How can you cope with conflicting feelings regarding your values and sexual desire?

[Anonymous]

Maybe it's a dumb question but recently somethings bothering me and it's a downer most off the time.
I am quite conservative when it comes to dating and relationships. I believe in monogamous relationships, loyality and would think of my self as a person who would never be down for a ONS and hookups. I want sex only with love and want a traditional marriage with kids. I also think I am rather prudish. I don't like showing much skin in public, I think sex and showing affections in for the private home not the public. I also have a strong moral concious. I am very law abiding and you could say I am rather strict about breaking rules and such. So basically like I said I strongly believe in traditional and conservative values when it comes to sex and relationships but I have this other side inside me which is the exact opposite. I don't wanna go into details but all of my sexual fantasies are really dirty and go against everyone of my values and morals. I don't know maybe they are there because of repressed feelings but it's not like I hate my strict personality so I don't know why I would need an outlet.
Eather way it's making me feel miserable because I don't know who I am anymore and if my values are even worth anything if I can throw them out of the window when something sexual is involved. I also feel like I am betraying my morals and feel dirty after engaging my fantasies. I feel like being two faced and I hate that. I know some of you will think its just a fantasy no big deal, but I really think I am starting to get into an existencial crisis over this because I really don't know myself, my moral compass and my true believes anymore.
What can I do?

[Anonymous]

You remind me a lot of my girlfriend. In her ideal scenario she would have liked to wait until marriage, but certain circumstances didn't allow for that to happen... Anyway we waited to have sex until we knew we WANTED to marry each other, and neither of us wanted to without the commitment. My reasoning there basically boils down to the fact that as long as divorce is an option it undermines the implied permanence of marriage. Even if the couple "does it right" and swears up and down that divorce is not an option, it's an option regardless. Divorce is a mandatory option imposed by the state, and for that reason marriage does not and has not reliably implied commitment since the implementation of divorce as a practice. When people say they want to wait for marriage, they usually mean "I only want to sleep with one person in the entirety of my life", so waiting for commitment seems like a more direct way to address the matter than waiting until marriage. As for your kink, she's extremely similar there too (minus the degradation, throw in some legit bruising) and she has no moral quandaries as far as being comfortable doing that stuff with me. It's worth mentioning she separates pain from intent. If I'm hurting her with malicious intent it registers very differently with her than if I'm doing it during sex. There's also certain things she likes and certain things that, common as they are, don't get her off in any way (and in some cases make her upset). Trust is definitely a factor, and I'm constantly gauging her reactions to make sure I'm not going too far. The thing she has the biggest issue with (much like you) is she gets extremely uncomfortable discussing her fantasies and any lustful desires she has. She has assured me that she'll be more comfortable with it in time, but I can tell she struggles like you are with your issues. Personally I don't think you should feel guilty about thoughts. Most of our thoughts are actually about things that would be terrible to act out in practice. We think through scenarios before acting to determine if something is a good idea or a bad idea. A lot of the time we have ideas that are a bit of both, and those are the ones that usually end up as acted out mistakes depending on how things turn out. I think it's far better to only fantasize about getting led around a park by a leash nude and then piss and shit on a tree like a dog than to actually do it (or whatever your actual fantasies are 😅). I also don't think that having sexual fantasies like that is evidence that you're a hypocrite just because you're conservative. It would be hypocritical if you simultaneously condemned others for having such thoughts. Sounds like you have a slightly above average sex drive for a woman and you value yourself too highly to fuck around, which is very respectable.

[Opinion Owner]

I'd recommend you look closely and carefully for a boyfriend who you want to spend the rest of your life with, and who wants to spend his life with you and is into the stuff your fantasies are about.

[Anonymous]

Sometimes the reason people have those fantasies is because of their values.

Before I go on though, I don't think that it's a bad thing. If you do such things with the man you love, in a committed relationship, there's no reason to feel bad about it at all.

You mentioned in another reply that you fantasise about being submissive and being degraded.

It's very common for women to fantasise about being submissive. In the BDSM community for example most of of the women are submissive. One of the most common fantasies for women is the "forced sex" fantasy, where they want to be overpowered and "taken" aggressively.

Many people would disagree with me on this today, but most women are submissive sexually. That's just female nature.

As for , being turned on by degradation, that comes from your feelings of shame/fear of being viewed as a slut and sexual desire. The conflict between the two. This is how many fetishes and kinks develop. It's strange but also interesting the way the brain workeds.

If you feel like a slut for wanting certain sexual things, that creates a mental block. You deal with that mental block by developing a fetish for degradation. If you feel like a slut for wanting to be submissive to your man and to please him, getting off on being treated like a slut in the bedroom helps you get past that. If you're afraid that doing something by yourself will make you feel like a slut even if you really want to, having him order you to do it takes away the responsibility from you - you didn't do it by yourself, he "made" you do it (of course it should always be consensual, but you get what I mean hopefully).

It also doesn't really define you as a person. You say elsewhere that it makes you feel sad, the idea of actually going ahead with it. If you do it with a guy you trust, it doesn't matter. It doesn't change anything.

I do that kind of stuff with my girlfriend. I do nasty things to her and I make her do nasty things to please me. We both love it. Then afterwards we're just a normal couple. I'm not gonna call her a slut, think she's a slut in real life, or disrespect her in anyway. That would be ridiculous. It's just kinky consensual roleplay really.

[Anonymous]

You sound a hell of a lot like me and I am kind of glad to see someone vocalise feelings I have always had. Like you, I have always been prudish, very conservative in regards to sex, and steered clear of one nght stands and random meaningless hook-ups. I spent my teen years single because all the boys who liked me only really wanted sex. I also want a traditional marriage and kids. I am currently with my boyfriend of over two years who took my virginity when I was 20 (which is a lot older than many). As a woman, although I like to feel sexy, there is something about wanting sex that I am uncomfortable with. I suppose I have grown up with the old-fashioned belief that men want sex and women just sort of go along with it to please their desires. But I have found that I have a higher sex drive than my boyfriend. It bothers me. The idea that I think about sex more than him or want it more makes me feel kind of ashamed at times. His lower sex drive is pretty temporary, considering he is under stress right now, but it still bothers me, that I am somehow prudish and conservative yet think of sex/sexual fantasies on a regular and daily basis.
The best piece of advice I can give you, which is what I tell myself. Wanting sex or thinking of sexual things is totally normal, and actually a sign of being a healthy adult (providing the sexual fantasies are of consensual adults with no harm being caused). None of us would even be here if it wasn't for the desire to have sex. But your sexual fantasies and feelings are nothing but your own and something you have every right to keep private. You can still be prudish and yet have sexual feelings, it is only natural being prudish I believe is the public sharing of sexual things, which is something I don't like.

[kitty71]

Something similar happened or it is happening to me. I also had some moral values anbd I was raised conservative too. Initiatlly when I was younger I also believe that sex could come after marriage and I will never engage in sexual relationships before getting married. Also Im not the type of waoman thath lieks to show skin too much in public maybe the normal showing but not to the extent of showing like cleaveages, or buns. In fact I wll never dare to wear short tight clothes in publi or break the rules I jsut could not. Also im not such a bold or daring woman either.

But then like you there is a inner woman in me that thinks differently and want to be more sexual more open with the guy Im attracted but my morals refrain me in doing thngs I consider it should not be done.
For example this guy Im attracted, wants to have sex with me and go for it just liek taht. But then my conservative part says no as I will be nervous and jumpy but my other side says I should face this fear and try to do it becuse I like the guy too much. So like you I dont know what do do either. For the conservative part of me is the reason I stall a guy for intimacy for many months

[SuperManiac]

The point of values is to guide you to resist certain temptations. We wouldn't need them if there weren't any. The fact that you desire something doesn't mean you've gone against your values until you act upon it. On the contrary, that's why the values are there, to try to help you resist acting upon it in spite of desiring it.

I don't share your values exactly but the temptation to go against our values is very normal.

[SuperManiac]

You know, being a good person wouldn't be impressive if they weren't tempted to do evil. To the contrary, perhaps the most admirable examples are those who have the greatest temptations and still resist.

[Asker]

But does the desire alone not proof that I am already "corrupted"? Why would I think about them if I were "good" and "pure" to begin with? I sometimes feel disgusted of myself and it's not a nice feeling.

[SuperManiac]

If these desires weren't common, there'd be no need to teach values in the first place. You're a young woman coming to terms with her own sexuality, and fantasies can go into strange places. It doesn't make you a monster. It makes you human.

[SuperManiac]

Besides, it might be possible that if you were faced with the prospect of actually fulfilling whatever fantasy you have, you wouldn't actually want to do it. It's like your mind went somewhere, but it's your imagination -- a simulation -- like dreams, they go to strange places at times. But that doesn't mean you'll go there when faced with the prospect in reality. If I talk in religious terms (although I'm not), it's like the devil tempts everybody. That's why it's a struggle. It's supposed to be difficult. But right now the only thing you have is that you entertained some fantasies -- like a fantasy world in your mind... make-believe. It's okay.

[MrOracle]

I'm very similar to AustinMan in that my public behavior is very traditional and moral, but in the bedroom/in private, I'm a Dominant.

I also had trouble reconciling those aspects of myself when I was younger, but with time, experience, and research/exposure, I came to realize that LOTS of people have a private side of themselves that isn't reflective of their public image, and that's okay.

[SteveSmith1985]

You poor girl! It sounds like you're having a genuine moral crisis. I might be able to at least give you some food for thought on this.

First let me say that I share your views around monogamy and love. I can't claim that I'm generally a conservative person. I do however have a very strong moral compass. I can appreciate how difficult this internal conflict must be for you.

At the end of the day, what you're going to have to do is to reexamine your morals in light of these conflicting urges. This is of course a process, but that is what you'll end up having to do.

Now, I would seriously question how much your fantasies (or even acting on some of them) are ACTUALLY in conflict with your morals. I can almost guarantee you that there isn't nearly as much conflict between the two as it seems.

First I suppose you need to define what your moral position is EXACTLY.

For example... say you want to be tied up and treated roughly... I can see how that seems to go against your morals (as you've described your general conservative moral make-up). But if you really examine it... ask yourself which aspect SPECIFICALLY of your internal morals are being contravened? I think you might have a very hard time pinning that down.

... (more coming)

[SteveSmith1985]

I think it might end up finding it's conflict with your OVERALL sense of what's right or proper behaviour, as opposed to being able to say "this is wrong (or bad) because..." The "because" ends up being something like "that's not what good girls do". Which comes down to the genral liking to follow the rules you mentioned. It's against the "rules" of being a good and proper girl. It just isn't the way a girl like that acts. therefore, if you find youself enjoying fantasies which aren't what good girls like... then you feel like... since you like it... you're not actually the good girl you've always seen yourself as. BUT that's a false dichotamy. If you actually examine the WHY it's against the rules for a "good girl"I think you'll come up empty. "it just is" is likely the best reason you'll find. Your at the point where you need to reevaluate your beliefs as a thinking adult. By no means does that mean that your morality will change. It means you'll understand how (most of) your desires ARE IN FACT not against your morals... but rather against the genral idea of what's right and proper you've likely internalized before you knew what sex was. That general idea of what's right and proper is something you need to think about for yourself. You're still basing it on your childhood beliefs which you seem to feel are sacred, the absolute truth, and not something you've ever thought might need reexamining. It does. Is it really bad to want to be tied up and ravaged? if so then why? Does it hurt you to either fantacise or act out these desires? No Does it hurt another for you to be tied up and ravaged? No Does it lessen the respect you have for yourself and the respect others have for you? No, assuming a consensual encounter with someone who keeps private things private.

[SteveSmith1985]

Is it really behavior or thoughts that only a bad (or morally bankrupt) girl would have, or enjoy? I think you'll be forced to admit that that's absolutely, positively, unarguably NOT the case. You hit the nail on the head when you mentioned it might be your repressed nature that's lead to such "unrepressed" sexual fantasies. That's very very common. The guys who like a "mistress" to dominate and humiliate them, are usually, in real life powerful, assertive guys who make lots of money and are used to being in control. They enjoy the loss of control. The number of ardent feminists I've know who have rape fantasies would shock you (it shocked me at first). A lot of the appeal of people's most secret (and intense) sexual desires revolve around doing things that seem a little bit "wrong". People find it exciting... it's exactly what they KNOW they SHOULD'T like... and they enjoy the "naughtiness" or "wrongness" of it. Why do some guys have a foot fetish? because pretty girls with smelly feet is "wrong". It's something that should inspire disgust... and it's just that incongruity that those guys like. The same thing applies to almost any fetish... it's a matter of I like enjoying this thing that I'm not supposed to enjoy... specifically because I know I'm not "supposed" to. You really need to give yourself a break. Honestly... you're not actually in the morality based identity crisis you think you're in. Your thoughts and feelings are absolutely normal, to be expected, and you need to come around to where you aren't fighting them away, or feeling guilty for having them.

[SteveSmith1985]

Sexually... people are weird... EVERYONE is weird is some way. The idea that anyone has a proper, conservative "good girl" sex-life and is happy with that is absurd. People have kinks and proclivities. That's ok, as long as nobody is wronged... afterall, isn't that the point of a moral position? To prevent harm to yourself or another? The day you're able to accept and embrace the fact that yea... you're kinky in this or that way... will be a wonderfully liberating day for you. If you message me, I'd be happy to hear from you. I find your problem very interesting. I also feel bad for you. You're going through some serious personal hell... completely by yourself... without even feeling like you know who you really are. The worst part is... the fact that you're not actually as lost as you feel you are doesn't make a difference to how you feel... until you reason your way out of it. You will reconcile your fantasies and your morals. Do some thinking. You'll see. You really still are who you've always thought you were... you're just a grown-up with grown-up desires now. And that's ok.

[Tanntoned]

Be excited and open! You are becoming aware of what psychologist Carl Jung called “the shadow”. Which is simply the dark hidden side of the personality that everyone possesses. I would suggest to continue to explore and discover this darker side, with no judgement. Since I’ve completely acknowledged mine, life has been way more fulfilling, exciting and adventurous... all legal, but pretty kinky. 😂

https://highexistence.com/carl-jung-shadow-guide-unconscious/

[AustinMan]

Welcome to my world. While not identical, they are analogous. I'm a perfect gentleman in real life. I dote on my lady and treat women with courtesy and respect. However, when the clothes come off, I'm a pretty sadistic DOM who loves to watch my lady suffer (consensually) at my hand: spanking, rough nipple play, etc. It took me awhile when I was your age to reconcile them. If you'd rather, we can this to PM.

[Asker]

My fantasies would probably be the counterpart to yours. My biggest "kink" if I can call it that is degredation and basically being really submissive and such, and even though I know it's not uncommen I ask myself. Am I this person? Me who wants to have an equal as a partner and be respected in a relationship. But I fantasies about being made into something lowly and pathetic? I don't want to admit that and I don't wnat to live as these two people. I wish I could accept it for what it is kind of but how? How do you get along with these two conflicting sides inside yourself?

[AustinMan]

You are both people and that's okay. If we choose wisely, the same equal partner that we live with will respect us AND, in your case, subdue, degrade, and probably discipline you, all while maintaining his respect. What you do with someone sexually doesn't have to be respectable. It has to be erotic. Revel in your different personas. I respect who you say you are in both dimensions. Does that help? If not, tell me what else you need to know.

[yougurt]

You can fullfil those fantasies with your future husband or serious boyfriend.

[taksuga]

It's okay if who you are is a person that comes off conservative in relationships, but likes kinky stuff in the bedroom. I think a lot of people are like that. I feel like as long as you don't have trouble communicating to your partner what you want to do in the bedroom with them, when the time is right for that, then I don't see why this would cause conflict? Do you feel like you are being untrue to yourself? Or do you feel like you are judging others that don't show the same conservative values when it comes to relationships?

[razelove]

I won't call you crazy for calling it a fantasy. The woman who got me into polyamory as a relationship choice with a girl I had been dating was very straight laced, and, well, pretty much exactly as you describe. I still liked both of them but wanted to do "the right thing" break if off with one before getting with the other. They talked and decided I shouldn't have to choose, and that they liked each other besides.

Try writing about it some, how those fantasies would work out in reality, how they wouldn't. What you would enjoy, what truly conflicts with you. If it really is just fantasies, writing about it will be an outlet that's safe, and you could probably make money off of publishing. If not, then it will lead you to a more practical middle ground of keeping your belief, and not feeling conflicted with what you want to please yourself.

[SnowPrincess13]

I'm like you. I'm very traditional and have that sort of life. I got married at 18 and have been a housewife ever since with two children. I'm submissive to my husband and it gives me great enjoyment to fully submit to him in and outside of the bedroom. You can have both. You just have to find the right partner. You sound naturally submissive like me and that's why we both have those fantasies of being overpowered and taken. That doesn't make you a bad person or disgusting. Just human.

[OrionTheCat]

You just need to accept yourself. You've focused on moral and spiritual, and forgotten you're also a sexual being. No matter how much we've evolved and civilised, we still have some primal urges, and that's ok. No need to feel bad about it or to deny that part of you, because it'll only make it worse. I've been through that too. Felt like I'm betraying myself by having such thoughts, that I'm dirty and not sophisticated as I thought, but in reality, I'm just like everyone else. And there's nothing wrong with it. Humans need sex, you can't fight evolution. You're still yourself. It's okay.

[hellionthesagereborn]

Well one, sexual repression doesn't help. Two, understanding WHY you have those desires is important. Three, action matters so we fall short of our goals but we strive to achieve them so while I am not saying you should idulge your fantasies (quite honestly you probably shouldn't), understand that the goal is to be better and not perfect is important. Four in my personal view I am against causal sex, I believe in sex between two people who love each other, that said I also think that once you find that one person the object of sex is intimacy but its also about having fun and exploring each other and what makes you feel good i. e. find the right person, love them, be loyal to them and when in the bedroom go nuts. Five I would ask if your on any kind of birthcontrol (I ask only because data has shown that it can really screw with your head (not really suprising considering your altering your body chemistry) and has effects like making women more attracted to feminine faces but also more attracted to (pseudo in my opinion) ultra masculine behavior i. e. extreme dominance and things like that. So those can be factors as well.

[hollowo]

I'm sorry if what I say offend u in any means but it is me sharing my views.
Sometimes when we are being raised and been given the tag of a good child and everyone in the fam and society/locality sees us the same way we feel good and as we grow up we still wish to be seen as a good human rather we get to learn about things and some dark realities about ourselves. So it kinda changes a lot of thing as one wishes for both of them and gets confused for what they should go for.

Well I think if u would be in a relationship where your partner is committed towards u would definitely help you out with your sexual appetite.
If u wanna try getting your mind off the sexual side of u them maybe meditation helps u focus on ur goals rather than them things.
I wish you luck.
I would wanna know if it helps you
: )

[Boppy]

I think you should ask yourself why you hold these values, and why do you think they're worthwhile?

If you want to live conservatively, go for it.
If your sexuality involves enjoying unusual stuff, does that conflict with your monogamy?
It just means you'll have to find a spouse you're sexually compatible with (for example, a sub with a dom) if you think this is an important part of your relationship joys and sexuality.

I think the important part is having a good idea of why your values will make you live a happier life, and to not give up on things that you find deeply, personally worthwhile.

As an aside, I recommend looking into SSC (Safe, Sane, and Consensual) guides, as they are helpful for making sure both people can enjoy themselves.

[lightbulb27]

probably been exposed to these thoughts and ideas in movies, mags, your phone, people around. culture is corrupting.
All this stuff is in our past... it's in the Bible OT. It's inside of us humans, being something "higher" is a choice we made. being exposed to it just draws it out again.

could be more to it... no way around hormones. the hormones drive the emotions... which drives how you feel. curious if you change your diet if things change..

finding the cause/effect is exploration.
I don't believe in bottling things up, makes it worse. That's why there are "confession" so writing things out how you feel, trying to find source... and being honest with yourself. Feelings change, as do emotions.

[ArrowheadSW]

I'm just wondering if you masturbate while thinking of your fantasies, would that help you to "get it out of your system"?

[Asker]

No it doesn't help unfortunately. Because it makes me feel more dirty and like I gave into it. I know it doesn't do harm but I have a hard time accepting these feelings and getting them to align with my values.

[Kaazsz]

Personally I believe all people are capable of developing fantasies like that. You are submissive. Many women are. It’s just logical. You’re smaller and weaker than men so it’s logical that you would feel sexually submissive and have fun with those fantasies.

Men are also capable of submissive fantasy, and both men and women are capable of dominant fantasy and others.

Our sexuality is very interesting. You can’t put morals on sexual shit. The best you can do is find a guy you love, and have him degrade you and use you and make you his little sex slave in private. That’s perfectly fine! So go out and find your hubby and I hope he gives you all that submissive pleasure you desire. It’s ok!

[mattdzz]

Morals aren't morals if you have no inclination to do the things you refrain from doing. It's fully expected that we want to do things that we stop ourselves from doing, otherwise there is no reward for not doing something you already don't have any desire to do.

[Cherokeehp]

Oh my god your life sounds so boring. I don’t see why some people place such high values and strict rules on having sex. Sex is fun. People have been having sex for thousands and thousands and thousands of years. It is literally human nature to want to have sex. Just go have the sex. As long as you’re not out here raping people, nobody cares. There’s literally no reason not to have the sex you want to have. Sex is not dirty (unless you’re into like poop or something). I feel like this concept shouldn’t be that difficult for an adult woman to understand.

[Asker]

Well I can't change the way I was raised as a child and that it affected my morality. That's why I said I was proud of my values because I rather am a boring person than fuck around without care with nobody special just because I can.

[Cherokeehp]

Nobody said you had to just fuck around with a random person. Just find somebody you like and care about and trust and just have sex with them. The person doesn’t have to be the love of your life but they don’t have to be a complete stranger either. Not everybody is cool with one night stands and all that. I’m just saying if you really want to have sex that bad then just find someone you’re comfortable with and have sex. There’s literally nothing morally wrong with having sex with a consenting adult. Nobody gets hurt. Nothing bad will happen.

[EmbraceThePain]

This state is normal to have to my knowledge. A lot of men and women have fantasies that they play out in their head, that wouldn’t be pragmatic, safe, or logical to actually carry out in reality. You’re human, you’re not perfect. You can have certain beliefs, values, convictions, etc. and at the same time have differing thoughts and still be perfectly normal. You cannot control your thoughts, since a lot of times they’re without your authoring. We all have thoughts, wishes, and fantasies in our head but wouldn’t actually carry out in reality. My advice? Try figuring yourself out and what you truly like. I think this might involve you getting to know someone like yourself, being in a relationship with them and being intimate. You can still hold your beliefs and engage in some of your fantasies with this person and be perfectly moral, non hypocritical, etc.

What specific fantasies do you have?

[PeacefulRainDrop]

Your not contradicting yourself there's a time and place for everything