How to help my relationship? Boyfriend is sexually frustrated and I can't do anything about it?

[Anonymous]

Is there anything I can do to save this relationship?

I've been in this relationship for about 8-9 months with a guy I met at university, and since the beginning there has been a problem. I'm a virgin and he is not. At first he told me that he wouldn't pressure me and that I should tell him when I'm ready. And so I did, one month into the relationship. We tried multiple times but it always just hurt too much, I started crying and shaking, so we stopped.
For the last two months we have rarely been seeing each other because we both had student jobs during summer and live far away (during vacation we live with our parents), which drives me crazy but he seems to be okay with it 'because it's not the first time he has a long-distance relationship and knows how to deal with it'. Every time he came over my house for a visit, he was really unmotivated in bed (but seemed happy to see me).

Last night I wrote him a message like 'I can't wait to have sex with you' (I just wanted to initiate a conversation about this). He reacted really weird so I asked him if he felt the same way. He told me: 'I don't think about it because it doesn't work anyway'. I answered that if we would keep trying it would eventually work (btw - fingers never hurt, probably the hymen or the lubrification). He told me he was tired of trying. When I then asked him if he knew another way without trying (because let's be real, you can't succeed without trying), he told me he doesn't know one because with others it always worked. I called him to know if that meant that he doesn't want to be with me anymore, but he just repeated that he is just really tired of getting his hopes up and then not succeeding so he has given up on sex, which doesn't really answer my question. Afterwards we talked briefly about something else (me getting his keys for his apartment for a short time), which tells me that he doesn't want me out of his life...
I really don't want to break up with him, does anyone have advice?

[LesterJester]

"We tried multiple times but it always just hurt too much, I started crying and shaking, so we stopped."

^ before I say anything, be aware that the above is not your fault. It is what it is and it can be quite painful for many women the first time.

But, that can have an effect on a guy and mess them up a bit.

Knowing that the person you are with, whom you want to share a pleasurable experience with, is in extreme pain, crying and shaking because of what you're doing... Well, that would ruin my mood right off the bat and I'd feel frigging terrible for putting you through that. It would be difficult to try again thinking or knowing that it may happen again and that he is the one causing you to suffer.

But it's also a difficult situation to explain without making you feel worse or feel like it is your fault, because it isn't.

It is what it is.

It sounds like he hasn't been put in this situation before. Perhaps because his past partners were not virgins. He doesn't know how to deal with it and he's afraid of making you go through that again.

I'll repeat that... He is most likely scared shitless that it will happen again and he doesn't want to hurt you.

It also sounds like he feels like a failure since he said he hasn't had this problem before.

Im not entirely sure how many times one needs to try to have sex before it stops hurting as all my partners had partners before me and so I was never in the situation he is in now... But seeing my partner in pain, shaking and crying because of what I was doing to her... That would mess me up a little, honestly.

Again, I wouldn't blame you. If it hurts like hell, then it hurts like hell. But both of you are in an obviously difficult situation. You want to keep trying but it really hurts and him seeing that he is the cause of your pain makes him not want to make you in pain anymore, so he'll avoid doing that.

Perhaps discussing this with other females who have had similar experiences nad see what they did to get past it might be the best approach.

I can suggest what's going through his mind as a guy, but as a guy, we don't know much about how to fix this unfortunately.

[Asker]

Thank you for your answer, I never thought of that.

[LesterJester]

No prob... If it were me, I guess another way to put it, is that if I'm having sex with my partner and it's causing her a lot of pain, if I keep going and ignor her suffering, it starts to feel like an assault. I wouldn't want to be in such a situation were I'm some inconsiderate jerk only out for my own pleasure regardless of how much she's suffering. That's simply not who I am and it sounds like he's similar. He was no doubt aware it would hurt a little bit for you, as it's common knowledge about female virgin's, but he probably wasn't prepared for the level you're experiencing and just doesn't know how to handle it.

[COMMODOREII]

First off speaking hypothetically, is he trying to feed himself to you or are you feeding yourself? There has been reports that i have read about from the hospital i worked at in where the husband was trying engage in intercourse and his wife was always in pain. It turned out he was pushing himself into her urethra and not her vagina. Which is why it was painful. If that's not it then lube does work also helping you relax. If you are not relaxed then you get tense and that can make you tense down there. I think the best way is to go cowgirl and feed him into you. Then you can control how to take him and work your way into the feeling since in a way you are new to it. Then after you more comfortable then he can feed himself into you.

[Anonymous]

Honey, I'm married and on my honeymoon my husband and I couldn't get too far because he was my first man, so dont feel so sad. Even married people have a difficult time sometimes when it's the first time. I mean when your a virgin, it's obviously going to be more difficult since you never really use that area for such things like making love. I mean I waited until marriage to become one with my husband but this is your decision. Maybe y'all might want to wait a while, to work things out about this some more? You can talk with him about it, but perhaps you might want to wait also because what if you dont get past this with him because he can't get past it? Your a grown woman, but I just want you to know your first time is super precious, so take time thinking about who you really want to do it with. If your relationship leads to marriage in the long run that's cool, but what if the relationship ends, and/or you regret it? I can't tell you how to live, but these are my suggestions. Because girls even younger than you sometimes regret certain decisions in hindsight. I just hope the best for you and I wish your first time will be with the most precious person who will treasure your gift of giving your whole self to him, because that's part of what making love is:becoming one person and belonging to each other forever, that's how I see it. Thanks for your time and consideration hon.

[sam2274]

You can see a doctor to be sure it’s « only » psychological.
Also sometimes people are not physically compatible, if you know what I mean.
Anyway, you should see your boyfriend and talk to him.

Don’t worry, it happens quite often. If he really cares about you, he will talk to you and you will find a way together to get over it. If he is not trying, don’t be upset, it’s just he is not the right guy.

[sam2274]

Thanks for the mho

[btbc92]

You should have Left that relationship the moment you knew he was NOT a virgin. He is in a relationship with you because he wanted sex. Stop wasting your time and get out of that relationship. He don't really care about you, this is why you don't get involved with people that wants to have premarital sex. Drop that relationship and get out of there. how can you give yourself and your body to a person that clearly says that they prefer Sex Over You? You don't owe him sex. Move on.

[btbc92]

I don't care what anybody else here tells you. There's a lot of them are just horny people anyway. Let it go. Need to be with somebody who's going to marry you before you lose your virginity, and somebody who's going to actually care about you. For people who are not virgins, they put sex first unless they grew out of that stage, sorry to say. Men are not going to be in relationships what I know that sex is not going to be available. Stop wasting your time.

[Screenwriter]

This sounds like a medical problem that you should consult a gynecologist about. But he sounds like he doesn't care a whole lot. You might find someone who does.

[Taywallee16]

It's kind of shitty of him to be irritated that trying to have sex hurts you. Is it that he tries to go to fast or are you not turned on? I know if you are nervous and tense up it can make it more difficult but after a few times it shouldn't hurt. Is he *ahem* well endowed? If so, I would recommend getting a vibrator or dildo that is a little smaller than him and try with that on your own. It can be intimidating trying new things with a partner so maybe trying it on your own will help you to feel more comfortable. You can try things at your own pace and stop if it hurts. As for him, I would just straight up tell him that it might not have hurt other girls but it does hurt you and that he needs to understand that. It's obvious you want to try but it's not a turn on for him to pout because he has to put in a little more effort.

[OlderAndWiser]

Have you consulted a GYN for an exam? You may have a condition called "vaginismus."

[MissDawn7961]

you can do the right thing by marrying him ! Thanks

[EmmaMary]

What difference would that make?

[PinkChampagne]

I think the woman just didn't read the details

[EmmaMary]

@PinkChampagne Sadly she very seldom does.

[nerms123]

Suck on him and experiment with dildos alone but tell him that you’re trying to fix the problem

[Onepiece_fan2000]

You definitely need to get him
To stretch your hymen and lube up his dick

[John1972]

There is always a way and I really can't think of a man that would give up on having sex. When you did try did you partake in foreplay or just stright tongue act? Did you use plenty of lube. Is he abnormal in the size of his penis girth in particular? Have you been open in wanting to have sex when you tried or has it been more like a duty or something you just want to get out of the way? There are still so many unanswered questions but bottom line is I can't see him just saying well I can do with out because it doesn't work. Have you considered there might be another woman at his end of this long distance?

[Asker]

We always had foreplay, but the last few times (I mentioned him getting unmotivated) it just stopped afterwards. No lube yet, I thought it'd be enough with just me but I bought some a week ago (we haven't seen each other since then). I think his penis is normal, maybe a bit on the bigger side but nothing out of the ordinary. I think we both have a fairly high sex drive, but because I'm not as experienced, I never knew what to so he once told me I should participate more. Which I started doing, and now I'm participating more than him. I don't think he would cheat, we are both very honest about everything.

[John1972]

First nothing against you but if it hurts and it's not sliding in there than more lube. You should of been using it from the start. Lube is both yours and his best friend when it comes to this matter and not only the first time but most of the time after it too. When you tell me he just stops after foreplay now are you bringing him to the point that he orgasam. If so you problems now rest there. And what may I ask do you know of his experiences because it too seems to be in question. And I'm happy to hear that you dont think he would ever cheat but be honest with yourself betting odds would not favor this. He is a sexually active man in his prime not having sex. I hope he hasn't cheated there are some people these days that believe in monogamy.

[Asker]

Yes, more lube is what I thought too which is why i bought it. Him having an orgasm is another thing; He rarely does. But not only with me, with all of his Exes. He told me right of the start so that I wouldn't feel bad and think it's my fault. He told me that he can have an orgasm but he has to move fast and it wouldn't be comfortable for the other person, and so he always enjoyed sex without it. I on the other side orgasm very easily. Another thing that I know of his experiences is that he has had sex with another virgin, but there was no problem at all.

[John1972]

Wow so I have to assume that he is suffering from a medical condition known as Delayed ejaculation or Impaired ejaculation. Then in that case I wish to say I hate that for him and I also hate that for you. There are several causes for this condition but that is not going to solve your issues. So you understand that lube is of then uttermost importance. Foreplay is also a must but please dont allow this to go on for too long. Ideally the time you should allow for this is about 10 to 15 min but no longer. And last thing is too have fun. Yes there is discomfort your first time but it's not like you losing an limb or broken a bone. The pain will pass and then you can begin to enjoy yourself. Best of luck to you and your boyfriend.

[PeacefulRainDrop]

I can help with this.. I was in your shoes.. ask him to eat you out till you cum once then your looser and wetter.. I find lub makes it worse for me.. so maybe suggest him to eat you out first and then he can try and stick it in.. also ask him to stick only the tip in when that feels good tell him to go farther.. thats what we did.. took us 3 months for him to go in.. I still remember when I said farther and he's like im all the way in.. also make sure a fan isn't on dryes you out! Worked for us.. hope it does for you! Also give him a blow job.. just suck his dick.. moving your head up and down along it while wiggling your tongue that will help him!

[Satans_property]

Embrace the pain and turn it into pleasure. Just tell him to fuck you no matter how much you scream, cry or tell him to stop.

[GiveitaShance]

I think he still very much likes you and that he willing to give up sex to be with you. Why would you break up with someone who would stay with you whether or not he is sexually frustrated? And he didn't cheat on you! A bonus! If you break up with him send him my way. I may be asexual but he seems like a great guy to be in a relationship with.

[boggboss]

If it stays like this he will end up cheating or break up with you

[supercutebutt]

You have to find a smaller-penised gentleman. People have been having sex for the history of humanity. Find a cock that fits!

[MajesticTwelve]

Being a virgin is painful. Not just the first time either.
I lost mine to guy who was very impatient, so trust me when I say, if he can't be patient and keep trying, then he doesn't see you as worth it.
Don't do something you'll regret just because you like him.

[SilentWatchman]

Have you tried oral sex and letting him play with you? Do that for a few months till you get comfortable cumming in front of him, then try real sex again.

[Gabrielskaddadle]

Use some toys on urself and work yourself up slowly

[Zebadee88]

Ever heard of a DOCTOR?

[Zebadee88]

Vaginitus maybe? You need to be comfortable and relaxed and he must be gentle and know how to use lube. A doctor can also prescribe you treatments or lotion to make your vaginal area slightly numb, so you can enjoy the process and relax rather than stressing about pain.

[David_Kek]

Have you thought about finding a man, man enough to lovingly hurt you for a few minutes?
I mean, he sounds like a bit of a push over if he's defeated by a mere hymen.

[HGStebbins]

He sounds like a melodramatic bitch.

[JSmuve]

His confidence is crushed. Every time he tries, you end up crying and shaking. So now he equates sex with hurting you and the desire for sex is gone because he doesn't want you in tears. It's all mental for him. You pretty much need to show him that you can take him without being in pain so he doesn't feel like an asshole for getting you to do something that hurts you. So find a dildo his size, lube up, and go at it until it doesn't hurt anymore.