My girlfriend told me that overall I'm not the best partner she ever had and I can't seem to deal with it and can't even make love anymore. What should I do?

Question

So.. my bad.. I actually made my girlfriend confess that overall I'm her second best partner in her entire life (she's 28).
I thought that it wouldn't affect me but it does... badly.
I can't even make love to her anymore. It feels so dirty, so bad. I feel like I'm hating myself whenever I'm thinking about making love to her.
Is there any way to fix this? or maybe I should consider breaking up soon?
I love her with all my heart and soul but I can't take it.. I simply can't. It's too hard for me to bear this. I feel weak, the sex would be chaotic. I would feel ashamed of actually having sex with her...
What should I do?

MrOracle · Accepted Answer

You need to grow the fuck up.

First, you're an idiot for asking a question when you weren't prepared to hear any other answer than "you're the best ever!" Second, you're a moron for assuming that you were the best - why would you assume that?

But your biggest problem is that you don't seem to understand a couple of things: she's no longer with the guy who was "best" at sex - if that was SO important to her, she probably still would be. Like the vast majority of the people in relationships, sex isn't the most important thing to her. Yes, it's AN important thing, but not the end-all-be-all of the relationship. And the other thing is: you can IMPROVE!

Crazy concept, right? Working on something, developing skills and information, and eventually moving up to the top of her list. Do you think Michael Jordan or Kobe Bryant were top NBA players in high school, or do you think they had to do a crap-ton of hard work, training, listening to coaches and humble themselves to feedback, to eventually get to the top of the heap? Being the best takes WORK and TIME and CONFIDENCE and the ability to keep going after a set-back, even a major one.

My girlfriend told me that overall I'm not the best partner she ever had and I can't seem to deal with it and can't even make love anymore. What should I do?

You can either focus on feeling sorry for yourself, and be pathetic, at which point you might as well break up and let her move on, OR you can humble yourself, accept that you aren't as good as you'd like to be, and start working on ways to improve your standings. And to do that, you need to have open and honest communication with her - which means you have to be okay hearing criticism without letting it destroy your ego, and you have to actively work on improving. Believe it or not, that process can be a whole lot of fun. Either way, the decision is yours, and you will live with the consequences of your decision.

Almostoverit · Accepted Answer

Self love. It sounds impossible and weird, but everything you are saying points to how you feel about yourself, not about how she feels about you. Take a moment and think about this: There are men in the world who are taller, stronger, smarter, better looking, and have bigger dicks than you. Do you spend all day thinking about them? If you do, please take some time for yourself to build you back up, as you are taking some serious confidence hits for no reason whatsoever.
It's possible when you pushed that question on her, it annoyed her enough to give you what you wanted. Not her fault since you backed her into a corner. Trust me when I say this: No healthy woman is attracted to a man who begs a woman for validation to his self esteem. A healthy woman will naturally want to support her man as her attraction to his confidence and strength (many forms of strength) grows. But the moment she has to do all the emotional heavy lifting, she will start to lose respect for you, and eventually tire of it.
But back to you. Stop beating yourself up. Stop comparing yourself to her past. It is past for a reason, and the fact that you had to essentially ask her to justify why she is with you now is only going to make her question it as well. If you don't believe you are her best (ie asking her if you are) then why should she believe it? You don't necessarily have to break it off with her, but you do need some quality time figuring out how to be enough for you, or get to the you that makes you happy. GL brother, and be a little kinder to yourself.

Imcmullan · Accepted Answer

Ok, first u should understand that it was sex, not best relationship. Some people have soul ties sexually that makes their sexual chemistry ridiculously amazing... I dated someone who the sex was phenomenal out this world, mind blowing.. but we are awful for one another. He will probably always be my best partner sexually. Instead of you letting your ego get in the way- try harder to make that connection with her so the sex is mind blowing. Breaking up with her bc you aren't the best partner is so fucking dumb.. besides you're young, with time you will learn to please a woman so amazingly that you'll be the best. Sex isn't something that everyone is born great at... with experience it gets better n better. It's all about loving someone so greatly that u want n NEED to take their body to the highest euphoric place imaginable. When it's so good that u think the sex is wrong for u to be having, you know you've reached the highest level n are at your best.

KeziL · Accepted Answer

If her other relationship was so good, why isn't she with him anymore?
I find I can't be jealous or worry over others' past relationships because clearly it didn't work out with that other person. Clearly your girlfriend wants YOU now. Clearly she sees something in you that is very important to her and worthwhile, she wants YOU, not whoever that other chump was.
Focus on the present. She doesn't seem to care about the past, so let it go. Yeah, I've had past partners that were better than ones after them, but I didn't let that affect my feelings towards the latter ones. I evaluate each partner as an individual, on their own grounds, see the things that make them specifically so great. Even if one or two things about old dude were better, I bet she sees a million things in you that can't be replaced. Try to see it from a different mindset.

ScottStevens · Answer

You answered your own question. You either except being number two or find a lady who wants you as number one

Screenwriter · Answer

You need to see a therapist. WHY, why why did you beg to hear this shit from her? Personally, I don't think it's any of anybody's business about how former sex partners were in comparison to them. It doesn't matter. They aren't with that person now and if they felt you weren't good enough, they wouldn't be with you. Jesus Christ on the cross...

AustinMan · Answer

Find a good couple's therapist and work it out.

chrissykerdock · Answer

go with it if she said that dump her... it's a lack of respect if she said that and if she doesn't respect you you have nothing... believe me your just going to waste your time with her and maybe it could be a year you break up but cut her loose it's a bad situation when either sex says something like that.

Justacatlady · Answer

Ask what you can do to over shadow him?

BitterSweetApplePie · Answer

The truth is not for the weak.
And yet we seek it.

You put yourself in this place, so only you can figure out how to get yourself out. You wanted honesty and you got it. If she was referring to sex, then you can improve if you care so much.

She likely didn't mean in terms of best relationship. It doesn't mean she doesn't care about you, otherwise I doubt she'd be there.

Slugworth99 · Answer

I would break up for her. She is pretty insensitive to be telling you this. I also would recommend that you do not "make your girlfriend" tell you anything like this. Are you out to bolster up your ego? Because there is always going to be somebody better than you at anything - this includes former potential lovers of your girlfriend. This is a bad situation all around. Time to end it, learn from it and then move on.

Doody22 · Answer

If this guy was so good why did they breakup? Unless he dumped her or he died she picked you over him. Otherwise you need to get back on the horse and take that number one spot, otherwise you will fall even further down the league table

Trolloween · Answer

Why take it so badly? Just let it motivate you to be better. Also she is with you for a reason, not because you're the best sex ever. I asked my ex if there is anything her exs did that I don't that she missed and she told me one guy sucked her toes and she loved it, I was happy letting that guy keep that crown because I'm not about feet they aren't for me at all. But who cares? He was a better toe sucker, whilst I slept with her every night for eight years.

BreakingSound · Answer

That depends.

Is what’s making you “second best” the fact that your insecurities drive you to do stupid shit like demand that your girlfriend tell you where you rank amongst her past lovers?

’cause man, I know that’d knock you down a couple of pegs in my book, too.

courtney06 · Answer

Yeah maybe just make your account private for a while? Maybe make it public again 6 months from now? It wouldn’t surprise me if he peeps again months later.

Katie1964 · Answer

Dump her! Really even if that is true, would you really say that to someone you care about? Either she is a cold heart-ed bitch or just has no respect for you. No one deserves that, just get rid of her.

petrichowu · Answer

She may feel that way right now, but there are so many other factors other than sex that go into a relationship. She's with you because of who you are, and if she's a good girlfriend she'd be happy to give you pointers on what you could do better. Don't let this get you down; my boyfriend quickly climbed the ranks in terms of the "best partner I've had" because of his amazing kindness, wit, and his willingness to please me sexually. He quickly learned what turned me on, and I did the same for him. If you guys haven't been together for very long, don't let that get you down; just try your best to improve!

Purpleronnie · Answer

What’s screaming at me after reading this is “ SHE IS WITH YOU “. Meaning rightly so that there is reasons why that is the case surely. Becoming fixated on this is a little silly being honest , time to re-focus on what you have , who you are and all the positives of your relationship. If you don’t you will take this forward into every relationship. The here and now is important for you and her , not the past

Warmapplecrumble · Answer

You should discuss with her and ask her what she means by second best... and why she is still with you

lightbulb27 · Answer

That could be hurtful depending upon how it is said and received. We don't know how she said this, but as conveyed... sounds bad. Maybe she meant it to challenge you to better, but girls don't usually state "logical facts" but emotional... and this sounds like a "cut". Or maybe she's had like 20 guys and it is a complement?

If you can try to reframe this as a challenge, then that's good. In other words, engage in deeper discussion with her around... what it is she likes, what make better? I would do this while massaging her (no don't choker he out... lol). Realize, some people can be good at one thing and others at another. She's not with that other guy, who may totally suck in some other way, she's with you. If she is so selfish that she breaks down your self esteem... then she gets what she deserves... you walking away.

Like... If she's simply "knocking" your size or something, then I think she really sucks as a friend, you don't need that in your life... she needs to grow up in that case.

SarahsSummer · Answer

Have a conversation. Find out what you can do better.

Sensmind · Answer

Never ask a question unless you are ready to hear the answer - I am a bit stumped maybe have a break - Time apart might make you remember why you wanted her in the first place , you have to get back to the time before you asked the question somehow.

ChronicThinker · Answer

I'm sorry she told you that, she shouldn't have. But, you also shouldn't have pushed her to tell you if you didn't want to hear what she had to say.

Couple's counselling is an option and learning how you BOTH can make sex better for both of you is a pair of options.

TheCunningLinguist · Answer

Just because it is true now, doesn't mean it always will, unless you don't do everything you can to improve your skills and performance.

My girlfriend told me that overall I'm not the best partner she ever had and I can't seem to deal with it and can't even make love anymore. What should I do?

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