Lose erection/erection quality during oral/handjob/sex? Insecurities take over and I literally don't know how to stop it?

[Buckzor]

So I had sex for the first time in MONTHS two nights ago with a girl i've been dating for pretty much the entirety of last week (saw her 5/7 days) - and that was good, it was decent sex and she enjoyed it but it made me insecure she didn't cum, and that I didn't really last very long. She is pretty honest and wouldn't lie if she didn't enjoy it so yeah.

Fast forward to last night, we go out for a nice dinner, get some ice cream, head back to hers and have a quick chat about the night then cuddle, kiss, and sex again.

But this time, I had a really hard time keeping my erection, literally as soon as I knew she wanted to have sex I got anxious, nervous and worried. Then she said "you can just do what you want, feel free to take control" which to me was more of her telling me TO DO IT rather than just telling me I can, which made me more nervous.

I kinda lost all confidence, the foreplay wasn't that great, I couldn't find the hole, kept falling out, couldn't get a good position for deep penetration or any rhythm because i'm not big enough, then I started to just lose my erection, she noticed, took the condom off and put some clothes on then like cuddles & supported me because she knew I was visibly upset.

How the fuck can I get better at this? I know i'm average in bed, I know I have fuck all experience, I know I don't have a big dick and that I simply don't know enough to satisfy her and i'm scared she won't want to date me anymore, because I really like her.

Help?

[Obtuse]

Try to take it slow, not "perform". You can explore her body, slowly, and I would recommend that you are the one who undresses her. It can help. You set the pace. And try to enjoy every moment and the whole ritual from undressing to the more physical aspects of the foreplay. You can take your time, work through and around clothing, not remove all at once.

It's not just throbbing dick pounding wet pussy. Every moment can be meaningful, exciting if you make it so and don't get far ahead of yourself.

If you're doing missionary I remember on my first time that I was worried about putting my weight on the girl. So I was actually wearing my arms out trying to do missionary in like plank/push-up position. :-D It helped when I learned to get comfortable, try things out a bit. I actually think missionary is one of the tougher positions starting out because it offers such a free range of motion. It helped in my case early on to do things like put pillows behind the girl to secure her body. Later I learned to move with her more, but I think missionary is actually a tougher position. You might try starting with something else.

[Obtuse]

It also helps to get some mastery over rolling the condom on if the girl doesn't do it for you. If you kind of fumble it, and you're prone to get nervous, that can add to the nerves.

[Buckzor]

Missionary for me is a weird position cause I have an upward curve so it's not very easy to get it in or keep it in depending on the size of the girl and how she's laying etc. We tried doggy and 10 seconds later she moved haah

[Obtuse]

Doggy was always one of my favorites besides lotus. Some girls don't like it due to lack of closeness and face-to-face though. Sometimes the spoon position can be nice. Still from behind but more intimate, and you start lying next to each other. It can be a little bit tricky perhaps at the very first time to find your way in there from the angle, but it's a position that is extremely relaxed and lets you control the pace. And while from the back, it seems more intimate in ways more girls might like. You can kiss her neck and shoulder, and so forth. It can help whatever you do to start slowly. You learn the rhythm and things that way, and it promotes a more relaxed state, easier to explore and experiment. Then when you start finding your rhythm you can accelerate and go harder -- but it helps a lot to not go full-on adrenaline and hard and fast until you find a mutual rhythm together.

[Buckzor]

Yeah i've found that getting our rhythm in sync has been hard, like when it gets near "max speed" is when it becomes a bit funny and we don't really match and a few issues arise.

[Obtuse]

As for accelerating your learning, I really think the biggest mistake young guys can make is to assume one girl works like every other... that the techniques learned can carry over perfectly to the next girl and the next. Each girl tends to be different -- sometimes radically, even different erogenous zones, different angles, and positions they respond to better, some need more stimulation than others, some need a different stroke or type of touch than others. The guy who is humble enough to communicate here, maybe even just outright ask, will have a huge edge over guys who rely on guesswork. If you can find moments to try to talk to her and ask her what pleases her most, that will give you a huge edge in my opinion. It can feel a little bit awkward and a bit of a mood breaker but it's like you don't have to do that every time -- only in the beginning as you're figuring each other out.

[danman27]

Focus on foreplay first. It still happens to me sometimes and I've been with my wife since I was 13.
If you're anything like me you sometimes rush foreplay cos you're anxious to get to the sex bit? Don't. Play with each other, give oral to each other and enjoy each other first. After a while you'll be very much in the mood and you'll struggle to go down. If she hasn't came by the time you're getting close, stop. Play for a few mins then carry on. I usually don't last too long either and found the best way is to give her an orgasm through oral first, then it makes her a bit more sensitive and she comes a lot quicker during sex.
Good luck dude 👍

[Buckzor]

I do, i've been told I do too much of it from previous experiences however, it's like I do it instead of sex because i'm nervous/worried already by that point. I'm anxious to HAVE the sex bit. But thanks dude.

[foxrider77]

I’d beat your meat before the date. Then add a plug to get you really horny. That should get your prostate stimulated so you can play ball. Now get back in their champ.

[Buckzor]

I hadn't masturbated for about a week before that first night of sex, and I still haven't actually. No thanks to the other things.

[foxrider77]

Okay, to help you not finish so fast, just pull out and ask to change positions. Then when about to go then pull out and repeat step 1.

[Buckzor]

I feel like that could get annoying for her, all the stop starting, especially if she gets close each time but never reaches an orgasm?

[foxrider77]

Plan B use your tongue

[reptocarl]

Watch porn?

[Buckzor]

I'm not going to stop having sex and watch porn... I don't really care for porn anymore anyway

[reptocarl]

So you did watch porn. That answered my question

[Buckzor]

Huh? I've watched porn before, yes, as every other guy has?

[oldguystillhasit]

At your age you should see a urologist. You may have a low grade prostate infection. Not enough to have fever and body aches, but, just enough to affect performance. This is what happened in my case. There are about 40 correctable things that can affect sexual performance that a doctor can find out and not have to use the little blue pill.

[Buckzor]

I doubt it's anything like that, I know it's linked to mental insecurity and negative thought processed. Just not sure exactly how to deal with it/break out of it.