Is he potentially cheating or am I reading into it too much?

[zayko787]

Good evening guys,
I’m very desperate for opinions, answers or similar stories that could perhaps help my situation.
I’m 21f and my partner is 28m. We have been dating for almost two years now and everything was going “normal” up until August last year when he came back from his visit at his close friends wedding. Since that he is struggling with erectile dysfunction and we have had sex roughly 4-5 times since then and even during he was either unable to finish or went flaccid. Around December he developed some sort of “rash” down there which he could not explain but from his visits to doctors they told him it’s potentially from either friction, sweating etc. So not and STD but still concerning considering the situation we’re already in. Last time we had sex was 3 days ago and during he was barely hard and came barely a drop which surprised me since we didn’t have it for over 2 weeks. Our usual routine was once very 2 days but things took a massively drastic turn and it’s having a very bad impact not only on our relationship but individually on our self esteem. He is unable to provide any answer to why he suddenly is having this issue and I’m frequently urging him to see the docs. I hope you’re able to give me some advice weather I’m over thinking this too much or share a similar situation and how you dealt with it. I want to believe him but these 6 past 6 months he has displayed not only verbal but also physical red flags that something is not right. Thank you so much for reading this and thank you for any help you’re able to provide.

[Flower7]

Sex only 5 times since August is a huge issue, and not normal at all. That is definitely something to be worried about! It's very strange for a guy to develop erectile dysfunction that suddenly, especially since it happened at the same time he went to the friend's wedding. I don't blame you for being suspicious. Also, 28 is very very young to be having erectile problems at all.

Sadly, it seems like your relationship is over. You're having less trust in him and he's complaining that you're not as exciting since you live together now. Neither one of you is happy with this relationship. And it seems like his sexual problems, whatever they're being caused by, aren't something that will go away anytime soon. That's not fair to you, to be unsatisfied. You should find someone who isn't having those types of problems.

It's also not good that he's not responding to your texts as much as he used to. And staying late at work is never a good sign, even if he did just get promoted. There seems to be a big separation between the two of you, and I feel like it will only get worse instead of better. I think it's time to leave this relationship before things go even further downhill.

[PrimalInstinct]

You said he was promoted. Stress can cause erectile dysfunction & you going on about it/pressing him to see doctors about it doesn't help.

It's possible *you* are making him feel inferior in his performance which won’t help either. And there's a possibility he's "cheating" on you with his hand since that doesn't talk & he has no worries of performance issues with himself.

Instead of likely pushing him away with your behavior try to be supportive. A simple question of how’s work may explain what’s going on.

[zayko787]

I totally get where you’re coming from and I did talk a lot about his issue with him and tried to get to the bottom of it but with no success so for weeks I let it all go and stopped complaining and when he initiated he had the issue. I do my best to be supportive and I always ask him about his day and initiate conversations. I feel like perhaps it’s not good enough so I’m trying to figure out what else I could do to make him feel better about this situation while also trying to feel better myself

[PrimalInstinct]

The thing is, is it's hard to say if he's cheating or not. Does he have any vacation time? See if he'd take a week of to relax. As for not saying anything some people are like that.

[zayko787]

Yeah I know it’s difficult. He does take vacations. Every 6 months he goes back abroad to visit family/friends in fact - few days ago one of his his friends girlfriend texted him and invited him to his friends b. day (I didn’t know about it) and reason he gave me is that he didn’t tell me cause he wasn’t gonna go anyway but I don’t know...

[PrimalInstinct]

@zayko787 - see if he'd go (can you go too?). What's his nationality by the way that may explain his behavior a bit better to me.

[zayko787]

I was never able to, I can’t afford it financially and he know it’s. He’s from East Europe which is why I have always found the way he is a little odd, usually guys from around there tend to be very “alpha” but maybe I’m just too shallow minded (I’m from east too)

[PrimalInstinct]

@zayko787 - Ah him being from the East explains his keeping quiet quite well (I've been to the east enough times, my father spent years in Moscow/Russia). And to be truthful I was expecting you to say Eastern European when you said he was going abroad (average western man is more open). My question to you is forgoing his current behaviour, do you trust him? If you've had no need to question him before there may be nothing to it. If you've had need to question him before then there may be a legitimate issue. One thing about eastern men is they can be quite 'alpha' as you say and that means keeping mute about what troubles them.

[zayko787]

I am stuck in a sort of limbo between having a day where I beat myself up for even assuming such a silly thing to then days after thinking maybe he is up to something. Maybe I’m trying too hard to add up all of the dots but as I have said before, we have had a conversation so I’m hoping for some sort of improvement at least verbally and maybe then we could try reconnecting physically

[MannMitAntworten]

Is he cheating? Mmm... in reading this, I couldn’t say one way or the other. His erectile issue he should look into. The wedding could be purely coincidental. The rash was dismissed as some sort of heat issue and that can happen or even from a new pair of underwear or style.

I am not convinced he is possibly cheating granted I cannot rule it out but I am leaning farther towards he is not. It could be all stress related which this issue is not further adding to his stress. Men these days do not handle stress as well as men historically once did. Young men are becoming more prone to erectile disfunction and anxiety which frankly used to be exclusive to women... low testosterone levels in men these days could be the cause. Perhaps he should have his testosterone levels tasted. That might be all it is which would explain the issue... and any stress which you did not mention he may be going through.

Best of luck.

[zayko787]

Yeah I am trying to get him to go to docs and he tells me he will for months now but maybe as lady said above it’s too stressful and it doesn’t help that I’m pushing him like that. Only reason I mentioned the wedding is because it all started after that and he never returned a call that night and never told me anything about it that’s why it made me concerned that perhaps this whole “stress” thing could be related to some sort of form of guilt. The only stress I can think of is work and maybe me as I am quite sad about this situation and I think he feels it so it makes him sad that he can’t do much

[MannMitAntworten]

I can definitely where your mind is in all this and how it got there. The only reason could imagine him not going to be seen about is disfunction is hearing there actually is something wrong with him. Thing is, pretending for a moment he did cheat, I cannot imagine any guy still being able to get an erection... especially with the amount of time passing which is what gives me pause in thinking he had cheated. I mean, he would have to be completely repulsed by you I would think and I doubt that is remotely true. At least that is my own thinking. So, again, difficult to say as it is unusual. Make sense?

[zayko787]

Yeah it is a difficult situation but I always go back to the thought that he feels guilty and knowing how sensitive he can be it might have caused this and he rather blame it on work etc. Even though let’s say potential “cheating” happened during that wedding

[MannMitAntworten]

For your own sanity assume he is stresses until he does finally see the doc’s and starts getting answers. Otherwise this will beat you up too... which will suck if he really is just stressed. Especially he is as you say, is already sensitive. Which further pushes me in the direction of him likely to have not cheated. Thing is, something ‘might’ have happened at t hi s wedding... but nothing involving him cheating but something perhaps stressful he is not talking about. Going inna different direction, he could have been assaulted and he isn’t talking about it which would explain his behavior more than him possibly cheating. Thing is, cheats don’t tend to react as he has. Most cheats are almost indifferent in the same way psychopaths are indifferent to even doing it and even rationalize it away. His behavior doesn’t fit him as a cheat the more you share. So, if his time away is related to his behavior, it might be something you haven’t considered.

[zayko787]

Yeah I’m doing my best not to bring up too much or make him sad, last night we had a long conversation and he opened up that reason he doesn’t talk much is because when he was younger he would say things and people would almost make fun of him that he sounded stupid or made no sense but I gave him my support and told him one step at a time and I’m not here to judge him. You’re right, I have been in a relationship and got cheated on heavily and it really messed with me but I’m doing my best to avoid the experience impact this relationship and I’m trying to judge him as an individual it’s just still some things he displays trigger me and It’s almost like a black out and I instantly think “yep there is something” I mean, as I have said I am quite sensitive but I remember very well there was this very good looking girl at work that recently started and he would always giggle with her and joke in almost same way as he did with me before we dated and it upset me so I asked him not to behave like that but he still did it which I found quite disrespectful as I have personally blocked people he doesn’t like (they were known players cheaters etc.) in a way it may sound even toxic and I don’t blame you if you think that but I always have done my best to protect his feelings and ensure he feels safe but I don’t seem to get that effort back from him. Maybe the biggest problem is me and my massive insecurities but as I said, the little triggers just get to me you know

[MannMitAntworten]

Toxic never entered my mind. I get where you are coming from... particularly with regard to “effort”. Relationship insecurities can be a kick in kur rears. I hear ya there. Wish I could tell you a definitive answer one way or another.

[zayko787]

Yeah there’s just a lot of work to be done and it really doesn’t help the fact that I have a very strong personality and both of us are very sensitive so approaching things can be quite awkward and in his case he can ignore them or say that I’m just being crazy. I think the biggest part of me feels that I want to trust him and I never want to cage him but a little bit of me just had this doubt and it’s very difficult to fight it especially right now. You have been very helpful and supportive. In general I’m so glad that I have got so much feedback and opinions for everyone. Made me think outside the box a little

[MannMitAntworten]

Ignoring them or dismissing you as crazy would catch my attention as being intentionally evasive. As for you two being sensitive... don’t walk on eggshells. Neither of you should. A couple is the one area people should feel ‘safe’ to voice things. As for the support, I hope it helps in some degree.

[Doody22]

Are you picking up any other signs that he is cheating like being on his phone more than usual, staying out longer or staying late at work has he randomly joined a gym, smell of perfume etc, if not then its probably nothing. the erection thing may be a stress issue from work and the rash could be related too or his underwear is to tight and sweaty causing jock itch.

[zayko787]

I added an update above for some of your questions. In regards of rash it was actually all over his head rather than around pubic area

[sersss]

then it's nothing - too much stress and fatigue maybe...

[Doody22]

So the promotion thing could back up the stress theory. As far as the sharing goes do you share with him and do you enquire about his life or just expect him to share. If he thinks your not exciting, show him how exciting you can be.

[sersss]

gradually show him...

[zayko787]

I do ask him about his life, about his day anything really to try for a nice long conversation but it doesn’t really work out often. I mean we do talk but it’s been very long since we’ve had a deep conversation and I’m missing it. He knows it all yet still doesn’t say anything. I can be exciting but it’s very difficult now because I genuinely feel so worthless I feel like I should just let it all go with the flow and try not to think too much

[Doody22]

maybe the age gap is a factor and your at different points in your lives and want different things. The thing which drew you together in the first place which may have been the working together and seeing each other less frequently may have diminished. The question is do you want to fight for it and do you think he does too. If not end it sooner rather than later.

[zayko787]

You’re right, we did have a lot of fun working together and getting butterflies when we got to be alone so I suppose moving together so quickly didn’t kick in those feelings of settling down quick enough for me personally cause I’m quite sensitive emotionally and need a lot of reassurance. Thank you for your replies, everyone’s answers have put me at a little ease that I’m just over reacting and digging too deep. I definitely want to fight for this and he told me he would never stop either.

[Doody22]

No problem, hope it works out either way

[Avicenna]

The best indication a partner is cheating is verbal abuse.

[zayko787]

He’s never verbally abused me, we have exchanged mean things in the heat of argument but never to a point where it degrades one another

[Avicenna]

It's still concerning, but less likely

[outside_Toronto]

reading too much

[dthomas89]

If you feel like he is, he likely is

Always trust your gut

[TienShenhan]

He's definitely emptying his loads away from you. Whether its with another person would be impossible for us to tell, I feel like you should know better than us. If you have to wonder, then I think it is likely

[zayko787]

Yeah it makes sense but we spoke about masturbating topic and he has always told me that he used to do it a lot but ever since we’re dating he has no need for it. I told him that I much rather him pull it to pixels than go somewhere else you know.

[sersss]

did he see the docs already? There are some conditions, which result in such symptoms. Some of them may be purely accidental (like using bath in a cheap hotel room or just using a public toilet and not washing his hands) Did he change on other aspects of your relationship as well, except sex?

[zayko787]

He hasn’t seen docs in regards of dysfunction yet even though I encourage him. I fully agree with you that there are my ways in developing things down there so I do my best not to think too much about that. Sex wise, he did do something unusual last time which did surprise me as he has never done that during sex (pull my hands behind my back in doggy)

[sersss]

sex preferences can change over time... did you like that?

[zayko787]

I really did, I like kinky stuff but I have learned that he’s quite a shy guy and he finds all of those things “cliche” E. g. slapping my butt so that move was very surprising. Only after all the “love chemicals” calmed down I started thinking about it and that it’s very unusual

[sersss]

oh come on - even shy guys do dirty tricks) I did sometimes... now I'm in a friend zone. Thinking about it - maybe it was the reason like in this particular situation?

[zayko787]

Yeah I agree with you that maybe he wanted to spice things up but then he went flaccid and I started thinking Maybe he’s forcing himself just so I stop complaining you know? Anyway, I think I’ll try to not bring anything up for a while like I did before and see maybe this time something will change

[sersss]

how about encouraging him to do it more often?) You liked it after all, didn't you?

[zayko787]

I would like to but I cannot overcome the anxiety as it’s been so long without things being as usual and it really did push my self esteem quite low

[Anonymous]

Sounds more like emotional cheating not sexual. He might have a co-worker he likes being with more then you.

I say dumb him and move on. Sounds like the sex sucks too so why stay?

[zayko787]

It’s possible how ever he doesn’t share much in general but you might be right. I’ll try to talk to him more often about his feelings and see if anything comes up. I don’t want to give up on him just yet but it’s very difficult to feel so ugly every day and wake up with the though that he doesn’t want me of course he tells me complete opposite but I much rather prefer actions than words

[Anonymous]

If you are doubting him, then you shouldn't be with him. If you were met to be together, then you should be able to trust him, and if you were met to be together. Then he would have told you what is wrong with him and not let it get in the way of your relationship. Either way both of you shouldn't be together, as there is clearly no communication in your relationship and you do not trust him, because he isn't telling you anything.

[zayko787]

You have a very good point but I still have a hope and want to keep going and be the best I can for him. He’s a miracle in my life and my hope will never die. I am encouraging him to talk more to me and he is trying but I supposed both of us are complicated in our own ways

[Opinion Owner]

Maybe, he doesn't find you as attractive anymore, which happens when you start living together after all you have been together for 2 years, which can become boring if the 2 of you don't try anything new. Also, he could be having a erectile dysfunction which is happens in a lot more man than you think. Yet, he clearly finds it hard to communicate, as he doesn't want to feel embarrassed and I don't think he is trying to hurt your feels. Yet, nothing tells he is defiantly cheating, although it doesn't prove he's not cheating either. Yet, if you trusted each other and talked more maybe you can make your relationship last.

[zayko787]

I do my best to look the best for him but you’re very right that things go different after a while, it’s just that I didn’t expect it to be so early into our relationship. You’re right, we have been quite isolated from the outside world for quite a while, perhaps getting out more could help. I know he is extremely embarrassed and he was open with me about the rash and all the other things it’s just that I still feel like there is something missing and he’s not communicating enough even though I almost beg him to talk. I can spend hours laying in bed telling him how I feel and how I want things etc. And he would just lay there in silence and it makes me feel like he doesn’t care

[Opinion Owner]

Maybe, you should stop talking to him about your feeling. Give him a chance to come to you and talk about his, it might take weeks but it will be worth it. Also, try go place together and maybe you can spark new feelings. Also, it's always happens early in the relationships, as you are quite used to each other, and yet you know thing aren't the same anymore.