Are you ready to start your day off with a laugh?

[laurieluvsit]

I loved your jokes so much that I wanted to hear more!

Share some of your best jokes with us, PLEASE!

Here's more of mine :) ...

1) Professor Higgins at the University of Sydney was giving a lecture on 'Involuntary Muscle Contraction' to the first year medical students. This wasn't an exciting subject so he decided to lighten up the mood. He pointed to a young blonde woman in the front row and asked, "Do you know what your asshole is doing while you're having an orgasm?"

She replied, "Probably golfing with his buddies."

It took 20 minutes to restore order in the classroom.

2) A new priest at his first mass was so nervous he could hardly speak. After mass he asked the monsignor for advice. The monsignor replied, "When worried about getting nervous in the pulpit, I put a glass of vodka next to the water, then if I start to get nervous, I just take a sip.

So next Sunday he took the monsignor's advice. As he began, he got nervous and took a drink, then proceeded to talk up a storm. Upon his return to his office after mass, he found the following note from the monsignor:

Sip the Vodka, don't gulp.
There are 10 commandments, not 12.
There are 12 disciples, not 10.
Jesus was consecrated, not constipated.
Jacob wagered his donkey, he did not bet his ass.
We do not refer to Jesus Christ as the late J. C.
The Father, Son, and Holy Ghost are not referred to as Daddy, Junior and the Spook.
David slew Goliath, he did not kick the crap out of him.
When David was hit by a rock and knocked off his donkey, don't say he was stoned off his ass.
We do not refer to the cross as the "Big T"
When Jesus broke the bread at the Last Supper he said, "Take this and eat it for it is my body." He did not say "Eat me."
The Virgin Mary is not called "Mary with the Cherry."
The recommended grace before a meal is not: Rub-A-Dub-Dub thanks for the grub, yeah God.
Next Sunday there will be a taffy pulling contest at St. Peter's, not a peter pulling contest at St. Taffy's.

[FunkyMonkee]

A science teacher was teaching his students about alcohol. He had a glass of water and a glass of alcohol on his counter and a tray of worms. He told the class, "Now, look what happens when I put this worm into the glass of water. He drops the worm into the water and it wiggles and thrives and nothing bad happens to it. Then he picks up another worm and drops it into the other glass and says, "Now, look what happens to the worm I drop into the alcohol!" He drops it in and it struggles a bit then withers and dies! He asks the class, "Now, what does this tell us?" A smart ass in the back of the class yells, "If you drink whiskey you'll never have worms!!"

A little boy was getting ready to go to a friends birthday party but the boy had a nasty habit of swearing at these parties and then getting sent home for it! So, as he was getting ready to go, his father sternly warned him, "I DON'T want to saying dirty words at this party and if you come home early, I'll KNOW you were swearing and will beat the hell out of you and confine you to your room for a full week!! Got it?" The boy said, "Yes, father.", and went off to the party. About 30:00 later, the boy came walking back to the house with tears in his eyes and, without even ASKING him what happened, his father grabbed him, put him over his knee and gave him the spanking of his life!! When he was done, he asked the boy why he was sent home early THIS time!! The boy, whimpering, said, "The party isn't until NEXT week!"

These three women just escaped from a prison and were running across a huge field that belonged to a farmer living near the prison and the police were closing in on them!! They found the farmers barn and ducked inside looking for a good place to hide but couldn't find anything but a few burlap sacks on the ground! So, each one got into a bag and laid there motionless on the ground! A moment later, the sheriff drives up with his deputy and has the deputy check inside. The deputy says, "There's nothing in here but a few burlap sacks on the ground!" The sheriff says, "You better check them just to make sure!" "Okay, sheriff!" So, the deputy kicks one of the bags with the side of his boot and the brunette inside goes, "Meooow/" The deputy tells the sheriff, "Nothing but a cat in the first bag!" Sheriff says, "Okay, check the others." He kicks the second bag and the redhead inside goes, "Woof! woof!!" The deputy yells out, "Nothing but a dog in this one!" "Okay, check the other one.", says the sheriff. So, the deputy kicks the 3rd bag and the blonde inside goes, "Potatoes!"

A little boy gets a brand new bike for Christmas and takes it outside to try it out. As he's riding it around, a mounted policeman stops him and says, "Did you just get the bike for Christmas?" The boy proudly proclaims, "I sure did!!" The cop says, "Wow! That's a really spiffy bike!! But, next year, tell Santa to put lights on the front and back of it.", and he hands the boy a ticket!! The boy starts to frown, almost in tears and, just as the cop starts to ride away, the boy asks, "Did Santa bring you that horse for Christmas?" Humouring the boy, the cop says, "He sure did!" The boy says, "Next year, tell Santa, the dick goes on the bottom!"

[FunkyMonkee]

Two drunks wake up one morning and one says to the other. "What do you wanna do today?" The other says, "I know! Let's get drunk!" The first guy says, "That's a GREAT idea!! But, I've only got 48 cents! How much do you have?" The 2nd guy cleans out his pockets and says, "I've only got 32 cents. We can't get drunk on that!" Suddenly, the 1st guy says, "Oh, yes we can!! I've got a GREAT idea!! We pool our money together and go down to the delicatessen and buy a big hot dog!" "A hot dog? How are we gonna get drunk on that!!" "Easy!! Once we get the hot dog, you put it in your pants like it's your dick. Then, we go to the bar, order drinks, slug `em down and when the bartender asks to be paid, you pull down your zipper, whip out the hot dog like it's your dick and I'll drop to my knees and put it in my mouth like I'm giving you a blow job and the bartender will get so pissed at us, he'll chase us out of the bar and we won't even have to pay for our drinks!" "Hey!! That's a GREAT idea!!! Let's do it!!" So, they go to the deli, get the hot dog, the one guy sets it up in his pants and they hit the first bar. They belly up to the bar, order their drinks, slug `em down and the bartender says, "That'll be $3.00." So, the guy with the hot dog whips it out and the other guy drops to his knees and starts to suck it and the bartender yells, "HEY, YOU FAGGOTS, GET THE FUCK OUT OF MY BAR!!!" At which point, they run out of the bar and into an alley! "Hey, man, that worked GREAT!!!" "I know!! Let's do it again at that bar over there!!" So, they go to the next bar, do it again and the bartender chases them out without making them pay!! They do this at every bar in town and start getting really drunk! After about 15 bars, the guy that does the blow jobs says, "This is working great! But, let's switch places, my knees are taking a beating!" The other guy says, "What are YOU complaining about? We lost the hot dog after the third bar!!"

[Lliam]

That blond was hilarious. And her delivery was better than any comic I ever saw.

[TarrAva]

I read a cute joke recently but my memory fails me and I don't remember if I did not already mention it. Bear with me and don't think less of me if I repeat myself. No, I don't have Alzheimer's yet, just too many things on my mind.

So, here it comes

This elderly lady bring her dead duck to the vet and asks the vet to give his diagnosis.

The vet checks the duck with his stethoscope, looks at the granny and confirms that the duck is dead.

"Can you check again?, I can't believe that my baby is dead" asks the lady

The lady insists, so the vet gets his Labrador dog. The dog puts his front paws on the table, sniffs the dead duck, looks sadly up to the vet and just shakes its head.

The vet then gets his cat, places it on the table. The cat moves from head to the feet of the duck and back up again. The cat looks up at the vet and shakes its head.

The vet then turns to the elderly lady and say

"I have now the confirmation that your duck is dead, ma'am"

The lady is in tears, takes the dead duck and is about to leave the vet's office. Just before leaving, the vet hands her the bill. The lady almost faints from shock

"$1,200 just to tell me that my duck is dead? she screams!

"Ma'am", says the vet, "you needed confirmation of my diagnosis. So I had a lab report and a cat scan done, those are not cheap"

[AlexBlack007]

I knew where the joke was going with the dog and the cat! Still loved it! 😆

[TarrAva]

@AlexBlack007 Darn! And I thought I had an original, unpublished and exclusive joke. I guess I need to pay some copyright fee now :-)

[laurieluvsit]

That's a good one and I did not see where it was going... of course, I was sitting in a "Hump Film Festival" reading it during the opening segment... lol

[nerms123]

Why did the mushroom go to the party?
Because he was a fun guy.

[laurieluvsit]

Sorry, I'm blonde, I had to read that 4 times to get it... I'm not kidding... lol

[nerms123]

😂😂😂😂

[Jjpayne]

This is some good stuff!!! It would be a pleasure to have shared a drink with you while you hunted all three great jokes from your phone :) I'm sure they would be much better coming directly from you :)

[Jjpayne]

*these not three...

[Finchie40]

Why does Charlie Brown's Breathe Smell soo Good? He ate peppermint Patty

[AlexBlack007]

Hilarious! 😂😂 More jokes please @laurieluvsit

[NatePsychologyMajor]

Always, don't want to start it off mad.

[WhereAmI]

Which came first, the chicken or the egg?

Answer: The rooster. Chicken and eggs don't cum.

[COMMODOREII]

The second one. Lol

[DanOh2018]

LoL I love that first one.

[NightOwl8801]

I love jokes , it's a great way to diffuse any situation or brighten up someone's day

[Exorcist_Rampage]

Not Mary with the cherry was best.

What do you call pigs who have wild sex? Dirty pigs.

[Smigullage21]

My penis got awared for curening hysterical women