Sex and communication?

[Anonymous]

So my boyfriend and I have been together for 7 months. We can literally talk about anything for hours. He studied psychology in college and is very helpful since I deal with anxiety. Fast forward to tonight. He likes to try new things sexually. Kinda surprising me with new acts and see if I like them. For the longest time he wanted anal. I refused until I did research and genuinely wanted to try it. We went back to his place a while back we were gonna have anal sex but ended up being too late cause he had to finish lol. We hung out tonight and we found a empty parking lot somewhere and started making out he found a condom in the car and I thought we’re gonna have vaginal sex. I felt this pressure on my butt knowing what was happening. I said ow that really hurts. I asked him if he meant to “get in there” he said ”no that wasn’t my intention” I said bullshit and we both laughed knowing his sick humor. He then repositioned me and tried again but gave up. I was completely caught off guard cause he didn’t say he was gonna have anal sex with me. But after I felt scared I was extremely anxious and worried that he violated me. He comforted me. Telling me his reasoning that he wanted to try something new and he told me if I felt like he was truly crossing the line to tell him to get the fuck off me. he said no matter how uncomfortable you feel tell me and I’ll stop. When the surprise anal was happening I was confused hoping we would have vaginal sex. We had a condom. it was in the back of the car. But I don't know he said after 7 months I should trust him sexually and know he has no intention to hurt me. I lost my virginity to him and he has been helping me gain confidence sexually since my biggest fear is being hurt. So my question is. Communication. But should he have told me ahead? Was it violation? Why did he straight face joke like that? How much communication is enough? I’m so new to this. I trust him but tonight caught me off guard completely.

[Bad_Man55]

There is experimenting and trying a new position or move on the fly but trying to break in the backdoor is another story all together. He def should've communicated that since it obviously was his intention and ultimately should get your permission and know you are good with it. Just because you are involved with someone and are in a intimate situation does not give either party free reign to do what they want, so there was a violation. You need to be clear with him of your boundaries and what is not ok, it may be awkward to discuss but it will likely help to avoid a more volatile situation later on.

[Asker]

I couldn’t agree more! Thank you!

[Bad_Man55]

You're welcome. Hope things work out well.

[Asker]

Thanks me too! If you don’t mind I have a question. Like I mentioned earlier why do you think he said with a straight face he didn’t mean to go in my ass. When I immediately called him out we both laughed I know he was a weird humor. But what’s ur take. Maybe scaram or was he trying not to worry me? im curious!! Thank you!

[Bad_Man55]

Totally just trying to play it cool and laugh it off hoping you would too and not allow things to get dramatic. If it was a true accident then he would be stumbling over his words and not have been as smooth and cool. He knew what he was doing..

[Asker]

Yeah I agree. Cause after I said it hurt the first time I don’t wanna do it anymore blah blah he moved me into a better position I was thinking we were gonna have sex. He was thinking but didn’t communicate out loud that he thought it was the position that made it hurt. I then asked him the question of did he mean to get down there. He tried anal again but got the hint I wasn’t having it the second time around and he probably had to finish lmao. So since you’ve been very helpful this whole time. How should I talk to him to avoid future situations and have more communication! You’ve been so helpful!

[DoTheThew]

He should've definitely given you a heads up that that was his intention. There need to be limits to his "experimenting," and that was a bit far. It's up to you whether you feel violated or not, but realistically it wasn't, considering he stopped when told. Everyone has their own level of communication that they require for this kinda stuff. It's definitely worth the time to talk to him about it. I'm just worried about him going too far and you feeling too shocked to say no. You may need to set some boundaries.

[Asker]

Thanks for your reply! Yeah I said ow that really hurts no more please he then moved me into a better spot and tried again to make it feel better. But I didn’t know this until after. When I asked him when it was happening he was like oh that was not my intention (to get into my ass) lol.

[LiamSawyer]

Communication is the first and foremost most important part of any relationship be it emotional or sexual or both. Trust is also extremely important and I sense he just lost some of your trust. If you are going to do anal you need to be prepared physically and emotionally. Lube is an absolute requirement or you could be physically traumatized as there is no natural lubrication in the rectum and it's walls can be easily torn.

[stratford]

You shoud let him know that if he wants anal, he should work up to it, as follows:

1. He should use his fingers and slow work backwards, teasing the entrance but not trying to enter

2. He should break out the lube, and continue to tease just the outside

3. He should look for signs from you that you are ready (spreading you legs and positioning to give his finger easy access)

4. He should gently press against your entrance and you can allow his finger inside you

5. If you're enjoying that, after a few minutes he might as you if you are ready for him

6. If you say yes, he should put on a condom, add lots more lube and slowly press just the tip against your entrance, hopefully you will be aroused and relaxed and it will slowly go in

And take it from there... you'll either love it or it won't be for you. You need to be ultra relaxed with him and yourself for it to happen. Good luck!

[Iron_Man]

Your not married dont have sex

[outside_Toronto]

Yes you should have had a conversation about it
No, it isn't violation
No idea; you'd have to ask him why
Enough communication is when you're constantly on the same page

[Asker]

Thanks for reply. Quick question I will add after I said ow that really hurt. I said please no more that really hurt. So he moved me into a more comfortable spot tried again but then gave up. So when I talked to him after, I brought up the fact I said no more that hurt he said he figured it was the angle and wanted to make it feel good. So what qualifies as assault then? In your opinion.

[outside_Toronto]

Are you looking to convict him?

[Asker]

No! Why

[outside_Toronto]

With respect, what does it matter? It was a misunderstanding. You learn from it, talk about it next time and that's that.

[Asker]

Thank you!

[KrakenAttackin]

Get a hold of your neurosis.

[Asker]

Whatcha mean

[Elliot0_07]

You're dating him for so long and when he tried anal, you freaked out? That's so wrong!

You should've let him do it and keep playing along! Don't let him upset!

[Anonymous]

Wow, overthink much?

If you care about this guy, don't fuck up your relationship and lose him because you're creating a problem in your mind that doesn't really exist in reality.

[Asker]

How would I ruin it?

[Opinion Owner]

Under the circumstances as you've described them here, trying to make what he did into assault or violation tells me you have some deeper issues here. As a man in today's political and social climate I can tell you that sort of thing scares the fuck out of guys these days and I think I speak for most when I say I would not stick around to find out just how deep your issues are. It's not worth the risk.