Sexual Relationships
+1 y

My boyfriend said “I can touch you wherever I want whenever I want because we’re dating.” Am I right to be upset?

So my boyfriend isn’t usually pushy and he lets me make the first move because I’ve told him I’ve had a traumatic past of sexual assault.
We don’t have sex as much as we used to because it’s been hurting but we’ve been trying different things to remedy the situation.
Today after we kissed for a while he touched my vagina region (I was clothed) and I winced and told him it didn’t feel right and made myself more comfortable (it had hurt). Then later on I jokingly said looking at a goofy picture of him made me wet.
He tried to touch me again and I held his hand away and said Don’t but he touched me anyway. Later I asked him to please not push back when I say not to touch me and to just refrain from touching me when I tell him not to and he said “I can touch you wherever I want whenever I want because we’re dating.” I said no you can’t and he got mad and a fight ensued.
So I told him to please tell me if he felt he wasn’t getting enough sexually from me. He said he didn’t understand why it was okay for me to kiss him but when he touched my lady region I said no.
I told him I shouldn’t have to explain consent to him. He said he didn’t understand why it’s usually okay but today it wasn’t.
I wasn’t mad that he tried I was upset because when I asked him not to he resisted me and that when I asked him not to resist me saying no, that he got mad.
Girls and Guys what is your opinion on this?
Updates:
+1 y
Just a clarification: We do have sex. When I said we are trying different things so it doesn’t hurt I meant we’ve been trying lube, then organic lube, then latex free condoms, then adding toys and making sure they’re latex free then doing more foreplay etc. At that time we were kissing, he went to touch me and I was fully clothed and I stopped him and asked him not to because it hurt. He got mad and said what he said.
1 4

Most Helpful Guys

  • This is a difficult one.
    On the one hand what he said is just wrong, he doesn't have the right to touch you whenever and wherever he wants just because you're dating, but in the reverse he's also right, why is you get the right to touch and kiss him whenever you want but not the other way around.

    On one hand he is being a dick in his behaviour and pushing further than you are comfortable with but if you're going to say looking at a picture of him made you wet then for him it was a green light. Not saying that it is but I don't know what goes on behind your closed doors so just responding to what you've written here.
    It seems that sexually he's happy with where you both are so that isn't the issue.
    I personally think that you need to speak to a professional about your past to fix the issues there, I also think he needs to do some growing up and learn to behave himself.
    I also think that you both need to learn about consent, he's right if you have the right to touch him whenever you want then either that's reciprocal or it isn't, if it isn't then you have to behave the way you expect him to behave which of course means no more touching or kissing when you feel like it without first getting his consent.
    Otherwise all you're doing is sending mixed signals that you get to do as you please but he had to behave to a higher standard and that's not right either.

  • It's a tough place to be because intimacy is important and having a relationship is all about being close and having fun with each other but you make two good points, 1. He's not cuddling, playfully tapping you on the butt or massaging your back he's touching your lady area, which is strange in and of itself unless he's trying to make a point... It's just plain weird. 2. You have suffered something painful in your past and he is not hearing that or bring respectful of that. Overall, I'd say this, I'd encourage you to come up with forms of intimacy that you can handle and encourage those and or use them as distractions to avoid the others. But also have a serious talk with him and ask him to say or remind him about your past experiences. I'd be curious to see how much he's chosen to take in. In fact, I'd ask him to say to you what you told him about what happened to you. See how much he has listened and if he is struggling, lay it on thick, bring yourself to cry if possible, make it stick for him, let him know it's serious and important for you

Most Helpful Girls

  • Nope! He is not your husband to have that right. He is somebody your fornicating with. This is why you do not have sex before marriage, and at that point he's not caring about you he just wants to use you sexually. You need to get out of this toxic relationship. Because you stay in it then the only one that has to deal with that is going to be you. And being sexually assaulted in your past is not going to matter because you're the one that's neglecting yourself. That's the top main reason why you wait until you are married, and you don't just marry anybody. Especially somebody like that. And even if you were married, sex is always consensual. Otherwise it is rape.

    It's rape. What he is doing is rape and molesting you. How many times have you got to tell him No! He only does it because you let him. You should have slapped his hand away you should have got away from him, you should get yourself out from that situation. Red flags!

    Get rid of his ass today! And if you refuse to do it, then you sit there, you stay there, let him do he do, and deal with it. Only you have the power to stop it. We can't help you if you refuse to do ANYTHING. Call somebody you know and the police to help you get out of your afriad. Get the Aspire app on your phone.

    • Trust me, you are not the only girl or woman he abuse sexually. You can end it by having him reported.

  • Throw the whole man away. He doesn't even care that sex hurts for you, because he wants sex so he doesn't even care about your well-being? Throw him out.

Scroll Down to Read Other Opinions

What's Your Opinion? Sign Up Now!

Related Questions

If you want a man to go down on you, how do you approach him? What do you do to let him know you want him to go down on you?
Why is forbidden sex the most intimate and sensual sex?
Why do enjoy giving or receiving facials?
Do you think a woman who approves of casual sex can love a man the same way a woman who saves herself for the right man?

What Girls & Guys Said

37 81

  • Major, major red flag. You give consent or you don't, that is up to YOU. That doesn't change if you're in a relationship or even if you're married. Saying things like "I can touch you wherever I want whenever I want because we’re dating" encourages the whole "you're my property, etc." mentality in relationships and it's wrong. He needs to respect your body and your choices with how far you're willing to go in terms of physical intimacy. He doesn't own your body.
    Don't ever let people do anything that you're uncomfortable with and don't feel obligated to even have to defend your "no." Sure, you can explain to him why, but an explanation isn't needed to make your "no" valid. I would dump him, but if you think he's better than this lapse of judgement, teach him and help him grow. I'm so sorry for your past history with sexual assault. I've been there, my mom's been there, it's tough. I wish you the best! Good luck!

  • Not sure how long you've been dating but sounds like he maybe or can become sexually frustrated since you and him do have sex, he hasn't been inappropriate or disrespectful towards you in a sexual manner.
    That being said he should respect your boundaries and not have said that to you even if he were joking because of your history.

  • So sorry to hear about your past traumatic experience. Sounds like you need more time to heal physically and emotionally. Might not be a good time for a sexual relationship, especially with a dominant prick like that.

  • “I can touch you wherever I want whenever I want because we’re dating.” Total. Effing. Bulls*it. Where's the law that says that?

    If you're dating then a certain amount of liberty can be ok, assuming you have talked/agreed about it beforehand. BUT even if that's the case, if he picks the wrong time/place or you're not in the mood or just don't want to, and for whatever reason you tell him no, that overrides any implied permission or liberty that he, as a member of a dating couple, may have.

    In other words: NO MEANS NO. He has no right AT ALL to anything from you and dating has nothing to do with that. Does he think he owns your body or something just because you let him be with you? If he doesn't like that, then tell him he can explain it to the police when you file an assault charge against his sorry ass. Get rid of this creep.

  • Yes, you have every right to be upset by that comment because that sounds extremely rape-y. Just because you're together it doesn't mean he has total access to all your body parts at all times. Ask him "so if you can touch me whenever you want wherever you want, does that mean I get to shove a dildo up your ass whenever I want too? Even when you're fast asleep? Because we're dating."
    Hopefully that would get the message across. You still have bodily autonomy, and as your boyfriend he should accept your boundaries and right to say no. And to be honest, after a gross comment like that, I would reconsider the relationship. He sounds extremely selfish and inconsiderate for even thinking that he has the right to touch you whenever he wants, and get mad at you for saying no. I wouldn't want to be with someone like that, personally.

  • Upset NO! Furious YES and tell this looser to get fucking lost! It is one of those nasty traits that just don't go away and beyond being disrespectful too you can and will turn ugly and dangerous down the road.

  • Dump him, regardless of your past, if you had not had any traumatic past he should respect you and stop if you say no.

  • n means n o relationships are a 2 way street he needs to respect that or not have sex with you at all.

  • It's still your body and you have the right not to be touched if you don't want to be.

  • go get some counseling for your shit from the past putting on your so and your future so's isn't good for you or them you need to get it resolved maybe see a hypnotherapist whatever give him a dictionary tell him to look up consent and cross-reference it and common law no longer stands in most ways nowadays and to lookup more current laws in reference o concent and that will help you in many ways other than sex because things that you don't even know about can imply consent like not looking your door gives implied consent and police can walk right into your home without a warren and its legal so research consent in all its functions and he isn't allowed to do sweet tweet to you its not 1910 and your noit married its 2020 buddy women got way more rights then men when it comes to being allowed to touch you or whatever so read up but do get some counseling and maybe a couples counselor may help thats mho on that your young and need to fix up your head to be free in your body

  • since your having sex with him then you get what you get what you get or he will beat you up or worse ! that is what you get for having sex outside of marriage ! Thanks

    • It's not the 1950s Sharon. Premarital sex doesn't devalue a person and nothing constitutes domestic violence.

  • This is completely normal to get angry over this. He obviously don't own you or your body because you're dating, it's absurd. If you even told him about your past sexual assault but he still shows this kind of behavior... I think you'd be better off leaving. Any decent man should know and understand better

  • He is in the wrong. He does not have a right to touch you whenever and wherever he wants without your permission. If he touches you and you ask him to stop but he continues that is sexual harrassment.

  • This is a tricky one because of ur trauma u have been through I understand where he is coming from and where u are coming from ,, I think he has to find the middle ground and take the high road ,,

  • Controlling type. Dump him.

    • He's not the one that's in control. She is simply because of something that happened to her in the past but because he won't put up with it, he's at fault?

    • He has the choice to say he needs more sexually and the choice to leave and find it elsewhere if he is unsatisfied. I’m not forcing him to stay and he shouldn’t force me to do what he wants.

    • But yet for some ungodly reason he's choosing to stay with you. If you don't like that he's treating you this way, why do YOU stay with him?

  • Uh, yeah you should ditch him!!!

  • I've been in this situation. You may feel like you're a bad person for not giving him what he wants but you're not. It's not your job as a girlfriend to give him access to your body. Regardless of whether you're dating, either of you touching either of you is a priviledge that requires ongoing consent. It's not your job to please him. When I was in this situation I felt like it was my job to please and so I would let him touch me and just try to get through it. Just be strong. You have the right to say no and if you're not feeling it then make sure you say NO.

  • You are well within your rights - You have to give consent for anything to happen - Once you say "No" then he should stop or seek clarification of how to proceed
    To be extreme , you could give him a handjob to orgasm and he is very senstive, you cannot keep passionately stroking because you feel like it unless he wants it too, you would be guilty of a sexual assault.

  • Tell him that means you can grab his balls and send them into his fucking eye sockets if you want to then.

  • He needs to fucking respect your body. Yeah I get it, he gets perks because he’s your boyfriend, but that does NOT make him your property though. What a foolish thing of him to say. I’d be mad too

  • Show More (98)

Latest Questions

How many times a week does a single man masturbate?
Men, do you enjoy b cup boobs sexually?
I feel that my nipples are too big should I get plastic surgery to downsize them?
Should women be allowed to be topless in public like men?
Home >  Sexual Relationships  > My boyfriend said “I can touch you wherever I want whenever I want because we’re dating.” Am I right to be upset?