He doesn’t turn me on sexually, what do I do?

[Anonymous]

So I’ve been dating this guy for a couple of months now. In the beginning, I did find him attractive and liked him and got sexually turned on by him. But he took things wayyy too fast with us when I told him I just wanted to casually date. The more we hung out, the more I got to know him and the less I became romantically and sexually interested. We got really close but for him he became even more interested in me and I’m the opposite. My interest has slowly declined and every time he would try to have sex with me I’m just not up for it. I’m sure he’s a little bummed lol but I can’t force myself to get with him like that. He’s still around though so it’s not stopping him but not only am I not sexually into him, I’m also not that romantically into him anymore. He’s becoming more of a best friend where he’s still looking at me as a potential girlfriend. I don't know if I should let him know this or wait a little more cause there are times where I am into him but not sexually. I miss feeling horny and he’s not doing that for me. I know I turn him on but when I reject him he’s probably feeling down or bummed. I know there’s ways out there to get turned on to make it work but I don’t know what. Or should I just leave and find someone who does turn me on?

[Finchie40]

Then you need to end it with him , stringing him along is not doing any good for the both of you , Sometimes we meet someone that is beautiful and amazing in the beginning but then after we really get to know them and see them all the time we start to realize we aren’t really compatible with that person, we don’t hate them we just lose that connection and realize that person isn’t what we expected them to be, so honestly you need to end it with him cuz you will never get those feelings for him , I know part of you doesn’t want to hurt his feelings but you aren’t doing him any good by stringing him along , break free from him and find someone that you are compatible with , my thing is you only know when you really like someone when you get the flip flop feelings and you both want each other the same and you miss each other when you are apart that’s how I know I am really into someone , when you feel like you have to force yourself to try to like someone then it’s a waste of time , so it’s be honest with him , he is going to be crushed but he will get over it and move on and hopefully he handles it like a man and just walks away , if not just block his ass and keep your distance from him. let me know how it turns out lol

[Finchie40]

Thanks for MHO

[Asker]

Yeah but it seems like everyone is telling me to leave him but what if I just wanna date? I don’t have to “leave” him since I was never with him officially. And isn’t that what dating is for? To get to know each other casually and not rush into things? So I still wanna date him because I do see a lot of potential and I do like him but I’m just not ready to settle at the moment plus these lack of feelings I’m discovering. I just need time

[Finchie40]

But the reality of it is you aren’t turned on by him anymore so you are stringing him along for your selfish needs , so you are best to be upfront with him and tell him how you are feeling cuz if you keep it to yourself all you are going to do is cause disaster , least this way it gives him the option on whether he wants to stick it out with you or move on, no matter what his decision is on him but at least you are being upfront an honest with him instead of giving him the expectations that he has a chance with you , cuz I got news for you if he finds out you had sex with another guy while his expectations of you 2 being together he is going to be really pissed off and hate your guts and blame you for stringing him along. If I was you I would be upfront and tell him hey I like you and like dating you but I also want to see other people , he is going to be hurt but at least you are being honest and it gives him the option on whether he still wants to date you or move on

[Finchie40]

I dated a girl once that I really liked I thought things were going great between us , She was upfront with me that she didn’t want to rush things but she liked having sex with me and going on dates with me , I was really into her and really growing feelings for her until she called me to tell me she was going on a date with another guy , I was hurt and jealous but I realized I really couldn’t be cuz she was honest with me , but it gave me the option of whether I still wanted to date her or move on from her, but by her being honest made me realize that she isn’t on the same page as me so I am going to still be single and date , so that night I ended up going out with another girl that liked me and that I liked back , even though the other girl was on my mind I kept telling myself that she choose not to be with just me, so I had fun with this other girl , a few hours into my date the other girl was calling me and I didn’t answer, I put my phone on silent cuz I was on a date and I thought why is this girl calling me on her date? So I went to the bathroom to call her back and said hey I will call you later I am out right now , she said I didn’t go on that date with that guy I was thinking of you to much and I couldn’t do it , I said well that’s very sweet but I’m sorry I am actually on a date right now that I wouldn’t of been on but I will explain it to you later and said talk to you soon , I thought to myself her loss and mistake an hour after I talked to her she kept blowing up my phone and texting me saying she doesn’t want me seeing anyone else that she wants me , I texted her back and said I will call her soon that I am dropping her off at home , after dropping her off I called her back , to find out she was already waiting for me in my driveway. When I got out of my car she ran towards my arms and passionately kissed me took her into the house and the rest was history , she became my wife for 15 years and now we are divorced , Girls are fucking crazy lol

[Lightning8]

Well, in the long run, communication is fundamental. You should be telling him these things, and have many discussions and check in's as to how to get things back on track, and what the progress looks like. I also highly recommend that you look into Esther Perel's work. She has a few books and many videos and talks that you can even find on youtube.

[Lightning8]

The key is that both you and him should be taking perhaps each step together, whether you are working towards building a long term relationship, or calling it quits. You should be making these decisions together, because either way that is going to either build a strong foundation of trust, or it will make things amicable. It's just all around good practice.

[Asker]

I’ve been watching her YouTube videos since you recommended her and she’s great. Thanks for the recommendation. But yeah communication is key and we both have been doing a good job with it. However with this topic, I feel like it’s really sensitive and I can’t just tell him you don’t turn me on sexually even though it’s true. I remember with my ex I was so affectionate all the time and loved it when he would get affectionate with me. I want that again and I’m not getting it from him and I feel bad for him cause I’m sure he’s getting sexually frustrated especially as a guy. I’m not giving him that pleasure and he prob thinks I’m boring sexually but that’s not the case. I just don’t get turned on by him

[Lightning8]

Thank you for checking out her work. I'm glad you like Esther's work, and also that you communicate well with your partner. I know this topic is awkward and very tough to do, but I've been on the other side of this situation where the woman lost attraction but didn't want to have the difficult conversations. At some point she started staking the whole relationship on relatively petty ultimatums. Eventually, she found a fitness trainer coworker/"best friend" to move into her place on the excuse that his visa to stay in the U. S. from Turkey ran out. She broke up with me through text message after three weeks of living with him while returning 1 call the first week and none of my 3-5 calls the following weeks, only texting me. That was my first ever experience of what it means to love a woman. Allegorically, the dragon only gets stronger and more terrible the longer it isn't defeated. The dragon, is our threatening, but perhaps currently surmountable problem here. I'm not saying that you would intentionally harm him, or do the same exact things, as my ex. But I would suggest that you confront this problem now, that you both talk and have the necessary conversations, and decide patiently on solutions together; because I think that alone can remedy things before perhaps you inevitably do something far worse to him, being eventually moved to take actions or draw conclusions without or disregarding his consent, i. e. waste his time and love. And it's important not only to be upfront, but also forthright about these decisions, and each step taken.

[Lightning8]

And I don't think these convos have to be all that hard. Jmo but I actually think that approaching him with the attitude that you can find "it" again, helps you actually find "it" again. And the more you practice that, the better you get at "it".

[Lightning8]

I hope that makes sense lol

[Asker]

Yeah s far I’ve been communicating with him because based off my last relationship, it’s super important since I didn’t have it then. Also my lack of feelings for him could end up with me basically ghosting him and that’s not what I want because my ex would ghost me all the time due to a lack of feelings. It was miserable... questioning why isn’t he texting me back? Why couldn’t he let me know he was feeling this way or busy with this or that? You know just lost. So I’m letting him know straight up about my feelings and he’s been finally respecting my boundaries of wanting space. However, The sexual part I still haven’t confronted him about but if he really thinks about it he can alone connect the dots and realize I’m not turned on by him but I think I’m gonna have to confront him about it. Also when we are doing it, he moans a lot it’s really annoying but he’s just so into me, too into me. He could also be just really horny since he hasn’t been w a girl in the longest. But anyways, you saying I could find it with him... I don't know maybe but most likely not. I wanna practice and improve and see where we can take this but of course I prefer it to be natural. I’m also just wanting to date at the moment so I don’t have to necessarily leave him since we’re not together. I told him about this too... he needs to be okay with space as in not talking or seeing each other every day. So if he’s not then he’s not okay with just dating.

[proteus912]

You need to end it and tell him honestly why. Its not fair on him and you keeping is going as someone mentioned is cruel

[Asker]

He just needs to tone it down and then maybe I’ll wanna get w him. Him throwing himself at me like that is a turn off

[Cassie094]

Maybe let him move on so you don’t waste each other’s time.

[Cassie094]

Thank You For MHO.

[Bee-Hatch]

Move on. If he's not doing it for you, he's not doing it for you.

[GreenPenguin]

Sounds like he's not your match. I suggest you break the news to him, and go on looking for someone that makes you want to be romantically involved, someone that turns you on without even trying.

A relationship with no spark is only gonna bring misery to both parties. I'm sure that neither of you would want that.

Nothing wrong with being best friends though.

[Asker]

Yeah I could leave him but I’m also dating so I don’t have to leave him completely. I can continue dating him and keep it steady, not rush into things

[MrNameless]

I think you should tell him right away. I don't think you will be sexually turned on by him again. I mean what else could he do? You have to communicate with him about this. Sex is important in a relationship nowadays. As well as romance

[lightbulb27]

something about him is setting your emotions in the wrong place. so figure out what that is.

those female hormones/feelings are triggered by masculine. so maybe he's projecting too much feminine, nice guy?

[Asker]

Yeah he’s like coming off too strong and almost seems like he’s trying too hard. He even acknowledged it the other day he was trying too hard so glad he sees it. But he keeps doing it. I wish he can just tone it down and I possibly will get sexually turned on once he holds back a little instead of throwing himself at me.

[lightbulb27]

He needs to learn seduction. he's too selfish

[ecfresh]

The adult answer is be honest and let him know it’s not going to work out. You think he’s a great guy but he deserves to find someone who connects with him romantically. You would rather break up now than disrespect him by leading him on. You know it might hurt in the short term, but you believe he’s a good guy and will surely find someone else.

[slatyb]

You end it. That's why we date before marrying. You just say "I'm sorry, I'm not feeling it anymore. Have a nice life."

[meye_naim]

The best thing you can do is talk to him. Maybe you will be able to rekindle the flame by discussing it.

[reptocarl]

Break up. You’re not sexually compatible and it won’t ever change

[Laozi]

Talk to him about it. And see if you can work something out. But if you don't then just leave him.

[winterfox10]

You need to just be honest with him. Tell him that you don't see him as a romantic partner anymore. Out of curiosity, what do you mean by him taking things too fast? What did he do?

[Asker]

Should I tell him how he doesn't turn me on sexually? because I don't want him to think I'm boring when it comes to sex because thats not the case at all. I love sex and being sexually attracted to someone is really important to me, it matters for me. So in this case, it's just him who doesn't turn me on. It's weird cause its not like he's a bad looking guy... but he does come off too strong and it gets annoying. But overall, he did take things too fast by talking about me to his friends and family and introducing to them. He started talking to me every day and expecting us to hang out almost every day. All he wanted to do was be with me and everything was just so much and I looked back and realized its only been a month! If I told him I wanted to get married, I think he would be open to the idea.

[Asker]

Right now, I have asked to give each other space and hopefully he respects it. Maybe this will make me gain those initial feelings for him again. I told him he needs to relax and tone it down.

[rab3072]

Letting this go on any further can become quite cruel. You have to nip it in the bud right now and come clean. His maturity level will decide if he can handle just friends or if he needs to distance himself. You also have to think on that as well though, because he might say he wants to be friends but then still be hoping or trying to change your mind.
Unfortunate situation.

[RHK36]

If you care about him enough as a friend then end it and tell him the truth. It happens, you can't force yourself to feel a way about a person. The longer you drag it out the worse it'll get.

[baerose]

Move to his dad

[monsterockstar]

First be with him for many time and spend time with him talk chat understand each other

[Stan_Control_]

It'll be a punch in the gut for him but i recommend you tell him the truth.

[bobbyirish]

Maybe he could take a interest in being romantic.
or your engine needs a little warm up time. bet I could make your motor hum.

[Syrian_survivor]

y'all fooked?

[Meatunnel69]

Ouch yea unrequited love is the worse feeling in the world especially for the one who still has the feels. But better sooner rather than later break it off before he invests too much into you.

[Asker]

I’m trying to give each other space and see if that works. Maybe I’ll start liking him again but if that doesn’t work then I’ll have to leave him

[Meatunnel69]

Yea trial separation is a good idea

[howlinsilently]

Just tell him that what you have us. I am surprised that you were happy to continue with casual arrangement. To get yourself all horny is his job, maybe take a whip to him and demand some entertaining

[COMMODOREII]

I'd find someone else that turns me on.