Guys, when should a girl you are going out with tell you she doesn't want to get too sexual too soon?

[Porcelaine]

Let's say I like a guy that I just started dating, I don't mind and enjoy kissing him, touching him, and I do plan on having sex with him eventually, but I simply enjoy getting to know him, and all the innocent and simple things that come before sex becomes part of our relationship. I hate when guys get too sexual too soon, it's quite rare to find a guy who also wants to hold off sex until later and isn't just doing it because the girls wants it that way. So how soon would you like for a girl to tell you she doesn't like getting physical early in the relationship? Or is this something that shouldn't even be discussed, since I believe decent respecful guys won't mind waiting and won't try to rush me, if they dont want to wait and expect it right away they are free to leave.

[roland77]

If she is never or very less into any sexual activities, then please let me know right from the start. It makes things much easier because my sex-drive is higher than average for my age. Simply because sexuality belongs into my relationships I form with women.

For me, as I understand women, they need an emotional "connection" (not the demi-way) to a male, means their emotions need to be answered with emotions from the male and not just the good XOR the bad ones, simply all. Then they want sex later on. It is okay with me, as I'm not purely for sex with her but sure it belongs naturally into such relationship (I'm heterosexual, high sex-drive).

Those who want sex to fast are maybe only after it or needy or both. And those can hurt women's emotions a lot, like it happened with an African lady I dated before my current girlfriend. She was used for sex only and he even didn't care for the child/birth-giving and would welcome abortion to continue have sex from her. She lost a lot trust in males then.

At this point, I can understand women, not wanting to have sex so soon. It is (also to me and maybe others, too) very intimate and very personal to do it. I'm not sticking my penis into a "glory hole" (still a female is behind the wall) or a sex-robot but I'm physically connected to a female.

[Porcelaine]

not the demi way?

[roland77]

How can I explain it else? Some demi-sexual humans find it important to have an emptional connection to someone. While this physical seen only exists by kissing, touching each other or making love to each other (touch again), while nature doesn't give us telepathy for making a brain-to-brain (mind-to-mind) connection and let us share the emotions (might be possible to transfer?) humans have in my opinion some attraction/appeal to each other because what we emotionally feel for someone else (like brother-love, sister-love and also romantical love with your love partner). I guess that is what demi-sexuals (the connection branch, not the hard-to-fall-in-love branch) call a "connection" here.

[Porcelaine]

I think you're overcomplicating things, but thanks for your opinion

[roland77]

Okay, maybe I do. Thanks for telling me. ;-)

[MrOracle]

I agree with @AustinMan but I would like to add that relationships are built on open and honest communication, and it's better if you set expectations early, but also show that progress is happening. Most guys who are looking for a relationship will be okay as long as there is some progression and as long as they understand what she is thinking.

Guys don't want to be used - for their time, attention, or money - anymore than girls want to be used for sex, so both are going to be a little uncertain at first, but some honest communication will go a long way to make both sides feel more comfortable and confident.

[Porcelaine]

oh yeah, of course. I would make sure to show him that things are moving forward, I don't want to waste my time either.

[roland77]

True! My girlfriend and I exchanged likes and dislikes and habits very early, even in sexuality and, boy, am I glad we are on the the same wave!

[SarahsSummer]

you should tell him at the moment when and if he is getting too sexual for your liking.

[roland77]

I asked her several times (not in a row) if it is okay to talk about sex (Salt'N'Pepper!) and she agreed. So it is wise to have an open and honest communication. Sex is very intimate and very personal, even some people ease about that fact.

[Shon81]

First of all don't feel self-conscious about bringing this up. Even if it's an awkward conversation, the uncomfort of the conversation will be magnitudes less than if it lead to something that made you actually uncomfortable.

My advice is to bring it up the next time things get intimate. Just casually ask if he's ok to take things slow until you feel ready. I think most guys are used to this kind of request. If he isn't, or pressures you just ditch him.

Most women need an emotional connection with their partner to be aroused. This may seem obvious but there was a long time that I did not understand this.

[AustinMan]

Below is a My Take that supports your position. What if you sit him down, away from all the making out, and just tell him that you need to see if the two of you can establish a strong emotional connection before sex goes on the table. Now this implies that you'll go through with it.

www.girlsaskguys.com/share-your-take?id=59202

[Dargil]

Didn't load. Paste the text.

[Porcelaine]

@Dargil yup the link is not showing your take

[AustinMan]

@Dargil I see questions all the time asking if she should text him, reach out to him, tell him she wants more. In a word, the general answer is no. The reason is a bit complicated but once you understand it, I hope you’ll see the wisdom in it. Relationships at any level, be it friends, friends with benefits, lovers, or a couple is based on each party having an emotional investment in the relationship. This leads to an axiom a friend told me in college that has served me very, very well: Your commitment to a relationship is proportional to your investment in it and NOT your profit from it. Think about that. I found this to be both true and profound. It summed up how a huge number of relationships go off the rails. One party gets significantly more invested and therefore more committed than the other and ends up ofttimes getting hurt.

[AustinMan]

So how do people emotionally invest in a relationship? With their time, energy, attention, and to a lesser degree money. When a woman meets a man she likes, she will often flirt and do other things to encourage him. That’s investment that’s largely one sided. She’s investing and he’s not, hence things are out of balance. To get them back in balance, he needs to invest. Men invest more than any other way through pursuit. Men also invest my doing things for her, be it helping her with something physically a bit beyond her comfort level, like moving a piece of furniture to helping her with her computer to asking her on a date. Yes, asking is an investment. There’s risk in asking early on that she’ll say no so when he asks, he’s investing. Simply put, make him work for it. Maybe the way the investments get out of balance is early sex. When a couple has sex too early in a relationship, very often she’s much more invested because physical intimacy is much more emotional for women than men. There are lots of exceptions for this but generally it’s true. He’s there for the good time and really enjoys the physical aspects but often times doesn’t invest emotionally. That’s why we see men pursue a woman just enough to get her in bed and then move on. She’s all invested and he’s virtually absent any investment.

[AustinMan]

Bottom line, take things a bit more slowly and deliberately. Gauge how much you’re invested versus how much they seem to be and if there’s a disparity, fix it before you move on. I see questions all the time about how long should we wait to have sex. I always reply that it’s not about time. It’s about emotional connection, aka investment. When the connection is strong enough, sex will be on the table but before, the risk of imbalance and failure is very high.

[Porcelaine]

ok thanks.

[Dargil]

Well thought out. Compiling it into one essay to graze on.

[razelove]

I'd say first date or beforehand. When I'm dating I take a shotgun approach and put time into talking to multiple women online. If we're not clicking on the first or second date, it's a waste of time and energy I could be expending elsewhere and other options have likely come up by then.

Not all guys take that approach, and I'm up front with women I'm talking to or dating that I am. You and I would be an awful match for instance, as you'd think of me as a horn-dog, and I'd think of you as a prude. Other guys who think differently would be your target there.

You might be better saying that beforehand, that it isn't 1st, 2nd, or 3rd date that you're sleeping with them, it's if and when you feel comfortable, and that will probably take a while. Or run the risk of dating a guy like me, hell, I showed up to one date, it felt off, she was going on about something, I was like yeah, yeah, yeah, fuck this, and just left. Felt too forced.

[Porcelaine]

yup, we definitely wouldn't match. but we have to go with our instincts

[Lliam]

I wouldn't go there unless he asks. If it reaches a point where he thinks it's time to consummate your relationship and you still don't feel ready, then have that conversation. Hopefully, though, you'll get to know him well enough to trust him and feel comfortable creating the ultimate bond.
It's nice that he is being respectful and isn't pressuring you but it would be a red flag if he isn't anxious to have sex. Hopefully you, yourself, will be anxious to have sex at some point.

[driver101]

I noticed your 66 I was just wondering is sex really the ultimate bond? Like you mentioned.

[Lliam]

@driver101, I've been married now for 23 years so the ultimate bond between my wife and I is no longer sex. We've been through a lot together and our love is deeper than sex. But sex is still important. With all my girlfriends, from the time I was 16, though, sex was my main motivator. I wouldn't have dated any of them for long if they weren't sexual. I mean, I had lots friends and aquaintences, but the idea of dating a woman just for her personality doesn't make sense. I wouldn't NOT want to be friends with her if we weren't having sex, but I wouldn't go on dates or do things exclusively with her. I'd be looking for an actual girlfriend. Let me get back to your question. When I said "ultimate bond", I only meant that sex is as far as you can go with someone. It's like the end goal for both parties. It's giving yourself completely. I didn't mean to imply that it was a guarantee of life until death do you part or "then they lived happily ever after". But you don't have much of a relationship unless it includes sex. And why would anyone even want a relationship without the best sex they could imagine? Why not experience physical bliss, yourself, and provide it to your partner? It's the best thing in life. And if it's good, it does create an incredibly powerful bond.

[Lliam]

For clarity, I should have said, I had lots friends and acquaintances *that I could hang out and do things with, but...*

[roland77]

Shared values I guess keep you together?

[Lliam]

That's true, roland77. Plus, she is the best friend I've ever had and we trust each other completely. But when we were dating, I wouldn't have stuck with her without sex. Lack of sex means lack of trust.

[roland77]

Very true! Sex is all about trust and intimacy, sad to see some ("friends with benefits", ONS, hookups=sex-only datings) seem to forget that fact.

[Porcelaine]

Yes, I agree that this is the best approach.

[Lliam]

@Porcelaine, I wholeheartedly agree with your desire to get to know each other well and form a bond before having sex, as opposed to having sex right away with every guy you date. But don't wait too long. The thing is, sex will not guarantee that a relationship will last, but withholding sex will guarantee that it won't last. When you do have sex, do it because you want to, not just to make him happy. In other words, do it because you are horny for him and want to be pleasured from head to toe. Two people seeking to pleasure themselves as well as each other at the same time is what it's all about. Your guy will be in heaven if he knows that he is doing it right.

[Porcelaine]

yes, I agree with all of this, me withholding it is not an attempt to make the relationship last and I wouldn't have sex just to please someone, I need to want it too

[Lliam]

That's the spirit! :-)

[pajamasam]

I would be upfront with that. As soon as possible really. I understand that the first date you may not be sure that your gonna stick with him yet, but as soon as you can make it know that you want to take your time before you have sex, give him a reason why too, tell him you want to know him personally before sex, or that you like letting the tension build. But if your up front about it it will save you and him time, because if he's just looking to get laid he can get lost and leave you be.

[Porcelaine]

Agree with this

[nonratracereality]

Usually you start off as acquaintances and then progressing to friendship. When desire strikes you analyze and see if you are on the same page. There is no time schedule and you go as it goes. If you're feeling hot or attracted stimulated etc then the more patient you are the better the result regardless if it's the response you wanted or not. But at least you went accordingly no force no embarrassment no shame. Be right and it should work fine for everyone.

[Porcelaine]

I agree with this, that's the ideal situation, you meet someone, get to know them, become friends and then move forward

[lightbulb27]

I've had girls do that and it's when the time is right, around 2nd date or so when we are in a safe space.

[ArrowheadSW]

If he makes some sort of move in that direction, then it is time to tell him. Earlier than that if you feel it is the right thing to do.

[Chaipa]

I can wait yes, if the girl don't want it, then i feel it pointless to have sex.
But it would be a frustration.
I may have to help myself as a substitute, i am not sure it is so healthy.
If i wait for ages, i may give up on that girl, too cold won't suit to me.

[markscott]

The guy needs to know fairly early on, though not right away. He needs to understand the parameters of a relationship with you, and to be fair to him, he needs to know soon.

[normalice]

Tricky. If you are too upfront about it, it may negate all thoughts men might have of their own sex appeal - or some may take it as an invitation to a challenge. But if you are too late they might think they weren't being taken seriously from the start and, having not been able to tell the difference, stop trusting you.

I'd say just don't mention it. If sex isn't a priority for you then you'll want a guy who also doesn't make it a priority. Otherwise one of you will certainly end up cheating on the other.

[Porcelaine]

that's a lot of jumping to conclusions. sex is important to me I just don't want to rush and do it with someone I barely know

[normalice]

... I'm saying whatever priority you place on sex, it's less than the priority you place on whatever your reasons are for not having sex. That's not really "jumping" to conclusions, just arriving at them normally. See, for guys sex tends to be the top priority. But each person feels ambition differently. So, you'll want to be sure that he wants it as much as you do, or one of you is going to be disappointed.

[Porcelaine]

Top priority? So those type of guys aren't into relationships. Sex is important to me, it would be a part of the relationship after I feel something towards him, it's not a priority for me right from the start because sex messes with peoples heads, if the chemistry is good in bed people tend to think they like that person more than they actually do, and then it takes months for that to fizzle out and actually show true colors

[normalice]

That's the trouble. Those types of guys are into relationships, if they think it will get the, laid. And if you basically set a date after which you'll start accepting requests for sex, they'll know they only have to wait it out.

[ecfresh]

If you are spending time as you should on the first few dates in public then it doesn’t need to be verbalized. However once it’s clear you are connecting and there is some sexual tension you will likely plan or end up making out in a private space. Whether that’s a date cooking dinner at his house or finding a semi private hammock on a beach; that’s when it is appropriate for both people to clearly that with words their sexual/physical barriers. One night I was making out on my couch with someone and she clearly said ‘ I am comfortable keeping everything above the waist tonight’. I agreed and it was great because I didn’t have to worry about breaking her comfort zone.

Any concerns with using your words when you can tell the possibility of private sexual activity is around the corner?

[Dongtai]

Asap and be very clear. Don’t tell a guy you don’t want to rush Into sex when you really mean you’re

1. Asexual
2. Sex isn’t important to you
3. You dont like or want sex

For me, I would want to know what her stance is on sex and what it means to her in a relationship. Does she have sex to connect emotionally/physically? Or does she have sex because ‘that’s what people do in relationships’.

Be on the same page with that topic. If I was dating a girl who loved sex but wanted to wait, I’d respect it and wait. If she used sex as a tool to “keep” me or did it because she felt obligated, I wouldn’t want to be with her.

Tell him what sex means to you and learn what it means to him. Sex is a very important part of relationships and people take it way too lightly.

[Porcelaine]

I enjoy sex and it's important to me, I am none of those reasons you listed, I simply don't want to get used for sex only and if a guy sticks around it means he likes me and spending time with me in other ways than sex so he is someone I could be in a relationship in

[Dongtai]

You should be open and clear about that versus testing him. Just my personal experience. Tell him that you a guy that wants something more with you besides sex. That’s when you’ll find out where his head at. Guys either like you or they don’t. The trick is, if you’re with a guy who has a good head in his shoulders and you don’t have sex without telling him specifically “Hey. I don’t want to have sex early because I’m afraid of being used. I want something real.” The good men will get the idea that you don’t like “him” or you aren’t attracted to “him”. He’ll respectfully move on without begging or trying to pressure you. If all you say is “let’s wait” you’re leaving too much room for imagination. Remember this guy is human like you. He had fears, insecurities and needs too. This is me. If I’m really into a girl but she repeatedly sexually rejects me, it makes me feel unwanted and indesirable (to her). Sex is how I connect. If I can’t give a girl my body, I don’t feel like I’m “hers”. It doesn’t feel real. I’m sure I’m not the only guy who feels this way. If the guy is just trying to have sex with you, you’re just another number. He can either wait it out while getting with other women or give up and find someone else. Communicate your wants and needs. Be honest with yourself and the guy you date. Don’t test. Be open. Yes. He may not be into you and move on if you say “I want a guy who wants more than sex. I want something serious.” But that saves you both time and heartbreak.

[Kriskringle69]

It's always better when it's on a mental level It's more sensual and passionate when there's actual real love feeling the tingling feeling from head to toe. Slowly working from lips down her phora play foreplay is the best instead of just rushing. It makes you feel more loved and more enjoyable. Then enjoy all the other things in life as well.

[Porcelaine]

" “Hey. I don’t want to have sex early because I’m afraid of being used. I want something real.” The good men will get the idea that you don’t like “him” or you aren’t attracted to “him”. He’ll respectfully move on without begging or trying to pressure you. '' First of all I would never say it like that. I'd just tell him I want to get to know him more. And I'm not testing anyone, it's all about making a connection mentally before we do physically, cause sometimes if the sex is good people get confused if they really like the person or if they're just infatuated. And no, if I tell it like that the good men will understand that I just don't want to rush into sex, I still want sex with them just not immediately, if I still date the guy they know I am attracted to them, it's not a friendzone if I kiss them and have some kind of physical contact. ''If the guy is just trying to have sex with you, you’re just another number. He can either wait it out while getting with other women or give up and find someone else.'' wait it out? with other women the whole time? I would see through that quickly, and that's why waiting is good, repels guys like this away from me. The way you describe this conversation, yes, a lot of guys would get scared away, but I would make it clear to them that sex and intimacy is very important and enjoyable to me, I just never do it right away. So they would know I am attracted to him, but if they wanna run and don't have patience, good riddins.

[Dongtai]

I’m speaking from experience. I’ve had girls throw fits when I decided to move on when things didn’t progress past friendship. For me, if there’s no intimacy, it feels like a formal relationship. I dated a girl who flat out told me she didn’t like kissing. I had to move on because intimacy is a need for me. She went psycho. Girls connect emotionally then physically and for a lot of guys it’s the opposite. I think there’s a lot of misunderstanding between both sexes and that’s why I think being direct and honest is the best way to make things work. You can’t assume how an individual will interpret you being direct but being indirect is a sure way to confuse someone. It’s just my personal experience. You don’t have to take my advice. But I will say the best relationships I’ve been in were ones where the two of us were direct and had solid communication. If you tell me, I want to wait until we’re connected mentally, isn’t that subjective? I could feel a strong mental connection to you while you might not while on the other hand, you literally wrote about not wanting to be used. I can feel deeply in love with a girl and want to make love but if she doesn’t express it in a way I can receive it (making love) then I’ll feel emotionally/sexually rejected. That would discourage me from letting myself fall deeper for her. Keep in mind everyone isn’t compatible. I’m probably not compatible with a girl who has to wait a really long time before she gets sexual. You might not be compatible with a guy who can’t go a long time without sex. You can’t find these things out without being honest and direct. I’m not saying just jump into bed with a guy. Just tell him you don’t want to be used and you want a guy that wants YOU not just the physical. There are guys out here who want both physical and mental chemistry. People just aren’t direct because they’re afraid of rejection. Being direct is the fastest way to find “the one”. Everything else slows the process down.

[Dongtai]

In no way am I saying just jump into bed with him. What I’m saying is understand your relationship needs and communicate it to him while at the same time learning what his are. I’ve seen a lot of girls hold sex like it’s an ancient key. If a guy likes you he will stay no matter what, granted, you’re able to meet his needs. Sex is a need for some people. You could miss out on a great guy out of fear of being used. That’s why I say just tell him what you wrote here.

[Porcelaine]

There is a difference between friendship and a relationship. While you are waiting for sex you can still kiss them, hold them, have intimacy not as intense as sex but it's still there. And I never said it takes a very long time to get sexual, I just said I want to feel like I know him and have some kind of connection, this does not have to take months. And I don't believe men, or anyone need sex in order to feel the connection. This is what I mean when people get confused by sex and stop thinking straight, they become overwhelmed with lust and don't think straight anymore, emotional and mental bond does not require sex first no matter if you're male or female, men are just less likely to agree cause they always crave sex.

[Dongtai]

There’s a difference between lust and love. You’re correct. You can get confused and attached for the wrong reasons. But look up leading causes of divorces and you’ll see lack of intimacy in there. It’s more important than most people realize.

[Kriskringle69]

Or lack or money too lol...

[Porcelaine]

You are talking as if I would never have sex with the guy. The idea is not have it immediately. Sex is important to the relationship and I would have it when I feel close to the guy. Why are you mentioning those married couples? If a girl has sex with you soon after you start dating does not mean sex life will be good years in advance. If a girl waits to have sex it does not mean it's not important to her, quite the opposite, it's important but she just wants to do it with the right person

[Porcelaine]

@Kriskringle69 reported for a profile photo. wtf man

[Kriskringle69]

Lol just a teaser

[Porcelaine]

@Kriskringle69 there's kids on here you will be blocked if you dont remove that shit

[Kriskringle69]

Just did.. u the one talkin sexy lol

[Dongtai]

I’m loving this discussion and like your perspective. I mention the married couples to put emphasis on how important sex is in terms of bonding. If people who’ve been together for years split over it, it’s not hard to see why it could do the same for a new relationship. It’s just not looked at the same because of the tone factor but it’s the same concept. My point isn’t “have sex” whenever. My point is communicating what sex means to you and why you wait to your partner, so they understand and wait for the right reasons opposed to hoping one day you change your mind or giving up because he feels you don’t like him the way he likes you. Again this is my personal experience. Everything is easier when everyone is direct and honest. I learned it during my third serious relationship. Communication is really important. Not just with sex but in general. When the communication is solid you learn how to love eachother the best way you both are able to perceive love. It’s different for everyone. I was just saying it’s better to just talk about sex and understand what it means to one another because even by telling him that, he will be able to understand “you” better and connect with you in the way that’s best for you and vice versa.

[Dongtai]

@Kriskrigle69 find a better hobby buddy.

[Porcelaine]

Ok I get your point now. I agree, communication is everything.

[R4vedave]

Second or third date

[boggboss]

I would say within the first few dates would be best with things like this it's best that everyone is on the right page with communication

[Dargil]

During the later negotiating stage before too much time and treasure are expended.
"too soon" should be clarified to my satisfaction.

[Dargil]

I voted B.

[Shubhamgupta]

It's should be girl's choice on the first place wheather to have sex or not

[roland77]

Consent includes BOTH/ALL sides (ALL=threesome).

[MannySimms]

Never. You're 28? Stop using sex as a reward.

[Porcelaine]

who says it's a reward, I simply want to get to know the guy and build a connection before I just hand myself to him

[MannySimms]

Why is that a prerequisite to having fun together?

[Porcelaine]

sex is more than just fun, I can't do it with any guy that comes around, I eed to get to know him first

[MannySimms]

Gotcha, and that's a good idea. Safety first, right? But not to the point where you rule out an ideal partner. It's up to you to choose wisely. You deserve a good guy and you both deserve a good time.

[Zweihander]

I used to care a lot but eventually I realized that girls are always going to want to wait longer than I'm wanting to wait so it doesn't matter. I already know what's coming so just say it when you feel like.

[4mazing]

You should make it clear immediately, and if you use dating apps, it should be in your profile that you want to take it slow and aren't looking for hookups, etc.

[roland77]

Yes, I had it with #Okcupid that I routinely exclude women with: a) fake "straight women" (actually being a trans woman), b) Anything else than LTR as I'm in it exclusively when it comes to women, c) being a feminist (3.0), d) smoking/drugging/clubbing e) lower sex-drive than me. And maybe some more I cannot remember.