I hate my husband... need insight from another perspective?

[Anonymous]

I'm 42 and have been with him since I was 17. Obviously I'm not the same person I was when we first got together, I was a child.
In the beginning, I worshipped him, gave him everything he wanted, but after years of this one sided relationship, I started resenting him. I begged him to try therapy and he refused. So, I stayed and continued to try. He didn't care, it took years, but I started not caring too. Years of crying myself to sleep, asking what I could've done differently.

The sex is nonexistent. He never even tries to initiate sex unless he's intoxicated and it's such a fucking turn off at that point. Oh, and there's the porn. Which, I think in moderation is fine, but he's addicted. He can't touch me, but can touch himself while watching porn, with some questionably aged girls. It sickens me. I used to find him so desirable, but can't stand the thought of him touching me anymore.

And then there's his drinking. If I say anything, he just drinks more. I no longer invite him out with friends because of the multiple times he has humiliated me in front of people, with his lack of self control to the insensitive remarks he makes.
I hate him.

I have thought about leaving so many times, but we have a daughter and I feel so guilty for her.

I'm not perfect by any means, but I really have tried and don't know what to do. I'm so fucking lonely even with someone who is supposed to be my life partner in the next room. I'm too embarrassed to even fully open myself up to friends about the situation, they're all happy with their spouses.

Please don't judge, but after 15 years of being faithful, I even had an affair. I know it's wrong. I used to judge cheaters myself. It was only a temporary fix, but it felt amazing to be wanted again. And yes, I felt guilty.

I just feel so unlucky in love. All I want is a partner who gives as much to our relationship as I do or did. Is that asking too much? Has anyone else been in this situation? What did you do?

I'm so miserable.

[NitroBlade]

Relationships are a 2-way road. Unfortunately it sounds like your going down a 1-way.

I can understand the hate, and even the desire to feel wanted and loved.

Hiebert, the question you need to ask yourself is, what's best for your child? For you to be in a loveless marriage? Or for your child to see you happy? Children are influenced by your relationships. If they see you with your husband, she may seek out a similar relationship. Coming from a child of divorce, I'm happy my parents aren't together. It hurt at first, of course. But as I got older it made sense. Mind you they split when I was a teenager, but still.

Also don't be afraid to seek out help from friends. That's what they're there for. Who cares if they are in good relationships? I'm sure if you open up, they could relate more than you know. Chances are they already suspect something. Friends are there to help, don't close yourself to them. You'll need them when breaking it off with your husband. Don't do it alone.

It seems like you tried everything. Yes, you cheated, and it sucks. But it sounds like that was an easy solution to your problem. Unfortunately you need to take the difficult road. You need to do this for your kid, and especially for yourself.

Good luck, I hope you find the strength.

[markscott]

First, try one more time to get him to therapy with you, unless you have done so in the fairly recent past. Second, get yourself some therapy. Mostly so you can go about this in a wise and effective way. It does seem that it makes sense to leave, considering the deterioration in the relationship, the excessive alcohol use, porn addiction, and his refusal to seek help in the relationship, and your misery for so long. But go about it wisely. If you afford a counselor, talk to someone you can trust, or a social worker. There are pitfalls to ending a relationship, and you need to avoid them, so you don't find yourself stuck in a mess. I'm not saying you need to leave, but I can certainly seen the sense in you leaving.

[taksuga]

This sounds like such a complicated situation. I've never had kids, so I don't even know if I could speak to that, but I feel like you deserve so much better than this person. Just the way that you laid out the problem shows that you are a really thoughtful person who cares about others and is not trying to make this decision selfishly.

Personally I think marriage, especially young marriage, is kind of a messed up system that it bonds people together for life. You are not the same person as you were at 17, neither am I. We all evolve and it's okay if our partners change over time to match the person that we have become. Maybe he was the perfect person at 17, but it sounds like he is not stepping up to the plate now. It sounds like he does not recognize there is a problem. If I were in this situation, though I know it would be immensely difficult, I would recognize that I deserve better, that my kid deserves better, and get the heck out of that relationship.

[Daniela1982]

And girls/boys think that porn is harmless. We just heard from another victim of it whose husband would rather get off to a porn star on a video screen instead of the real live person he lives with. At this point I'm not sure you could get him to stop. I think you both need marriage counseling because I have learned it is usually a he said / she said where you have both contributed to it in some way. Like was it a lack of sexiness, like not wearing lingerie? No foreplay, or anything else that you could turn each other on by. Have you gained a lot of weight? And of course drinking doesn't help. People turn to drinking when depressed or when harassed by their S/O for some reason. If you both want to stay together then you have to work together. If you don't it's not going to work and you may as well split up and go your separate ways.

[ciitruskiwi]

I've never been in this situation but my parents have and speaking from the child's perspective I'm glad my mom left my dad. I was 4 when she filed for divorce and I understand why she did. In my opinion staying in an unhappy loveless marriage is worse on children. Remember, your child looks up to your relationship as a definition of love and healthy relationships, they don't have any other relationships to be able to compare it to.

That being said don't forget that your feelings matter in this situation as well not just your daughter's. Life is short, don't continue to live it miserably. You deserve to happy.

[HOAAH]

I can understand why you do not feel loved. It's like he doesn't treat you with appreciation, respect or adoration. He should do it but he doesn't.
Sometimes I do feel the same way. I don't feel loved. I try and try to make him feel loved but he doesn't do the same back. It's frustrating. All i can say is it's hard. It does feel depressing especially if there are others who seem more happy.
Pm me if you like. Misery likes company.

I also don't want to divorce. Also have kids...

[Flower7]

You should get divorced because the relationship is over. It's not worth it to stay together just for your daughter. She most likely already knows that things aren't good between you and your husband. And it's not good for her to see a bad and unloving relationship. That might make her end up in one herself.

Even if it's not with her dad, it would be better for her to see you happy with a stepfather, or even by yourself. I think it's way past time to move on. This relationship seems too far gone to come back to life, so there's no reason to try to hold on to it. I'm not a fan of divorce and usually wouldn't recommend it, but in your case, I think it's the best option for everyone.

[mrfoox]

How old is your daughter?
I don't think she'd feel any better seeing you miserable together with your husband, than happy apart. You say he has a problem with drinking? If your daughter is old enough to catch on to this, there's a chance she also wish to be able to get away from him.
You've tried for many years without him returning the favor, it's okay to leave. If you're actually miserable, your daughter will not be happy if you stay together.

[MrKinktastic]

The affair is understandable, the guilt you feel is the main consequence for that one, I don't judge though.

It sounds like you should leave, being with a man you hate is worse for your kid than seeing their parents split. They're going to believe that's what a healthy relationship is supposed to look like and will be more likely to repeat the mistake. If he's open to therapy there's some hope for redemption that way but if he's committed to his self destruction there's not a lot you can do.

Also it sounds like your husband is struggling with alcoholism, at least to some degree. Alcoholics anonymous has a program for spouses/partners effected by it that might be of help to you.

[taleets]

I probably wouldn’t tell him about the affair but I don’t condone it. If he will get violent that is scary. I would however get a divorce. Your daughter will be fine even though it’s hard on her for sure

[Cnote22]

You should consider a temporary separation to give him a chance to make changes. Make going to couples therapy a condition of ending the separation.

If he doesn't agree you should probably consider saving yourself through divorce

[ret04]

I was mostly on your side until you said you cheated. As repulsive as he can be, it makes you that much more.

What perspective did you hope to hear? You're made for each other. Both complicit in a miserable and dysfunction marriage, for many years at that. You're both selfish, both lazy, and both succumbed to apathy. After all this time, you think it's going to just fix itself, or ask Dr. Phil to fix it for you?

Make the hard decisions. Have the divorce papers served, and end the charade. It's co-parasitic, it's unhealthy, and it's most importantly a waste of time on this planet. If you want something enough, it will most likely happen. If you don't want it, there's no chance.

[ecfresh]

Have you all been to couples counseling to try and work on your marriage with the guidance of a professional 3rd party?

[Asker]

I would have loved to do that. I begged him to go... several times. He flat out REFUSES

[ecfresh]

At some point marriages fail. Yes it makes so much sense to stay together for the kids and because you made promises all those years ago. But keep in mind those promises had conditions and it sounds like he isn’t living up to his promises. You can actually hurt your child more to remain in a toxic marriage. As you said, there is abuse and unfortunately he is an alcoholic. If he refuses to do couples counseling, at least get help yourself and start to make some changes

[ecfresh]

It breaks my heart to hear your story and I am sure you are tough deep down but no one can suffer that long without help. Even love cannot force someone to change and I am sorry he’s hurting you like he is.

[slatyb]

Today is the first day of the rest of your life. Corny but true. How old is your daughter? How's her home life? It's very possible both you and your daughter would both be better off if you were to leave him. Can you talk to a professional counselor? If not, how about a supportive friend or relative?

[Owen3]

What are your astrology signs?

[slatyb]

@Owen3 WTF does that have to do with anything?

[Asker]

She's 13. He's a good dad, just not a great husband. I asked him to go to marriage counseling, he won't do it, I begged. I could go myself, but it takes two. I have talked to friends, but I get embarrassed, I feel like a failure.

[Asker]

@Owen3 I'm a Cancer, he's a Gemini

[Owen3]

Everything that has to do with our universe🤔, if you don't understand maybe you should do some research👍 I can tell you your destiny just by your birthdate.

[Owen3]

Right there boom!! he is I want to sign your are so that's hurricane forces, they don't match

[Owen3]

I bet you go to Leo on the DL.. haha jkjk keep this in mind for you. You will find a Sagittarius that will be able to handle your wild ass. Is the cancer before July 4th or after and are you before June 5th or after

[Owen3]

Sorry that you're the cancer he's the gemie..

[Asker]

@Owen3 my bff is a leo. I see similarities in me and traits of my sign. I'm very sensitive, can be emotional. But I feel like if he wanted to, he could try no matter what his sign is.

[Owen3]

Your water he's fire 🤔 your love is a Earth sign

[Asker]

@Owen3 my affair was with a Taurus

[Owen3]

That's a sign

[Owen3]

What year were you born?

[Asker]

@Owen3 end of June, 77

[Owen3]

You're close to a destiny like mine and my destiny is, Experiences. And it all depends on what road your soul picks. On a positive note, we're in a Transit cycle from Uranus to Jupiter. Jupiter Transit means fresh start new beginning, we will have it for a I think 2 years, it's just a cycle that planets are going through. With that guy asking about what birthdates having to do with it, the elements are behind you from the day you took your breath. from the positions of the planet and solar system. Earth and Moon, will all have effects on ones journey of life. everything has a cycle and sets off a energy. For the next couple years we're going to be either rebuilding or new start, bc Jupiter Transit, a good energy for rebuilding or polishing soul, if we're in a good place on our journey, then we will just be easy going. I read our horoscope for 2020, it's pretty cool, you're just getting out of chapter, me too, so it's nothing but better in your future. You're going to have to check it out.. Cafeastrology. com I know how to read tarot cards too, there pretty cool if you could see the signs and easel to your advantage

[JazzHands]

divorce. Show your daughter that its ok to walk away from abusive situations, so that she has the strength to do the same if she ends up in a relationship like yours.

[reptocarl]

Shame on you for staying

[0112358]

Some but not all of your situation is familiar. More people than you think understand.

[Asker]

It just sucks. I do love him, I just haven't been IN love with him for a long time. I know marriage is communicating, compromising, it's a lot of work... work he doesn't seem interested in doing unfortunately

[ZELLxoxo]

All I want to know is why is he behaving like this? Drinking alcohol, lack of intimacy, etc..

Why?

[MementoMori_]

Sometimes you are so deep in the s*** that you can't see what a mess you are in. This relationship is over, but you are prolonging the pain. You only have one life to live and your daughter will be better off with divorced parents and a happy mother than married parents and a miserable mother. Get out. The sooner you rip off the band aid and get started on the healing, the better off everyone will be.

[Guy1467]

I know a woman in this exact same situation, same age as you, same problems with her husband, they sleep in separate rooms only she has a boy.
What you're going through seems very common.
Does your husband know about the affair?

[Asker]

We sleep separately too. No, he doesn't. I don't think I'd be here if he did. I know it was wrong, but I needed to feel connected to someone again. It took YEARS to get to that point.

[Guy1467]

The woman I'm talking about used to confide in me everyday. It was hard for her. Her husband found out that we were talking. It was bad. I feel for you.

[Asker]

That's just the thing, if I could confide in him and talk about things without getting shut out or ridiculed, I wouldn't even be in this situation. Did your friend leave her husband?

[Guy1467]

Wait, her birthday was in July so she would be a Cancer too.

[Guy1467]

She ended up getting a full time teaching job which is what she wanted. She became preoccupied with work. She stopped talking about her husband to me. She didn't leave him. I don't think he wanted her to say anything about their marriage anymore. We lost contact recently. I hope she's doing well.

[Guy1467]

Can I ask you a question?

[Asker]

Sure

[Guy1467]

Oh, I was just freaking out because you're so similar to her. I was just wondering what your favorite band is and what kind of snack you like to eat?

[Asker]

Lol. I literally listen to everything, so that's a hard question to answer. As far as snacks, I like seasoned almonds, olives, stuff like that.

[Guy1467]

Okay, if you would've said Matchbox 20 and you like to eat gummy bears and drink Dr. Pepper I would've lost it. There were too many coincidences. I thought you were her. LoL. I'm separated myself. I was in a long marriage as well. I hope you can find a way to do whatever will be best for your daughter. That might even mean separating. I get that you feel trapped. It's hard to live separately and coparent if he's an alcoholic. I didn't want to leave my child with my ex either.

[winterfox10]

DIVORCE HIM. You had an affair. Why? You felt trapped. You felt like you had to stay in a marriage and in an arrangement that was emotionally draining you passed the point of being dry. So, you can either stay in a toxic arrangement that isn't honestly doing your daughter any favors, or, you can get divorced. You can enjoy living your life.

[dbr1987]

Narcissists don't go to therapy because they don't feel like anything is wrong with them. Your discription fits a narcissist. But i also don't trust women so maybe you are dishonest and only want validation for your cheating. Liitle do i know. If you are honest find more about narcissistic abuse on YouTube. ASSC direct will help you on your way understanding it and determine if he is

[soleil2666]

And you are still together because?
You feel guilty about getting alimony or you'd like it to grow further?
Is this a q about his portfolio and the future of the stock markets?
Because we all know you didn't have to stay the one year... But don't abuse his money either.

[SuccessfulHornDog]

I was on your side up until you cheated