How do I tell my boyfriend I've been faking it with him for over a year?

[Anonymous]

My boyfriend is such a lovely guy and really cares about me, but unfortunately our sex life isn't very good. For me sex isn't everything so I don't really mind but I hate lying to him and I don't want to anymore. When we're intimate he won't stop until I've orgasmed, and unfortunately the first few times we were together I faked it to make him feel better. Fast forward almost a year and a half later and I still fake it. He's the type of person who would take it very personally if I didn't orgasm. If I guided him or told him I didn't like something he is the type of person who would take offence. I really don't want to have to continue faking it for the rest of our lives and I feel like I'm lying to him which I hate. Any advice on how best to approach this with him? Thanks

[lumos]

Hm. You're in too deep now. I think telling him that you've been faking it for over a year could ruin him and your relationship. He probably wouldn't trust you very much after that, and for good reason. I'm not saying that his behavior up until this point has been justifiable, because throwing a hissy fit because your partner tells you what they like/dislike is definitely not ok, but lying like this for over a year isn't ok either.

I would say that instead of admitting to him full on that you've been faking it, try to approach the subject from a different angle. Sit down with him in a non-sexual context and tell him how you feel. Bring up a couple of key points:

1) you feel pressured to orgasm since he takes it so personally. Let him know that sex with him is enjoyable even if you don't have an orgasm. Make him aware of the fact that it's actually a lot less enjoyable when you feel pressured to enjoy it. You don't have to orgasm every time you have sex, and that's ok. If it's ok with you, it needs to be ok with him.2) let him know that he has no reason to take offense whenever you tell him what you like or don't like. It's not criticism, it's literally you trying to let him know what makes you feel good. Sex is a thing that you will never be the master of - everyone likes different things and you're supposed to constantly learn new things about your partner and new techniques that make them feel good. He needs to internalize this and stop feeling so insecure, because his insecurity is only going to hinder him in his "performance".And lastly, stop faking it. Now. You're not helping yourself and you're certainly not helping him. He needs to get over his insecurities and you have to have a serious talk with him about this. Keep repeating these points until it seems like he understands you and stops pressuring you/expecting you to have an orgasm. If he doesn't understand you and sticks to his old ways, then maybe you should reconsider the relationship. Sex is a big part of a relationship and I don't think you should have to fake it for the rest of your life just to keep his ego happy.

[lumos]

Oof, I don't know what happened with the formatting of my text. Sorry about that, I had it sectioned into paragraphs before posting but it seems like gag doesn't like me. :( I hope it's somewhat readable regardless.

[LizzyHale]

As a women who will NEVER orgasm during sex no matter how good it is. I’ve dealt with this in every one of my relationships. Those guys still have no idea that I was fake cumming for them every time. Cause guys are so sweet, at least the ones I’ve dated. They WILL NOT stop and will not give up till their duty of making me cum has been fulfilled haha which I love so much but it’s just so difficult to get across to a man that it is NOT THEM and that I am just not able to cum during sex unless there’s a vibrator right on me for 10 minutes, that’s the only way. Its hard to get men to realize that I can be COMPLETELY and utterly satisfied and wether or not I cum doesn’t matter to me and I don’t think about cumming the entire time, I just think about how GOOD it’s feeling and how I want more. I just don’t cum. And I guess, because guys don’t know any different than to cum everytime that’s what they want to do for us and think it’s their fault when we don’t. That’s why I’ve given up on explaining this in new relationships because ZERO women talk about this opening but all of us women know dang well we don’t want a man thinking they can’t make us ever cum. That would put a huge damper on things in his mind.

[roland77]

Deal-breaker: Fake orgasms/moans. You hurt us males a lot.

[LizzyHale]

What are women supposed to do in that instance though.. either way the man feels like crap. If I don’t fake it he will wonder why I didn’t cum, if I tell him I don’t cum it’s me not him he will think I’m just saying that to be nice and it really is him no matter how much I try to explain that NOT very many women cum even 1/10 times having sex and it’s normal for me. And if I tell him I will never be able to cum during sex he will think THATS a deal breaker so it’s a lose-lose and THATS why most, if not, all women fake it for the benefit of him and so that he doesn’t feel alone the only one having extreme satisfaction during sex (which I do I simply do not cum at the end).

[roland77]

I value honesty here, if you didn't cum, then you didn't cum and we need to find a way to make you cum (if you still want). I value a lot in being honest in sex.

[LizzyHale]

That’s the thing... I will never cum unless you want to sit there rubbing me 30 minutes straight everytime that’s the only way. Other than that I will never cum.

[LanzeWolf]

You are Exactly like a Best friend of mine, She has a guy, Her kids father, He sux in bed too, It Pretty much has changed her into an A-Sexual, Which I wish I could help her out and if she'd give me a weekend with her, I swear I could change her way of thinking.
I'm Going to have to be straight up with you, Don't tell him that he sux in bed, But just start reading about the Kama Sutra and Sensual Massage, Either on the net at night while he's next to you or whatever, But don't try to tell him what you want because in his mind he's a great lover. You'll have to be subtle about it, But maybe you'll get lucky and he may want to try some different things in the book or on your phone / tablet, As you read about it, Make subtle hints (Suggestions)
That makes it interesting to him, so he starts to feel like reading the same thing. It's not going to be a short process, I guarantee you that he Won't get better overnight, But in time if he's open to suggestion at all, You'll be orgasmic again...
I swear it Breaks my heart to hear stories like this... I can't imagine how hard it is for you, I just don't understand why a Man Who is a smart person, wouldn't do EVERYTHING In his power to be the absolute best Friend & Lover to a beautiful woman, Or many, whatever... My Point is that all Men should study the female Anatomy and Psychy (Mind) and truly appreciate it for who you are and what you are capable of, It's amazing to me, Because I have devoted a large portion of my life Trying to figure out what women like and don't. The only thing I can honestly say that I have been able to pin down is all Women are 💯% Different and always ask Questions. Don't just ask questions but do whatever it takes to try to be the best Lover you can be to that specific Woman... Also, LISTEN!!! Don't just hear, But listen to what she wants and likes. It's a shame what most people will never know just because they never asked! 💯

[Anonymous]

Don't tell him. Instead, make communication key now. Next time you're having sex, say and show him what you like and want. As far as him taking offense, explain to him that it's not personal and not a personal "attack" on him. He needs to learn (like with guys) that every woman is different and likes different things and with any relationship, you have to learn what the other person likes. Just like you do with him (it's not going to be the same with every guy/girl). So just don't "point the figure" when you're talking to him. Example don't say anything like "you're bad" or "you're doing this wrong", instead say "I really love it when you do this!", or "can we try this?", "I really like this" etc. And when he's doing something right, make sure he knows it by saying how much you love it etc. This should help a lot. And if he still takes offense at this approach, he's WAY TOO sensitive! lol He needs to take it less personally. He also needs to understand women more and that you don't always orgasm, that doesn't mean you don't love it still. It more mental with you. Same with guys, it's not as common with us, but this happens with us as well. If this has ever happened with him, remind him of that.

[Asker]

This is awesome thank you, really helps x

[Screenwriter]

This is a two-way problem: First, his ego is TOO involved with making you orgasm and seems fragile about being a failure if he DOESN'T. Second, you're enabling this behavior with your issues of shyness and letting someone down. I suggest you get thee to a therapist to work out your trauma issues and stop lying. Tell your boyfriend the GOAL of your intimacy is not your orgasm and reveal to him about this trauma and how it's blocked some of your sexual response. Learn how to talk to him from your therapist and eventually, since it's clear you love this man, get him to come to therapy with you if you're banking on being a lifetime partner with him. You can't be together based on lies and dishonesty. Why does he have to FORCE orgasms on you for him to feel like a man? This cuts both ways.

[roland77]

I think I can explain: I would love to see my girlfriend having multiple orgasms and squirting because it improves our bond a lot, sure for women it is not all about orgasms but more about emotions. Still I like to have her experienced that sensations, not because of it is my duty but because I like to give that to her. Okay, maybe I should not put myself under pressure to not fail, that is very wrong and leads to frustrations. Better is to communicate openly about it. She can guide me easily what she likes, like crawling my head when she likes it and releasing it when not. And we have a deal! I know then what she likes and I was this way able to make my ex-wife orgasm 4 times (multiple) and near squirting.

[topur]

Slowly stop unfaking an be sure to tell him how you are feeling.
If he can't handle that, then it's a sign he thinks that sex is much more important than you.
Which leads to the more important question do you really each other and can accept how you are? Or is your relation interely superficial and when some difficult phase arrives your just gonna break..

[Trolloween]

When you say he's the type of person who'd take offense, have you actually told him anything or are you just assuming?

[Isten]

Been there, done that, never again.
Seriously, I've experienced literally this and ended up with me resenting my ex with a passion.
Unless he gives up the snowflake behaviour, this won't end well.

[Evilcharlie]

I think you & many other women left comments admitting then they need get over their hangs of not wanting to talk about sex & tell your man

[roland77]

Why is it so much taboo to talk about sex? Salt'N'Pepper - Let's Talk About Sex (Let's talk about you and me) <-- that song says it, it is personal. Still so many are ashamed to talk about it.

[PondyPand]

Should never have faked like a moron.

[liburnia]

I have hard time to orgasam from only penetration (it happend only few times since I'm sexually active) and my husband knows that from the beginning and he has no problem with me helping myself if that is what I need at that moment or he does it in some other way and not just penetrating. All he cares about is that I'm satisfied as well as he is. That is called love, but I was the one tell him that and not faked that I feel good when I'm not.

[Anoniemus]

On his birthday in a card and let him know you plan on making it the best B day ever... while still faking it. ;)

[standingUP]

I would tell him while you two are sitting on the couch together having a calm conversation about this serious issue.
He will be more likely to heed the seriousness of this situation in that format. rather than in a heated argument or in bed.
If he is a real man he would want to learn how to be a better lover. Some guys just never learned. Some apparently are too afraid to ask. So if he does get upset well frankly HE SHOULD BE at himself for allowing this lack of performance to hinder your relationship.

I do not know why people are afraid to hurt another by stating reality. Why should the concerned partner continue to suffer.

If you boy doesn't man up to your requests to attempting to learn then HE REALLY IS NO MAN YOU NEED.

[ohshee]

You don't need to tell him you have been faking tell him u want to try something new and you are the one who is in control. Tell him to just lay back and you will do all the work and then don't tell him show him what you like you become him and he becomes you look him deep in to his eyes and show him how you need to be please not 1 time. But as many as it takes

[lightbulb27]

Well, you need to work on yourself... your dishonesty is not helping and he isn't a mind reader. In effect, your lack of confidence results in lying and deceipt. This is where "being nice" is bad, exactly why women avoid/ditch guys like this.

So work on your confidence and just start from scratch... don't go into the past, but work on going forward. If comes up, then deal with it gently as you can.

[notatrap]

Many men and women who can't climax with their partner because of traumatic experiences often just need to alleviate some of the trauma. I would suggest continuing to build a connection with him normally, go to sex therapy and/or alongside regular therapy. Once you gain a stronger emotional connection and the trauma dissipates, you will probably be able to climax properly. You have to recognize what is blocking you from getting there and replace it. This could take months, or even a year or two. But you can tell him you're getting therapy/counseling and you need his support... it can make you two closer than ever... and you might get results sooner than expected :)

[notatrap]

Also suggest stopping or not having sex if its not doing anything for you during this time of reflection. If you do, decide when you're ready to have sex again... deliberately.. with a goal to climax properly with him. If you dont, thats okay but maybe you get close, closer each time. Telling him about it is up to you.. depends if you believe he's 'the one'.. if so, get a ring on it 😁

[Asker]

Thank you ☺️ this is really helpful

[notatrap]

❤ no shame

[BigTingle]

Just tell him, the longer you wait the worse it gets. If it's important to him, tell him what you like and how he can do better. You've dug a hole, but being open about will seem better than him finding out another way eventually. Just make sure it's not during a fight and he's in a good mood beforehand.

[SarahsSummer]

You'd don't necessarily need to let him know you've been lying all this time but you should try to start with a clean slate and start telling him the truth and suggest trying new things to keep things exciting/interesting. Maybe even get something like a Kama Sutra book or video for positions and acts to experiment with.

[JackSmy]

Those kind of lies, and your relationship is never going to work. If you can't tell him the truth, and if he isn't man-enough to realize he has no idea how you feel, and you are too afraid to show him how, and where, to make you just giggle and love your orgasms, why are you bothering?
Break up, and find another that maybe has a better idea of what you want? Maybe the next one can read your mind, and just know!! Or, maybe, you can just show him, and talk, and be honest?

[ChronicThinker]

Rip it off like a bandaid. Just fucking tell him and tell him to stop being so sensitive about it.

[Trolloween]

Exactly, men shouldn't have feelings just destroy his self esteem, girl power!

[ChronicThinker]

@Trolloween That isn't what I said, but I'll bite since you wanna be a petty little shit about it. You realize that this guy effectively makes her feel guilty if she expresses anything she likes or doesn't like about sex, right? So you're telling me that she shouldn't have any desire for her lover to actually put aside his oversensitivity (which basically makes it impossible for her to express an opinion or desire during sex) to try and actually make sex more enjoyable for the both of them? I'm sorry, I'm not saying you can't be sensitive as a man, but male or female, the moment that you're so sensitive that your partner has to LIE TO YOU FOR A YEAR and not enjoy sex because you take offence if she says: "Hey, I don't like this babe, could we try this instead?" Fuck off with that nonsense.

[ChronicThinker]

@Trolloween "If I guided him or told him I didn't like something he is the type of person who would take offence." That's borderline emotionally manipulative, whether or not that's his intention. It's effectively absolving him from having any need to make sure she's actually pleasured during sex because he'd rather do whatever he wants and not take his partner's feelings or wants into account. So yeah, I would tell him straight up and tell him he needs to dial back the sensitivity.

[Trolloween]

I agree with you from that point of view. But you're totally absolving her from any responsibility, it's like the girls who say 'it's OK if I cheat, he wasn't giving me enough attention'. Sure, you should get attention but then there are ways to deal with it without resorting to deceit. She shouldn't have lied, she shouldn't be with someone she's so uncomfortable with she can't even express a simple truth. But she's now carried it on for a year so whatever his sins may be, telling him it was all a lie will destroy him and it's not his fault. From his point of view he's been a good lover for over a year and telling him it was all a fiction is likely enough to destroy the relationship. So you're putting the full blame on him for making it difficult to be truthful (which by the way she said she is shy and awkward so we're only getting one side of that story), I'm saying they are both in the wrong but for the majority of the time it's been her that kept it going. So I think just saying 'stop being so sensitive' is extremely cold and one sided, she fucking lied for a year and she is in the wrong for that and just blaming the man is bias.

[ChronicThinker]

@Trolloween I never said it was okay to cheat and she IS at fault for not communicating, but I also understand how it can be hard to communicate if someone makes you afraid to tell them the truth.

[ChronicThinker]

@Trolloween But, I agree, letting it go on for a year and not doing anything is going to be damaging to him, but it's better for her to do it now than eventually breaking up with him over it and having him find out that way.

[Trolloween]

I'd really like to know if she even said anything to him, she only says (I'm paraphrasing) 'he's a great boyfriend and doesn't stop until she orgasms' which is better sounding than many guys who are selfish. But then also 'he's the type of person who'd take offense'. She never actually says she mentioned anything to him, so from his point of view he was giving her orgasms consistently and she never mentioned anything. So I'd feel pretty terrible if I was in his shoes.

[ChronicThinker]

@Trolloween I can see that, I guess I hadn't considered that as deeply as I should. I'd like to have more context on the situation as well.

[Trolloween]

I just asked

[ChronicThinker]

@Trolloween Then we shall see, hopefully.

[Dazed0N0Confused]

Hun I never cum, it feels great, but I just can't with penetration alone. I've let my SO know this and he apologizes, but it isn't that big of a deal, and I've told him that. Maybe tell him you need clitoral stimulation to reach the big O if that's what you need, but it's no one's fault or a reason for him to feel hurt. You have to be satisfied too, talking with your partner is the only way you're going to get it.

[Bratsondanielle]

You DON'T tell him is how!!! You should suggest some variations in bed instead. Think about what you'd find extremely kinky yourself. Blindfolded? Tied? New position? Maybe put it to him in a kinky way? Open a bottle of red wine and pour some on him (and you) then pull out your little whip or whatever and say tonight!!!
Whatever you do don't tell him!!! I don't know if you tried but lots of girls get off easier/faster doing it lying on the side with him behind in spoon position. I've even advised few girls who couldn't get off to try and they had success with it!!!

[coachTanthony]

--------------Why would you fake it for that long? Just tell him what you need! lol

[liburnia]

And if it bothers him or offend him, he is the one to be blaimed for, not you. It takes two to tango. He should listen to what you need to be satisfied. If he doesn't I would see it as a lack of his care for you and not other way around. He should understand that what he is doing, no matter how good his intentions are is just not good enough for you and he should let you teach/show him what you like.

[DiegoO]

@liburnia how would he know is she FAKED it?

[liburnia]

I was saying about her insecurity to tell him. She said she is affraid of how he would react and that he would be offended

[Pamina]

For a year? I'm sorry but that's really messed up of you.