Sexual Relationships
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Is it unfair of me to ask my new boyfriend for a visual copy of his STI results?

I had the sti talk with my boyfriend a couple of weeks ago and after he admitted to having caught one a while back (and treating it with antibiotics), I asked him to get tested. He said he went to the sti clinic last week and because he didn't get a call back, he should be clean. I asked for a copy of his test results because I don't trust his words yet since I've only known him for a month. He seemed upset when I asked and has yet to show them to me. Is it unfair of me to ask for a copy of his test results?
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Most Helpful Guys

  • Kudos to him for admitting that he had a sti. However, if he goes to a doctor, do you think a doctor is just going to take his word and not see the actual results? If he enrolls in college will a college accept his word and not see the actual high school transcript? In fact, they will demand that it be sent to them directly from the high school. They will not accept a paper copy form him. Do you think an NBA team will accept a potential player's word about a medical condition?

    Is not your relationship with him more important to you than the importance of his relationship is to his doctor, college, or employer? Therefore, if they will not take his word, why should you when the relationship is more important to you than his relationship is to any for them?

    If he is sti free, what has he got to hide? It appears to me that he doesn't place near as much value in a relationship with you as you do in a relationship with him. Why are you chasing after a guy that doesn't value a relationship with you?

  • Doesn't matter if it is 'fair' or not. In my opinion, it is not 'fair'. It is vital!
    Actually, I've been in a similar situation many years back. Both of us knew after a while that we had some choices in the matter. Either we share the results, or we part ways. Simple as that. If she wanted to keep the results from me, she would also stay away from me. And the reverse was also true, since we both were tested.
    Bottom line is, he has a choice. Either he shares the results, or he doesn't and stops sharing In your life. You are the only "you" in existence and that makes you and your health the most important consideration for you.
    Fair or not, it's your life and your health that might be on the line.
    If I've misread the question, then take this answer, wad it up, and toss it over the appropriate shoulder with the requisite amount of salt.

Most Helpful Girls

  • You have the absolute RIGHT to care about your health and your body. This isn't just about him when it comes to the two of you having sex. I'm incredibly proud of you for asking him to not only get tested but for asking to see the results. Given his past history, and his skittishness around showing you results is kind of worrisome. I mean most people I'd think are happy to prove they are clean. I'd be like, do you want copies in triplicate or....lol. Maybe bring it up and say, clearly I have a desire to have sex with you because I'd like to know your results, but I need to make sure that we can have sex in a healthy safe way and you showing me your results will do that for me. Also present your own results if you have them (if not, get them)---aka, I'll show you mine, if you show me yours that way there is absolutely no reason for him to say it's an unfair ask.

  • I had my ex husband go in for a std test back in the mid 1990s before we stopped using condoms. We both went into the health department together and had labs done together. I only had one partner before him but I was a bit stupid about protection and he had more partners than me and had never been tested.

    No he should give you the lab results. Doesn't guarantee it is kosher but at least you tried. I met one woman my age who, after she had to divorce her husband, her new boyfriend got labs done. He did a three way call when he was on the phone getting the test results so she could hear them too.

    Young people if your partner gets mad about std testing don't cave. Viruses and bacteria don't care who it hits. And old people for gods sake use condoms and ask for lab tests. My age group constitutes 27% of all new HIV cases annually.

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What Girls & Guys Said

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  • It's more than fair! If he's clean, he shouldn't have anything to hide, right? I bet he'd ask to see your results if you got tested... you deserve the same rights.

    Now if he's refusing to show you his results, tell him you're not comfortable sleeping with him until you see them.

    • That can be a problem since many clinics work that way that you only get a call within a certain time if you are positive and get help with getting time for treatment. In some countries is it only free tests that works that way. to get paper you need to do it through your doctor.

  • If he refuses to show - he probably does have something to hide - also its only been a month - definitely don't trust him

  • No, it's your health that's at stake. Just the fact that he's upset by you wanting to see the results is a decent indicator that he may not be being truthful with you.

  • No I think that is perfectly responsible.

  • Here’s the thing, if that’s what you need to feel comfortable with being intimate with him, he needs to show you if he wants to move forward. Even if he thinks it’s an extreme request, you shouldn’t compromise your own safety or comfort.

  • You present him with your results visually and ask to see his.

  • I don’t think it’s unfair. I mean, it does show him that you don’t trust him which can make him upset, but what can you expect after 1 month of dating?

  • It is not unfair and it is quite reasonable.

  • Well unfair or not , at one stage or another there is going to have to be some trust. Do you think perhaps you just have an issue trusting him , where is your last sti results? Has he got a physical and electronic copy? , maybe your should both get yourselves tested every month because either of you could cheat with another and catch an sti ? Maybe you want someone to examine the copies I mean they could be fake? , where does it end? If he was truthful enough to tell you he had caught an sti and had a course of antibiotics to get rid of it surely that makes him more trustworthy because of his honesty. And all of this for a guy you have only known a month !!! , the whole thing is just upside down

    • You make a good point that most others didn't. This is a tricky situation. Obviously it's important to know whether he's clean and so asking about that seems reasonable to me, but not believing what he says and demanding to see the report shows a lack of trust that seems like a bad sign for the relationship. With this type of conflict this early, I don't think the odds of this relationship lasting are very good.

    • Yes and your right to say that her wanting to know is right and to be expected. I think it’s right that people be mindful of they’re partners sexual history and I realise the importance of being able to know it’s the truth but it seemed very much like the need for sexual intimacy was being put in front of everything and well if that’s the case just use a condom and restrict fun to only what’s protected and that to me is upside down. Sure I realise that sex can just be that but the language inferred was boyfriend and relationship. The whole trust thing and knowing a person enough to want to be intimate seems completely lost and that’s not right when your talking about how a relationship “should” begin. Without trust yeah I agree , there is no point even trying and setting a standard as big as this so early on in the relationship well it casts a very large shadow , trust is foundational

  • This is something that is relatively new to the dating scene actually and I've never had a girlfriend ask this. If she DID ask for it I would comply as it is kind of the "sign of the times" and I respect a woman's concern. Also, if I happened to actually *have* anything, I would want to know anyway. Plus I would want to know if the new girlfriend is OK also. ALL of the sex that I've had in the last ten plus years has been with a condom and it would be unlikely I'd have anything, but in today's world I wouldn't expect a woman just to go by that if she wasn't comfortable.

  • Not at all.. if you want to have sex with each other then it is one less thing to worry about. Have you two had sex yet? Assuming you are on birth control tell him no sex with out a condom until you see the results. He will get tired of masturbating and will show you the results. Until then no sex with out a condom.

  • Seems totally fair to me, his logic is bogus , most STI clinics apart from fear of infection , their main job is providing proof that the person is clean. You don't apply for a bank loan and go "Trust me it is all on the paperwork at home", you have to hopes of being accepted , Bob and No.

  • Pretty unusual. Don't be surprised if he bolts.

  • It depends. Do you value your health? If so then it's more than fair to ask

  • A month is too short to "trust" anybody. Pregnancy and STIs are not joking matters. They're life changers

  • It’s not unfair at all. People lie all the time about STIs and it is 100% valid to want to see that evidence in front of you. Just ask him to go to the clinic and have them print out his results. It’s not that hard.

  • If he has a problem with you asking for a copy, he probably has one.

  • Listen carefully. Any guy who tells you he is clean, but is not a virgin, IS A LIAR!!! there are diseases that do not have a detectable test to discover. Things that will disfigure you or give you cancer. there's no Male test for the 36+ varieties of the papilloma virus.

    Only a guy who admits having sex unprotected is a risk, because they have a past, is being honest. Seeing his STI results will not fix that problem.

  • Not at all. It's a legit request

  • It’s not wrong to ask him for that especially if you know he has a past with them. Your just being safe, it’s no different than asking him to use a condom, or asking you to be on birth control. Your preventing something you don’t want. If he’s refusing to show that to you that’s a red flag. It’s also common for new couples to get tested and to show each other they don’t have anything.

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