Jean to be clear , I am answering for how I would React. I’m in no way meaning this as a direction. I respect your judgement for yourself and We all choose what our limit is. 😇
For me, I would leave. Full stop. I would get up and leave the relationship in the kiddie of the act. Sexual abuse is a subject that has been residing dormant in my psyche my entire life.. it’s like I’m always half expecting the Emergency to arise. I’d honestly see it as a fire and exit the building.
This is something I have ZERO tolerance for. I’m already very alert to being at all uncomfortable during sex I’ve been apprehensive my entire life bc I was ease really taught normal sex is basically rape and that is just how life is. It was easy to believe this bc I was taught this from an abusive person ( Though in her defense, I do think she meant well but has many struggles psychologically )
My initial solution as a child, was to decide when older I would never date. But I’ve Obviously I have since learnt that in the real World _majority_ of people are not naturally rapists. Still.. out of 7 billion a minority us enough that I’m very on guard, all the time.
I don’t say this Bc you are describing rape. I say it bc as rape has always been forefront on my mind. As a result I’m extremely hostile to any trace of intentional or unintentional disrespectful behavior , physically. Whether by humiliation or actual physical pain. Bc I see it as a gateway to the ultimate Concern. And bc in itself it is simply not something That I’ve molded myself to adapt to in any way. In my case I probably React a not too hastily , and any partner would be made clear on this so we could avoid misunderstandings. If they turned out to be be able or willing to work with me so we can mutually enjoy sex, I can't Be with them. No matter how much I may Like or love them otherwise.
respect compassion trust affection ~~~I don’t care about much more in a relationship, but I can accept nothing less then this.
What you are describing~ not the possibly implied with holding of sex as manipulation tactic. That is not really “ ok “ but it wouldn’t bother me at all in the same way. That is simply a situation where we need to find an adult way of resolving conflict. I’m willing to work on that. However
~ making sex uncomfortable or painful.
this Would be an immediate throw back to my original expectation of sexual abuse or rape. My respect for them would be immediately shattered. I could not trust this person anymore. Certainly not Enough my busy but not my mind Or heart either.
I notice people are willing to put up with painful or degrading sex bc the rest of the relationship is worth it. That is their choice. It is completely alien as an option to me.
To me sex should be a place with the most compassion bc it is where you are most vulnerable.
I am not an “ anything goes in the bedroom” kind of person. If you can’t be at your best when I’m at my most vulnerable than I can’t be with you.
I am hoping your situation isn’t such a big deal though. I know you really like her overall. And as I say I react very strictly to the slightest trace.
As always, I wish you well 🌺
Sorry I forgot to fix a few typos and separate a few paragraphs. My memory was a bit jogged, I was distracted. 😐 I think it is brave if you to ask these questions knowing people can at any point misinterpret the meaning give unsolicited advice or even attack. Luckily there are some good people here. I see them 😊
Beautiful answer, I really enjoyed reading it as it's very well thought and detailed. I agree on all your points, and I understand about your expectations and fear regarding sexual violence and rape since I have similar fears. My fiancée is not really sexually abusive thankfully, but I noticed she gets noticeably rougher and insists on doing stuff I don't really like if we just argued and are having make up sex.
I understand. I mean of course I did not know but my impression was, you were not referring anything so severe.. I thought we’re that were the case the post would be written in a very different way. You really seem to take stalk of things as they happen in a timely manor ~ which I admire~ you do not seem to be an alarmist nor a procrastinate. I could not see you waiting so long to casually mention anything so severe. So I was quite sure we were not dealing with that. ☺️ But I did sense and can very much relate to the discomfort and that it might have been slightly understated bc it’s uncomfortable and bc its not so severe so you can afford to understate it. I am have been tuned into your “series” which again I admire your courage to write and I appreciate what I’m able to learn from. As well I just love your perfect composed style of writing. It is very old school proper eloquent and philosophical ☺️ I am always confident if things were at a point you found unbearable, you would be aware and respond appropriately. When you write posts about conflict I feel safe that it is not so severe, bc you would not be trying to work it out any longer. I only meant the slightest deviation of my known snd well understood comfort zone would trigger me intensely. I’m so glad you appreciated my response And recognized it was not meant as instruction.
Wow... so many ignorant people hear. If the man or woman is giving u unbelievably hot sex that makes ur eyes roll back and ur heart scream would u see that as abuse. No... most people would not see it right away or at all. If the next day that same person wanted to borrow money or asked u to cancel ur plans to do something with them won't that be controlling u with pleasure. Cuz most people would give in cuz this person just made u feel so good and u want to please them so u would most likely give in. So many people saying its abuse but don't women use it all the time in relationships especially married women. If your man doesn't do what is expected or upset u don't u withhold sex. Isn't that controlling... only letting him have the cookie if he behaves in a way that is aligned with your expectations... isn't that using sex to control someone. But when u put it the other way around where the man uses it... all of a sudden its abuse. Wow... some people can be so hypocritical sometimes. Women have been using that tactic for decades, in the modern age it's called abuse...
To me the salient point is he said she does things to him that she knows makes him UNCOMFORTABLE and PAINFUL That is not enchanting and inspiring someone to do something nice for you bc you give then an amazing gift of pleasure. .. which really is just exchanging gifts. I don’t consider that abuse. This is painful. That’s abuse. I certainly wouldn’t see it differently if he were a Woman.
Not sure I understand the question. If my girlfriend uses sex to get me to take out the trash - I would be - and indeed I am - her obedient slave. If she wants to use it as a means to enticing me kill another man - - - eh, probably not so much.
The problem is that the question does not define the parameters of its terms. Men and women do things to get sex. I try to look my best. I take care of her. I help out with our children.
Now it is true that I do these things because I love her in my own right. However, I also do those things in the hope I will, in a sense, be rewarded by her love and affection and that will be expressed in sex between us.
That is pretty normal for both human males and females and is actually rooted in evolution. The male's prehistoric ancestors were programmed to impregnate females and make babies. To in effect spread his sperm and replicate himself. (It is how the species has endured for several hundred thousand years.)
The female needed an alpha male. She needed a male with healthy sperm to sire health babies. A male who would then find food and shelter for mom and baby and ward off rival males and predators.
It sounds sort of base, but to borrow a line, there is a sort of natural quid pro quo there. The physical pleasure that men and women get from sex being an evolutionary inventive to get men and women to engage in certain behaviors. After several hundred thousand years of evolution, the range of what men and women want has expanded and modified, but the essential nature of the exchange has not changed.
So in a weird and inoffensive way men and women use sex to control each other. Though "control" is probably too strong a word. We want the physical pleasure of sex and do things to earn it from our mates. The question then is the degree and not the fact.
In the details I also mentioned using sex or certain sexual acts that one may see as painful or feels uncomfortable about as punishments and humiliation tools. That's the main issue.
Well, that would not be pleasurable and would, if anything, be a disincentive. The presumption in that part of your question is that someone will continuously seek pain over pleasure. Assuming that they are are otherwise psychologically stable, that is highly unlikely. Given that, what your other respondents have said applies. It would be the end of the relationship. Men and women seek sex for physical pleasure and social bonding, not for pain. My girlfriend entices me to take certain actions because I want pleasure and a sense of connection. Pain would not give me that and it would deter me from having sex with her at all. The scenario you have laid out then, all other things being equal, just does not work in any real world application. This assuming a normal healthy male and a normal healthy female.
I would feel controlled. I ended something recently before it got started for this very thing. I was given the following phrase: "I'm trying to get close to you, and I want to (censored for decency) but when you don't talk about your friends sometimes, I can't think of us intimately without them being in the picture."
Basically we were still getting to know each other. I have great friends that I value highly. We do things and hang out on a once every two weeks, to a month time basis. Most of my friends are married with kids now so that's the life. What is important to me though is that my potential partner understands a little bit about me through my interactions with my friends. So a little context there. She basically did not enjoy hearing about them (for whatever reason that may/may not be valid for her) and that would itself be a semi red flag, but the biggest red flag was her inserting the level of intimacy should would feel based on whether she liked a certain behavior. Feeling turned on, or turned off by something is completely valid, and very natural. Most healthy people just feel the response, or lack thereof, and it plays out the way it plays out. But when someone uses intimacy as a manipulation tool to get what they want, that is childish and unhealthy for both. So TLDR, it sucks and I wouldn't put up with it.
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What's Your Opinion? Sign Up Now!To put it bluntly: he would be single again.
People that use tactics such as that to manipulate and control their partner are scum. It's one thing to play hard to get, or even tease a little. You know the other person is just playing or trying to excite you because eventually it's going to lead to more-
But using sex to get your partner to do what you want? Nah, that's too much. No one deserves to be treated that way. I'd call him out on it and tell him if he's going to use sex in that manner, I don't need it from him.
Intimacy should be something fun, romantic, and pleasant for BOTH partners. Not a "reward" or tool to control another person.
Scum, narsasotc bipolar cheaters. Statistics do not lie.
Very hurt of course. Already suffering from depression and having difficulties with staying alive, that would be the cherry on top.
Mad as Hell. That's why I negotiate early in relationships that we won't weaponize either sex or communication.
Smart 👍🏻👍🏻
@VIVANT My experience is that it's more important for men to do that since we're not as likely to try to deny our partner on either count though of course the world is rife with exceptions.
Honestly, I don't see what's the problem? Relationships are about give and take. It's not controlling, it's compromising. Sometimes you can't have it all, you have to give up some things in order to get something that's more satisfying. If he's giving me crazy orgasms regularly but doesn't want me to, for example, hangout with my male coworkers (just a stupid example) I'd agree to that. Fuck coworkers, are they really that important? Healthy sex life is one of the most important things, and it's SO HARD to find it. Now, if he was asking for something unspeakable or was punishing me with painful sex, that's something else. But generally relationships are about prioritizing, and I value sex and intimacy very high. No one can control anyone, you'd need superpowers for that. People use it as an excuse because they can't say no or they are to ashamed to admit that they actually enjoy something that's labeled as "bad" by society.
That's good, but in the details I also mentioned using sex or certain sexual acts that one may see as painful or feels uncomfortable about as punishments and humiliation tools. That's the main issues.
Its not new. People do this all the time so i wouldn't be surprised. Just depends on how often they do it for me to wanna leave.
You will rarely hear stories about men using intimacy as a means of manipulation, because men simply doesn't possess a woman's inherent biological reproductive value. "Sex as a weapon" is almost-exclusively their domain: the choice to have sex is ultimately hers and, if she doesn't "feel like it", he just has to suck it up and deal with it.
Additionally, it is generally thought that women don't "need" sex the same way men do, so there is really nothing to deprive them of. If the guy should be so inclined to try, he is easily replaceable while she isn't. Eggs are expensive but sperm is cheap and abundant. Given the right conditions, one guy is as good as the next.
I used to date a guy when I was 20-21 that was very controlling and used anal sex as punishment when I disappointed him.
I left him after a few months when all he wanted was anal. He went through 6 Asian girls in 2yrs before I moved away.
I have used sex as a bargaining chip when my man was not being romantic and had gotten into a "me only" mode.
i take it it was rushed and no lube?
@Sabretooth it got to that point.. its the big reason i dumped him.. and he was not willing to have regular sex.
seems like your ass was wasted on that guy. you got a girl who's willing to give her ass-you do it right!
That’s abusive. I’d be looking to escape that unhealthy relationship.
I wouldn't tolerate that. Its sociopathic in my opinion, to use intimacy to manipulate you into doing what they want and I don't tolerate that (I'm not so easily bought off that I will do what ever a woman wants simply because she is offering sex or withholding it).
Manipulated, angry, hurt, and they would know about it. Since I hold nothing back...
Very pleased satisfied be my pleasure pleasing her
You asked, "How would you feel if your partner used intimacy as a way to control you?" I think you should ask, "How would you feel if your partner tried to control you?"
The second question doesn't specify a method of control, the first does.
Right. The fact that she is trying to control you is more important than how she is trying to accomplish that.
The fact that she tries doesn't means she's having success. At this point I'm just happy to let her think that.
I was gonna say pissed off, but now I'm second guessing myself lol... I'll have to get back to you on that. Honestly, might be alright with it for a while, but I would eventually get tired of it. If it never stopped, I would be leaving that chick no matter how awesome and frequent the sex was.
nope
This has happened to me and I didn’t like it
what do you mean... like an exchange medium..."you do this", then you can have that... as negotiation?
manipulated, bad, revolted.
I think it’s worse than That. I get the impression She is Into using sex humiliate and physically hurt.
@VIVANT you got it right, that's how I meant it and few people got it. You are very perceptive and attentive to details!
If that's the case, this question is really sugar coated and needs to be more clear what she is doing.
"Control" me? As in to use me & abuse me? I definitely object to that.
Many have tried! Come on, that is like the most basic form of 'control' in history!!
"Do what I want, or you don't get: ***" So what?
Sexual manipulation is so common!! People in mutually satisfying, respecting relationships, don't do that nonsense!
I have control over my physical nature, and desires, and how can anyone 'control' me, if I don't surrender that 'control'?
That’s flat out sexual abuse imho
That wouldn't be happening, I would flip that shit right around on her.
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