Is it unfair of me to ask my new boyfriend for a visual copy of his STI results?

Question

I had the sti talk with my boyfriend a couple of weeks ago and after he admitted to having caught one a while back (and treating it with antibiotics), I asked him to get tested. He said he went to the sti clinic last week and because he didn't get a call back, he should be clean. I asked for a copy of his test results because I don't trust his words yet since I've only known him for a month. He seemed upset when I asked and has yet to show them to me. Is it unfair of me to ask for a copy of his test results?

Answer 1

DWornock | 415 opinions shared on Sexuality topic.

Explorer

Kudos to him for admitting that he had a sti. However, if he goes to a doctor, do you think a doctor is just going to take his word and not see the actual results? If he enrolls in college will a college accept his word and not see the actual high school transcript? In fact, they will demand that it be sent to them directly from the high school. They will not accept a paper copy form him. Do you think an NBA team will accept a potential player's word about a medical condition?

Is not your relationship with him more important to you than the importance of his relationship is to his doctor, college, or employer? Therefore, if they will not take his word, why should you when the relationship is more important to you than his relationship is to any for them?

If he is sti free, what has he got to hide? It appears to me that he doesn't place near as much value in a relationship with you as you do in a relationship with him. Why are you chasing after a guy that doesn't value a relationship with you?

Answer 2

Craftsman | 61 opinions shared on Sexuality topic.

Xper 7

Doesn't matter if it is 'fair' or not. In my opinion, it is not 'fair'. It is vital!
Actually, I've been in a similar situation many years back. Both of us knew after a while that we had some choices in the matter. Either we share the results, or we part ways. Simple as that. If she wanted to keep the results from me, she would also stay away from me. And the reverse was also true, since we both were tested.
Bottom line is, he has a choice. Either he shares the results, or he doesn't and stops sharing In your life. You are the only "you" in existence and that makes you and your health the most important consideration for you.
Fair or not, it's your life and your health that might be on the line.
If I've misread the question, then take this answer, wad it up, and toss it over the appropriate shoulder with the requisite amount of salt.

Answer 3

Anonymous

You have the absolute RIGHT to care about your health and your body. This isn't just about him when it comes to the two of you having sex. I'm incredibly proud of you for asking him to not only get tested but for asking to see the results. Given his past history, and his skittishness around showing you results is kind of worrisome. I mean most people I'd think are happy to prove they are clean. I'd be like, do you want copies in triplicate or....lol. Maybe bring it up and say, clearly I have a desire to have sex with you because I'd like to know your results, but I need to make sure that we can have sex in a healthy safe way and you showing me your results will do that for me. Also present your own results if you have them (if not, get them)---aka, I'll show you mine, if you show me yours that way there is absolutely no reason for him to say it's an unfair ask.

Answer 4

sejla | 1.2K opinions shared on Sexuality topic.

Guru

I had my ex husband go in for a std test back in the mid 1990s before we stopped using condoms. We both went into the health department together and had labs done together. I only had one partner before him but I was a bit stupid about protection and he had more partners than me and had never been tested.

No he should give you the lab results. Doesn't guarantee it is kosher but at least you tried. I met one woman my age who, after she had to divorce her husband, her new boyfriend got labs done. He did a three way call when he was on the phone getting the test results so she could hear them too.

Young people if your partner gets mad about std testing don't cave. Viruses and bacteria don't care who it hits. And old people for gods sake use condoms and ask for lab tests. My age group constitutes 27% of all new HIV cases annually.

Answer 5

Cynicaldreamer | 1.3K opinions shared on Sexuality topic.

Influencer

It's more than fair! If he's clean, he shouldn't have anything to hide, right? I bet he'd ask to see your results if you got tested... you deserve the same rights.

Now if he's refusing to show you his results, tell him you're not comfortable sleeping with him until you see them.

crazy8000

1 y
That can be a problem since many clinics work that way that you only get a call within a certain time if you are positive and get help with getting time for treatment. In some countries is it only free tests that works that way. to get paper you need to do it through your doctor.

Answer 6

crazy8000

That can be a problem since many clinics work that way that you only get a call within a certain time if you are positive and get help with getting time for treatment. In some countries is it only free tests that works that way. to get paper you need to do it through your doctor.

Answer 7

ArrowheadSW | 2.8K opinions shared on Sexuality topic.

Guru

This is something that is relatively new to the dating scene actually and I've never had a girlfriend ask this. If she DID ask for it I would comply as it is kind of the "sign of the times" and I respect a woman's concern. Also, if I happened to actually *have* anything, I would want to know anyway. Plus I would want to know if the new girlfriend is OK also. ALL of the sex that I've had in the last ten plus years has been with a condom and it would be unlikely I'd have anything, but in today's world I wouldn't expect a woman just to go by that if she wasn't comfortable.

Answer 8

Purpleronnie | 381 opinions shared on Sexuality topic.

Xper 7

Well unfair or not , at one stage or another there is going to have to be some trust. Do you think perhaps you just have an issue trusting him , where is your last sti results? Has he got a physical and electronic copy? , maybe your should both get yourselves tested every month because either of you could cheat with another and catch an sti ? Maybe you want someone to examine the copies I mean they could be fake? , where does it end? If he was truthful enough to tell you he had caught an sti and had a course of antibiotics to get rid of it surely that makes him more trustworthy because of his honesty. And all of this for a guy you have only known a month !!! , the whole thing is just upside down

CallMeDave

1 y
You make a good point that most others didn't. This is a tricky situation. Obviously it's important to know whether he's clean and so asking about that seems reasonable to me, but not believing what he says and demanding to see the report shows a lack of trust that seems like a bad sign for the relationship. With this type of conflict this early, I don't think the odds of this relationship lasting are very good.
Purpleronnie

1 y
Yes and your right to say that her wanting to know is right and to be expected. I think it’s right that people be mindful of they’re partners sexual history and I realise the importance of being able to know it’s the truth but it seemed very much like the need for sexual intimacy was being put in front of everything and well if that’s the case just use a condom and restrict fun to only what’s protected and that to me is upside down. Sure I realise that sex can just be that but the language inferred was boyfriend and relationship. The whole trust thing and knowing a person enough to want to be intimate seems completely lost and that’s not right when your talking about how a relationship “should” begin. Without trust yeah I agree , there is no point even trying and setting a standard as big as this so early on in the relationship well it casts a very large shadow , trust is foundational

Answer 9

CallMeDave

You make a good point that most others didn't. This is a tricky situation. Obviously it's important to know whether he's clean and so asking about that seems reasonable to me, but not believing what he says and demanding to see the report shows a lack of trust that seems like a bad sign for the relationship. With this type of conflict this early, I don't think the odds of this relationship lasting are very good.

Answer 10

Purpleronnie

Yes and your right to say that her wanting to know is right and to be expected. I think it’s right that people be mindful of they’re partners sexual history and I realise the importance of being able to know it’s the truth but it seemed very much like the need for sexual intimacy was being put in front of everything and well if that’s the case just use a condom and restrict fun to only what’s protected and that to me is upside down. Sure I realise that sex can just be that but the language inferred was boyfriend and relationship. The whole trust thing and knowing a person enough to want to be intimate seems completely lost and that’s not right when your talking about how a relationship “should” begin. Without trust yeah I agree , there is no point even trying and setting a standard as big as this so early on in the relationship well it casts a very large shadow , trust is foundational

Answer 11

Sensmind | 428 opinions shared on Sexuality topic.

Yoda

Seems totally fair to me, his logic is bogus , most STI clinics apart from fear of infection , their main job is providing proof that the person is clean. You don't apply for a bank loan and go "Trust me it is all on the paperwork at home", you have to hopes of being accepted , Bob and No.

Answer 12

summiter | 10.1K opinions shared on Sexuality topic.

Guru

Not at all.. if you want to have sex with each other then it is one less thing to worry about. Have you two had sex yet? Assuming you are on birth control tell him no sex with out a condom until you see the results. He will get tired of masturbating and will show you the results. Until then no sex with out a condom.

Answer 13

thomual | 58 opinions shared on Sexuality topic.

Xper 5

Listen carefully. Any guy who tells you he is clean, but is not a virgin, IS A LIAR!!! there are diseases that do not have a detectable test to discover. Things that will disfigure you or give you cancer. there's no Male test for the 36+ varieties of the papilloma virus.

Only a guy who admits having sex unprotected is a risk, because they have a past, is being honest. Seeing his STI results will not fix that problem.

Answer 14

Agape93 | 4.5K opinions shared on Sexuality topic.

Master

No it’s perfectly reasonable. You’re putting your life and health on the line, the very least he can do is show you the test results. The fact that he’s refusing tells me one of two things. 1. He tested positive and is trying to hide that from you. 2. He’s being lazy and putting you at risk as a result.

Answer 15

Revenge17

Xper 1

It’s not wrong to ask him for that especially if you know he has a past with them. Your just being safe, it’s no different than asking him to use a condom, or asking you to be on birth control. Your preventing something you don’t want. If he’s refusing to show that to you that’s a red flag. It’s also common for new couples to get tested and to show each other they don’t have anything.

Answer 16

crazy8000 | 512 opinions shared on Sexuality topic.

Yoda

The funny thing is that many STD/STI test clinics works that way. you only get notified if something is positive. here I live is it within 2 weeks.

If you want on paper you need to go to your doctor to get it on paper how it is but that way cost instead of the other way that is free.
Also you should do it too at the same time otherwise are you a hippocrit.

Answer 17

winterfox10

Master

It's just not a very good and trusting way to start the relationship. I get where you are coming from, but you're saying flat out that you don't trust him, and that really begs the question of why you are talking about having sex with him in the first place. If you feel strongly enough about not trusting him to communicate that you don't; it also begs the question of what you are hiding from him. He shouldn't just assume that he's clear without actually hearing from the clinic though.

CallMeDave

1 y
I agree. It's obviously important to know whether he's clean, but the fact that she doesn't trust him seems to me to be a bad sign for the future of the relationship. There might be good reason not to trust him, but whether there is or isn't trust is really important in a good relationship and if it's not there that's probably a big problem.

Answer 18

CallMeDave

I agree. It's obviously important to know whether he's clean, but the fact that she doesn't trust him seems to me to be a bad sign for the future of the relationship. There might be good reason not to trust him, but whether there is or isn't trust is really important in a good relationship and if it's not there that's probably a big problem.

Answer 19

smalls95 | 89 opinions shared on Sexuality topic.

Xper 5

Here’s the thing, if that’s what you need to feel comfortable with being intimate with him, he needs to show you if he wants to move forward. Even if he thinks it’s an extreme request, you shouldn’t compromise your own safety or comfort.

Answer 20

R_Cakes91

Yoda

It’s not unfair at all. People lie all the time about STIs and it is 100% valid to want to see that evidence in front of you. Just ask him to go to the clinic and have them print out his results. It’s not that hard.

Answer 21

aWes0MeNeSs | 345 opinions shared on Sexuality topic.

Guru

No, it's your health that's at stake. Just the fact that he's upset by you wanting to see the results is a decent indicator that he may not be being truthful with you.

Answer 22

JohnAlaska43 | 624 opinions shared on Sexuality topic.

Explorer

no its not unfair. If he doesn't have anything to hide he show them.
Also you need to be careful with anyone you potentially going to sleep with. People can't be trusted with just words.

Answer 23

RHK36 | 620 opinions shared on Sexuality topic.

Explorer

Nope it's completely fair. If he's sad about it, oh well then maybe don't catch shit in the first place. He needs to see it from your pov and shouldn't feel insulted by it. You're right in not putting your trust in someone you barely know.

Answer 24

vivmatt

Xper 6

A month is too short to "trust" anybody. Pregnancy and STIs are not joking matters. They're life changers

Answer 25

itsallaroundtheworld

Xper 3

It's absolutely fair. Safety comes first, and if he has nothing to hide he should be able to show you the results.
Don't you think you are rushing to get intimate when you have only known him for a month? Adding here the fact that you don't trust him?

Answer 26

jatyia12

Xper 3

Hell no it’s good u asking him for it urself because he could have HIV or any other STD and u need to know he mad cuz he don’t wanna show u I don't know what the big secret is

Answer 27

tHISpLACEiSbONKERZ | 617 opinions shared on Sexuality topic.

Xper 7

Most STI test results come back from the lab within seven to ten days. He 100% is infested with something. Good luck, not only he is a liar he doesn't care about your health. You sure know how to pick 'em gurl ;)

ps: run for your life

tHISpLACEiSbONKERZ

1 y
Also if I was you I wouldn't even wait for him to photoshop fake results. Just tell him to GTFO.

Answer 28

tHISpLACEiSbONKERZ

Also if I was you I wouldn't even wait for him to photoshop fake results. Just tell him to GTFO.

Answer 29

ZackBan | 926 opinions shared on Sexuality topic.

Yoda

It depends. Do you value your health? If so then it's more than fair to ask

Answer 30

Browneye57 | 7.8K opinions shared on Sexuality topic.

Master

Not if you want unprotected sex. Period.
And some better form of birth control, like a IUD, pill, etc.

Answer 31

505error

Xper 7

I don’t think it’s unfair. I mean, it does show him that you don’t trust him which can make him upset, but what can you expect after 1 month of dating?

Answer 32

COMMODOREII | 14.4K opinions shared on Sexuality topic.

Master

Nope its not unfair. Its not true just because he didn't call back doesn't mean he doesn't have an sti. He needs to call them.

Answer 33

jennifer_bloom | 1.4K opinions shared on Sexuality topic.

Master

If he refuses to show - he probably does have something to hide - also its only been a month - definitely don't trust him

Answer 34

ultimatecatfish | 102 opinions shared on Sexuality topic.

Xper 4

Hells no. No compromises when it comes to sexual health. Dump his ass or no sex till you see results

Answer 35

Anonymous

No, that is completely reasonable. You don’t want to catch anything, so he shouldn’t have a problem showing you the results. I always insist on that myself.

Answer 36

dreamstar72 | 921 opinions shared on Sexuality topic.

Yoda

I believe if the test is wanted by one or two then both parties should have the test done at the same time and same place and the results read at the same time

Answer 37

Izumiblu

Master

You present him with your results visually and ask to see his.

Answer 38

openminded60

Xper 2

No it's not unfair. It's different. If he took the test yes see the results

Answer 39

standardguy | 260 opinions shared on Sexuality topic.

Xper 6

No. You are right with having clear answer. Only then you can really enjoy sex with him.

Answer 40

DonCachondo | 302 opinions shared on Sexuality topic.

Xper 6

Sounds fair to me! #YOLO (and I mean that in the "better safe than sorry" way)

Answer 41

Pete671 | 1.6K opinions shared on Sexuality topic.

Yoda

erm, you say you don't trust him so why bother with him at all?,,,

Answer 42

Shamalien | 2K opinions shared on Sexuality topic.

Yoda

not unfair but y'all shud try waitin a little longer

Answer 43

JamesRandiDebates | 1.2K opinions shared on Sexuality topic.

Yoda

How would you know that any results he shows you are actually his?

Answer 44

wesleyjr

Xper 1

If he has a problem with you asking for a copy, he probably has one.

Answer 45

theCobbler | 431 opinions shared on Sexuality topic.

Xper 6

Not at all, and if he doesn't , youd better be walking...
Its Your, YOUR , Health. Maybe LIFE, at Risk here!
and he's already got one and treating with antibiotics... ummmhmmmm!

Answer 46

jspl90 | 173 opinions shared on Sexuality topic.

Xper 6

No its not unfair just say if you show me yours il show you mine😆😂

Answer 47

EasyBreezer

Xper 1

No, if he truly cares about you then he will show you a copy

Answer 48

mavix

Xper 1

of course not, but u have to still make him feel like u trust him, sti's are just a very serious topic to u

Answer 49

funtims615

Xper 3

No you are trying to be safe. There is nothing wrong with that. Why don't you do one to and go together. To give you both peace of mind

Answer 50

Jeca8

Xper 4

Just ask him to show you results. You don't need a copy. I can understand him why he is upset, you don't believe him.

Answer 51

Jackelray

Xper 3

No I think that is perfectly responsible.

Answer 52

Twalli | 13K opinions shared on Sexuality topic.

Guru

You should trust him. The only way to build trust is to start with blind faith trust.

Answer 53

TheFreshOneee

Xper 3

It’s important to know if your boyfriend has an STI, your health could be at risk.
So yes it is fair to ask him and wanting to know

Answer 54

Anonymous

i think its fine to ask but to be fair you could get one too

Answer 55

DiscomfortZone | 116 opinions shared on Sexuality topic.

Explorer

Not unfair at all, he can be angry all he wants.

Answer 56

Liam_Hayden

Guru

Testing should be standard operating procedures.

Answer 57

Usernamesrdumb | 261 opinions shared on Sexuality topic.

Xper 5

If you want them, expect to be asked for yours.

Asker

1 y
Ok. I would gadly give him mine
Usernamesrdumb

1 y
Id just bring him yours and leave it on him

Answer 58

Asker

Ok. I would gadly give him mine

Answer 59

Usernamesrdumb

Id just bring him yours and leave it on him

Answer 60

spartan55 | 1.6K opinions shared on Sexuality topic.

Master

Pretty unusual. Don't be surprised if he bolts.

Answer 61

OlderAndWiser | 17.9K opinions shared on Sexuality topic.

Master

It is not unfair and it is quite reasonable.

Answer 62

Plitty-Tank

Yoda

Not unfair but he may not agree to it.

Answer 63

CubaPirate | 10.7K opinions shared on Sexuality topic.

Guru

Not at but don't be upset if he asks to see yours

Answer 64

Avicenna | 6.3K opinions shared on Sexuality topic.

Master

Not at all. It's a legit request

Answer 65

shane85

Xper 1

Certainly more need to be done here...

Answer 66

es20490446e | 5.1K opinions shared on Sexuality topic.

Master

If you don't trust his word, why are you with him?

Answer 67

princessde | 59 opinions shared on Sexuality topic.

Xper 5

You better break up lols.

Answer 68

robocop666 | 94 opinions shared on Sexuality topic.

Xper 7

The truth fears no investigation

Answer 69

dthomas89

Xper 7

Nope, you have every right to know

Answer 70

Gedaria | 9.1K opinions shared on Sexuality topic.

Master

Not really

Answer 71

Hypnos0929 | 237 opinions shared on Sexuality topic.

Explorer

Nope.

Is it unfair of me to ask my new boyfriend for a visual copy of his STI results?

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