Sexual assault?

[cath15]

Two days ago I was drinking with some friends. It got a little out of hand. At a certain point all four of us were (half) passed out on the couch. We were hot so we had taken of our shirts, me as well. That turned out not to be such a good idea. One friend, let's call him A, pushed my bra to the side and started fiddling with and licking my boobs. An other friend, let's call him B, put a finger in my mouth, and i don't know if he touched my further but he probably did. When all that was happening I was thinking: 'what are they doing? I don't want this. Stop.' But I couldn't gain the control over my body to tell them to stop or push them away. Eventually they stopped and were sort of laughing it off, saying that it was weird and we shouldn't talk about it ever again. (Oh and both of them have a girlfriend). I feel very weird about all this, the next day I felt dirty and confused. And last night I saw them again at another friend's birthday and every time one of them touched me I was reminded of the night before and got that feeling again. Now I know I shouldn't have drank so much, and I'm not planning on doing that ever again because I don't want to find myself in a situation like that ever again.
But my question is: was I sexually assaulted? I never told them to stop, but I also didn't give them any sign of agreement or consent.
And how can I feel better soon? I keep trying to forget about it and push it away but it pops in my mind every few hours and I hate it.

[EroticArab]

Unfortunately, yes. You were sexually assaulted. You were drunk and they took advantage of that. That's assault. More importantly, the feelings you're experiencing are the feelings of someone who was assaulted.

As for feeling better, I doubt this can be achieved by trying to forget it and push it away. Burying feelings almost never works. Facing and dealing with them is the only way for you to get through this. I am not sure how you should do that, as only you would know if you need help from a therapist, or maybe a friend would be enough. It's a form of trauma and I think only you can know how severe or mild it was for you. I think you need to try to clear your head and ask yourself what would help you feel better about it the most: reporting it, facing them with it, talking to a therapist, something else, a combination of all that and more, etc.

I can say this, however: these feelings most likely stem from guilt and shame. You feel guilty and ashamed and you absolutely, ABSOLUTELY, have nothing to feel guilty and ashamed about. I know it's not enough to just say that, but believing it helps. The blame, guilt and shame is completely on the guys who did this.

[cath15]

thank you I really needed to hear that

[EroticArab]

You're very welcome and I'm sorry all the help I can offer is words here. If you would like to discuss this further, I'd be glad to.

[cath15]

I would like that. Can you message me?

[EroticArab]

Sure. But it looks like only people you follow can message you. So, you have to message me.

[EroticArab]

Sorry. I meant you have to follow me.

[Anonymous]

It does sound pretty innocent by how they stopped and reacted. Try not to take it too hard. I know it sounds like a fucked up situation. But in general you should stay away from men while drunk, like goes for all women. Girls have done the same thing too.

[cath15]

I know, they didn't mean it and they definitely didn't mean to make me feel uncomfortable. And yes I'll do that, and I'm also never becoming thát drunk again.

[Opinion Owner]

Probably a good idea

[SueShe]

To me, it is not sexual assault because you knew that such a situation could happen before you started drinking alcohol and becoming intoxicated.

Therefore, in the knowledge that things like that DO happen when intoxicated and that YOU let them happen, you were indirectly consensual and thus, it is not sexual assault.

If you were drugged or physically misused against your will in a sober stated, then it would be sexual abuse but not for something that you are aware is likely to happen and don't take any precautions about beforehand.

[SueShe]

*sober state*

[cath15]

I didn't think it was likely to happen. They're my friends, not some douchy dudes who I know to act like that. Usually they're the ones helping me fend of unwanted attention, this time they were the onces giving the unwanted attention. And I didn't LET it happen, I don't know how but it was like I was paralysed and I only realised it was happening in the middle of it, that's how out of it I was.

[SueShe]

Now that it happened, you priority would be to try to process everything. You could try to seek the assistance of a counseling service where specialist are able to assess the situation better than anyone here on GAG. If you think that you suffer psychologically from that occurrence, then I would urge you to seek help as quickly as possible in order to try to limit the damage to a minimum. What is done is done and you will have to live with it. It is always easier to be wiser afterwards but friends are not really friends until you can trust them with your life. To me, those people are merely acquaintances and not friends. True friends don't do things like that knowing how easy it is to lose a friendship that normally takes years to build up. If you feel that you have a hard time accepting what happened and that you dwell about it more than you would about something important, then it is time to seek help. Do not delay it because it will eat you. At age 19, you don't want to log this burden around your whole life.

[AshZ36]

@SueShe your logic is kinda flawed... like I know at any point someone could rape me... and if it happens, since I knew the situation could happen and I left the house anyways...

[cath15]

Thanks for the advise. Especially what you said about friendship: you're right and I hadn't thought about it like that yet.

[SueShe]

@AshZ36 Thanks for your opinon. It is not as flawed as you think because you could be raped in your house of course but what is the likelihood compared to strolling down the streets totally naked. You are aware that by walking down the streets naked, the risk of being assaulted is substantially higher than by staying within your 4 walls. My argument is based on the fact that when getting drunk, you automatically take into account that you are subjecting yourself to a much higher risk.

[AshZ36]

@SueShe yeah you're... not smart

[AshZ36]

Everyone was drunk it seems, and their reactions after when sober seems like they regret it as well... its a very tricky situation but... maybe talk it over with them

[AshZ36]

Cath, DM me, I had a similar situation happen

[cath15]

My XP is too low to DM

[AshZ36]

Follow me, then I can DM you

[Iron_Man]

Talk to an attorney this is not for me to really comment on. But One thing I can tell you to never be taking your shirt off in front of any dudes

[cath15]

Yes. I remember doubting at the time. But they said it'd be okay because we're all just friends. Turns out it wasn't okay. And I definitely don't want to sue them or anything.

[Iron_Man]

Don't ever listen to a drunk guy when he says that. As far as talking to the attorney goes let your Conscience be your guide of you want to file charges

[Iron_Man]

If ...

[SueShe]

I don't think you stand a chance about suing them because you knew what risks you took when getting drunk in company of guys.

[cath15]

I'll keep that in mind thank you. I don't want to file charges. I don't think the chaos that would cause and the punishment they might get is in proportion to the incident.

[Iron_Man]

Sue is an expert that has great wisdom. I would take her advice if I were you

[SueShe]

No, I don't have wisdom, I just use my head :-)

[Iron_Man]

LoL your being bashful knowing you are the Most Helpful Award Queen on GAG

[CaptainLegal]

It's complicated

[swettannie]

it kinda was. but honestly, if they were drunk as well, they probably had no idea of what they were doing and was more moving by instinct

[cath15]

I know, and I'm not mad at them. It just feels very weird that I experienced something that made me feel very uncomfortable, and there is no one to blame. I really just want to process this and move on. I thought talking about it with strangers could be a safe way to do that. Since none of you know the guys in question.

[swettannie]

fell free if you want to talk about that

[8michael2]

I'm so sorry. I hate to hear stories like this but I will do anything to help u throw

[Anonymous]

I think the disconcerting part of your story if you are telling the truth that this happened is the fact they laughed it off. That would make me believe they didn't think it was wrong drunk or otherwise. Maybe they've been watching too much porn and they've normalized such behavior. Which might mean they could possibly do this to another woman. I'm not saying they will be repeat offenders. I"m saying they might be.

Maybe it was an one time thing on their part but I'm sure the girlfriends of these guys wouldn't give them an out on this. Talk to a lawyer. My urge would be to get a male friend to go talk to them and find out what they really thought about what they did and if they laughed it off again. Guys are more likely to tell other guys what they really think. It's time to get a lawyer consent and no more getting drunk.