. Personally, I'd want to help support the child if I could or even discuss adoption depending on the circumstances. I feel that if it takes two to make a baby, then it should take two to make the decision on what comes next. He has a right to know and a right to make his own decision.

Look at it this way. We believe in the right to make a choice, the freedom to do so. If you don't tell him, then you are taking that choice away from him as well as the freedom to make that choice. When it comes to being a parent, there is only one thing you can ever do right. Love the child and make sure the child knows it. I feel this starts before the child is born. Whatever you decide, I wish you luck and hope things work out.

[Asker]

I am sure you know that there was no happy ending to all of this; however, I wanted to thank you for all of your advice.

[Myth024]

That really is a tough question to answer. On one hand if I didn't want to have more kids I might be relieved but feel guilty about feeling that way about a life. On the other hand I might suddenly be sad as well because I just found out I lost a son or daughter. Something like this also makes the entire relationship more real and immediate. Would probably make me think about how far I really wanted to take this. Men do generally like to go hide in a cave while they try and figure things out. You might just need to let him know that you'll be there if he needs you. Give him some time but don't give him so much of it that he forgets your there.

[Asker]

I do not know if contacting him right now is the best thing. It has been a week, and the no contact thing is extremely hard. I keep myself busy, but day hasn't gone by where I don't think about him. I'm sure he's already forgotten about me.

[Myth024]

Don't sell yourself short. Yes, guys have a tendency to retreat but that doesn't mean we don't think of you and it's also possible he's thinking the exact same thing.

[Asker]

Running on empty. See update.

[Myth024]

I've always believed that if someone is going to stay by your side no matter what, then sharing something personal and life altering won't make them run. If they do, then it was never meant to be. It's your body, what you do with it is your business, but it's also part his responsibility and if you don't tell him, your taking his choice on how to handle the entire thing away from him.